JENN: If ever there was a writing award for the best dressed author, it would surely go to today's guest, the fabulous Diane Vallere. Whenever I know she's going to be at a conference, I make sure I check her Instagram to see what she's packing. This girl can rock a conference, I'm just sayin'! Not a surprise as she writes the Costume Shop, Material Witness, Samantha Kidd, and Madison Night mystery series. Welcome to Jungle Red Writers, Diane.
DIANE: My friend
says I apologize too much. She thinks women in general have been trained to say
I’m sorry when they have nothing to be sorry for, and that by saying the words,
they’re allowing themselves to be in a submissive position. It’s not just her,
either. There’s a whole slew of online articles about whether or not women
should apologize. (There are! I just Googled them for the purposes of this post.)
After she
said this, I became more aware of how often I use the phrase in conversation and
emails. Sometimes it goes hand in hand with an acknowledgment that I didn’t
fully comprehend what the other person asked me to do (“I’m sorry, I didn’t
know that’s what was expected.”). Sometimes it’s intended as a soothing phrase
(“I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.”). Sometimes it’s preemptive to an insult
(“I’m sorry, but you’re a idiot.”). And sometimes, it is what it is: an
acknowledgment of having inconvenienced someone else (“I’m sorry for taking up
your valuable time for something I could have figured out myself.”) In every
one of these examples, I might shorten the phrase to just “I’m sorry” and
consider the balance implied. Especially the idiot one, which might lead to
additional apologizing for rudeness.
Thanks to my
friend’s comment, I’ve spent a bit of time analyzing my use of the two-word
phrase. The way I see it, there’s a power in apologizing. Saying “I’m sorry”
indicates ownership, good or bad. Instead of pointing fingers, passing the
buck, or looking for excuses, saying “I’m sorry” is like grabbing hold of an
unsatisfactory interaction, establishing that there was a hiccup in
communication, and hitting the reset button. When two parties are stuck at a
crossroads because one disagrees with the other over, “I’m sorry” serves as the
period at the end of the sentence that precedes the sentence with the active
verb.
And here’s
the selfish truth: I like to be apologized to. I like when someone else tells
me they’re sorry for how their actions negatively impacted me, because it
indicates a level of respect (except in the idiot example mentioned above). I
like when someone other than me takes ownership of a miscommunication and
apologizes so we can move on. And since I’m a huge believer in treating people
the way I want to be treated, I’m most likely going to continue apologizing
despite what my friends say. And for that, I’m not sorry.
What do you
think, Reds? Do apologies have their place in daily conversation or is it all too
much?
THE
DECORATOR WHO KNEW TOO MUCH:
When
Interior Decorator Madison Night accepts an assignment in Palm Springs with
handyman Hudson James, she expects designing days and romantic nights. But
after spotting a body in the river by the job site, she causes a rift in the
team. Add in the strain of recurring nightmares and a growing dependency on
sleeping pills, and Madison seeks professional help to deal with her demons.
She learns
more about the crime than she’d like thanks to girl talk with friends, pillow
talk with Hudson, and smack talk with the local bad boys. And after the victim
is identified as the very doctor she’s been advised to see, she wonders if what
she knows can help catch a killer. An unlikely ally helps navigate the murky
waters before her knowledge destroys her, and this time, what she doesn’t know
might be the one thing that saves her life.
A little bit about Diane: After two decades working for a top luxury retailer, Diane Vallere traded fashion accessories for accessories to murder. THE DECORATOR WHO KNEW TOO MUCH, #4 in her Madison Night Mystery Series, is out April 2017. Diane is the president of Sisters in Crime. She also writes the Samantha Kidd, and national bestselling and Lefty Award-nominated Costume Shop and Material Witness mystery series. She started her own detective agency at age ten and has maintained a passion for shoes, clues, and clothes ever since.
I’ve got some catching up to do on your books, Diane, but I’m looking forward to reading “The Decorator Who Knew Too Much” . . . .
ReplyDeleteI never thought of apologies as being submissive; I think they convey your honest concern for someone else’s feelings. And I agree, Diane, that they are powerful . . . .
Thanks, Joan!
DeleteI agree that women in particular say the phrase "I'm sorry" way too much. It seems to be a natural reflex even when it's completely unnecessary. I know I've told women friends they had nothing to be sorry about when on the receiving end. But, I suppose most women, including me, have it it too ingrained in our wiring to change it. There are definitely times to say it though.
ReplyDeleteDiane, I'm another reader who needs to make you a part of my reading very soon.
Kathy, I think that's what my friend was saying: she's super aware of how ingrained the phrase is in many women's daily language. It is something to think about.
DeleteIt is something to think about. I know I do it unconsciously to make awkward situations easier - but why do I feel like I should? Oh, yeah, I hate awkwardness.
