For example, where do you go when you need a moment of privacy?
Think about it....
Turns out nearly half of Americans say that when they need a moment of privacy, they go sit in their cars.
Have you ever thrown away something belonging to someone you live with without disclosing it? Think about it...
Turns out 40% of your fellow Americans have.
Do you feel more at home somewhere OTHER THAN where you live?
Think about it...
Turns out 35% do.
I know for me, there's no place like home (we only have one). Really. It's where I sleep best, work best, am most relaxed... And we've only lived here for 45 years. What about you?
JENN McKINLAY: This is fascinating. I will have to go look at the whole quiz. For a moment of privacy, I hide in my laundry room, sometimes the bathroom, occasionally, the car.
I throw out other people's things on a daily basis. No, not kidding. I
live with three men who are incapable of sorting their possessions. The hoarder potential is great in my men. When I toss something and they ask for it six months later, I say, "Oh, it's in storage," which is code for I pitched it. As for where I feel most at home, I am at home just about anywhere. I can settle into our house, our summer house, a vacation rental, or a hotel pretty easily and sleep, eat, work, and relax just fine. I do miss my furry babies, however, so home is where the heart is.
LUCY BURDETTE: For privacy, I go to my room (to the
mattress!) and I read. It never occurred to me to retire to the car... Before throwing out, I ask. And advise:). There is no place to sleep or relax like home, though I wish I could be as flexible as Jenn! As for working, the one other place I'm most productive is on a plane. No internet, no phone, no tempting laundry or cooking...
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Huh. Lemme think. For a moment of privacy, I go to my writing study. Or outside, and take a walk. I have never ever sat in the car. I LOVE to be home-- deeply frighteningly LOVE to be home.
And yes, Lucy, the most productive place is on a plane. I love how much work I can done. And get Popcorners! And in hotel rooms I am dandy, cozy and happy, unless they are too bleak or too dark, in which case, seriously, I ask to be moved, because I can't handle that at all. The only place it is really almost impossible for me to feel at home is at someone else's house. No can do.
Thrown Jonathan's stuff away? Bwa ha ha. (evil laugh.) ALL the time. He insists on keeping ratty t-shirts--"they're fine!"--and I say no. Gone. Bad regular shirts? Here's my system: First, I move them out of his closet and into another closet, and see if he notices. Time passes. Not a word. If he has not missed them in a year? (or less...) Gone. He has NEVER noticed.
My other move is when he's reading a book he doesn't like. He insists on finishing every book he starts, which drives me nuts. So if he complains for three days or so that he hates a book--I simply disappear it. And when he asks where it is, I say: I gave it away. He never cares, and then he can read something he likes.
DEBORAH CROMBIE: I am shocked that so many people don't feel at home in their own homes! That's a fascinating study, Hallie. Although I'm very good at making myself feel at home in hotel rooms or rented flats, I love my house and I certainly feel comfortable in it. Too comfortable, I think sometimes. As for privacy, I go outside, or retreat to my upstairs study, or best of all, take a bath in the cozy little bathroom adjoining my study.
And, no, I do not throw things out without asking, not even ratty old t-shirts. I don't know if it's the result of being the eldest of five kids, or of being single for years before we were married, but my hubs is very possessive of his things. The consequences of treading on that delicate area are not worth the benefits. I do, like Lucy, sometimes ask and advise, but very carefully.
I cannot work on planes! This is a whole other post!
JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING; I love being at home so much I sometimes worry I'm at risk for developing agoraphobia. Except I also like being outside my home. I've never sat in the car for privacy - I wonder if that's the end game of all these "open concept plan" houses everyone says they want these days. My old house has
doors everywhere and I love it. I loved it when the kids were small and I could corral them in the playroom between the kitchen and dining room; I loved it when they were teens and I cold read peacefully in the living room while they blasted music and movies in the family room, and I love it now, because with several unused bedrooms, I can close doors and save on heating oil.Wait - what was the question? Throwing away stuff? Oh yeah. Ross was a mini-horder, and if I hadn't made things disappear, I'd have been buried under piles of detritus. Now I'm going through the Smithie's and the Sailor's former rooms. Am I making judgment calls about what to keep or throw. You bet I am.
