HALLIEEPHRON: When I was at Surrey International Writers Conference in
Vancouver this year, I met Robyn Harding. It's one of the great pleasures of going to writing conferences, meeting people that you then want to introduce to your friends.
Robyn is the author of The Party (June 2017, Scout Press/Simon & Schuster), as well as four contemporary women's novel, a young adult novel, and a comedic memoir.
Oh, yeah, she's also a screen writer.
...AND the mother of teenagers.
So she was perfectly equipped to write about a good daughter, caring parents, and the aftermath of a Sweet Sixteen that tears a family apart. The Booklist reviewer called it
"a cross between Megan Abbott and Jodi Picoult by way of James
Patterson." Not too shabby and right up my alley!
Welcome, Robyn! Please tell this story isn't part memoir.
ROBYN HARDING: When the mother of two teenagers writes a book about an incident
of teen drinking gone horribly wrong, readers tend to make assumptions.
Firstly, they think the book is about the author and her family.
“Are
you Kim?” they ask me, delighted to think that I am secretly an uptight,
semi-adulterous, control freak. “Is your daughter a sneaky drinker? Do you and
your husband keep secrets from each other?”
I assure them that the book is fiction. We are a normal
family, and, while far from perfect, we are significantly less messed up than
the characters in The Party.
Secondly, readers think that I must have a strong, informed stance on teen
drinking, that I must have answers. Sadly, I don't.
When
my eldest became a teen, I was strict. There were no parties under my roof. If
my son was invited to a get-together, I asked about parental supervision. I
never supplied him with liquor, and I did random sniffs of his breath and his
water bottle for telltale signs of drinking.
When he turned 18, he was accepted
into university in Montreal, where the legal drinking age is 18 (it is 19 in
Vancouver where we live). I would be sending my baby to a city, 3,000 miles
away, where he could legally drink. Where he could go to bars and
nightclubs.
Suddenly, I feared my strict alcohol policy had failed him. He should have
practiced! At home! Where I was just a phone call away, if he got sick, or
needed a ride . . . or bail!
My
daughter is in twelfth grade, now. I find myself being slightly more lenient
with her. She goes to parties, on occasion. We talk about setting limits with
booze, about pacing herself, about eating a substantial dinner, and drinking
water between alcoholic beverages (things I learned the hard way).
The scenario in The Party, while fictitious, was inspired by
numerous real-life cases where well-meaning parents paid an enormous price when
teen drinking went wrong.
As a writer, I wasn’t sure I
wanted to tell such a disturbing tale, to shepherd these characters from one
disaster to the next. But I knew this was a book that I would want to read. And
I felt it was an issue that would make for compelling drama.
So now, I have written a novel about teen drinking, but I am no expert. I think
every kid is different. Zero-tolerance might illicit respectful compliance in
one child and drive another one to rebel. Being a “cool”
parent might prompt moderation in some kids, while others would take the
freedom to extremes. I hope that this novel will get parents to talk: to each other, and to their teens. . ..
Whether that is over a cup of tea or a glass of wine, is up to them.
HALLIE: I have two daughters so this resonates with me. You do what you can to endow them with common sense and resourcefulness, but then you have to let go and allow them make their own mistakes. Add alcohol to the mix, and all bets are off.
HALLIE: I have two daughters so this resonates with me. You do what you can to endow them with common sense and resourcefulness, but then you have to let go and allow them make their own mistakes. Add alcohol to the mix, and all bets are off.
So what do you think? How did your parents introduce you to alcohol and help you deal with drinking when you came of age (and before)?
Teenage drinking gone wrong is often a sad news item and “The Party” sounds like an intriguing look at the choices made and the aftermath. I agree with Robyn: it’s an issue that makes for compelling drama.
ReplyDeleteThere were no specific alcohol introductions or dealing with drinking when I was growing up, but we all seemed to figure it out on our own without falling into difficult times.
However, we chose to discuss it with our kids. If we had wine with dinner at home, they were allowed to have a small glass; we never wanted drinking to have the lure of the forbidden.