DeleteI agree. We shouldn't say sorry that much. This is definitely interesting. I do not think of apologies as being just submissive, they can also carry honest sentiment, so maybe we just need to pay attention to when we use them? When we really mean it, and when it's just a reflex.
ReplyDeleteMaryetta, that is definitely the case! We need to be aware of the phrase first, then we can see if it's a language filler. (I'm afraid to click your link! "sizzling-hot-play.com" sounds like I might get more than I bargained for!)
DeleteWelcome Diane. I look forward to exploring your work.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, I think the first thing I taught my children, three boys and a girl, right after please and thank you, was to say "sorry." I don't see it as submissive although I get the point that some people apologize for themselves too much.
Maybe this is a first world problem? I'd rather hear "I'm sorry" that all this saber rattling that's going on.
Finta, I do think many of us were taught it was polite. I also think I hear it more from women than men, but I talk to more women than men, so that might be why! Agreed it is not the worst thing in the world...
DeleteI think a genuine apology is a good thing, but I do think women are socialized to apologize way too much. We apologize for things that are out of our control, and I think we apologize for claiming our space in the world. Has a man ever apologized for claiming his fair share of the airplane armrest? I certainly haven't met him yet!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to check out your books and instagram account, Diane!
Thanks, Ingrid! Yes, people do often apologize for things out of their control: "I'm sorry for your loss," being an example. But isn't that just a way of communicating to someone that we genuinely feel bad that a person we care about is struggling with the death of a loved one? Unless we're literally responsible, the apology doesn't fit with the act, but it is nice thing to say in a difficult situation, when words are sorely lacking.
DeleteAll bets are off in terms of airline etiquette. I think some people get on a flight and think they're in a battle ground!
Ingrid - you hit it with "we apologize for claiming space in the world." I do think women collectively have been taught to do that as we break new ground and our male counterparts get upset with the new world order. It really ticks me off that a woman is never to raise her voice lest she be deemed hysterical, etc. Argh. I'm stopping now so I don't rant.
DeleteAs I've read the comments I've been wondering why I maybe haven't felt this as much as others, and I think it's because I worked in fashion retail, which is a highly female-dominated industry. Over twenty plus years I can count on one hand the times I had a man for a boss.
DeleteJenn, I agree with you that there are totally different standards for when a woman raises her voice or gets tough vs. when a man does, but that is a whole other subject!
Yeah, it's interesting. As a reporter, I will admit, sometimes I'll start a tough question with it to theoretically soften the blow--"I'm sorry, but can you just tell me why you stole the money? Sometimes I say: "Forgive me, but why would you take the money?"
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I am happy to apologize if I really make a mistake- "Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought I was tomorrow."
"I'm sorry you feel that way"--them's fighting words. And often said with some sarcasm.
The other day, I was getting carry out in a restaurant, and as I turned to leave, two guys were standing right in front of the door. Blocking it, oblivious. I said "I'm sorry, can I get through please?" And I remember thinking--I'm NOT sorry, but you guys are idiots.
What made me almost laugh was when, as they grudgingly moved, one said to me--"That's okay."
That's OKAY? That I'm allowed to go out the door? I said (under my breath) " I KNOW it's okay."
Grrr. Sorry for ranting. I mean... xoxoxo
Hank! xoxoxo back atcha. Yes, filler words. Forgive me, I'm sorry, Excuse me...but in many cases it's polite. And perhaps the issue here isn't that women say it too much, but that men don't say it enough? And the funny thing is, my friend and I were talking about a conversation between me and another women, so it had nothing to do with power of the sexes. Okay, now I'm going off on a tangent!
DeleteHmmm, I wonder if they would have responded the same way if you started the sentence with "Excuse me," or is that the same as Sorry??
DeleteLucy, I think "excuse me" is different but not by much. In my mind, I picture Hank giving them a toss of her hair and a side eye and one well placed command - "Move." She could totally pull it off but, alas I think she is too well mannered and kind.
DeleteOoh, I'm gonna try that. I'll let you know. :-)
DeleteMaryetta, your word "reflex" seems spot on. I know several people, mostly women, who seem to use "I'm sorry" almost as punctuation, kinda like, "you know." On the other hand, I have one acquaintance who always begins insults with "I'm sorry, but," as in, "I'm sorry, but that shirt is the color of diarrhea" (I'm sorry, but this is a true-life example). So when she says, "I'm sorry," I know a zinger of some sort is coming, and that she isn't sorry at all.
ReplyDelete"I'm sorry" seems to be one of the ways in which we express sympathy, which can be a very good thing, but it can blur the line between that and taking responsibility. I'm not sure where that observation leads, other than this being another case of our language being both complex and imprecise. And I certainly agree that women are trained to say "I'm sorry" way too much and men way too little.
