JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I'm going to sound like a woman in an annoying commercial, but I've just bought a new stove and I love it. It was delivered yesterday. It wasn't the basic stove or the marked-down floor display model either; I got the stove I wanted, with all the bells and whistles I've been saying I've needed for a decade. Here's the thing: this is the first stove I've actually purchased. Our starter house came with a stove, as did our 200-year-old farmhouse. (It also came with a genuine 1950's refrigerator, but that's another story.) When the stove we inherited from the previous owners died, we were the fortunate recipients of a free stove from acquaintances who were remodeling. Which is why, at age 55, I'm buying my first ever stove. And let me tell you, it makes me feel very Grown Up.
I don't recall feeling that way with other large appliance purchases. Ross and I are on our fourth dishwasher, third washer/dryer set and we'll be taking delivery of our fourth refrigerator. It could be because cooking seems like a serious business. I suspect it's also because for the first time, I'm not getting an appliance simply because it's the CONSUMER REPORTS Best Value choice (although you can bet both the new stove and the upcoming frig were highly rated by CU.) I find myself at the stage of life when ALL extra money doesn't automatically have to be routed towards my children, meaning I can purchase that double oven with warming tray and expanded range top elements! In stainless steel! Even the new frig, which is as basic as butter because of the size constraints in our kitchen, will be stainless steel. Yes! Only 17 years after the trend started! Look at me, adulting like a pro.How about you, Reds? What are the purchases that made you feel like you'd finally arrived at adulthood?
INGRID THOFT: This raises an interesting question: Do I even feel grown up? I suppose I do, mostly because I’m aging! I’ve bought a house, a car, and trips to the other side of the globe, but I think the “purchase” that makes me feel most adult is paying taxes. It’s not necessarily a happy adult feeling, but I do feel like a grown-up when I send in my return. The happy adult feeling comes from making choices with my money: flying non-stop even though it’s more expensive; ordering in because I can’t bear the thought of cooking; buying a pair of earrings just because they caught my eye. Here’s another thought, and it may seem morbid, but I think when I have to pay for a funeral (mine, ahead of time, or someone else’s) that I will well and truly feel like an adult.
HALLIE EPHRON: Funeral? Yikes, that is morbid. Paying OFF our mortgage a few months ago made me feel... old. Writing a check for thousands for a root canal? Yup. Adult. And our Alaska cruise? Paying first class airfare for the first time EVER definitely made me feel, ahem, mature.
JULIA: Hallie and Ingrid, it's like that scene in FRIED GREEN TOMATOES where Kathy Bates rams a car saying, "I'm older and have better insurance." The ability to pay for what you want is a definite plus of adulthood.
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: When I was going off to college, my mom took me to the department store, and told me she was going to treat me to all new makeup. (I know, different times.) When it was all piled on the counter, Mom said to the salesperson, "Okay, great, we'll take it". And--I remember this so clearly, I said: "Don't you need to know how much this all costs?" And Mom said, "Nope, and I don't want to know." I thought--HOW can you buy something if you don't know how much it costs first? And now I do that all the time. (I eventually ask, but not first.)
Buying my first car? Renting my first apartment on my own! Going to my father's funeral. And doing responsible things, like the laundry, or making my bed when I really don't have to, but I do anyway.
JULIA: Oh, no! Going to a parent's funeral is quite possibly the worst thing about adulting.
JENN MCKINLAY: The other day Hooligan 1 informed me that Kevin Hart was doing one of the voices for the upcoming animated Captain Underpants movie. I got so excited I achieved vertical lift. In my defense, I did a six year tour of duty as a children's librarian and the Captain is one of the most challenged books in the public library according to the ALA, which is ridiculous because if you want boys to read these are the books to give them, but I digress. Anyhow, the Hooligan looked at me with one eyebrow higher than the other and a voice full of sixteen year old wonder and declared, "I am being raised by an eight year old. It's all coming into focus now." So, yeah, still waiting on that whole adulting/grownup thing to kick in. Not gonna hold my breath.