RHYS BOWEN: I love both my homes, yet always look forward to going to the other one. I love watching TV in my bedroom. I work
in my office but if I need to think through a complicated plot point I drive around in my car and talk it out with myself. For privacy? I escape to my health club and sit in the sauna, or go for a walk in nature.Throwing John's things away? Occasionally.... He is an awful horder, keeps copies of every letter he has ever written, clothes that no longer fit him, but I usually respect his stuff. I'd hate for anyone to throw my thing away!
HALLIE: I confess, I'm quite militant about NOT throwing away other people's stuff. Maybe it's because when I was 18 my parents moved from California to NYC without any warning, and without moving any of my stuff. Plus my husband would be very upset with me. And he would notice. Even the holey T-shirts.
Even when I want to throw away something old like a toy or even a prom dress, I take a picture and text it my daughters before I toss it.
And for privacy? Like Debs, I take a bath. It's also the perfect place to take a think.
What about you?
This questionnaire has some very strange answers, Hallie . . . I can’t relate at all.
ReplyDeleteDorothy had it right . . . there’s no place like home as far as I’m concerned. I love our home.
And it would never occur to me to sit in my car for privacy. I don’t like driving and my car is absolutely the last place I’d ever choose for a hiding-out spot. If I need privacy, I curl up on the bed with my book . . . .
Throw out someone else’s stuff? No matter how much stuff is around, that’s something I’d never, ever do, not in a million years. I wouldn’t want someone to decide to toss out any of my things, so I could never do it to anyone else . . . .
I'll have to look at that survey. It sounds interesting. And, from a writer's point of view, knowing that a significant number of people do stuff I would never dream of is fun for building characters. Here in Texas, it's probably dangerous to go sit in the car during hot times of the year, although I do enjoy an old fashioned Sunday drive from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI love my house, although it frequently overwhelms me--there's so much to do to keep it even semi-respectable, and I feel like I have so little time there. I'll be honest: as much as I'd like to deal with all the boxes and clutter, when I get home from a 10-hour day at work and commuting, I don't want to dive into another exhausting task. But this is the place where I retreat to recover from whatever is dogging me. Since I live alone, privacy is no problem, if I don't count the dogs, who even follow me into the bathroom. There are plenty of doors here. We work it out.
But I can totally relate to throwing away someone else's stuff. Warren was a hoarder, flat out, full stop. From time to time I had to do something about the rising tide of paper around our house. I once took ten bags of trash out of a room I wanted for my sewing stuff, but he was using for storage. When he came home from work and saw all those trash bags on the front deck, he was appalled. I told him, if he could look around the store room and tell me what was missing, I'd dig it back out for him. He did, and couldn't, because the stuff I'd thrown away came from stacks of ancient magazines, hoards of old ads for products that looked interesting but he would never actually buy, and treasure troves of old bank statements and credit card bills.
Instead, he found himself strangely attracted to all the space I'd opened up. He promptly filled it with more junk. I never did reclaim that room for my sewing.
YOUR stuff-story is ripe for a murder plot... never mind what a significant number of people do with their stuff. In fact, it's the plot of my next book. Really. Only the character whose wife wants to murder him in my book collects things like the insides of a piano and broken church pews.
DeleteYes, Hallie, I identified strongly with your main character in the excerpt you posted here a while back. Pianos and church pews have a certain sculptural quality. Old computer magazines that are "good research material" even though they're years out of date, are really only good for making sure the body sinks.
DeleteSuch interesting questions - and revealing responses, Reds! I can barely throw out my own stuff, and the only stuff off his I toss are the endless charity beg letters. For privacy I can always go upstairs to my office and close the door (and the curtain on the window in the door if I'm serious). I also love being home, but the stark neatness of a hotel room or a retreat cottage with NONE of my stuff in it is a big draw. As is the cross-country flight alone for working!
ReplyDeleteBut in a hotel room, there's no laundry calling out to you from the basement...
DeleteAnother potential thread here... what DO you do on a cross country flight. I *intend* to work and never do if there are descent first-run movies to be seen.
DeleteI used to put on noise cancelling headphones and turn on my iPod, but then there were new phones and new computers and the iPod speaks to none of them. It has become an orphan time capsule of the music I used to listen to during a particular phase of my life. Now, on a plane, I can still listen to it, but only if I want to hear a lot of Dire Straits.