Jim, I do agree that in a conversation one person can say, "I'm sorry," and the other person can hear something completely different than was intended. And does the meaning become the intention or the inference? I think this is where communication sometimes goes off the rails.
DeleteI would be very cautious around your "I'm sorry, but..." acquaintance. Seems like shields have to go up as soon as the phrase is muttered!
Yes, sometimes "I'm sorry but..." can be a version of "bless her heart"... It's also a way of softening what you're about to say. It's all about context. And sorry, but I am NOT sorry that I say it all the time.
ReplyDeleteBut this is reminding me how the girls on my daughter's soccer team would apologize whenever a play went awry. Boys, not so much.
Hallie, that is very much how I see things. The phrase has many meanings and in some cases an awful lot hangs in the balance of whether those two words are accepted or not.
DeleteGoing back quite a few years now, I don't remember apologizing much when I was a competitive swimmer. Competition in general seems to encourage a different behavior, but swimming was largely an individual sport so the only person to apologize would have been myself.
Diane, welcome to Jungle Reds! I remember you wore different costumes like a police costume, a safari costume, among other costumes at a writing conference. I loved your Costume Shop series. For some people, saying "I am sorry" is a reflex. For some people, it is too difficult to say "I am sorry" because to them, it means "loss of face" or admitting responsibility.
ReplyDeleteThough there have been times when someone says "I am sorry" as a pretext before they are about to insult you. There have been a few people who would say they are sorry though they do Not mean it, unfortunately.
I get what Hank said. Sometimes I say I am sorry when the situation requires it. Sometimes I say "forgive me for asking this" since it makes more sense to me to say "forgive me" instead of "I am sorry". When I say "forgive me for asking", I am not sure if it is OK to ask this question.
Look forward to reading your new book!
Thanks, Bibliophile! Yes, that was me traipsing around Malice in costume last year. Oooh, that was fun.
DeleteI wonder how many of us are going to start noticing how often we use that phrase? The thing is, I don't think I'd want to stop saying it because it represents an ownership on my part. I hate going round and round in circles over something because it feels pointless and a waste of time. I'm big on owning my mistakes, especially when they affect other people, so apologizing seems to fit that.
But, there are times when I don't hear it and I think I should!
Yes, that was my first Malice convention. That was fun! Agree with you that the phrase represents ownership.
DeleteGreat post, Diane! The only time I see men apologize as much as women is during volleyball and that is usually a "Sorry, my bad!" when it's a really bad shot. Otherwise, not so much. In our house, we have a couple of rules for apologizing. The first one is that if you screw up you have to own it and apologize but it can't be a snippy "I'm sorry", it has to be what we call "the nine words" which are, "I am sorry. I love you. Please forgive me." The follow up to that is that you only apologize once and it is up to the other person to accept it or reject it. I can't stand it when people use their hurt feelings to make others grovel and apologize repeatedly. Once is enough, move on.
ReplyDeleteJenn, the nine words are a great rule. And I'm running them through my head to see what situations they fit--yes with loved ones, but maybe not so much with professional organizations? :) The words have weight that comes with a sliding scale and that might be part of the problem, that apologizing can be for anything from spilling the OJ to hurting someone emotionally to missing a deadline. All appropriate times to apologize, but each meaning a different thing.
DeleteAnd thank you, Jenn, for inviting me to spend time with the Reds!
DeleteWonderful to have you here, Diane. I love this post - it does make you think about the weight of your words. I have used the 6 words on my editor - "I am sorry. Please forgive me." (When late on deadline) But not "I love you". Yet. LOL.
DeleteThat's good, Jenn, give your editor something to work for!
DeleteI'd much rather hear a genuine "I'm sorry," than a sarcastic "My bad," (maybe my #1 Mosted Hated phrase, by the way.) And I do think women apologize too much, and a lot of it is reflexive.
ReplyDeleteBut just go to England, where everyone is sorry for everything, all the time. It's a national reflex!
LOL - I've only ever heard "my bad" on the volleyball court where it is sincere - anywhere else it would be unacceptable.
DeleteDebs - Do you follow #VeryBritishProblems on Twitter? It is hilarious and makes fun of the British tendencies to understate and apologize. Cracks me up!
DeleteDeborah, I thought "my bad" died in the aughts! Maybe not. Though I do wonder if splinter phrases like that are born out of a genuine desire to give apologies a different level? "My bad" seems much more appropriate for an action that slightly inconveniences someone else, not an action that hurts them or disrupts their day in a negative way.
DeleteI need to follow that hashtag now! One of my friends in England sent me a commercial about consent that featured stick people and their desire/non-desire to drink tea. She said it was the most British thing ever.
DeleteDebs, I agree with you that I would rather receive a genuine "I am sorry."
DeleteI'm sorry to read many of the comments here because I'm with Diane. I think we need more apologies from everyone in our world right now, not less. Maybe it will improve the national dialogue. I certainly know it would be refreshing to hear apologies from my co workers (both men and women) when they mess up. I feel like I'm the only one there who is willing to take responsibility for his own actions.
