HALLIE EPHRON: I'm in the middle of writing a book about a woman who's a professional organizer; she helps people declutter their lives. She's married to a man who's an inveterate collector... Cue scary music.
So I was thrilled to meet Kathy Vines, the author of "“Clever Girl’s Guide to Living with Less: Break Free from Your Stuff, Even When Your Head and Heart Get in the Way.” Her goal: to "help people untangle their relationship to their stuff."
Kathy runs Clever Girl Organizing®. She's a Certified Professional Organizer®, productivity specialist, coach, and speaker. I'm delighted to welcome her to Jungle Reds.
Kathy, why do you think our lives have become so "cluttered," and is it just about the stuff?
KATHY VINES: First, I’ll share that MY definition of clutter as anything that gets in the way of us living how we most want to live. When something isn’t something we need, use, or love right now, it has the potential to be considered clutter.
Why? The easiest answer is that things are just not as expensive as they were in early generations (easier to buy), and the quality is poorer (more necessary to replace). And our homes tend to be larger, and so “I don’t have room for this” isn’t a pain point for many people… until, of course, they’ve filled it all up.
I usually find one of two prominent kinds of clutter personalities when it comes to holding onto stuff. Some are anchored in the past, holding onto items that mark the passage of time even if the items are boxed away and never looked at. The others are fixated on the future, envisioning imaginary scenarios in they “might need it someday.” When past or future items represent a significant proportion of what someone owns, it becomes a signal to me that maybe they’re not living as connected to their present reality and current needs as they might.
I usually find one of two prominent kinds of clutter personalities when it comes to holding onto stuff. Some are anchored in the past, holding onto items that mark the passage of time even if the items are boxed away and never looked at. The others are fixated on the future, envisioning imaginary scenarios in they “might need it someday.” When past or future items represent a significant proportion of what someone owns, it becomes a signal to me that maybe they’re not living as connected to their present reality and current needs as they might.
HALLIE: Where do you see the line between healthy collecting and cherishing and dysfunctional coveting, shading over into hoarding.
KATHY: There are three red flags for “at-risk collecting” for me:
1) When someone is not able to enjoy the full collection because space limitations.
2) If the primary goal of “it will be worth money someday” but there is no evidence in the marketplace that this is true and
3) When the burden (from the cost it may take to keep it up, to the energy to keep it clean, to the valuable square footage it is taking up) is greater than the enjoyment of the collection itself.
HALLIE: What's the first thing you do when you meet a new client?
KATHY: I want to know someone’s goals and, but more importantly, I want to understand WHY that goal is there. When I get a better understanding of the emotional connection to why someone wants to invest in making this big change, it helps me motivate and reinforce the hard work that decluttering can require.
HALLIE: Can you tell us about one of your most challenging projects, and how it turned out?
KATHY: Some of the toughest projects are when I am working with couples and each has a very different (and strong!) opinions about his/her spouse’s stuff, and years of emotional investment in those opinions! Voicing those opinions in a session can derail the spouse’s progress, might be an excuse for not focusing on your own tough choices, and a be bit awkward for me to be in the middle of! More than once, I’ve had to ask one spouse to leave the space for a while in order to get forward progress “for the team,” reminding them of WHY they wanted to do this in the first place.
HALLIE: Ooooh, I LOVE THAT ANSWER. My book, my book, my book, as Hank would say.
What (five?) tips would you give someone who's trying to manage the stuff in their life?
KATHY:
1) Make sure everything has a home. When things don’t have a home, they tend to surf from spot to spot, always creating the “I don’t know what to do with this” clutter.
1) Make sure everything has a home. When things don’t have a home, they tend to surf from spot to spot, always creating the “I don’t know what to do with this” clutter.
2) Know your strengths and pitfalls, and create your systems around them. If you keep putting items ON TOP of a box lid, rather than opening the box, stop using boxes with lids. If you stash things in drawers and can’t remember what’s in them without looking, then drawers aren’t your friends.
3) If you’re in a mixed-marriage (one of you is organized, and the other is not), recognize the two of you genuinely do NOT see your space the same way and likely never will. Create clutter-free and clutter-safe zones that you mutually agree upon. All-or-nothing is just not a tenable strategy.
4) When you hear yourself say, “I might need this someday,” challenge yourself to see if you’re confusing the word “need” with “use” or “want.” It can be *really* easy to overstate “need,” and harder to part with something once we give it that label of importance.