RHYS BOWEN: I don't want to grow up, ever. I really don't. If I see a chain across a path my first instinct is to hurdle it. I have chased my grandchildren over the play equipment at the park to the dismay of other responsible adults there. I love swimming, snorkeling, wading in water. In fact play is important to me. But I have done my share of responsible things: paid off mortgage, buy sensible cars instead of Porsche I was lusting for. And with household appliances, I've found they always die in threes. If the dishwasher goes, the dryer and fridge die at the same time. It's a fact of life. But I have learned to treat myself lately: first or business class on long flights. Nice hotels in Europe. AND clothes that are not on sale occasionally. Oh, the sin of it!
JULIA: Rhys, that's exactly what happened to us! Our stove died, then the frig, and then we needed expensive repairs to the water heater. Fingers crossed it doesn't expand to the Rule of Four...
DEBORAH CROMBIE: Julia, there is nothing quite like picking out the kitchen appliance you actually want!! We replaced our ten-year-old dishwasher--which had never actually washed the dishes, but that's another story--a few months ago, and I still feel that huge sense of pride every time I open the thing.But the first purchase that ever made me really feel grown up was buying a NEW (my cars were always used and mostly truly hated hand-me-downs from my parents) and totally unsuitable car. That was a fire engine red Honda Prelude, bought with my first big book sale money, and I absolutely adored it (at least until the warranty ran out and I had to start paying for parts and repairs...)
LUCY BURDETTE: So interesting to read what you women have written! Is it a gas stove Julia? that is the ultimate! Hallie, hooray for you springing for business/first to Alaska. It's such a long trip--you will not regret a penny. And Jenn, you are hysterical--those boys are so lucky to have you as a mom... Debs, I always had the worst hand-me-down cars from my father too. Buying a brand new Honda Civic with a car payment was probably it for me. Though taxes, ugh. John's been nagging me to do mine. It's always worse anticipating than the actual work turns out to be.
JULIA: I wish it could have been gas, Lucy, but we're out in the country and it would have meant installing a propane tank and line. So, electricity for me. How about you, dear readers? Has there been a purchase that made you finally feel all grown up?
I’m agreeing with Rhys . . . do I have to grow up???
ReplyDeleteI’m not certain there’s anything about shopping that makes me feel grown up; perhaps I came closest to that feeling when I went house-shopping in Alabama all by myself . . . .
As for appliance shopping, we always seemed to have something that came with the house or a still-serviceable hand-me-down. But when we moved here, we had to buy all the appliances for the house. I ended up settling for a stove I didn’t particularly care for, but that choice allowed us to get everything we needed without destroying the budget. And a couple of years later, John suggested we consider replacing the stove . . . .
Very smart, Joan! We've been replacing our appliances one by one as they die. My stovetop appears to be immortal...and brown, very very 1980's brown.
DeleteThree years ago I bought a 1960 brick ranch style house that still had the original kitchen appliances. They were pink: the push-button electric cooktop, the scallop-edged vent hood, the double wall oven (complete with vintage 1960s-era crud inside) and even the dishwasher. They had. to. go. I recognized that they were unique, and valuable to someone out there who longed for pink appliances, so they went to an antique dealer instead of the dump, but they are gone. I think they are emblematic of my whole "making adult decisions" process. Until my husband died I had never lived alone, so all my decisions about where to live and what to have in my house were compromises based on a blend of budget and taste. Since his death, and the subsequent loss of my mother and aunt, I've had the personal and financial freedom to do what I want when I want it, without asking, discussing, or compromising. I've moved to a new town, bought the house I wanted in the neighborhood I wanted, at the price I wanted, and I drive a car that I chose purely for my own satisfaction (red Mustang GT). I have as many dogs and cats as I want (3 each), and go on vacation when I feel like it, to places I want to explore with no family obligations. The funny thing is, all this adult decision-making has resulted in a life that's pretty much what I dreamed about when I was twelve. Every time I opt to stay in bed and read on a Saturday morning, instead of doing chores, I feel like I'm getting away with something!
ReplyDeleteGigi, good for you. Making lemonade,for sure, and making your best life.
DeleteGigi, good for you. Making lemonade,for sure, and making your best life.
DeleteComing up on twelve years as a widow and so far I have to say that, yes, I'd prefer to still have him around and healthy, but also, yes, the life I've built for myself since he passed is not so bad.
