LUCY BURDETTE: John and I will be celebrating our 25th wedding
anniversary next week. I feel so grateful to have a husband and a marriage that
I can rely on for love, support, and lots of laughs. And that his kids, who
were part of the package, have become my beloved family, too. Here we were on that day 25 years ago. #younganddumb
Every marriage has its challenges and heart of ours was
probably negotiating a new relationship while becoming a stepfamily. Some
statistics show that divorce rates for all marriages lie between 40 to 50%,
with second marriages coming in at 60% or higher. There’s a reason for
that—it’s hard! The kids have to cope with an upheaval in their lives, loss of
their full-time parents, and two sets of rules (if they’re lucky and have both
parents involved.) The divorced parents have to grapple with having contact
with the parent of their children to whom they are no longer married, often for
good reason. The stepparents have to face the reality that a peaceful, orderly
life as they knew it has changed. I had been single for seven years when I
married John—I had a cute little Cape Cod house, two cats who were always glad
to see me and never talked back, and complete control over my schedule and my
refrigerator. Making the adjustment was--ahem-- a challenge! #biggestchallengeever #notalwaysgraceful
At one point early in our marriage, we were advised to develop a schedule of positive reinforcement for the kids, where they earned points for things like picking up, cleaning the guinea pig cage, setting the table etc. And then let them choose prizes they could win once they reached a certain point total. We posted all this on the refrigerator. Molly's top choice was a big troll.
One day John's brother and sister-in-law came over and Margaret noticed the list. In a perfectly flat voice, she looked at John and said: "But Roberta already won the big troll."
At one point early in our marriage, we were advised to develop a schedule of positive reinforcement for the kids, where they earned points for things like picking up, cleaning the guinea pig cage, setting the table etc. And then let them choose prizes they could win once they reached a certain point total. We posted all this on the refrigerator. Molly's top choice was a big troll.
One day John's brother and sister-in-law came over and Margaret noticed the list. In a perfectly flat voice, she looked at John and said: "But Roberta already won the big troll."
Thinking about what I’ve learned over this period of years,
I wondered what I would have advised my younger self? #stillworkinprogress #advicefromme
1. If there is a choice, opt for being kind and generous.
Corollary to that: How important is the stand you are taking right now? (See Still Working, above...) #channelDalaiLama
2. In tough times, remember the things that attracted you to
this person. (Let’s assume for now that these were positive!) Are they still
there? #worthfightingfor
3. Every day thank God and Universe for my John! #Lucy'sgotthebigtroll
3. Every day thank God and Universe for my John! #Lucy'sgotthebigtroll
What's your advice for a happy marriage or partnership?
Congratulations, Lucy, to you and John . . .
ReplyDeleteWe’ve been married for thirty-eight years and, of course, we’ve faced difficult times in our life together just like any other couple. But we’ve never blamed each other for any of those difficult things and we’ve always stood together.
We’ve always tried to be supportive of each other . . . we enjoy each other’s company and, from the beginning, we’ve always done things together as a family.
We always say, “I love you” . . . and I never missed saying that before John went to work because all kinds of things could happen to policemen . . . .
Congratulations on 38 Joan--not easy to accomplish! Great suggestions too--I can't imagine what it would have been like to be married to a policeman...
DeleteCongratulations Lucie and John! I so agree… We are actively kind to each other, and supportive. We don't say "I told you so" or those kinds of disparaging remarks. We have never discussed this, but we are actively on the same team, and supportive, and enthusiastic. In public, we never belittle each other, or in private either!, or roll our eyes at each other Unless it it is with humor and affection. And yes, Joan, we say I love you too, and please and thank you and good job! .
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, "how important is this really "" is a big deal. Life is short.
Remembering that you're on the same team is so important Hank, and you two are a model of that. Yes life is short, and getting shorter right?
DeleteOh, my phone wrote Lucie. oops. Hmm. Again, dictation. We are going on 20 years this fall...so amazing. It seems like an instant. And yes, we each are truly interested in the other's profession..and we work together a lot. And yes, I sometimes, if I'm getting annoyed, think--what if he wasn't here at all? And then nothing matters.
DeleteLovely post, Roberta. All good tips, including those from Joan and Hank. #lovethehashtags Especially in the second phase, except I was the one bringing children to the relationship, not him, I learned the importance of "How important is the stand you're taking?" Not fussing about stuff that doesn't matter is critical. And laughing is, too. #stillworkinprogress
ReplyDeleteYes, you know first hand Edith--but in the heat of the moment, it isn't always easy to tell whether something matters. that's why stepping back can help, right?
DeleteCongratulations Lucy and John!