5) Finally, as I say in my book: “Be kinder to yourself than you are to your stuff. Forgive your past, and focus on your future.” Whether we feel guilt about letting something go or failure when we stare at the 2-sizes-too-small clothes in our closet, the emotional investment we make in our stuff doesn’t always put us at our best. When we view ourselves as more important than our stuff, we have a better shot at removing those challenges and being happy!
HALLIE: Kathy will be dropping by today, so pile on with any questions or stories you have about your own relationship with clutter, fraught or otherwise.
And be sure to stop by GOODREADS where she's running a book giveaway through September!
Thanks for the wise and helpful tips, Kathy.
ReplyDeleteI tend to be a bit willing to hold onto things for a while, but I see decluttering as generally being a worthwhile goal.
What advice might you offer someone who is the polar opposite, who tends to get rid of things too quickly . . . and continually discovers they have a need for something they hastily tossed away?
My first advice is to remember that the sting of "oh, i used to have this, and I got rid of it, but now I could use it!" lasts only a moment, and won't permanently scar! :-) When trying to turn what feels like momentary regret into a positive, remember that you got rid of something based on your best judgment at the time, and what you GOT out of it -- less clutter, less storing of stuff you didn't value at the moment -- benefitted you.
DeleteIf you're trying to interrupt this pattern because you think you've been habitually and genuinely *suffering* from this haste, consider a "time capsule" for the things you tend to regret. For instance, if you find it is paperwork you've tossed and later "needed," consider putting some things in a bin tucked away for 6 months (put an appointment on your calendar when time is up). If you haven't needed it in those 6 months, is it now "safer" to let the item go? You decluttered while creating an opportunity retrieval, which might help soften the edge of hasty tossing!
And, in a somber moment, as we look to people like those suffering in Houston right now, we can remember, "It's only stuff; it's all replaceable if we really need to replace it!"
Thanks for asking!
Kathy, thanks for the tips. I love this line: "When we view ourselves as more important than our stuff..." That's so important!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad! I do find that so much of our relationship to our stuff starts with our own feelings about ourselves... and as with so much else in life, we aren't always our own biggest fan! It can be a helpful reminder of the power we give to inanimate objects in our life. :-) Thanks for reading!
DeleteOh, man, do I need some help with the clutter around here! Warren was a borderline hoarder, and I have a whole room of his stuff--what I refer to as my emotional baggage--that I'm still, slowly, ever-so-slowly, sorting through and getting rid of. I can't finish redoing my house until I get rid of all the stuff, but the emotional energy it takes to go through the stuff is huge, and I feel the obligation to go through it all because he has a literary archive to feed, and had a tendency to throw personal correspondence in with old bank statements, and military medals in with random bits of plastic crap nobody will ever need again. I have to go through everything bit by bit. In my heart I know I have lived happily without this stuff for at least seven years while it was in storage but . . . I will strive to memorize your five tips, Kathy, and keep after it.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Hallie, I laughed when I read that your character "helps people declutter their lives," because my immediate thought was "What a great cover for a hit-woman!" Do you have 250 pounds of useless, unsightly clutter on your couch, drinking too much, eating you out of house and home, and using up valuable broadband? We can help you get rid of it!
funny Gigi! and you have a special case with that room of your husband's stuff. that would be hard for anyone...
DeleteGigi, thank you for sharing what you're facing... There is no doubt that going through the belongings of a loved one, no matter how organized that person was, can feel insurmountable some days. Add to that the complexity of what it sounds like you're facing, and "slow and steady wins the race" is the only phrase that comes to mind!
DeleteIf it helps, there tends to be two practical approaches: One is by zone, and the other is by category. When going by zone, I like to picture an archaeological dig site; each room has different quadrants and subquadrants and you're only focusing on certain square footage, one drawer, one shelf, one pile on one desktop. By category would bring you to look at one type of collection at a time, and your brain stays a little focused on the task at hand, like reviewing old paperwork or just clothes or just books. Either way, find the approach that feels like you can make progress and you'll find your groove.
Best of luck as you continue... and thank you for sharing!
That zone or category idea is very helpful, Kathy. I think after I finish my words for the day I will address the corner of my desk!