We talked about responsibility, about not riding with friends who had been drinking . . . all the stuff we figured they needed to know.
But I think Robyn is right: every kid is different and, in the end, you find yourself hoping and praying you did it right . . . .
Not making it forbidden - I so agree. That's what worked with my daughters.
DeleteI also have never hidden the fact that two of their grandparents were alcoholics and how much I cannot abide being around someone who's had too much to drink. I also hate shows that comedy-ize or glamorize drinking. Serious treatment of the subject is another matter.
I'm like you, Joan. My parents basically ignored the issue, and while my brothers and I figured it out for ourselves, I want to give my kids more tools to keep them safe and healthy. It seems to have worked, but my daughter's graduation is in June, so the conversation continues!
DeleteNever having had kids, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. Robyn's belief that each child is different sounds 100% correct. At home we were steeped in European traditions. So much so that English was my last language after German, French, and Italian. We had beer and wine available to us from an early age and at Christmas, something called an angel's tip. Creme de cacao and heavy creme - heavenly! As a result, we never thought about drinking. It lacked the allure of forbidden fruit.
ReplyDeleteI think European's have a healthy relationship with alcohol! I read that the French didn't even have a word for binge drinking until a few years ago! (How do I get some Angel's tip? Sounds divine!)
DeleteTeenage drinking is a big issue. The legal drinking age in Ontario is 19 and it is one of the few provinces where you had to go to high school to grade 13 (not 12) so most Ontario students entered first year university/college being able to drink legally.
ReplyDeleteWe had alcohol at home growing up, but never drink to excess there. I occasionally had some sake or wine at home during my pre-adult years. And since I never learned to drive, it was expected that I would take public transit or call for a ride home, if needed. Same was true at university.
When I went to college in NYC the drinking age there was 18. The bars on Broadway near Columbia thrived. I remember coming back to LA and thinking it was weird that I couldn't order a glass of wine with dinner.
DeleteIt's 19 here in BC, too, Grace! But 18 in Quebec where my son was partying up a storm! Luckily, he's grown bored of that scene and mostly stays in with his girlfriend or roommates now.
DeleteRobyn, I went to University of Waterloo, and lived off campus. Waterloo was never party-central...and we were pretty serious about our studies for the 5 years I was there. So I have no drinking horror stories to share!
DeleteWaterloo has a great reputation for academics. Your parents must be very proud of you!! (And relieved that you have no drinking horror stories!) :)
DeleteMy dad was a cop and my mom was a stay at home mom and there were rules to follow. That included no drinking before legally allowed. Which was fine with me since I had no interest in it anyway.
ReplyDeleteMy parents rarely drank alcohol, though once in a great while my dad would have a beer. I never developed a taste for any of it as I got to the age where I could legally drink, so I am still not a drinker.
Plus, being the only sober person at parties has left me with a wealth of blackmail material should I ever decide to become a supervillain.
Ha ha! That's a great supervillain power to have, Jay!!
DeleteGrowing up, my family was comfortable with a cocktail before dinner, or wine with, and we kids were allowed a sip if we wanted one so, like others here, there was never a "forbidden fruit" allure to drinking. In college I knew I had a 20-minute drive to get home from any party, plus I discovered that more than one or two drinks made me sick, not happy, so I always tended to limit myself. As an adult I developed an allergy to beer, so moderation has always been pretty easy. I've never understood the folks who want to get drunk as a way to have fun, because it isn't fun for me. I think that's just my peculiar body chemistry. Others in my family have developed serious alcohol problems, which gives me another excuse to avoid it. And thank goodness I never had kids. I have no idea how I would have handled it with them.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit of a wild child, but have a very low tolerance now. Which I look at as a sort of blessing. Keeps us healthy!
DeleteI've got that 'body chemistry' thing, too... I go over my limit and I throw up. It's like aversive therapy.
ReplyDeleteMy parents never made drinking a big deal. I remember sneaking a beer once at a picnic and thinking it was awful. I had small glasses of wine/champagne at parties. When I left for college (at 18, the drinking age was 21), my father gave me some basic "rules" and told me to "be smart."