ReplyDeleteThe Hubby and I are coming up on 21 years this August. The Girl once told me she thought we were headed for divorce because we argued (#stillworkinprogress). I told her that's often part of the deal. Very rarely (if ever) do you see a couple who never fights. That's a fairy tale. But you keep trying to be better because #worthfightingfor.
Clearly I love the hashtags. Oh, and the "how important is the stand you are taking" is a question I ask myself all the time...with many different people (including my children)!
Mary/Liz
And fighting fairly and with some kindness (although that sounds silly, doesn't it?) makes a big difference. Oh yes, that question really helps with teenagers:)
DeleteCongrats on your 21!
Thanks! When I'm fighting with the kids over something, I always ask, "Is this the hill where I want to plant my flag?" It's amazing how many times the answer is, "not really."
DeleteMary/Liz
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DeleteCongratulations, Roberta and John! I think anyone who enters into a marriage thinking it will be some sort of cruise ship happily ever after is doomed, but anyone who understands that you've just promised to be on each other's team, and means it, has a good chance. Warren and I thanked each other for the things we did, and were lavish in doling out hugs and kisses. While there were, naturally, times when one of us wanted to strangle the other, we found that skin-to-skin touching--even if it was just holding hands (not necks!)--could smooth over a lot of that discord and reopen the path to understanding. And yes, absolutely, choosing your battles is vital. If you don't argue over every little thing, you each pay more attention when it's a big thing.
ReplyDeletethe team thing is crucial Gigi, though I honestly never thought of it that way when we were in the thick of those early years. Great advice all the way through!
DeleteHarry and I are coming up on 39 yrs. Years ago I read a quote from a man on the street about how to have a long and happy marriage. He said it's all about the 3 Cs. Communication, compromise, and cuddling. Those words have worked for us. And we don't "fight" per se. We may have heated "discussions", but never anything nasty. Also, we never yell from one room to another. If person A wants something from person B, person A goes to where person B is. And we touch a lot, even if it's just finger tips. And I never said anything negative to my stepdaughter about her mother...even when there was plenty to say! And guess who has the better relationship today. Ginger and me, not Ginger and her mother.
ReplyDeleteOh Pam, you've clearly been in the trenches and lived to tell about it. I love your 3 C's! We will have to consider not yelling to the other room, especially as our hearing isn't as sharp as it used to be:)
DeleteYes, so interesting! we don't yell room to room, either. (although one day I called him on my cell from the study--he was two rooms away.)
DeleteCongratulations, Lucy and John!
ReplyDeleteI can't offer any personal advice but my parents were married for over 40 years until my mom passed away in 2003. It was an arranged marriage. They were never an affectionate couple and were total opposites in personality but they supported each other. I think I mentioned in an earlier JRW post that my mom because very sick from age 34-38 (kidney dialysis, kidney transplant). My dad stoically dealt with helping her including long round trips to the hospital and later doing the dialysis treatment at home. But I must admit she still did all the cooking, housework (no help there). And I never saw them openly argue or fight. After my dad retired and my mom was still out working, my dad gave in and learned how to cook dinner and do some household chores which was a nice sharing of responsibilities.
Another arranged marriage story. I didn't see this when I was writing mine. How do you feel about arranged marriages? Pros? Cons?
DeleteWell, Ann I was NOT happy when my godparents and grandparents tried to hook me up with a suitable fellow when I visited Japan as a teenager for 2 months. They though I needed the help! I had to politely decline. I know arranged marriages are the norm in several cultures, so if it works for them, so be it. Just not for me.
Deletethanks Grace! Sounds like your parents definitely had the team thing going. It's sometimes hard to know what's going on in the heart of a marriage--from the outside anyway.
DeleteIn an arranged marriage, I would think the couple starts out with the idea that they are a team. Maybe not as romantic as some beginnings, but more practical and less fraught with disappointment in the long run?
Lucy: Yes, I expect in an arranged marriage, the goal is a firm commitment to stay together. Romance usually does not figure into it...it is a practical arrangement between two families.
DeleteJulie and I will be together 21 years next month. If we ever decide to get married, you are all invited! Everything everyone has said is true, so no need for me to say it again, but kindness is paramount I think.
ReplyDeleteWe have an Indian friend whose marriage was arranged. She says it was her choice to abide by her family tradition, and she and her husband did not know each other before. They are very happy, extremely well off, and have two children in college, one at Harvard and the other at Duke.
Hard to imagine, but I'm telling you, I could have done a better job picking out the first wives for my sons. By the second time around, they themselves figured it out. There is a lot to be said for similar backgrounds, political and spiritual persuasions, and life expectations.
