Discontinued Lipstick? Ellen Byron is on the Case!

INGRID THOFT
Today's guest is a renaissance woman of writing.  Ellen Byron wrote for TV, including "Wings" and "Just Shoot Me," has written plays and writing how-to books, and more recently, is the author of the award-winning Cajun Country Mystery series.  She also worked for Martha Stewart in a non-writing capacity!  Is there anything she can't do?  Yes, apparently, there is at least one thing that is stymieing Ellen at the moment.  I'll let her give you the scoop.


ELLEN BYRON: It’s super frustrating when your favorite lipstick color is discontinued. I’ve spent the last year on a fruitless quest to replace a shade Nars stopped making. (Curse you, Nars!) With the launch of my fourth Cajun Country Mystery, MARDI GRAS MURDER and a slate of personal appearances coming up, that quest became urgent.

I recently sold a second mystery series that revolves around a catering hall. My friend Kristen runs Pickwick Gardens, a popular Burbank party venue, so I paid her a visit to do some research. In the middle of asking questions, I noticed her lipstick—and couldn’t take my eyes off it. I finally blurted out, “I love your lipstick. What color is it?” Kristen responded, “It’s called Khlo$ - K-h-l-o-dollar sign.” She paused. “It’s from Kylie Cosmetics.”

I gasped in horror. No exaggeration, I really did. I’m not a fan of reality TV in general and that Kardashian clan, with their first-world problems, body enhancements, and vocal fry  really works my last nerve. Still, there was that lipstick.

When I got home, I fought a losing battle not to check out Kylie’s cosmetic website. “I’m just looking, I’ll never ever buy anything,” I told myself as I typed the address into my search engine. Seconds later, there was Kylie in all her surgically enhanced glory, looking right into my eyes with a Mona Lisa smile, beckoning me to click on “Lips.” Which I did. And let me tell you, whoever designed that website deserves the lion’s share of the gazillions twenty-one-year-old Kylie is raking in. It’s informative, simple, and seductive. 

Did I shop? Oh, I shopped, spending sixty-three bucks on two lipsticks and a Lip Kit. (It comes with a matching lip liner!) I wasn’t proud of myself. I would have been less embarrassed buying dinosaur porn. (Yes, that’s actually a thing. And now half of you will go look it up.)

I became obsessed with the website. I kept clicking on all the pretty pictures. I even watched a ten-minute video of Kylie putting on makeup, which was weirdly mesmerizing. She’s like an American geisha or something, which I hope isn’t insulting to geishas. Or America.
Okay, now to answer the billion-dollar question—because Kylie is like, the world’s youngest billionaire, thanks to people like me spending sixty-three dollars on three lipsticks –how’s her product?

It arrived in an unmarked box. (Which I assume would also be true of dinosaur porn.) And it arrived fast. I ordered on Thursday and had it by Saturday. The box sprang to life when you opened it, with a personal greeting from the gal herself. As to the lipsticks, on a scale of pouty lips, five being the highest, I grudgingly give Kylie three and a half—okay, maybe even four—pouty lips. 

She runs a crack operation, for sure. I loved the texture of the lipstick. The liquid matte lipsticks are so long-lasting I still had the sample swatch on the inside of my arm three days after applying it. (Which is kind of scary, to be honest. It’s more like lip glue than stick). None of the colors replaces the discontinued Nars, although that’s more my problem than Kylie’s. But there are no refunds or exchanges, and that’s a drag.

I’m giving the Khlo$ lipstick to Kristen because it looks better on her than me, and I sent the Nova to my daughter for the same reason. I’ll find a way to put the Ginger Lip Kit to use. But there’s still one question that needs to be answered. I bought Kylie’s lipstick - three of them to be exact. Now how do I get Kylie to buy a copy of MARDI GRAS MURDER?

This post is so timely!  Did you see the news this week that there's a shortage of TAB soda?  What product have you fallen in love with, only to have it disappear?  One lucky reader (in the U.S. only) will get a copy of MARDI GRAS MURDER!

Joan Emerson, you've won a copy of Michael Wiley's MONUMENT ROAD.  Please send your mailing address to ingrid@ingridthoft.com.

MARDI GRAS MURDER
It’s Mardi Gras season on the bayou, which means parades, pageantry, and gumbo galore. But when a flood upends life in the tiny town of Pelican, Louisiana―and deposits a body of a stranger behind the Crozat Plantation B&B―the celebration takes a decidedly dark turn. The citizens of Pelican are ready to Laissez les bon temps rouler―but there’s beaucoup bad blood on hand this Mardi Gras. 

USA Today bestselling author Ellen Byron is a television writer, playwright, and freelance journalist. Her TV credits include Wings, Still Standing, and Just Shoot Me, and her written work has appeared in Glamour, Redbook, and Seventeen, among others. She lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband, their daughter, and the family’s very spoiled rescue dog. A native New Yorker, Ellen still misses her hometown and still drives like a New York Cabbie. This is her third Cajun Country mystery.