DeleteHappy at home? Always. It's a big old house, lot of doors, lots of rooms and plenty of privacy when needed. Throw out stuff? With elan! Julie is the hoarder, particularly of holey unworn for decades clothing. I have a big lidded trash can right next to the washer and dryer, and I happily fill it up with stuff. No one ever notices.
ReplyDeleteI do not, however, throw out what I know to be treasures, no matter how ratty. That would be cruel.
This is the year to clear out the basement and attic, both full of what I like to call "dead people's stuff." It is time, Julie, to get rid of your mother's clothing that we packed away when she went into the nursing home 16 years ago. And those oddments of Aunt 'Re's bits and bobs. Those covered racks of clothing we so carefully put in the attic the year we decided to have winter and summer closets. Out damn spot.
I say, if you NEED to store winter clothing in the summer, you have too many clothes.
DeleteTrue Hallie, although in my defense, this big old house has tiny closets, one to a bedroom whether needed or not. And back in the day I had fairly nice "work clothes," suits and silk shirts and the like. Now I have lots of comfy pants with elastic waists and tee shirts and sweaters.
DeleteIf Julie can't bear to toss her mother's clothes in the trash, and they're still in wearable condition, contact the theatre department of your local college. The costume department might want her mom's stuff, and your nice old suits, too.
DeleteTo each her own, Hallie :-)
DeleteWhen my kids were still at home I used my nightly bath for privacy, as well as for the only time and place I could meditate in peace. That was my cousin's idea. She had come thisclose to becoming a nun (before realizing she was a lesbian), and she was a very spiritual person who understood both living in a crowd (middle child in a small house, convent life), and the need for soul renewal.
ReplyDeleteBut I can remember a time when I lived in apartments, cheek by jowl with my neighbors. We all knew everything about each other (I could tell when Ruth downstairs started having a boyfriend stay over because he snored). And this post caused a vivid memory of having particularly frustrating phone conversation with my ex. In order to vent my rage I had to stay calm until I could get out to my car, with the windows rolled up.
Now I'm like Julia--my home is my sanctuary, and if friends didn't coax me out once in awhile I would hunker down and just stay here.
Yes, I throw Steve's stuff out all the time. Holey socks and t-shirts? Why does he "need" them? He's trying to be less of a hoarder these days, after realizing how much useless junk he accumulated over decades. Cleaning out his office/studio was a true revelation to him.
Here's another idea for a blog post: how much more emotional we are at younger ages than later. Steve and I talk about this all the time. I almost never need to vent real anger these days, or get weepy about small slights that would have had me in tears years ago.
Steve does not sound like a true hoarder at all. He sounds like a peach.
DeleteKaren, I hear you on how the emotions calm down as we go on through life. I've read that as we get older, women have less estrogen and men have less testosterone. That would explain why the drama dies down. And thank goodness for that!
DeleteHallie, you wouldn't say that if you were here. We have three properties, all with a house and garage, plus three barns at the farm. Every place is chockful of stuff we don't need, never did need, and will never need. Before we cleaned out the office, there were utility bills from the 1960's, for crud sakes, and Steve keeps every scrap of wood he finds. I can see his mind working as he eyes the scrap lumber from the housebuilding, and I cringe.
DeleteYes, Keziah, I think that's exactly it!
I've never heard that explanation Keziah, but it makes sense. Hmmm, Karen, that's a lot of stuff...
DeleteYou're telling me, Roberta!
DeleteVery interesting! Count me as one who loves her home and never wants to leave! I've always been a homebody even though I've lived in several different houses, so it isn't the building as much as the idea that it's my nest. I have all the privacy I could ever want now but when my kids were little I think I had to shut myself up in the bathroom. Not when they were very little of course because they always had to go in with me.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I too had disappeared stuff.
Judi, this made me remember my daughter wiggling her little fingers under the bathroom door!
DeleteMy house right now is full of people with my kids and grand kids staying over and I am holed up in my office, a tiny room which I realize is the ONLY room in the house with only MY stuff in it. And blessedly I am married to a man who'd never dream of throwing away my lovely stuff.