ReplyDeleteYes, it can be a reflex. But it is also part of good manners. And we need more of it in our world, not less.
Agreed, Mark. I wouldn't want to stop saying it because I don't hear it enough. That's sort of like saying, "You don't pick your clothes up? Okay, then I'm not going to pick my clothes up either." When in reality what I would want is for everybody to pick up their own clothes. But it does feel imbalanced when one person seems to take responsibility for their actions more than others. That's a breeding ground for resentment.
Delete(I'm sitting here staring at a cardigan that I dropped while doing the laundry and thinking, "those are my own clothes on the floor.")
I do agree that it would be nice if people owned their mistakes and apologized. I keep thinking there must be a new movement toward civility as a clap back to the current state of national rudeness but I'm not holding my breath.
DeleteMark, I don't get that anyone here is saying that there should be fewer sincere and needed apologies. I know I didn't mean that. I do think it's a phrase that should mean something though, not just a reflex with no thought.
DeleteKathy, yes. It needs to mean something. But I wonder (and I said this somewhere in another comment, I think) how to know when the speaker and the speakee interpret the apology differently? I mean, what if the person who says "I'm sorry" NEVER says that but does in this one specific instance, but the other person in the conversation hears it all the time and doesn't react? That's no better, I think. I guess to me there should be responsibility on both sides of the conversation. The person who hears it needs to react accordingly.
DeleteWe definitely need good manners in our world, especially now! But I do agree that women tend to apologize for things that aren't their faults. I have a friend who is sorry for almost everything, even giving feedback. I want to shake her and say "why would you be sorry for x or y??"
ReplyDeleteWhen our kids were little, our daughter would often start a criticism with "No offense but...you're an idiot, etc." We still laugh about that!
Diane, you know I love the costume shop mysteries too! Have to get on track with the others. Sorry:)
Thanks, Lucy! Oh, the "no offense but..." comment. How is that supposed to soften things???
DeleteI do think it is hard for some people to give constructive criticism (even when it's solicited) because they genuinely think the words can be hurtful. That's probably why your friend apologizes! But good manners, yes.
Hi Diane! How did I not know you write four series? Jenn was just writing about how organized you gotta be to keep up with that level of creative output. Boggles my mind. Happy book birthday!
ReplyDeleteI'm all for civility and manners and taking responsibility, especially now, but all the same I try to be aware of not saying sorry all the time. I'm getting more direct as I get older, and I'm finding it such a relief. For me anyhow, the "sorries" are sometimes indicative of caring too much about what people think of me or about wanting to be liked. Sometimes saying sorry feels like I'm one of those submissive dogs who roll over--please like me, please like me. I'm done with that. Totally.
Hi Lisa! Yes, my mind is boggled on a constant basis. Oh, wait, that's not what you meant?
DeleteI hear you on not caring as much about what other people think as I get older. Some things bother me and always will, but it's definitely easier to stay in my head and think, "if you don't get me, that's fine." And yes, that's a relief!
If my mind's boggled just thinking about it, then yours must be crazy mind-bobbled? :-) I accidentally wrote "bobbled" there -- maybe that's a thing too. Hah!
DeleteIdea: there should be author bobblehead figures! Because clearly it's a thing! Now how do we make that happen?
DeleteI read the first book in your Costume Shop series and really enjoyed it. I need to catch up! I'm sorry is just. . .there. It's a phrase that can be used so many ways to mean so many things or absolutely nothing at all. It can be a precursor to criticism or a zinger. It can be a filler to start a sentence, which is probably better than I guess, you know, uh, like, and, whatever, etc. It's nice when it is sincere rather than sarcastic. It also matters who is saying it. Some folks are just sorry for everything. I think sorry is definitely in a woman's vocabulary more than in a man's. And Hank, if you're like me you told those guys sorry but were thinking move your sorry asses (please).
ReplyDeleteExactly, Pat! With the please, naturally. :-)
DeleteThanks, Pat! I think you're right, the phrase is up for interpretation, and the problem comes in when the speaker and the speakee disagree on the intent. That being said, I do think there's a power in taking ownership of a problem and saying, I'm sorry. We got derailed. Let's move on." (Jenn, these are the OTHER nine words. I mean eight. Whoops!)
DeleteI totally agree with you. "I'm sorry" is taking ownership of the situation, there is nothing derogatory about saying I'm sorry, frankly people need to use it more often. If someone runs into me with a shopping cart (which has happened numerous times in my line of work), and they don't say I'm sorry, well "I'm sorry" but I don't sit there and say wow what a strong woman, I think what a jerk.
ReplyDeleteDebbie, you made me laugh out loud! I think that's a perfect illustration.
Delete