Brad Parks...the, uh...girl next door

ROSEMARY HARRIS: It takes a very confident man to send to the internet for publication all over the known universe a picture of himself wearing a tiara and what can only be described - kindly - as a childlike grin. But that's Brad Parks, chick magnet, charm personified. Women want him and men want to be him. (Or do women want to be him?) We decided - for the sake of his children that we wouldn't post the picture of him in his tutu. Take it away, Brad!

BRAD PARKS: This is normally the place in a guest blog where the writer expresses his thanks for having been invited, but I gotta be honest: You JungleRed chicks ought to be thanking me. Because today I am going to share with you and your readers my hard-earned secrets about book marketing and promotion.1

I call it: How to Make The New York Times Bestseller List Without Even Trying.2 It includes tips and techniques that people like that Julio Spicer-Flemmish girl will never be able to tell you about, because she just doesn’t “get it” like I do.3

Being as I don’t want to slow down my genius by having to “show my work,” I have tasked my interns, those hard-working kids at BradParksBooks.com, to do my “footnoting” for me.4
Now, why should you trust my instincts on this subject? Well, for one, pre-orders for my forthcoming work, The Girl Next Door, are approaching 100 million, making it the bestselling mystery novel of all time.5 And, hell, just look at me: I’m a privileged white male who always wears a nice blazer.6 I’m like a Republican Presidential candidate. And everyone trusts them, right?

Okay, so now that you realize my advice is beyond reproach, let’s begin with the good news: If you’re just starting out in this game, you’ll find it’s easy to get people to plunk down $24.99 for an author they’ve never heard of, because it’s sort of like gambling, which everyone likes. What reader wants to be safe and buy great Hank Flippippi Ryan novel when they can play the slot machines instead?7
Pull that lever, baby!
Still, you have to get yourself out there – for those odd moments when your publisher is between major media buys for your latest book – and when you do, all you have to remember is to BUZZ Your Book8, where BUZZ stands for:

B. As in BE late for book-signings! After all, authors are cool. And there’s nothing like a fashionably late arrival to make you look like the coolest author in the history of ever.9 Also, it shows booksellers how little you need them. It’ll make them try harder to win your affections.10

U. As in UNDERRATE libraries. That guy who called library users the welfare bums of the literary world? Right on, brother! I mean, seriously, they buy one book and then they let all those people read it for free?!? What good is that?11

Z. As in ZUSE, Konrad. This German engineer created the world’s first programmable automated binary computing device.12 And you know exactly why Konrad Zuse invented the computer: So people could post buy-my-book Amazon links on the Facebook walls of everyone they know at least once a month!13

Z. As in ZETA, as in blow most of your marketing budget to hire Catherine Zeta-Jones to star in your over-produced book trailer.14

These and other concepts are given further rumination in a book I wrote called Market or Lye15, the main point of which is that authors should use homemade soap to carve figurines of their main characters, and then give them away as swag at Malice Domestic. It also gives helpful hints about Twitter (which good for long-form narratives and essays); Skyping with book clubs (they can’t see you, so you don’t have to wear clothes!); blatant self-promotion (it’s what the MWA listserv was invented for, right?); and how to find your niche (Earth to Rosemary Harris: why do you keep trying to market your books to garden clubs, babe?16).

As a bonus, the book’s appendix includes templates for dirty limericks that will make your next novel a sure-fire winner of the Mary Higgins Clark Award! I think you’re beginning to understand why Patterson and Grisham begged me to be in a club with them called The Three Marketeers – we wear feathers in our hair and everything17 – and why my books have appeared on the New York Times Bestseller List for a record 390 consecutive weeks.18

I also give seminars in guest blogging, which I’m super good at. But don’t take my word for it. Just ask that Julio girl. She’ll tell you.19


NOTES:
1. Brad suffered a severe blow to the head this morning. He has been talking nonsensically ever since. We’d take him to the hospital but this is more fun.

2. This from a guy who hasn’t made the bestseller list. And, trust us, it hasn’t been for lack of trying.

3. It’s Julia Spencer-Fleming. And unlike Brad, she actually has made the New York Times Bestseller List.

4. We have no idea why Brad is suddenly putting so many things in quotes. But hopefully we’ll get him to “stop.”

5. Brad has his book confused with Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None.

6. Yes, and the local prep school wants its jacket back.

7. It’s Phillippi. And did we mention it was a severe blow to the head?

8. Oh, God. M.J. Rose is gonna sue.

9. This is also a great way to get people to want to burn your book before you ever get a chance to sign it.

10. When they’re not throwing darts at the author photo on your dust jacket.

11. It’s called building an audience and it’s… oh, never mind. Maybe someone should
get him some Tylenol?

12. This may be the one sentence in this entire post that isn’t, in some way, deeply flawed.

13. Better yet, get us some Tylenol.

14. And the moral of the story: Never try to build an acronym with two Z’s in it.

15. Jennifer Fusco: Please accept our most sincere apologies.

16. Because the main character is a gar… ahh, forget it.

17. Patterson and Grisham would die first.

18. And now he has himself confused with Danielle Steel.

19. We’re putting Brad to bed. Feel free to, uh, “comment” on his post (damnit! Now we’re over-using quotation marks!). A randomly selected commenter will win a free advanced reader copy of The Girl Next Door.