DeleteThank you for the advice, Kathy. I like the zone approach. Sometimes my goal is "just one box." Any time another box is emptied, that's a win. Sometimes I save easy boxes for when I need a win--for instance, there are three boxes of his books that will be pretty simple to go through and get rid of. I like to think I'm "freeing" the books he used for research so some other scholar or student can benefit from them. They don't benefit anyone just sitting in that box.
DeleteGigi - in my book, the first half is about the "why", the 8 psychological and emotional barriers to why people struggle with letting things go. The second half is the "how", and I explore the 5 areas that people tend to struggle with most commonly -- clothing, paperwork, photos, memorabilia/collections, and books! I end the Book chapter with a story about a man I met who said he began to envision his books in his (vast) library as being held captive, and he needed to free them so that others could enjoy them! It was a transformational vision for him, and I've always loved how much PRIDE he had in sharing that story with me!
DeleteGigi: Great idea!! Indeed.
ReplyDeleteAnd you called it "emotional baggage" - that's the kind of clutter I understand. It's the jackets that he hasn't worn for decades that bog me down. And...
Joan: Someone who gets rid of things too quickly? That's the definition of an unclutter-y person related to a clutterer. Just get my husband started on how his mother threw away all his baseball cards...
Everyone has those stories, right? The choice we made that didn't turn out as we planned (or in your husband's case, the choice someone else made FOR him -- I know a fair amount of THOSE stories, too!)
DeleteWhat I tell people all the time: If you let go of 100 things, you may come to miss or even regret 2 or 3 of them. You have to actually pay attention to how much happier you've become without the other 98.
Emotional baggage is the heaviest we carry and store! It fills the room we let it fill, both physically and mentally.
"What's the worst thing that will happen if I let this go?" is one of my "breakthrough" questions I use with clients, as I try to encourage them to imagine a life without a particular item. Thinking it through and saying it out loud can help someone reframe the importance of an item weighed down with all that emotion. Good luck!
Hallie, Rick has boxes full of his high school hippie t-shirts. And that's just the tip of the iceberg... Sigh.
DeleteWelcome Kathy! John and I are at the very beginning of getting rid of some stuff:). But we saw how hard it was on his brother, whose wife died without throwing one thing out. And she saved EVERYTHING. And I have another friend whose parents saved everything, including the contents of her grandmother's home (she died forty years ago at least!) All of that ended up in my friend's basement...(cue scary music)
ReplyDeleteHere's a question: What about papers and all that have historical meaning for one of us, but maybe not for anyone else, including kids. Throw that out? Leave it be and let the next guy worry about it?
Thank you, Lucy! And thank you for sharing that important perspective; so often I find that people start approaching this process after seeing OTHERS suffer through and modeling how they wouldn't want to see their own future unfold. A glimpse of the future can be the greatest motivation and cautionary tale!
Deletere: Papers with historical meaning:
First, your assumption that it may not mean anything else to others may or may not be 100% true, but if you plan to leave them behind for others to sort out, leave clues! I know 2 things from going through the possessions of someone who has passed away: 1) everyone wishes they knew more about what they were looking at and 2) we can't be sure that the things that were most important to that person are going to be discovered unless we find a treasure map! So, if you have things of importance (papers or anything else) make sure someone else knows the stories. Write them down, attach a note, however you choose to document context of things like this.
That said, thinking critically about what you're keeping is the important work ahead. It has historical *meaning*, but is it *important*? It marks the passage of time and achievement, but is it something that you value for the future? One question I have asked people that can be a startling lens is: "Is this something that was important for you to hold onto until the day you die?" It can be a question that helps people put *importance* into perspective. And by the way, when the answer is "no," a follow up comment is merely, "Okay then, SOMEDAY before then there is an exit door waiting for that item. It's up to you to decide if that day is today, or if there's another vision for an exit door in the future for that item."
Sometimes I will work with clients who not only have their historical paperwork, but the paperwork of THEIR family, already passed on. (Think, "Here is grandma's high school diploma," and grandma has been gone for a while.) Always ask yourself, "Am I holding on to things that are SOMEONE ELSE'S memories? And if so, why?"
Good luck as you start your review of your stuff! Thanks for commenting!
that's such good advice about why am I holding on to someone else's memory items. Mom had a lot of that stuff in her cedar chest and we quietly removed when she was handing out quilts, etc to each of us kids. No one really wanted her father's old horse hide! It was his favorite horse, but none of us have any memory of it, nor of him since he passed away when Mom was a youngster.