DeleteI love these. Because we remodeled our entire 1880 house (down to the studs) after we bought it five years ago, I have exactly the big kitchen and appliances I wanted. Such a treat.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not grown-up enough (or would that be financially successful enough?) to buy a first-class ticket. Certainly buying my post-divorce house all by myself was one such milestone.
I always feel very adult when I sit down every month to balance three checkbooks. Yes, I still do that. On paper. My parents did it, and carrying along the ritual feels like a sacred practice.
Even though when I look in the mirror I see my grandmother (!) I don't really feel grown-up at all. But I am rather pleased about a few things I have done that probably show the world I am an adult. On my own I have bought and sold houses, which impresses some people and horrifies others. But to me it was when I took myself to the car dealer and came home that afternoon with a new car that I had achieved some sort of true adult independence. I didn't even tell anyone I was doing it. Only later when he saw a new car in his grandmother's driveway did my son know. When he told me how proud he was of me that was the best of all.
ReplyDeleteI love that! I've done the car thing - all by myself - and it is an amazing feeling!
DeleteFlora and Susan, you were the winners of my books two days ago! (I don't see that Julia posted your names anywhere.) Please send your mailing addresses to me at edith at edithmaxwell dot com. And congratulations!
ReplyDeleteJudi-- that's a great story!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have lived on my own since age 19, I have always rented. So I have never had to buy new kitchen appliances or pay for expensive renos. I have traveled plenty, but have never bought a first class ticket...I would rather spend my travel money on other things during my vacation. So if buying these expensive doo-dads are a sign of being grown-up, I guess I am not there yet, ha ha!!
ReplyDeleteAnd most of you know I also do NOT drive, so I have never bought a car...another adult right-of-passage that I have missed!
ReplyDeleteI don't drive either! I live in Chicago, where public transportation is easily available, so I've never felt the need to learn. I told my husband the only way I'd get a license is if we had kids (still not sure if that's ever gonna happen) or moved somewhere where reliable public transport didn't exist.
DeleteSo interesting and revealing, Julia - great question. Reminding me of my first car -- such an adult decision it was, and we made it badly buying a Pinto. Because it was cheap and CAR OF THE YEAR. It died at 60K in a rain storm, fortunately 6 blocks from my house.
ReplyDeleteYou have all my sympathy, Hallie. My dad bought me a Pinto when I was in high school. Everything I know about what can go wrong with a car I learned from that golden turkey. It died (again) the day I planned to trade it in, but I whispered into its carburetor, "You can go with dignity, or you can go dangling off the hook of a tow truck, but I am trading you in today." It miraculously sprang back to life, thus reinforcing my animist beliefs.
DeleteGigi, I'm laughing out loud.
DeleteI guess I got a little overly excited when I bought a new washing machine that actually did a load of clothes in less than an hour (the previous machine took almost 2 hours to get through a cycle). But the thing that will actually make me feel "adult"? We plan to strip down the kitchen in a few years after the kids leave the house and I'll have the kitchen and appliances I want. THAT will be adulthood. I think. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteMary/Liz
I've had new appliances over the years, new houses and new cars too, and while I try to avoid paying retail, if I want it bad enough, I pay full price. Last year I got a whole new kitchen that I stroke lovingly each day. But I do have two things that make me feel grown up tho.
ReplyDeleteThe first is that all beds in the house have head AND foot boards. Yes it makes them harder to make, but they are, how do I say it, complete!
And the second is my new used car. I always have bought new cars, and the last one was a small Corolla that I hated beyond hating anything. Because it replaced a Camry XLE, seventeen years old but still luxurious. A couple of weeks ago Julie asked me why I didn't just get what I wanted. I went through the money issues, said I should'nt do that, I am OLD and the Corolla will last me forever, yada yada yada. Then I went online. Long story short, I bought a new ued XLE, low milage, shiny as new, dealer certified, which means warranty, and with all the bells and whistles. Me, that one who doesn't even get it out of the garage most days. Me, who puts less than 200 miles per year on a car. ME! I have a gorgeous fancy grown up car with heated seats!
Congratulations, Flinta!
DeleteYou'll love those heated seats up north! Not that my vehicles ever had them but my husband is one of those spare-no-expense types.