ReplyDeleteI've given both my teens wine. One, I'm in the "don't give it the lure of the forbidden" camp and I was hoping to demystify drinking. The Girl has decided she likes white wine, but not beer or reds. Two, it really is an individual kid thing. My two are pretty level-headed for their age. But I know teens who most definitely aren't.
Mary/Liz
My thoughts exactly! Each kid is different. If a parent knows their child, and has a good connection, they will figure out the right way to handle this tricky issue.
DeleteWe raised our kids to appreciate the taste of good wine. They were served a tiny glass at special family dinners. They saw us enjoying a glass of wine, with a meal. My oldest granddaughter has been to parties where alcohol is served but they seem to be good about a designated driver who doesn't drink. I think the drinking age is ridiculous in this country. You can marry, fight, vote but not drink? It should be 18
ReplyDeleteHi Rhys, (I saw you at Surrey, but didn't have an opportunity to meet you!) The legal drinking age is 19 here, which is quite reasonable. They are a little more mature than 18, but don't have to wait soooooo long to be 21.
DeleteRobyn, THE PARTY sounds like a book I want to read - but maybe through my fingers half over my eyes! Like you, I have a twelfth grader still at home, and while I hope her faith will keep her safe - she's Muslim - I know religious practice isn't much of a barrier once you hit college.
ReplyDeleteRhys, I also wonder if the drinking age ought to be 18 again. I've read that the current wave of college binge drinking may come from the fact that kids are drinking in their dorms or at private parties. That certainly jibes with my recollection. My worst episodes of drinking were in dorm or frat parties. When I was out, and had to pay for my own drinks? I drank much less.
I know some parents have felt nervous to read THE PARTY, but I promise... it's not that bad. (Okay, it's pretty bad ;)) I'm sure your daughter has a good head on her shoulders, and her faith will be a guide. My son partied a lot in his first year of university (though he didn't have much money) but he has settled down now and rarely goes to bars or clubs. Not sure how my daughter will be, though. Best of luck!
DeleteRobyn, THE PARTY sounds both fabulous and terrifying.
ReplyDeleteAlcohol was never a forbidden thing in my family. I was allowed to taste things (most of which I did NOT like) and as we spent a lot of time in Mexico, the culture was very continental. Wine was served with meals and from early teens I was allowed a small glass if I wanted. (And coffee!!!)
We followed pretty much the same policy with our daughter but the teen years were very worrying. Drinking culture is HUGE here (Dallas area) and there is no public transportation, at least not the sort that would be easy for teens to use. Now, thank goodness, we have Uber, and when my daughter and son-in-law go anywhere that they might even have a drink with dinner, they Uber.
I do love wine, and have developed a passion the last couple of years for boutique gin. But I have a glass or maybe two and then I just want to go to sleep, which doesn't make for much of a party girl.
I'd also agree that the drinking age should be 18. I cannot believe that in this country you can vote, fight, get married, have sex, but you can't drink a glass of wine? That's our Puritan roots showing! It doesn't keep teens or college kids from drinking, and I agree with Julie that it just encourages binge drinking at parties.
Hi Deborah, An American friend told me that MADD lobbied to raise the drinking age in the US to 21. Is that true? It does seem rather mature. It is 19 here which is a happy medium between 18 and 21. We are lucky to have decent public transit here, but I don't sleep a wink when my daughter is out at a party. I make sure she comes home with a group - either walking or on transit. (We don't have Uber here. Yet!)
DeleteRobyn, that is absolutely correct. I was already planning to mention this in my response. I know MADD is a well-intentioned group, but I believe they made a big mistake on this one. When I was 18, the law in Ohio allowed 18-year-olds to drink lower alcohol-content beer. So they got to go to bars and clubs and feel all grown up, all the while buying drinks from a bartender paid to cut off anyone obviously over the limit. Today, they can't drink in bars at all until 21, so instead, most young people in Ohio get their early experiences with alcohol at house parties where there is NO ONE keeping an eye out or cutting anyone off. I consider this one of the clearest examples of unintended consequences I have ever seen!