DeleteA great example!
DeleteI talk about it in my book with relationship to photos, too. How often do we look at photos that we've inherited, and no one has any idea who is in them, or they are pictures of events or places that are meaningless to us? They are someone else's memories, and we need to determine what our personal obligation to preserving and caring for them is. We may come up with different answers, but it's important to ask the question!
Oh, for Pete's Sake, Lucy, don't leave paper for the next generation. (unless it is a legal document or bill of sale for some important art work) Here's my mantra: if they never knew that piece of paper existed, then they'll never feel its loss. (I'm ruthless.)
DeleteSo timely! My cousin put three more boxes of our family photos, etc. in the back of my car yesterday. My father was the oldest of nine, but only two had children. She is the youngest and I am the oldest of the cousin generation and we have become the caretakers of our aunts' and uncles' STUFF. I find gems among the dross, but it is exhausting! And there is no real reason anyone in the future will want any of it.
ReplyDeleteSo, I rip up photos of people I don't know and bills long ago paid and even wills and diplomas and letters.
And I preserve what seems to tell the story of who we are.
Thank you for some really wise words.
Hi, Denise - Your comment reminded me of a friend who's mother was a hoarder. When she went to empty out her house she found a pile of video cassette tapes in the toaster oven, each of them with a piece of masking tape on them on which was written BROKEN. She also found cash... stashed everywhere.
DeleteThank you for sharing that, Denise! So many people find themselves bearing that title: "Caretakers of someone else's STUFF," and it can be hard to navigate through the obligation of what comes with that title... Does caretaking mean preserve? Does it mean to shepherd it for the next generation of caretakers? Does it mean rescuing anyone else in the future from having to bear that burden?
DeleteThere is no doubt that an eye for curation, and culling down to the critical elements of the "story of who we are" has great importance. It sounds like those boxes are in some good hands. May they end up in smaller boxes!
Thank you for sharing!
Our house is too small to get super-cluttered. Only the important stuff says. Except...
ReplyDeleteFor the giant bin of paperbacks in the basement that we haven't looked at in years, but The Hubby refuses to get rid of.
The shelf by the back door and the window seat in the dining room, our designated "crap-catcher" areas (my term). The shelf piles up with papers and junk despite everyone having a basket, and the window seat is piled with Scout stuff, materials for The Hubby's CCD classes, and various school papers. But maybe these areas are the "clutter-safe" zones?
Mary/Liz
I think there's something to be said for 'letting go' ... if the crap's confined (and he loves it), try not to look at it.
DeleteMary, a designated "crap-catcher" area is definitely a "clutter-safe" zone, as long as it's something you've come to accept is, well, acceptable! If anything, the positive about what you've described is that it appears to be geographically-bound; limitations and boundaries can help define those spaces and keep the clutter contained.
DeleteI tell people that disorganization isn't a blanket-diagonsis; it's usually because people have issues with one of three areas: Stuff, Systems, or Habits. When I read that "everyone has a basket," it sounds like that was intended to be the start of a system, but the workings around it -- what belongs in there? who puts things in them? how long do they stay? how does the basked get emptied? -- aren't hammered out in everyone's mind. Or maybe, they're the wrong types of baskets? Are they easy to get in and out of? Are they too big and things get lost? Too small and things don't fit? Are they the wrong categories? Instead of "each person," would they be better labeled for things like "Scout", "OCD", "School", and then things have meaningful homes? The best way to find out why it's not working is to ask everyone else why it's not working... and what WOULD make it work!
Good luck!
I like the idea of designated crap-catcher areas! I remember reading a book by an architect who was a pioneer in small houses. She tried to keep practical, realistic considerations in mind as she designed. For instance, you're going to come into the house and put down your keys and mail somewhere. How do you design the space so you put those things down in the RIGHT place, instead of random places? If we're realistic, we all know that clutter will accumulate somewhere, so it's a great idea to have place for it!
DeleteI can relate to this... when my husband's "crap" was pooling around his easy chair, I bought a basket for him to throw it all in. It will work until it overflows. 4 months in, hasn't happened yet.