DeleteAnn, congrats on the car!! You should have the car you want. Glad Julie talked you into it:-)
DeleteSo interesting to read all the responses. For me, I think it was when we bought a house.We had owned an apartment but we knew that was only a first step. There was an exact moment just after we moved. We were deep in the throes of getting settled, with two little ones underfoot, a difficult time. We took a break, went into the garden to rake leaves. Baby siting in her snowsuit on a leaf pile, 4year old "helping". And I looked around astonished and thought happily, "My children, my husband, my home."
ReplyDeleteTriss, I remember that moment a year or so after Ross and I bought our "forever" house (which we're still in.) The sudden realization that I had achieved the life I wanted was very moving.
DeleteJulia, now I have 'stove-envy'. ;-0 I think I felt the most grown-up when I bought the house we currently live in. The first home I bought came with appliances, but this one--it needed everything. I didn't even own a couch or a dining table at the time. And the whole house interior had been painted a faded, dirty-ish yellow, creepy color. But there were so many windows to let the light in and so many trees--I had the financial resources to get decent appliances, a couch big enough for me and two boys and two dogs. Time--that felt grown-up--time to make decisions and gradually bring my vision of what this house could be to fruition--to make it a home.
ReplyDeleteWhen I bought my condo back in the 80s I felt like an adult, which is funny, because many people rent for their entire lives. Whenever I refinance my mortgage I feel like a grownup. About four and a half years ago I had to get a new refrigerator, to replace the forty year old one that came with the place. (And the side benefit is the greatly reduced utility bill!) Getting a new furnace when the old one, also original to the condo, died at the beginning of the cold season about sixteen months ago, made me feel poor and older, until the, yes, greatly reduced utility bills! I could go on, but the thing that really made me feel old was getting my Medicare card! Younger people at work keep retiring. Yikes! I keep telling myself I can't be old, I still work full- time!
ReplyDeleteDeb Romano
It's so interesting to read everyone's stories. Making big financial decisions seems to be the most common denominator here.
ReplyDeleteMany things have made me feel like an adult, including having sole responsibility for tiny humans produced in my own body. But probably the single most empowering act of my life, aside from that, was to design and oversee an addition to our house almost 20 years ago now. It involved taking out part of the rear wall of the house, digging a massive hole for the foundation, and gutting the kitchen to completely create a new one.
In the process we ended up with all new appliances at once, which was awesome. Prior to then I'd only bought a microwave or a washer, so I was very particular to get exactly the ones I wanted.
The other adult activity, which some of you will laugh at, was learning to can. I'd always been scared to try it, worried that I'd kill us all with food poisoning. A friend came over to help me a few years ago and now it's no big deal, and I "put up" jams and stuff ok the time, and taught one daughter how, as well.
The words "double oven" are like music to my ears. I remember our first house had one, and when we were looking at it, my husband made me stop doing my happy dance, thinking we would lose our bargaining clout. We are in a rental house and definitely need an ice maker -- filling up ice trays is not nostalgic for me ~
ReplyDeleteHank, your make-up story reminds me of when I was in high school and was convinced that my clear completion days were over and that I was about to break out horribly, and my Mom took me to Neiman Marcus and bought the whole Erno Lazlo 1:00 (I think that's what "time" I was classified as) routine for me. Wow, that was some expenditure back then!
Debs, I had a white honda prelude, which I loved, but the scheduled maintenance was a killer! I can't remember what the white color was called, but I remember the red was "navajo red."
Celia, did you have any problems with Erno Laszlo products? If it is OK to ask?
DeleteI loved it -- it just got too pricey for me, and I ended up substituting cheaper products, and it still worked all right - I think it's the regimen that works. I still have some of their regular normalizer shake-it which I use from time to time, but I don't think they make it anymore :(
DeleteCelia, the tires were astronomical!! And anything that needed to be replaced cost twice as much as an ordinary sedan. Plus, we had by that time two German shepherds, so definitely not practical. But, sigh, I still miss the car.
DeleteHmmm... should have been the post-divorce house (in the neighbourhood of MY choice) or the newly single car purchase, but I think it was the canoe.