Happy anniversaries to you all
Ann
thanks Ann, and we would love to be invited--though you two sound like you are married in spirit anyway!
DeleteOne storytelling couple points out the "Not without Uncle Rat's consent" line in "Froggie Went a'Courting" as a reminder to heed relative's opinions of prospective spouses because they will look with cooler and more realistic perspective. I used to share that opinion with my class when we read OTHELLO.
DeleteSincere admiration from me to all who build strong, long-lasting partnerships. <3
Yes, we would love to be invited!
DeleteI married a widower with two small boys. I had no idea the onslaught of negativity I would face from the wife's friends, her sister, teachers, even the eye doctor of one of our kids. It was appalling the remarks made. My husband ignored it. I wore it on my sleeve. When word got out I adopted the boys, talk about a backlash. Teachers wouldn't speak to me only their father, my husband.
ReplyDeleteTen, fifteen, twenty years later, we would run into people who knew our history, and they would look to my husband to ask how the boys were. Discounting that I was a stay at home mom who did their laundry, fed them, taxied their butts all over, and the hottest day of August moved them into their college dorm and every blasted hot day in August thereafter, moved them to a new location. I couldn't possibly have any idea how OUR boys were doing.
Oh well, thirty years of marriage with a good fifteen, twenty years left. Retired to the mountains, he does his thing, I do mine, we meet at five o'clock, prep and cook, enjoy great wine, sing off key, and end the evenings watching Midsomer Murders, Miss Fischer or Longmire. Our life is rich, we strive for nothing more.
that's a shame Pam, that negativity. I hope you are reaping the benefits of all those years you put in service to your boys. I imagined it would be harder to come into a divorced stepfamily, but I know that every constellation has its challenges!
DeleteThis s so sweet, Lucy. Jerry and I just celebrated our 48th. A number that feels like it's longer than I've been alive. It helps to have married the right person in the first place.
ReplyDeleteAnd Ann/Finta, we'll be there if not in person, in spirit!
Jerry obviously married a child Hallie! 48 years is quite astonishing. We hope to make it that long, but we may not know who each other is LOL
DeleteThat is an occupational hazard of loooong marriage.
DeleteWow, Hallie! 48 years is quite the accomplishment. My husband and I have been married 40 years, and I know what you mean by the number seeming out of proportion to the time you've been alive.
DeleteSo Hallie, you were what, 14, when you got married? Cousins? :::ducking:::
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ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful family you have built with love, patience, and determination . . . and I suspect much humor as well. Felicitations <3 My high school students once were discussing marriage and the high rates of divorce, not sure they believed marriages could work. I was heading to a storytelling weekend and promised to ask long-married couples for their advice. The most important, they said, was to maintain some separate interests and to respect each other's endeavors.
ReplyDeleteMy students and nieces/nephews were my children. One young man, whom we literally rescued from a suicide attempt, said that perhaps my not having children was "why you have time for kids like me." (eyes a bit misty) I'm still in touch with some. Last week a former Shakespeare student I hired to power wash the house brought his FOUR! children and we played while Daddy worked. I told stories in a former student's first grade classroom. Her students were awed. "You were our teacher's teacher?" <3
thanks Mary! I love those stories of how you influenced students--what a gift to them. Yes! to maintaining separate interests--but also trying not to be threatened by that space between you. I'm pretty sure I could do a better job now:)
DeleteBecause we got married in my husband's parent's church we were required to attend pre-marital counseling in a group with a young associate pastor and then as a couple with the pastor who would marry us. I was resistant mostly to group because while I felt they brought up important discussion points a group of strangers, unmarried and on second weddings, didn't seem like they would be a source of good advice regarding people they'd never met. Ditto the UNMARRIED associate pastor who tssked when I refused to answer, in public, how many times a week I wanted to have sex with my soon-to-be husband.
ReplyDeletePiece of Advice #1: You know yourself better than anyone else so trust your gut. If you don't know yourself better than anyone else, you have no business getting married.
All of the group, except the couple married the week before us by the same pastor, are divorced. They were both widowed and the only other couple having a small wedding.
We were required to take a test. An actual Scantron exam like the SATs. When we received the results, in private, after the only private session we'd had with him, the associate pastor apologized to us saying he had planned to advise our officiant we weren't suited because of our resistance to the public class. But that we'd passed the test with the highest score of any couple in the class and our private session had been much more revealing than he'd anticipated.
Piece of Advice #2: Relationships happen in private. What people see in public is a reflection of public personas and not necessarily reflective of what happens in private.
Piece of Advice #3: Whether a relationship survives depends on how you pass all kinds of tests. That's when the truth strength of a bond is revealed.