DeleteGigi, I *love* walking through clients' homes and asking them things like, "Can you walk me through how you come in the house every day, what your habits are? Who gets the mail and where does it go? Where do the keys and your purse go? What do you look for first when you get home?" Those are great clues not only to what someone's NATURAL tendencies are (and we can build great systems around what is natural!) and also where the gaps are. For instance, when someone tells me they struggle with the mail at home, and I find out that "where does the mail go?" depends on who picked up the mail that day, I know I' have the start of a systems intervention in front of me!
DeleteThings are going to land in our homes; that's always going to be our reality! Being thoughtful about where and why can sometimes take some thinking, or some reengineering along the way!
Kathy, the baskets are supposed to be just that: you walk in the back door, it's a place to put your keys, sunglasses, gloves (in the winter) so you can find them the next time you walk out the door.
DeleteI appear to be the only person who actually uses the baskets this way. My son's basket contains plastic rip-thingines from BeyBlade toys he had five years ago! LOL
Mary/Liz
Mary/Liz -- If it were me, I'd be asking the other people in the house what their work around has become (instead of using the baskets) for keeping and finding their most important things... and whether that strategy is working for *them*. I try not to fix something that isn't broken, when the goal is to find things, and they can find things! Now, if they CAN'T find things when they're looking for them, that's when I try to figure out what WOULD work for them, not just what might seem on paper like it should work.
DeleteAnd, um, you can probably do something with the BeyBlade accessories now :-)
Existential question: If you put it in a storage bin, does it stop being clutter?
ReplyDeleteNo... but it may diminish the full weight of the impact it had on your life before becoming contained.
DeleteOne of the well-known sayings we cling to in our profession: "Piles are just delayed decisions." A bin can be the same thing only more portable and stashable (and, ultimately, forgettable).
Likewise, there is a difference between being organized and being tidy. Part of being organized means keeping things that you use and love, things of value to your current and future life, and you can find them when you need them. But just because something APPEARS organized doesn't mean you're organized; they can just be tidy / in order. I mean, if you have saved all your old candy wrappers from halloween, and their neatly stacked and alphabetized, you're tidy. The fact that you've still got old candy wrappers around may be a sign that you're not very organized, just orderly!
Putting things in a bin may appear organized, because of the order it suggests. But that doesn't change the fact that what you're keeping in there may not be worth keeping!
We recently moved from a 2500 sq ft house into a 1500 sq ft apartment. We were eager to let a lot of stuff go, but it was sometimes pretty hard. One thing that helped was accepting that our kids, and their kids, are not going to want all this stuff. One thing I've discovered since we moved is the importance of putting stuff where it goes, now, not later. Otherwise it gets so there is no place to walk. I really like the idea of being kinder to yourself than to your stuff... things related to that have been coming up for me in a lot of places lately; maybe now I've heard it enough to pay attention.
ReplyDeleteYou've already conquered a lot just by doing your first move; I find that your perspective of what is important and worth keeping can get finer as you go through it in phases or rounds. Things you kept from the first move may not even last a year when you get to the new place and start to see how your life in a new space differs from life in the old. You change your environment, your lifestyle, and your perspective about your stuff can lag behind a little, but catches up if you actively focus on it!
DeleteYour point about putting stuff where it goes is so important. In my life (yes, even I suffer from this!) I know that I quickly develop "clutter blindness;" if I don't put it away now, it won't necessarily jump out at me later to follow through and finish it up. I'm always working on this one....
Keep that mantra in mind... if you're not kinder to yourself now, when will you be? Good luck and keep up the good work!
Oh God, what a timely subject. I tend to be reasonable tidy although we won't talk about my mother's china that is stacked in boxes in the basement, hasn't see daylight in 15 years. Julie, on the other hand, is a borderline hoarder. About once a year I go thru her room and clean. Most of what I do is put clothes away, books back on shelves, toss little bits of paper that even I can see are useless. And PUT SHOES BACK IN THE CLOSET. Oddly enough, she complains that Evelina doesn't clean her room as well as she does mine. Hmmm, wonder why.
ReplyDeletePeriodically I go through the house and remove piles of whatever, pitch them. So far I haven't go caught, and the bills continue to get paid, probably because I pay them upon arrival. Next project is relieving the attic of it's burden of dead people's stuff, mostly furniture and tchotchkes. Although when redecorating, it is sort of fun to shop the attic first. I found a wonderful reproduction of a Braque, which is know hanging over the window about the kitchen sink, pears and plums and such.