ReplyDeleteAs a therapist, I would love to ask follow-up questions of the people who took the survey. My guess is that some percentage of the people who don't feel at home in their homes would tell you it's because they have too much stuff and don't know what to do with it all, so they feel defeated just looking at it. MOST HELPFUL NON-FICTION BOOK EVER: The Magical Art of Tidying Up, by Marie Kondo. Her system changed my life, and I've continued to follow it ever since I read the book 4 years ago!
ReplyDeleteAnd my happy place is my little 110 s.f. office where I write my books!
I love her book, and I have it on my Kindle (so it doesn't take up space on my packed bookshelf.) I got as far as folding my socks... But I'm one of those people who have no trouble throwing ANYTHING away.
DeleteI hear you. But I like her quirky philosophy (perhaps taken from Shinto religion) that Things have their own spirit or purpose, and their purpose is to bring joy, so if the Thing no longer brings you joy, release it so it can bring joy to someone else. That works for me!
DeleteWhen our Atlanta house swarmed with three kids and their friends, I would drive my van down to the street and make my phone calls in peace. Now, as an empty nester, I have the luxury of spreading out all over the house. While tending to a relative in New Orleans recovering from surgery, I hunkered down at the kitchen or dining room table and did an amazing amount of writing. There's something about NOLA...
ReplyDeleteWow. Fascinating study. Hallie, I'm with you. I would never, ever thrown anyone else's stuff away (also after traumatic loss of important stuff like James Taylor's autograph which mysteriously "disappeared" due to parental interference...). I won't even throw the dregs of James's tea out without making sure he's done with it. He's the tosser (I always notice), I'm the keeper. For privacy, I retire to bed to read or go for a walk, and since I mainly write in restaurants and love hotels, I'm pretty good at being comfortable anywhere.
ReplyDeleteMy mother had yellow legal pads which she wrote on in shorthand. Wish I still had them so we could get them 'translated.' Because what kind of writer (which she was) leaves NOTHING personal written.
DeleteWhether it is true that home is where the heart is, I know for sure it is definitely the best place to be able to hide from the world when you need privacy.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, since I live by myself it is always private. I tend to get annoyed when I even have to answer the door. And it's where I can listen to my music and write my reviews without having to listen to whiny people who can't handle the music, yet expect me to listen to the stuff they like.
Since there is no one here but me for the last two years, I'm not throwing out stuff that belongs to other people. Of course, like Jenn's hooligans I seem to have a great potential for hoarding. I'm working on it though. I've scaled back heavily on my comic book collection for one thing. Also, I'm seriously considering scaling back my To Be Read stacks. It's really out of control and unless I win the Powerball and can retire to read books, I'm likely to never actually come close to catching up. Of course with my luck, I'd win, retire and then my life would turn similarly to one of Burgess Meredith's more noteworthy roles. (Bonus points to those who get the reference.)
And I really could use someone like Hank to get rid of books I don't like as I'm reading them. I'm reading a book that I'm supposed to review for Mystery Scene and I'm honestly kind of hating it. It's fricking boring the crap out of me. And yet I've been struggling through it because I want to finish it. But then there's the problem of trying to review it. I'd be better off stopping and just passing on the review. But being the completist, I soldier on. It's unlikely that I'm going to find someone to do that considering the last woman I asked out told me she was considering going to ministry school and thought I was Satan. (True story!)
I find it odd that Hank's Jonathan even owns ratty T-shirts. But I can commiserate with him about those shirts disappearing. My mother did that to me with my T-shirt for the heavy metal band Warlock, which was so ratty that I'm pretty sure it was being held together by a wing and a prayer. Then suddenly it was gone. 20 years later, I attended a concert by the group's lead singer and bought a 30th anniversary replica shirt for twice what the original one cost me. BECAUSE I HAD TO HAVE IT!
Going back to the privacy thing again, the home is where the world disappears. There are days when I don't even open the front door if I don't have to. If it wasn't for work and the various other things that get me to get cleaned up and dressed, I'd likely just stay home and vegetate as much as possible.
"Twilight Zone" for the win!
DeleteWhen I get trapped in a boring book, Jay, I flip to the last chapter, find out who did it, and let it go to the resale stack. I don't have time for that when there are many better books to read.