ReplyDeleteI'm bummed that appliances don't seem to last as long as they used to (we inherited a 1960's stove once and it worked great) but maybe that's because I dislike buying these sorts of things. I'm keen on retro appliances but they always seem way out of my price range so I guess I feel less excited about more modern appliances. I tend to go for what's going to last the longest instead of looks which is almost the opposite of how I shop for clothes. Go figure!
ReplyDeleteSonia, the original refrigerator that came with our house was a 1940's era GE with the rounded top and a door as thick as a tank. It was easily 50 years old and it still ran. Sadly, the amount of electricity it used was prohibitive. Like Gigi and her pink appliances, we sold it to a dealer.
DeleteSimple enough. (1) When I bought my first new car, an Oldsmobile Cutlass. I ordered it from the factory with all the options I wanted, and was there at the dealer when it came in on the transporter. Cool. (2) When I bought my first home (a condo) and went from renting to mortgage payment...but I was a Home Owner. It took me a long time to save enough for that down payment. That house was new and newly built, so I got to make all the decisions: carpet, flooring, blinds, wall colors, major appliances, then I bought a lot of furniture for it. All grown up, me.
ReplyDeleteCelia! Wow… What a gift! Were you happy?
ReplyDeleteI was ecstatic. I loved having a skin care regimen (I think before that I was randomly using Noxema, Sea Breeze and Bonne Bell 10-0-6 and no moisturizer - egad), and with the Laszlo, my skin never looked better ~
DeleteJulia, congratulations on the new stove! We had to do without a stove for several years now. Using a hot plate instead. Still shopping for a good stove. Our stove was already in the condo when we moved in. I think the stove, the fridge and the dishwasher all are from 1982 ? when the condos were built? Do you have any recommendations? You mentioned your stove has a high Consumer Reports rating. I checked online. Kenmore? Samsung? I saw Viking and Bosch at the local store, though I am not sure the stove will fit in my kitchen.
ReplyDeleteWhat made me feel like a grown up? I remember I was four years old and I said I could dress myself and I did! It is really a gradual process. For me, it was getting a driver's license. Being able to handle life's ups and downs is part of growing up. When I take responsibility for my actions as an emotional mature person makes me feel like a grown up.
Rhys, that's great about playing with your grandchildren. I bet they love it! I like to swing on the swings at the playground.
What about hosting a major holiday gathering? I've not yet done this since these events are always at our parents' homes. If it involves actually cooking a whole meal, I'm realizing this will never happen, ergo, I will never be a grown up!
ReplyDeleteI think that's a great grownup moment, Ingrid. I remember how honored I felt the first time my grandmother told me to contribute something to a family pot luck. Only the adult women got to do that, so it was a rite of passage.
DeleteI have done the big family gathering for most of the holidays - it is so fun - but so much work! Definitely a grown up moment. Hey, maybe I'm more of a big girl than I thought!
DeleteIngrid, I have done Thanksgiving and Christmas several times now, and I suppose it does make you feel like a grown up. But it's also exhausting!! Much more fun when it was my mom and grandmom doing the cooking...
DeleteI suppose re-paying The Girl's college education made me feel about as grown-up as I think I'm ever going to get.
ReplyDeleteBuying a house definitely made me feel more like a little kid - What? They're actually going to let me be in charge of a house and, like, everything? Are they crazy? Who do I call when I don't know how to house properly? Is there a book class? Where are the ADULTING CLASSES?!?!?!
I felt the very least adult ever as I was signing the final insurance papers to check out of the hospital with a three-day old. I most firmyl experienced buyer's remorse that day on the tortoise-like highway drive home with me in the backseat wondering if we could stop off somewhere and buy one of those dental mirrors and did all babies breathe that quietly. HA! And I was an aunt of six by that point.
Mostly, I feel adult when I remember that Being an Adult isn't an actual thing. That there are lots of ways to be mature and responsible and that some of them are decidedly unhealthy. That sometimes choosing the Not Adult option is the most adult thing you can do.
PRE-paying. As in advance. Not re-paying which sounds like I didn't do it properly the first time. Which would be very unadult-like. :)
DeleteI definitely don't consider myself an adult (I'm 30), but the fact that I'm so jealous of your new stove is telling me otherwise. I get so excited planning out my next big kitchen purchase (eyeing you, Le Creuset dutch oven...)