My room, on the other hand, is tidy. Yes, there is the cabinet of old books, but it has a glass door that keeps most of the dust out, and the books are attractive to look at. This is the last bastion of books that need sorting to sent to the library. It missed the major purge of 2016. I dust a couple of three times a week, keep surfaces cleared of junk, and make great use of two waste baskets by my bed, which is made to perfection each morning. My room looks so good I could eat it.
What I tend to hang on to is clothing, not stuff that is too small so much, but stuff I never wear. I'm thinking of a sweater set hanging in my closet, hasn't come off the hanger in ten years, may possibly be a little big on me. But it's so PRETTY. So pretty that I think I will give it to Evelina when she comes today. She dresses much of the hood in my hand-me-downs.
Note I referred to my room and Julie's room. Before I retired we shared a room, but afterward I moved. Suddenly our getting up times and bed times were too varied and neither of us was getting enough rest. I doubt this is for everyone, but it works for us. Now when we go someplace and share a hotel room, it feels like getting off for a dirty weekend!
Today the last of the staples come out of my knee, and everyday so many things are getting easier. Next big goal is driving, maybe in two more weeks. Then I'll think of cleaning out the basement.
So many spaces and different personalities, all mixed up in one house with one goal: Live your best life in these walls! It sounds like you've got your mission, you've made some progress, you know what's survived to see another day, and what might make the cut next time you're looking at things with a fresh eye.
DeleteOne of the chapters in my book is about clothing; so many people struggle with it! Even when everything fits, we all know that we probably only wear about 20% (maybe less??) of what we own. I have a few prompting questions in the chapter, but one of my favorite light-bulb ones is, "If you went shopping today, would you buy this?" The reason we all know that's a great question is because if we wouldn't *buy* it today, we probably won't *wear* it tomorrow!
Good luck with your staples and getting your mobility back to where you need it to be! Thanks for sharing your story!
That's a great mantra, Kathy!
DeleteLOVE this so much. We just had our roof replaced, and they brought a dumpster. HA. I said to them--can we use this?Yes. I said to my husband: we're doing the basement and the garage. IT ALL GOES. The dumpster was full when we were finished. I was SO happy!
ReplyDelete(Jonathan: Don't throw that! That's a perfectly good suitcase.
Hank: Its a Samsonite from when you were in college! It has a tag for TWA! It has no wheels, It weights a million pounds. It goes.
(I saved the TWA tag, however.)
If you went shopping today, would you buy this? Is the BEST question I have ever heard. ANd I always think about how happy the item might make someone else--that's very powerful for me.
And I only let my husband touch each piece of mail once. (He tends to scan and leave on the counter. Not any more.)
And yeah, the bin thing. I really don't like that. Nothing is accessible and you forget it's there.
Would you donate sets of dishes that aren't used? I think I have too many dishes/plates/platters. And oh--vases!
SO great that you are here today!
Thanks for having me!
DeleteI said to a client once: "Our hearts used to skip when we were presented with diamonds. Now, they skip for dumpsters in our driveway!" I love, love, love that you took advantage of that asset right in front of you and filled it up!
I am so happy you loved the shopping question -- I love how this one opens eyes and fills donation boxes! (side note: HPR loves MY investigative question? Fangirl moment!!)
I have a whole chapter in my book for "But this is still good!" I refer to it as "Purposeless Practicality" -- sure, it still does what it was intended to do, but if it's not filling a purpose in your life, why does it remain there? Keeping a TWA tag is a cool thing. And someday, it, too, may find the exit door over the wing. But for now, it represents .001% of the space the suitcase took up!
Would *I* donate sets of dishes that aren't used? I would say I would, because I personally have! We had a weekend place up in NH and sold it this spring, and don't intend to have a second home again any time soon. We determined two things: 1) We don't need to store "essentials" for a future that may not come and 2) if we needed those "essentials" again, I'm sure we can go find where someone else has donated them, and buy them inexpensively. Why give up our valuable space to such a thing at this point in our lives?
In my book, I talk about the difference between "Status Quo Possession" and "Purposeful Possession." Our decluttering efforts often start (and sometimes remain) in the "status quo" space: "I'm only going to get rid of something if I have a good reason to -- like it is broken or it doesn't fit or i don't have the thing it's supposed to go with any more -- but if I don't have a reason to ditch it, I guess it will stay. It's an EVICTION model. Purposeful possession reverses it; items need to defend their existence in your life. You look to them to determine, "Do I have a reason to KEEP this?" It's a different approach, for sure, but for some people, it makes the difference in a perspective shift.