DeleteExcellent point, Susan! When I was a kid growing up in a small town, everyone drank at outdoor parties in the middle of nowhere. The worst case scenario as there was no supervision AND kids had to drive home!
DeleteMy parents never said a word about drinking, or about other uncomfortable subjects. When I got to college I hung out with my fellow hoopsters, some of whom in retrospect I think were pretty bad alcoholics. I tries really hard to learn to like the taste of beer, but I never succeeded. There were a number of nights when I did not remember how I got home from the Rat. Fortunately I developed an interest in a young lady that overrode my desire to hang with the guys. Now I don't drink at all, which is convenient when we go out. Like Jay, I try to take notes and pictures unobtrusively for possible future use...
ReplyDeleteSounds like we grew up in quite similar households, Jim! Now, you and Jay can start a blackmail ring! ;)
DeleteThe Party sounds wonderful--eager to read it!
ReplyDeleteAh, alcohol--my parents had wine, certainly, even collected it in a wine cellar-ish thing. And champagne for holidays and special occasions. As a kid, it was never a big deal. And I never cared. HIgh school, no, it wasn't a thing. My parents would let me taste it, but I never liked it.
Certainly my parents did not make it mysterious--and I really think that made a difference. Now with my two grandsons, I can see their parents being matter-of-fact about it. The kids, 14 and 8, have never asked for a "sip" while I've been in the room, at least, and they don't seem to be interested.
I know the tide will turn for the 14 year old as he gets older--and I think it would be terrifying to be a parent in that situation.
Thank you Hank! It is so hard to know the right tack to take with teens and drinking. I do enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, so my kids have seen us drinking responsibly. I can only hope they will follow suit. Your grandchildren sound like good, solid kids!
DeleteMy parents didn't serve alcohol to us except for the occasional sip. I suspect they knew we were doing the usual experimentation in high school, and their main concern, obviously, was our safety. A glass of wine is one thing, but I've never subscribed to the notion that it's better to have your kids party under your own roof than somewhere else. I don't think excessive underage drinking should be encouraged in any setting.
ReplyDeleteRobyn, I love the premise of the book and look forward to reading it!
I hope you'll enjoy the read, Ingrid! And the plot of THE PARTY will reinforce your 'not under my roof' policy. (Though, the parents in the book subscribe to that policy too and things still go spectacularly wrong.)
DeleteWhen I was growing up, my parents rarely drank, maybe a glass of wine on the holidays. Sometimes there would be wine if my parents were having people over for dinner. We were in our teens when they allowed us, if we wanted, a little bit of wine in a glass of water. But my dad always made it known from the time we were young that there was alcoholism on his side of the family, and that we MUST drink responsibly. I've never developed much of a taste for alcohol, maybe half a glass of wine on a holiday or at a special event, and I don't even do that anymore. Honestly, I'd rather have a cup of tea or a glass of water! Alcoholism ruined the lives of some of my relatives, and I don't enjoy being around people who are drinking. My father was so afraid that he might end up like some of the alcoholic relatives that he gave up his holiday glass of wine.
ReplyDeleteDebRo
Thanks for commenting, Deborah. Alcoholism has hurt so many families.
DeleteAs a young child, the homemade sangria had a lot of lemonade and a variety of fruits, which diluted the alcohol. Growing up, I always had to be very careful because one grandparent died too young from alcoholism (age 39). At parties, if I am given a glass of wine, I refill it with water so the server cannot refill my glass with more wine. And I never drink on an empty stomach.
ReplyDeleteDiana
So tragic about your grandparent! I like to fill my wine glass with sparkling water, at restaurants or dinner parties, too. Good strategies.
DeleteNever met that grandparent. Agreed they are good strategies.
