Let's Get Resilient!

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LUCY BURDETTE: I like to read the Tuesday Science section in the New York Times (not as much as the Wednesday Dining section, but that’s another story.) The articles remind me of those I used to read in women’s magazines—chock full of interesting facts about exercise, diet, new scientific and medical discoveries in health, etc. This past week an article about cultivating resilience caught my eye. It maintained that people in middle age may be better at resilience because we’ve had lots of chances to practice. And most important, it’s a skill that can be learned. Their tips included practicing optimism, questioning the life story you tell yourself and replacing it with a more positive version, not blaming yourself completely for bad outcomes, remembering times when you bounced back from something hard, supporting others, taking stress breaks with activities that feed you emotionally, and not avoiding challenging and stressful situations—they help you build your resilience muscles!

One of my biggest health challenges over the past few years was discovering I had Meniere’s disease. Here’s a post from 2015 that I went back to look at. My conclusion at that point was that I needed to look at the problem as a challenge, rather than an impossible hurdle. I do think that helped!

Do these suggestions sound right to you? 

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RHYS BOWEN: I think these are great suggestions, Lucy. In recent years I have found I am less stressed, more optimistic. I have to say in part this is due to being financially secure. There is nothing more worrying than knowing college tuition is due and you have no idea how you are going to pay it. But having paid off our mortgage and my books doing quite nicely that worry is gone. Also I find I am practicing positive thinking much more. I am able to ask "What's the worst thing that could happen?" and then think that I could handle that. But health issues... they are worrying. I was really stressed about John's condition and surgery earlier this year and I worry about my daughter's bad migraines. No good answer to tell myself about those. But things like flights being late, missing connections: annoying but I can find the positives in them. More time to work at the airport!

JENN MCKINLAY: Rhys, I am the exact same way with the minor inconveniences like delayed flights or long lines. I always look at it as an opportunity to study my fellow man, write, or stare off at the horizon and give my eyes a break from screens. I do think I'm resilient -- no one can receive as many rejections as I did for writing and not have the hide of a rhinoceros. LOL. When the hooligans were born, I did go into a panic, thinking the parenting thing was beyond me and that I was going to muck it up. I worried about everything from the quality of the water they drank to who they might partner with in life. It was exhausting and really sucked the joy out of parenting. Then I found a book called Happiness is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman and it really spun my head around about the pointlessness of worrying and how to master my emotions and choose positivity. I highly recommend it!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: And I think flight delays and traffic jams and robo calls--very first world problems, right?  We're so lucky to get to deal with those!  Something truly terrifying--being sick, or a family member being sick, or being..in grief, I guess--is much more difficult. So yeah, we do the best we can. I count blessings, look for the bright side, choose happiness. And it seems as if we are all learning this! As the challenge/disappointment/fear/change increases though, then we are tested. Lucy, you are a stalwart! Each of the Reds, I know, has faced some really tough stuff. I guess we have a choice: handle it, or not. One step at a time.

INGRID THOFT: I second Jenn’s point that you need to have a certain degree of resiliency to survive as a writer.  Rejection is just part of the deal, and if you can’t manage it, writing is probably not the right path to take.  Someone once asked my mom what she most hoped for her kids, and she said, “good coping skills” i.e. resiliency. The questioner was surprised; didn’t she want them to be happy or rich or successful?  Of course, she responded, but bad things happen, and if you can’t manage those inevitabilities, than happiness, success, and wealth will be much harder to attain.  I think she’s right.  There are two concepts I try to keep in mind as I navigate life’s challenges.  The first is, “this too shall pass.”  The next is the first Noble Truth of Buddhism, that “all life is suffering.”  Accepting that life can be difficult and that that is its very nature is a useful reminder when life is throwing curve balls.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Ingrid, I love "good coping skills!" I hope I can pass that example along to my daughter. I've never really thought of myself as being resilient, but it occurs to me that I know people who let the slightest setback throw them into a pit of despair, and that that attitude really tries my patience. My response is, "Well, just do it again," or "Try something else!" I know my dad struggled with depression for many years and that he made a very deliberate choice to have a positive outlook on life, and that I admire enormously. I hope I can mostly do the same. (My agent jokes--sort of--about my eternal optimism on the speed of writing. My response is, "Well, I do always finish the book, don't I?"

As for the small things, I don't get upset about traffic jams or waits in airports, etc., etc. Why get your knickers in a twist over things you can't change? And if you are stuck somewhere, it is always a chance to read or write (or take a nap!)

Reds, do you consider yourself resilient? What tips would you share?