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, the thing that made me really, truly feel like an adult happened about two months ago: I got my very first credit card.
I only had debit cards when I was younger because my mom was adamant about only spending money I actually had (my family is really strict when it comes to loans and debt), and then after I graduated university, I spent years teaching abroad and continued using only debit cards. When I came back to the States, the fact that I was in my late 20s and had zero credit was somehow worse than having bad credit. So it wasn't until two months ago that I was finally approved for my own credit card. Holding it in my hand was just so...momentous.
I remember getting a Sears credit card back in the '70s for just that reason. Once that was in place, I could get American Express, necessary to have to rent a vehicle on vacation. I make it a point to pay in full every month, but it's good backup and avoids having to carry too much cash.
DeleteOh Hank, I have on rare occasions said, "Don't tell me the total" when making a purchase (though they always do when it's time to sign the credit slip). It's a freedom to splurge gained by being mostly careful and responsible. Paying of the mortgages, first the condo and now the house, felt very liberating. I hate debt and interest, which feels like paying for no return value, and I love the bewilderment on the car dealer's face, "Who did you say you are financing this through?" No one. A friend told me that credit card companies raise the interest rates on people who can't repay quickly enough . . . seems usurious to me, like the mortgage companies taking people's homes after accepting bailouts from the taxpayers. Closing the Bank of America mortgage and other accounts felt righteous. Enjoy the grown-up and not-so-grown-up adventures. Hugs <3
ReplyDeleteI'm with Rhys. Not growing up. Just today we were at the Walmart and I walked all the curbs. Hey, maintaining balance is an important adult skill!
ReplyDeleteAnother biggie for me was buying my own furniture. When we moved into this house (my third) we still have hand-me-down living and dining room furniture. The 60's sofa and the handmade mosaic tile table were my mom's, the dining room table a friends. I bought exactly what I wanted. The dining room furniture I still adore twenty years later. That first adult sofa long ago went to sofa heaven, but we've had a very grown-up (expensive) leather sofa and armchair for more than ten years now, I and intend to keep them until they resemble the venerable aged Chesterfields in English novels.
ReplyDeleteI'm loving all these fun stories and comments. Every so often Donald and I will have dessert for dinner. Not after dinner, but instead of dinner. Like Apple Pie with Ice Cream Dinner. And one of us will always say "isn't it fun being a grown-up and eating what you want when you want?"
ReplyDeleteWe've been known to do that, Kaye. Nothing like brownies for the entrée!
DeleteI'm not sure anything has had a lasting adult effect, but one of the most satisfying was having a mortgage-burning party for our first house. I accidentally set off the smoke detector by standing too close, but it was worth the moments of awful noise. :-)
ReplyDeletejanet
"Anyhow, the Hooligan looked at me with one eyebrow higher than the other and a voice full of sixteen year old wonder and declared, "I am being raised by an eight year old. It's all coming into focus now." So, yeah, still waiting on that whole adulting/grownup thing to kick in. Not gonna hold my breath."
ReplyDeleteFirst, your kid is brilliant!
Second, I, too keep waiting. Although there's this odd older woman who keeps looking out of the mirror at me...
Libby Dodd
While pretty much any purchase you can make when you are making your own money can make you feel like an adult, it is the biggest ones that really cement that "adulthood" status. A home, a car, big medical expenses, kids of your own.
ReplyDeleteOr sadly, when you have to bury a parent. I've now lost both of mine and given that I essentially had to use part of the life insurance money that came to me to pay for my mother's services, any lingering "when do you OFFICIALLY feel like or become an adult" feelings are gone.
I lived with my mom after the passing of my dad 11 years ago and we made it work to keep the house. And now that responsibility is solely my own. Funny how you never really feel ready for that kind of thing.
I know that while everyone else was dealing with grief when my dad died, it was up to me to be the adult and keep things focused as we prepared to say goodbye. Though a bit of timely tension breaking humor was something I provided as well. When the funeral home guy suggested a coffin style by mentioning the glazed finish on it, I couldn't help but comment that glaze belongs on a donut not a coffin.
Adulthood has its benefits but it does have a definite down side. The purchases come at a cost like it or not.