DeleteRobyn, I think it's great you've taken on this issue of teen drinking in your book. It's one I look forward to reading and passing on. One of my favorite books, one that has stayed with me for years and years, is Whirligig by Paul Fleischman. It deals with the aftermath of a teenage boy driving drunk and crashing into an innocent, amazing young woman, resulting in her death. What her parents ask him to do for penance shows how much we touch each others' lives, even those we don't know.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up, alcohol was a forbidden substance. My mother's father died from cirrhosis of the liver when she was a young girl, and she abhorred the stuff. So, I didn't have my first drink until after high school, and I did have a few moments of over indulging. Luckily, I knew drinking and driving didn't mix. My husband and I made a conscious decision to not have alcohol in the home when our kids were growing up, but they, too, found it on their own, although nothing terrible happened. I'm not sure the teetotaler approach is the best. I think maybe showing children that Mommy and Daddy can have a glass of wine with dinner and not be a raging drunk might be the better approach. It's interesting that I never drank in front of my parents, even as an adult, before they died, and my husband, who will soon turn 65, still won't drink in front of his mother or have a beer or anything before visiting her. Not a bad thing to show that respect.
Kathy, thank you for recommending "Whirligig". I hadn't heard of it before, but I will check it out now. A lot of people are posting that alcohol abuse in their families changed the way they dealt with alcohol. I'm sure your parents (and your in-laws) appreciate the respect for their values.
ReplyDeleteHi Robyn,
ReplyDeleteWith regards to the conversation about the drinking age, I feel that lowering to 18 is not a bad idea. When it becomes less of a forbidden fruit, then all of a sudden it becomes less intriguing.
We had an interesting experience this past summer while traveling in Belgium (where the drinking age for beer and wine is 16). Our 17 year old son embraced the opportunity to order a drink with his meal and was having a great time. We were fine with it (legal age in the country we’re in and all that). It was actually a great opportunity to teach him the difference between chugging a beer and taking your time enjoying a beer on a patio. Anyways, after about 5 days of this beer heaven, he chose to have a water one evening with dinner. When I asked him about it, his comment was that the thrill had worn off.
Loved your book Robyn, even though I’m now scared to let them have friends over anymore!! Take care, Jen
Hey Jennifer! We need to catch up in person! Coffee one day? We had the same experience in France a few years ago! My son is much less of a binge drinker than I was at his age. In my day, we drank nothing, or a lot. At twenty, he is quite happy to have one or two beers and call it a night. (But he did not grow up in Quesnel ;)
DeleteWhat a fabulous premise for a novel, Robyn, as it hits a reader on so many levels, their own teen years, their children's teen years, etc. I have teen boys. We don't have alcohol in our house as my husband doesn't drink and I only have the occasional glass of wine while out with friends. We've had the talks, the boys have the Uber app on their phones in case they need a ride because of impairment or to get out of a bad scene, and while I don't like it, I know experimentation is a part of growing up. It won't be happening under my roof, however.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jenn! I think it's great that parents are more open to discussing the issue these days! Giving them strategies and a safe way home, is so important!
DeleteI loved The Party, however it did make me happy that I have dogs instead of teenagers.
ReplyDeleteI hate to tell you, Eileen, but I heard through the grapevine that your dogs are planning a big boozy Xmas party. Be on your guard!! ;)
DeleteLate entry today. Having an alcoholic father introduced me early to the world of intoxication, and I have generally stayed away from booze. As a mother (4 daughters) I was direct, honest, and sort of strict.
ReplyDeleteI told them I knew what went on at parties; that they come from a family with a predisposition to alcoholism; that they could call me anytime; and that I would never serve their friends alcohol.
One daughter chose to have her Sweet 16 party as a Sunday lunch -- she knew she could not control an evening party.
We had many challenges during their teen years (their high school graduation years were '90, '92, '94, and 2001) -- and many good talks. I was able to guide them to help their friends.
And we came out the other side! God bless all of you with teenagers.
Thanks for your thoughtful post, Denise Anne! You and your daughters sound very wise and grounded. My daughter heads off to her winter formal tomorrow night. We are having a lot of conversations beforehand...
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