The aftermath of Big Screen TV

Time has convinced me of one thing. Television is for appearing on, not looking at. ~Noel Coward

JAN: I’m not normally a visual person. Like a lot of writers, I live inside my head. But I’ve got it worse. I walk into rooms and don’t see the décor, can completely miss someone’s new haircut, and have been known to not even notice that it’s been raining all week.

But that’s only in real life.

About two years ago, my husband installed a new television. I say “installed” because it's not actually a television, but a projector screen that rolls down from the ceiling. It’s about eight feet wide and five feet tall. And we have high definition, which mean everything isn’t just large, it’s crystal clear.

And this is changing me. And not for the better, either. In fact, I’m slowly becoming the most superficial person on the planet. I find myself watching a really educational, thought-provoking PBS documentary, with this takeaway: What's with the bad teeth? Aren’t PBS academic experts educated about orthodontia, too? Are they chosen for their bad teeth? Is that a sign of intellectualism?

It’s not just PBS specials. I now notice everything, everywhere. I notice that in the Coors commercial where they catch the “cold train,” every single person spilling out of the office building is uniformly attractive. No one stands out, but no one is below that American standard.

It's as if youth, perfect, but unexciting features and a flawless complexion were part of the occupancy permit for the building they are fleeing.

But worst is baseball. Probably because the game is so slow and because I’ve watched pretty much every single Red Sox game, I’ve actually ranked the players in terms of attractiveness. Two categories: position players and pitchers. Adjusted as players are traded or put on the DL. And this is pure HD superficiality. No bias: the ranking does not correlate to my favorite players.
So this is my question: Am I the only one out there being corrupted by big screen HD television, or has anyone else noticed that they are noticing what should go unnoticed?

HALLIE: Well, I do love to be petty, so if I HAD a large screen TV, I’m sure I’d be counting zits along with you, Jan.

But I was the last person in Massachusetts to get…a tape deck, a CD player, a video player, a DVD player, a microwave oven, a cell phone (and I still have my first which is now an antique at 8 years old)…so it should come as no surprise that I do not have HDTV. A) I’m cheap, and B) the 18”-TV we have works fine and C) I do not want to dedicate a room in my smallish house to watching the tube (have you noticed, those things are seriously BIG).

When my friends George and Barbara got an HDTV, they had us over to watch football in high def (see, I do know the lingo) and George kept switching back to regular to say “See how amazing the detail is?” I saw, but I confess I didn’t get why that was so great. But then, I can't tell a good sound system from a crummy one, either.

Just drove by where they’re tearing down the multiplex cinema in that’s been in Dedham for decades. Certainly movie theaters and the whole experience of seeing a movie with a community of viewers is a casualty of those massive home entertainment systems.

RO: I'm the wrong person to ask...I still have a manual lawn mower.I don't have HDTV either. I have a big old tv from 12 yrs ago that works fine and is huge so I get that movie theatre feel. (We watched No Country for Old Men last night and I saw quite enough of Javier Barden's psycho face thank you very much.)People ALWAYS say it's great for sports...does it make the balls any bigger?

JAN: I hate to admit it, but the big TV is really great for sports. You can see the ball, the tatoos, the rivulets of sweat. You also get well acquainted with the faces of season fans who sit behind home plate and start to notice when someone is a no-show. But as far as movies go, I can get equally drawn into the story on the big screen or a tiny 18-inch with marginal reception.

ROBERTA: Obviously, you have a group of techno-phobes here Jan! My husband and I have been arguing this one for the last year. All his buddies watch sports on enormous HDTV screens and he wants one too. In fact, he says everyone's got to change over come the end of the year. (Is that even true?) In our case, it would require ripping out the custom-built bookshelves with the perfectly-sized TV cubby. So I'm holding out--I can be just as shallow as the next girl and who needs more of that?

HANK: Yeah, I'm all about TV, and we don't have hi def either. (We do, however, go to our best pals' house next door and watch sports on HD. And it's--amazing. I love it.) (And ha ha, Ro.)
But listen gang, soon I've gotta see my face on it. But here's what I'm hoping. Everyone says TV adds ten pounds and ten years. And it does. But HD doesn't. So we're all buying dermablend make-up (ultra-coverage but sheer), and crossing our fingers.

(So Jan, you're saying you now judge people on TV by how they look? Ha. Most people have been doing that for years. Just read Prime Time.)

Roberta, nope, tell your (adorable) husband you do NOT have to change to HD! Thing is, next February, we all have to switch to digital tv. But most people won't have to do anything. And if you do, it can be free. I'm doing a story about it right now, so I do know the scoop. Any questions?