Thank you so much for commenting!
PS -- one of my other questions in my clothing chapter is along the lines of "Could someone else benefit from this more than I do?" Your comment about how powerful it feels to ask if it could make someone else happy is along those lines. The things we own that are the bottom of our list may very well be the top of someone else's!
DeleteHi Kathy! I am so enjoying your post and replies today! I've just finished (I hope) doing my taxes, because of course I had to file an extension. (The day I get them done by April 15th my accountant will probably die of shock.) I'm self-employed, and incorporated, so almost everything is needed for tax related expenses.This meant going through and sorting about 18 months of un-filed paperwork. My hub even bought a document scanner a couple of years ago, with the idea that we'd go paperless--but somebody has to SCAN the papers and it's not going to be him. And now of course I don't want to go back and scan a year and a half worth of junk. A big part of the problem here is not being sure what to save and what to toss. But I am determined to come up with a working system!!!
ReplyDeleteI do pretty well on clothes--not much closet space. And although I may have too much stuff out on my kitchen counters, the kitchen is very organized. Other than the paperwork, it's the books that are my nemesis. We writers breed them like rats. I haven't used my upstairs office as an office for a year because the books took over the desk!!! Must tackle!!
Deborah, I have a bright, shiny gold box on my desk... in it go all my business receipts! I had to make it large enough and attractive enough so that I couldn't avoid it :-). The scanner is a great idea, IF you're someone who has the motivation and discipline to do the scanning! I use an app on my phone (GeniusScan) for scanning and that has been a big help for me, but I feel your pain!
DeleteGood luck tackling the books and reclaiming your space! I expect you need your office a lot more than your books say THEY need it :-) Thanks for commenting!
Debs, if you used a program like Quicken or QuickBooks (although I think Quicken would work), and then use credit cards for every entry, you can download everything directly into the program. Your accountant can help you choose what categories to set up, and you could even make an appointment with him to do just that. Then at tax time you just let the program sort all the entries, print it out, and take it to him. No need to scan anything.
DeleteYou can also link every other account in your life: bank, savings, loans, cash accounts, even the equity in your home and other assets. It takes almost no time to update, and if you want you can even pay bills through the program (I don't, as my bank makes it easy).
I've been doing the bookkeeping for my husband's business, my three businesses, and our rental property business, for 35 years, using Quicken since it was first invented (by a former insurance client!). I'm not sure why your accountant has not at least recommended that you do this. It isn't exactly paperless, but you really have way less to do.
Welcome, Kathy! I loved today's post probably because if I weren't a writer, I'd want to do what you do! I love bringing order to chaos when it comes to stuff and generally don't have too much trouble getting rid of things. However, we recently had some painting done which required cabinets to be emptied and moved. I'm sorting before putting things back and getting stuck when it comes to the earlier drafts/proofs (all hard copies) of my books. The books have been published, and there's no need to hold on to them so I'm assuming this is some kind of sentimental attachment? It's a symbol of my hard work and I'm reluctant to let that symbol go? But the "symbols" take up a lot of space that could be used for new things! Words of wisdom to help me over this road block? Thanks and congrats on the book!
ReplyDeleteIngrid, is there a library that might like to have your drafts and notes? I've donated all mine to the University of North Texas, which has a very good collection of Texas writers' original materials (including Larry McMurtry.) Maybe a Boston library?
DeleteI can't imagine any library would want them, Debs! But it's an interesting thought. Maybe my alma mater?
DeleteYes, good idea!
DeleteSymbols of accomplishments and achievements can weigh so much more, can't they? I call them "stickier" items, the ones that are harder to shed from our hands once we touch them.
DeleteAsking yourself about the symbol they represent, and why it seems important to you to hold onto them is important, and you can sit with it a while. Noting that the earlier drafts and proofs aren't as final as the books that were published (and I'm sure you have a copy of!) speaks to the relative value of them.
Spend time to ask yourself:
"Why is it important to me to hold on to these?"
"Is it my intention that these will be with me for my entire life?"
"Am I willing to give up other things (WHAT other things) in my life if I struggled with space in order to save these, instead? What's more important than these?"
"What is the worst thing that will happen if I let go of these?"
See what questions you come up with when you're not pressured to make a decision. Hope this helps!
