Tips for humiliating the next generation

HALLIE EPHRON: I remember Erma Bombeck once said that she and her husband had outfits made in the same fabric as their

sofa's slipcovers, so they'd be properly camouflaged when their children walked through with their friends. 

What a parent wears can be excruciating. My daughter wrote a college essay about her father's artichoke T-shirt (from Castroville, CA, the artichoke center of the universe; Marilyn Monroe was their Artichoke Queen in 1947) worn with sandals and socks, a camera and binoculars hanging from his neck, and a bird guide wedged into his pants pocket. Can you say: "DORKY!"

I confess, I was a pro at humiliating my children, too. Here are just a few of my many weapons:

• Singing in the car
• Skipping in the mall
• Dancing (anywhere)
• Talking to other customers in the supermarket
• Wearing fringe
• Using the words hook up in a sentence
• Suggesting the possibility that I have ever had s-e-x
• Not shaving my underarms

"Moth-errr" was the sound they made just before they put as many miles between us as they could. 

Did your parents love to make you squirm? Or maybe you have a few tricks for humiliating the younger members of your family?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  Not having kids, I'll offer a corollary: realizing that YOU are doing exactly the same things your mom did. The things that drove you nuts. 

Like--my mother always chatted with the cashier at the grocery checkout line. MU-ther, I'd whine, NObody cares what you think. Now I always chat.  

Whenever she heard a snippet of a sentence that happened to coincide with song lyrics, she'd ALWAYS sing the song. MU-THER! Now, when someone says, for instance, 'That's what friends are for!" You guessed it.  I sing.  

OH, and digging in the bottom of my purse for the exact proper change. Drove me bananas. Now, yeah, I do it.

LUCY BURDEETTE: Hank, exactly! My mother used to embarrass us by wearing the same outfit over and over – I can picture it, a sleeveless white blouse, gingham checked shorts, white socks and probably hush puppies. We called it her uniform. Check check check. 

She also was big on costumes – luckily our kids were old enough not to feel humiliated by me wearing a hotdog hat with Tonka in a full hotdog costume, marching in the annual dachshund New Year’s eve parade.

I do so remember the days when everything we did was met with a scornful lip curl. At one point John turned to me and said: “something terrible has happened to Andrew. His father has become an idiot!”

INGRID THOFT: I don’t remember being particularly embarrassed by my parents, but one incident does stick out in my memory.  We were on a college tour—at Tufts, I think—and it started to rain.  My father had brought along one of those huge golf umbrellas that featured alternating green and white triangles of fabric and proceeded to open it up.  I don’t understand why, but somehow, I just could not deal with the fact that my parents were the dorky-looking (dry!) ones with the huge umbrella.  In fact, once the tour concluded, I crossed the street to put some distance between us.  I must have been feeling particularly adolescent that day!

And Hallie, I recently skipped through an aisle at Target, holding a “purse” of grapes in my hand (the grapes come in a bag with a nifty handle.)  Luckily, my hubby thought it was hilarious!  I'll skip with you anytime!

RHYS BOWEN: When my kids were in middle school I was writing YA novels. I went to speak to Jane's class and she spent the entire period with her jacket over her head! 

John was really good at embarrassing them. He wore a tailored white bush jacket to their swim meets! Don't let Dad come, they'd plead! And I have to say he drives me crazy when he has to fish for the correct change! 

Funnily enough I don't remember my parents embarrassing me. I thought they were quite cool.  

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: With three children, I have had many, many opportunities to embarrass my offspring, including breathing, looking at someone, wearing clothing and walking down a sidewalk. 

I recall one time when I was singing along to the radio while driving with the windows down and the sunroof open. I had to drive past the local bridge where kids jump off into the Saco River, and - oh, no! - there were some students from The Sailor's high school! He literally unbuckled and laid down on the seat so as not to be associated with the horror of a 48-year-old woman singing with the Black Eyed Peas.

My absolute favorite, though, was an episode I wasn't around for. The Smithie, then in high school, went to a sleepover with some other girls at her best friend's house. Said friend - let's call her Rose - had read my books, unlike the Smithie. At the party, Rose popped open my oeuvre and proceeded to read aloud every erotically-charged and actual sex scene in the series.

The Smithie later told me she wanted to gouge her ears out with a spoon, and then bleach her brain. 
;-)

JENN McKINLAY: My parents, bless their hearts, never did anything to embarrass me on purpose, but OMG!!! 

Dad, why do you have to wear the white T-shirt with the paint stains in public? And, Mom, can you please just drop me off at the curb so no one sees me in a (gasp) station wagon? Let's just pretend I was spawned by a pine cone. M'Kay? 

For the Hooligans, we have a completely different dynamic going. It's the pranking, oh, the endless pranking. My personal favorite was when I pulled up in the pick up lane at their school, wearing the rubber horse head mask one of them had bought for Halloween. They both walked past the car, pretending they didn't see me even though I was clearly waving my rubber hoof at them. 

Of course, revenge is a dish best served cold and while I was doing a frantic shopping trip at Target, I lost them, only to have them come rolling by with one pushing a cart and the other riding inside (they were in middle school at the time) completely decked out in princess tiaras and tutus over Batman and Deadpool face masks. I've never been more proud. 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Jenn, that is hysterical! 

I don't think it ever would have occurred to my parents that they were humiliating me! But with my mom, bless her, it was not so much the things she did (although she would chat with anybody, anywhere,) but her voice. She had the most awful Texas twang, with earsplitting volume, and a certain indescribable grating quality.  The first time I realized I could hear her from the other side of the supermarket, I tried to sink through the floor. Now, whenever I catch the merest hint of that sound in my voice, I think, "No, no, I can't possibly sound like my mother!"

I'm sure I humiliate my daughter on a daily basis. Just the other week she caught me wearing sandals over socks (at home!!!) and said, rolling her eyes, "Please tell me you're not wearing that."

HALLIE: WELL DONE!! So what are your memories of being embarrassed by your parents or tips about how to mortify the youngsters in your family?

Tuesday's winner of Keenan Powell's DEADLY SOLUTIONS, congratulations Pam Christie!