I Ain’t Got No Body

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  You know what the hardest part of writing a murder mystery is? To me, it's the murder. First, I just don't like to do it. I keep thinking--can't the person just be kind of--hurt? and then they get better? Well, no actually, and why is hurting someone okay? Okay, because it's fiction. And it's a murder mystery. Someone has to die!

So I try to make sure the person really deserves it.  But of course, in real life, that's sometimes not the case.  I'm still trying to get comfortable with killing someone. (I know I can say that around you.)


And then, there's also the annoying problem with disposing of said body. And even the much-lauded and best-selling Elaine Viets has a problem with that!  Welcome to Jungle Red, Elaine--and Reds, if you haven't met her? Hold on to your coffee.  

I Ain't Got No Body

 by Elaine Viets

  

 A mystery writer’s life sounds easy: I get up when I feel like it, commute through the living room to my office, and sit at my desk where I kill people. On paper.

 Easy enough. No mess, no guilt, no cops knocking at my door.

 My work brings me personal satisfaction, too. I’ve killed off several people who do not resemble any of my bosses, living or dead. To keep the libel lawyers at bay, I use a technique called SPC – Small Penis Characteristic. I give the deceased an extremely small member. Because of course, no one would stand up in court and say, “Your Honor, that woman wronged me in her book. I am Little Dick!”

 Of course, you realize I write humor and I’m prone to exaggeration (except in Little Dick’s case). But my work is not as easy as it seems.

 Once I kill someone, I’m stuck with the body.

 My killer could panic and run away, but that’s a bad idea. Dead bodies are chock-full of valuable evidence to help the police catch him. Even the most careful killer can leave behind a clue.

 Also, it makes for a very short novel.

 The same goes for burying the victim. Besides, digging a hole deep enough so a hunter or hiker won’t stumble over the body is hot, sweaty work.

 My killer is stuck with a hundred pounds or more of rapidly spoiling meat. And South Florida has one of the highest decomposition rates in the nation. (Hope you didn’t read that fact over breakfast.)

 When I set my new Dead-End Job mystery, “Final Sail,” aboard a luxury yacht sailing out of Fort Lauderdale, I thought I had the perfect way to dispose of a body.

  I had a boatload of people rich enough to buy their way out of trouble, a willing staff, a large, lonely ocean, and a violent storm.

  Just chuck the body over the rail, quick and clean, and my worries were over, right?

 Wrong.

 I’d wind up drowning in paper work.

 I did some research. Turns out if a yacht leaves Fort Lauderdale with sixteen people aboard, it had better return with the same number – or a good explanation for the missing person.

 I couldn’t even have the yacht’s Bulgarian engineer bump off the victim.

 I needed a murder where the killer would be brought to justice – US justice. If the crime was going to be investigated by U.S. officials, then the ship had to sail under the American flag. That meant everyone on board has to be a US citizen. I had to get the Bulgarian engineer naturalized fast – more paperwork. And then muddy the waters a bit.

 I think I managed it. One victim dies neatly in his hospital bed and is carted off for a funeral and a full investigation. The other is lost at sea – or jumps ship.

 But it was hard work. I may kill people, but I don’t do them in carelessly.

 In my book, a murder has to be dead right.

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HANK: So, Red writers. How do you feel about--killing people?  (When was the last time someone asked you that?) And do you have trouble disposing of the body? And Red readers, do you notice when a murder is not--dead right? And in true Jungle Red style: a copy of Elaine's new book--to one lucky commenter!

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            Helen Hawthorne, Elaine Viets’ private-eye detective, works as a yacht stewardess in “Final Sail,” the 11^th Dead-End Job mystery. Marilyn Stasio praises Elaine’s “quick-witted mysteries” in the June 3 New York Times. Visit her Web site at elaineviets.com