Our officiant, in our private session, was displeased that we wanted to dispense with traditions vows. We weren't "taking" each other from anything or anyone and we didn't want to start out marriage on those terms. When he heard that we wanted to replace take with choose, he was much more amenable and even approved of that decision.
Piece of Advice #4: You do not "fall" in love and anyone who tells you that you don't choose who you fall in love with is very wrong. Falling in love is not about real love but infatuation and lust. Love is a choice. I choose to love my husband, every day, every annoyance, every fight, every bad day. Choosing to love someone even when they're not perfect or not being or doing everything you want is how marriages last. When we vowed to choose the other person every day, we took responsibility for being adults and having an honest marriage.
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DeleteYes, choose to love him every day. Perfect.
DeleteWow, that's a harrowing story about your prenuptial counseling. Good thing you stood firm and strong. I think one difficulty is you don't always know yourself as well as you thought. That evolveS with time and practice. But I am totally on board with the choosing advice – excellent!
DeleteLucy, you and John are so adorable together! Congratulations on your upcoming 25th!
ReplyDeleteRick and I just celebrated our 23rd on May 14th, but we've known each other for 46 years. (Like Hallie and Jerry, we were CHILDREN.) Having been the one to bring a child into a second marriage, I can testify to how hard it is. But we all survived, and Kayti has a good relationship with her dad and stepmom, too.
Love your hashtags, love your advice, all of which I work at every day, even after 23 years:-)
Congratulations to you and Rick! You were babies LOL. And what fun for your daughter to have a stepfather with a long history. Survival is a great thing, and it isn't always pretty along the way!
DeleteThe best advice I ever saw on marriage came from a newspaper column written by a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi. A middle-aged woman had written for advice. Her faith frowned on divorce, but she had been married for many many years to a cold, distant man. He contributed nothing to the marriage except finances--no love, no tenderness, no shared activities. Refused counseling. The priest and the rabbi told this woman: God loves you. God wants you to be happy. You have tried as hard as you could to make your marriage work, but you can't do it alone. It is not a sin to divorce this man and look for some happiness and joy in your life. It seemed a powerful statement of what marriage or a union should be--you each make a space for the other in your life--and not grudgingly or niggardly, but with open hearts to create the possibility for joy and happiness to enter in your lives. And you work to keep building that space, stronger and stronger, so it can weather the bumps and loads that threaten to shift it, shrink it, or tear it apart. (And sometimes that space has to stretch mightily to offer shelter to the other's children--and in other ways we never anticipate when we invite someone into our hearts and lives). Blessings on you all!
ReplyDeleteThank you Flora! And you are so right, you can't fix or build a marriage by yourself. Though you can be the instigator for improvements…
DeleteLucy, I think this story stayed with me so long because that poor woman hadn't written asking for 'permission' to divorce her husband. She had asked for advice on how to go on living with him! The compassion in their response to her--that she had a right to be seek happiness--to end that kind of marriage, touched me.
DeleteCongratulations, Roberta. That's so great!
ReplyDeleteSteve and I have been married since hippies roamed the Hollywood Hills, when we sang and smoked at Griffith Park Love-ins, watched rehearsals at the Greek, had hot fudge sundaes at CC Brown's on Hollywood Boulevard and went parking up on Mulholland Drive. Love him so, so, so very much.
We are so separated at birth, Reine.
DeleteSuch a blessing for you both and an inspiration to the rest of us!
DeleteOh, Reine. Sister.
DeleteAren't we though, Hallie.
DeleteTruth, Lucy Roberta. I know I am blessed by his sharing this life with me. I can only hope to always be here for him as long as he needs me.
Thank you, Hank.
Early Anniversary wishes!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mark!
DeleteCongratulations to you Lucy and everyone else that shared their tales of matrimonial bliss.
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed when I see stories of long marriages because I have a hard enough time being around someone for 25 minutes never mind 25 years.
Despite my parents being married for over 30 years, I am pretty sure I missed out on this desire people have to get married. I have never once felt the urge to say "I Do" or to stretch it out, have kids.
It is just not in my makeup I guess.
And that's a good thing. It's how YOU feel. Great. Everyone's lives are different. xooxo
DeleteJay, as Aimee said, "you know yourself better than anyone else" so well done taking the path that works for you. I've routinely encountered helpful people who tell me that I'll regret not having children. Nope, I don't think so!
ReplyDeleteMy hubby and I have been together 25 years, married for going on 17. I agree with so many of the things others have said -- be on the same team, support one another, be kind. I would also add that we didn't go into our relationship wanting to change one another, which I think is a recipe for divorce. And although people often don't like to hear this, I think we benefitted from a healthy dose of luck.