I love the idea of considering if your alma mater would be interested!
And thanks for the congrats!
Thanks, Kathy! The questions are great, and I'm going to also apply them to other "symbols" I'm hanging on to!
DeleteWe're back to de-cluttering again! I guess because we all want to or need to. Harvey spared our neighborhood so I'm not having to throw away things by necessity. We did get some water damage in the attic but we don't have too much stuff up there. Actually I have no idea what is up there. My husband pays for two storage units: one for us and one for his parents' junk left over that still needs to be sorted out. I know the storage facility is closed until further notice. I know the bayou flooded the street it is on. I do not know if the storage buildings got water in them or not. I am torn. Half of me hopes all is well. The other half hopes I have an excuse to go toss everything away and quit paying rent. As for family stuff, we're getting to be a repository of it too. When Mom is gone I do believe I'll make my big brother take all the boxes of photos with him. He keeps claiming he will scan them. All I can say is out of sight, out of mind. The storage facility has boxes and boxes of slides and albums. If they're not ruined I would love to dump all of that on my brother-in-law and let him deal with it. Fat chance! Sorry. I'm venting my spleen here. But I have made some inroads since our last de-cluttering discussion.
ReplyDeletePat - sounds like you have so much on your plate in your future! Your mixed feelings are so understandable; I hope however it turns out, you and your family are able to make the best of what you have to move forward.
DeleteI love hearing that you already have a strategy for the photos, or at least, a strategy that involves you not being involved!
Good luck!
Oh! This shouldn't count at all but we were able to donate quite a lot of bedding and towels and clothing to the shelters. A win/win for all!
ReplyDeleteWhy wouldn't that count? That's FANTASTIC! Some of us need all the gold starts we can gather. :-)
DeleteFirst off, I need to buy your book, Kathy. I would fall in the category of holding on to the past. I just finished a few days of cleaning since some family would be coming in this weekend, and I always complain to myself that cleaning is the easy part, that dealing with the clutter first is what takes up so much time and energy. I'm really trying to get better about holding onto stuff and I'm far from a hoarder, but it's a slow learning process for me. My daughter is the opposite. She weeds out stuff constantly and isn't prone to sentimental attachment. I don't know how she got that way. Hahaha! I tell her girls that they better hide something good if they want to keep it, only half joking. My daughter is ruthless whenever she has helped me weed out, and I have learned a thing or two from her. Of course, my biggest problem is books. They are pretty much in every room, but I also have many book cases. After my cleaning this week, I have one room left which is going to require a major dealing with, and it is the books in there that will need the most work.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting today, Kathy, and for our great tips.
Thank you so much and for sharing your experiences!
DeleteHere's my bet about your books: If you go through your books, even one shelf at a time.
Judith Kolberg (an icon in my industry) wrote about a strategy called, "Friends, Acquaintances, Strangers," which I illustrate in my book how to use as a strategy to break apart and weed a set of collection of items. Your friends are the ones you know and love the best, are your go-to items. Your strangers you are least attached to, and they are never ones you think of when you think of this category. Your acquaintances do the job, and haven't *quite* worn out their welcome as much as strangers have. (I use the example of tupperware to illustrate this idea -- your friends are your go-to, most used. Your strangers are the ones that are stained or odd sizes or the ones where you HATE the lids! The acquaintances are the in-betweens -- they do the job, and you seem to keep them around just in case you have a leftovers emergency!)
You can apply this or similar "rankings" to books if you have them around the house. What if you determined you had a favorite "zone," let's say your living room is where your MOST FAVORITE books that you could never ever ever imagine parting with would live. Which of your books would become "living room" worthy, and which wouldn't make the cut? Then you have a second-tier location, maybe a home office. Okay, of the ones that weren't "living-room-worthy," which would go in the office. When you begin to imagine a third-tier location, you start to realize: If this book isn't worthy enough for my 2 best places, why is it worthy to be something in my life *at all*?
Ranking can help bring clarity to what is important and what just has had staying power all this time, because you didn't question its existence before.
I grew up in a home filled with books (my dad was an English teacher before retiring) and I've whittled my own massive collection down to just once bookcase-worth, down from 4 or 5. It took a long time, and I talk about how I came to my conclusions in the "Books" chapter in my book! I hope you check it out, and best of luck to you!
Wow, Kathy! Thanks for that great advice! I'm going to try it.
Delete