DeleteThere's nothing worse than having to read a book you don't like. Sympathies, Jay - and then because I'm a writer, if I'm reviewing it I feel a pang for the author. Writing honest-but-kind reviews is an art.
DeleteI guess I feel the need to finish it since it was a review copy. But gawd it is hard.
DeleteAnd Gigi, I have a resale pile and a donate to the library pile.
How terrible to have thrown away a treasured T-shirt! I would never do that… You all know I’m talking about plain white ordinary sleeveless T-shirts, falling apart and full of holes. I’m not going to throw away Jonathan’s Columbia marching band T-shirt from 1960, for gosh sake.
DeleteStock up on eyeglasses, Jay.
DeleteHank, okay I now understand what you meant by T-shirts.
DeletePat D, luckily I'm not yet in need of eyeglasses but I do know what you mean.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDuring a particularly trying period with two teenage boys, long midnight drives on my part were called for. I also have a comfy corner in my bedroom with my favorite chair, table, reading/sewing light--when I sometimes need to shut the world out. As for tossing stuff, I make the guys do it. Youngest nephew is not a hoarder, but, really, how many of these t-shirts do you actually wear? Space is limited, so a periodic overhaul of closets is necessary. And I admire those of you who can work on a plane--I've tried, but reading is my best in-flight activity.
ReplyDeleteMy best in-flight activity on a plane - looking out the window. When I'm not in a window seat I'm miserable.
DeleteWhat intriguing questions, horrifying (and thought provoking) answers from the Ikea survey, and wonderful answers from the JR crowd.
ReplyDeleteI live alone and I love love love my house. But I also love my partner's cottage in summer, because it fulfills many emotional needs as well.
Norman, my partner of many years, also lives alone, so I wouldn't dare throw out any of his massive collection of stuff. However, I can make strong suggestions. "Those socks have to go." And he does it, and expects Brownie points for it. Fair enough.
He accumulates a staggering amount of supplies, such as scrap lumber, metal accessories, bins of screws and nails etc. (Not MY basement, eh?) And he is justified, because when anyone asks, "Do you have an old X I can use?" he quite often has one to give them (or me). Furthermore, he has made many many things for other people, or himself, in his workshop, out of all that found stuff.
But Hallie and Gigi and others are right: all these revelations are perfect scraps for building a story. (Yes, I am a pack rat when it comes to ideas.)
Since it's just me here, every spot is my quiet spot. I can get comfortable in a hotel room, not a friend or relative's home. As for throwing away stuff - I'm quite good at that and then six months down the road, I say to myself, I thought I had one.
ReplyDeleteThis morning my daughter came down and asked Jerry to look for a few things for her at yard sales. He's thrilled, and usually comes up with them (come spring) after a Saturday or two.
ReplyDeleteI'm very "random" this morning which means unfocused so here's me on a slightly divergent path. The survey you referenced was funded by IKEA. Does this mean that in 2020 we will be able to go to IKEA and find things to make our "quiet time" in the family Volvo a more IKEA enhanced experience?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't doubt it for a minute.
DeleteAnd you never know… When I asked the darling grand kids what they wanted for holiday gifts, they said vintage T-shirts. Which I proceeded to look for on the Internet. And then I thought… Wait! If there’s anyone on the planet who has vintage T-shirts, it’s me!
ReplyDeleteI love home, and since there are only two of us, I don't need a designated spot to get some privacy. Clutter makes me nuts, but I never throw my hubby's stuff out without asking first. Sometimes he'll tell me it can go, and sometimes he'll tell me to decide, which I'm happy to do! I try to abide by the William Morris quote: "“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
ReplyDeleteAnd working on planes? Definitely not! Definitely a good topic for a future post!
Dibs on that topic:-)!!
DeleteIngrid, love the William Morris quote, too.
DeleteIngrid! Many years ago The Huntington Library in Arcadia, CA had an exhibition on the Craftsman movement. That quote by Morris was written in 3ft tall lettering on the entry wall. It has stayed with me and is my yardstick for so many things in my life. My home is not big but everything I look at in my little apartment is either useful or beautiful to me.