Yes Jay, what Ingrid said – you know what suits you and will make you happy or unhappy. And that's what's important, despite any pressures that come from outside. And luck is a really good thing – bring it on for all of us!
DeleteIngrid, as you said, I'm pretty sure of myself in how I want/need to proceed with life. As for the people who say you'll regret not having kids, don't believe a word of it.
DeleteI don't have any kids, but it isn't like I hate them or anything. Hell, I coached youth league basketball for 25 years. And considering I would coach two teams for both the winter and summer leagues, I had well over 300 "kids" if you want to look at things that way. Just that the best part was they went home to someone else at the end of the day. :D
As for being supportive/same team etc, I'm sure that is a definite for staying with someone. My experience at trying to even date seriously was such that I refer to one as "The Disaster" and the follow up as "The Aftershock". So...book signings, concerts, ball games and dinner at the 99 for me, thank you very much.
Yes, Ingrid, luck and timing. xoxo
DeleteWedding Season! We will celebrate our 48th anniversary on May 31st, and I join the chorus of "we work at it, and it ain't always easy." We are both fiercely devoted to our children and grandchildren, as well as to certain ideals. We are partners. We met when we were 18 years old, college freshmen! Since then, we have both grown up and in many ways we are less compatible than ever -- but the core values and the attraction are strong glues.
ReplyDeleteThat's such an interesting comment Denise, that in many ways you are less compatible. Young people we would do well to listen to your advice how about being partners with core values! 18 years old– Imagine how much to have changed since then. Congratulations!
DeleteOh, Lucy, you were such a beautiful bride! You seemed to have a sparkle, which you still do. Going from being single to a family of four must have been an adjustment for sure. Congratulations to you and John on 25 years of marriage.
ReplyDeletePhilip and I have been married for 40 years, and with two grown children and two granddaughters, I feel so blessed. There have been some hard times, of course, some struggles that required a deep commitment to that fresh, young love that brought us together. And, now, the payoff is a love and a contentment that we can count on in our "golden years." My son said something to me recently that made me so happy that I had kept the bigger picture in mind when troubles to my marriage came. He told me that he knew that his dad and I had had some struggles, but he admired us so much for working through them. Now, I'm not saying that all struggles by couples can be or even should be worked through, but our tenacity was right for my husband and me. As Denise Ann says, those "core values and attraction" have been "strong glues."
Thanks so much Kathy, and congratulations right back at you. Seems to me as though all the marriage counselors should be asking their couples about their strong glues right from the beginning! I have to admit that when I was in my private practice, I found working with troubled couples to be the most difficult of all. Often things were so far gone by the time they got to my office, that it was hard to find a solid base to work on.
DeleteCongratulations, Roberta! 25 years is such an achievement. After 18 years, Hub and I still try to make each other laugh, even when it's completely inappropriate (Hooligan 2's graduation ceremony from Middle School today leaps to mind) and I think as long as we're still doing that, we're going to be okay. But I do think being kind is so much more important than being right. You and John certainly seemed to have figured that out - well done!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, laughing is crucial – and we know you have a top-notch sense of humor!
DeleteCongratulations to you! By the looks of that wedding picture, everyone won!
ReplyDeletethanks Dianne, I think you're right!
DeleteWhat a lovely story! Happy anniversary!
ReplyDeletethank you Sherry!
DeleteWe're going on 15 years in June. Second marriage for both of us although I was widowed and hubby was divorced although his ex had passed away by the time we married. I had two kids still living at home--he had two off on their own. He always says he wanted someone who would sit in the canoe with him and paddle side-by-side. It wasn't always easy in the beginning integrating our families (and I had a darling house I also hated to give up), but we made it. As you said, being kind is probably one of the most important things you can do!
ReplyDeleteCongrats to you Peg! It's a big adjustment but sounds like you guys made it with grace.
DeleteWe'll have 45 years under our belts this August. We were asked once at a wedding reception what the secret is. My husband said "always say yes dear." My answer was "tolerance.'
ReplyDeleteLOL Pat, congrats on 45--essentially you two had the same answer!
DeleteLucy, who are the cute kids in your wedding photo?
ReplyDeleteThose are John's children, now mine too! You've probably seen pictures of them on Facebook, along with my gorgeous granddaughter LOL
DeleteI thought they may be John's children, though I was not sure. I think I saw photos of them as grownups on your FB page. Congratulations on 25 years of marriage and Happy Anniversary!
DeleteA sense of humor really helps. Dont know what we'd all do without you and John! And I don't want to find out!
ReplyDelete