What do you mean that's not my sign?

JAN: Have you heard the latest? They've completely revised the astrological chart.

Apparently since the Babylonians plotted zodiac signs according to birthdate and which the constellation the sun was "in," our planet's alignment has altered. Over the years, the moon's gravitational pull has caused the Earth to wobble on its axis. This created about one month deviation in the stars' alignment. (this reported in StarTribune.Com)

In other words, when astrologers used to say the "sun" was "in" Pisces or Aries, they often were "off" by a couple of weeks. This could be just one reason why NOTHING they said was going to happen in my life actually happened.

But rest easy, corrections are being made. Dates have been changed, a new constellation has been employed, and a 13th sign of the zodiac created: Ophiuchus, or Serpentarious, the serpent holder, is now wedged in between the old Scorpio and Sagittarious signs.

My daughter, who alerted me to this important news development, was excited because she's no longer a Sagittarius but a Ophiuchus. She's happy about this because the new definition of traits (which if you reread carefully could be applied to anyone) predicts a career as doctor of medicine, and she just happens to be applying to medical school.

But I found myself really disturbed. I am no longer an Aries but a Pisces. What? I've spent my entire life trying to be headstrong and strident, and now I'm supposed to be wishy washy?

Sure its balderdash, but it's balderdash that I took pretty seriously when I was say, 13 or 14 and trying to figure out who I was. I was ruled by MARS that's who I was, a bullheaded ram not a freaking ideological FISH.

Plus the book my girlfriend had on the Zodiac, which became our eighth grade bible, was written by an author unabashedly biased in favor of fire signs. So of course, I liked being a "fire" sign, which helped explain why I wasn't such a great swimmer and helped to justify all my swearing at my brothers.

But even as a grownup, I took an odd satisfaction in the fact that both my children were fire signs (Leo and Sagitarious) as if that were critical to our relationship. Now that my daughterï has been redefined as a Ophiuchus, that's shot to hell.

So here's the link to check out your own birthdate and new Zodiac sign. http://the-red-thread.net/ophiuchus2.html Does s this shake anyone else's self image? Or if you can you adapt?

HALLIE: ACK! I've always been a happy swimmy Pisces, secure in the knowledge that I shared that sign with Elizabeth Taylor. Now it turns out I'm Aquarius? How can this be? I mean, that's patently absurd. Can you say: Nonsense!

JAN: Cheer up, Hallie, maybe Elizabeth Taylor has be reassigned, too.

ROBERTA: Oh no you don't...this is totally unacceptable! I've been a Capricorn all my life--stable, ambitious, dogged, a lover of the color brown--no way I can adjust to a new sign now! Some of my friendships are entirely based on sharing the Capricorn sign--just think what might happen if we all had to slide over to Sagitarious...

RHYS: Interesting. I've never felt myself to be a true Libra. That love of balance and seeing both sides.. you should have observed me during the healthcare debate. No Libra in evidence there. But I'm certainly not, pardon the expression, a Virgo. My daughter is one and is all sweetness and light and flowing garments. Maybe I could have drifted into Scorpio--yes, I do have a sting in my tail, I suspect.And my best friend, who can read my mind, is one. Ah, so maybe there's some truth after all. But I don't want my husband to stop being a Sagitarius and become an Ophi-whatsit. No way!

JAN: If I could get the flowing garments, I might consider switching to Virgo.

ROSEMARY: I don't know why I care...but I do. I am not Ophiuchus - which sounds like a skin disease - interpreter of dreams, vivid premonitions, tax assessor, snake charmer, highest fame and legend coming after death and worst of all -

wearer of plaid.

I am Sagittarius - straight shooter, strong thighs. OTOH I don't mind the part about attracting good luck and fruitful blessings, a seeker of peace and harmony, intuitive.

HANK: Oh, please, certainly, I'm probably a perfect Libra. I'm a reporter, right? Fair, balanced, searching for justice and truth, flexible, tolerant, mediator, peacemaker, able to see both sides of anything . You know, to the nth degree, to the degree of having to discuss everything up one side and down the other. And being able to see eerything as a possibility. It's a good thing, pretty much, well, most of the time. I've alwys been comfortable as really, the semi-predictably indecisively decisive Libra. (You know, pretty much. But I could see how it might happen another way...) But now they wanna make me a VIRGO? A perfectionist, prissy, critical Virgo? Well, okay, it could happen. But isn't that a perfect Libra response??

JAN: It is a perfect Libra response, Hank. Which makes it unanimous. We reject this new astrological chart on very practical, logical grounds. I predict an international ground swell of protest. A new quasi-political/or is it philosophical movement. Stick-in-the-Original-Signs Unite! Anyone else want to join us?

Please come back tomorrow, when I talk about robberies gone bad, and Wednesday, when Hank interviews Simon Wood.