DeleteI love that quote too, Ingrid. It has been the inspiration for my move toward handmade stuff in many aspects of my daily life, from quilts and dishes to my sidelight window. Gottta support the artists who make the beautiful, useful things.
DeleteVery good point, Gigi! There wouldn't be beautiful things if there weren't talented people making them!
DeleteI’ve never been a homebody; home is the place where I sleep. As soon as possible every day, I leave the house. Before I retired, I planned what I would do in retirement so I wouldn’t be stuck at home. (I take four classes and I volunteer.) I’m convinced it’s genetic, as my mom and her sister and my grandfather all hated to be home, too!
ReplyDeleteSince it’s just me here, I have no need to escape from anyone for privacy. When I feel the need to think something through, I go for a walk.
I’m appalled at the thought of someone going through my things and tossing out items they think I can do without! Like Dru, I have thrown out items that I later realized I needed or missed. My retirement project, which I have barely begun (because it means staying home:-) is to reorganize and declutter. Then, IF ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, I will throw things out or bring them to Goodwill.
All this talk of getting rid of things reminds me that I need to get rid of my hunger right now!
DebRo
So, novelist brain at work, the first thing I thought about the survey was, "Why?" Why don't people feel at home in their homes? The second thing I thought was, "How sad." I've been a "homemaker" in the most literal sense since my first garage apartment in college. It doesn't necessarily take money or lots of space, in fact too much money and too much space can have just the opposite effect. It's the knack of making a place feel welcoming, comfortable, and individual. Where does this come from? Can it be taught? All questions to send back to Ikea! Thanks for the fun and thought provoking post, Hallie. And love your thought bubbles!
ReplyDeleteDeb, now you have me thinking... It could be that people don't feel 'at home' in their houses because of the other people who are there with them... or their neighbors who are always *fill in the blank* (screaming; watching; cooking stinky foods...) Definitely plot-worthy.
DeleteHow to answer these questions? I like our house; we've been in it 12 years now. But I am ready to move somewhere new. I want to pick out a place to live that will do for the rest of our lives. It will not hinge on a new job or family needs or anything but our wishes. What I fear is getting our house ready to sell. So much junk and stuff. Most of it my husband's. I can't pitch it out like I threaten to do. My parents pulled that stunt on me and I resented it very much. Our home is a 3 bedroom house; one for us, one for Frank's stuff, and a guestroom which my son has taken over while he's in school. I do not have my own room for an office or a hideout. That is one thing I will remedy in our next house. Guaranteed! Frank is always popping out to see someone or do something; I stay home quite happily and enjoy the peace and quiet.
ReplyDeleteLove to work on planes! Makes the flight go faster.
ReplyDeleteI'm in my childhood home and am very comfortable in it. Since I'm alone now, all the stuff is mine. If I have to move to a nursing home and redd through the stuff myself then I have too much. If I die at home and someone else has to deal with it, I have the right amount of stuff. My mother was a wonderful cook and baker and had many pots, pans, etc. I just used a bundt pan and found a springform one. A few years ago a friend told me to use a pastry cutter. I had to google the picture but I had it! So I hate to get rid of the cooking and baking stuff. I did get rid of my comic collection when I realized that I would never have time to reread all of them. I don't keep as many books for the same reason but I do want to read them all the first time.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely in the camp of just loving my house! First ever house I bought, just four years ago. A small, Arts and Crafts bungalow sort of thing. And the best part? All the rooms have DOORS! We moved from what I generally described as a "converted 18th century carriage house--all completely open plan with a bedroom loft and another for my office." The last few years we lived there I described it all too often as a D*mned BARN! ('scuse me for the language) As far as throwing away other people's things, never! This happened to me once too often as a kid and it was just awful.
ReplyDeleteLike a lot of others here, I am wondering about those folks who do not feel "at home" in their home. Although, I think some of you must be on to something about too much stuff. Hmmm. . .
When my children were small I would go into my closet to get away (it is a walk-in). Now I go into my home office. It's has all my books and the paintings of women I have collected over the years. Pure comfort. I frequently work out of town and I really miss my home when I am gone. I am usually gone anywhere from 3 months to 2 years. When I was on a 2 year stint, my husband had to drive 1200 miles to bring me my KitchenAid mixer and my food processor.
ReplyDelete