I found one explanation in USA Today in an article quoting biological anthropologist Helen Fisher.
"… a lot of men view smiling as subservient, weak and vulnerable. In fact, high-testosterone men do not smile much, and overall use less facial expression. So, telling a woman to smile might be pushing her back into a traditional stereotype."For the record, I hate it when a complete stranger tells me to smile. It makes me want to snarl.
And yet, and yet…
Lately I find myself going out of my way to smile. To be pleasant to strangers. To make eye contact. Especially with folks who look different (on any dimension) from me. Because being nice is contagious, and that’s a good thing. You don't even have to speak the same language to do it. It's a tiny effort to counteract the pervasive judgmental nastiness that seems to be thriving out there.
Just yesterday, a driver waved me in, in front of her (or him?) in the congested town square near my house. Lucky for whoever it was, the traffic started moving and I had to stifle the urge the leap from my car, dash back, and hug them.
Instead, I waved. And s/he WAVED BACK! OMG. It lifted my spirits. For the whole day. Plus all day I let other drivers cut in front of me with a wave and a smile.
Call me a good-two-shoes if you like, and please, don’t tell me to smile. Smile yourself. And be nice. Just because you can. And because it’s catching.
I leave you this Sunday with a photo of my granddaughter, taken a few years ago. Is that a million-dollar smile or what?
That’s definitely a million-dollar smile . . . and an adorable picture.
ReplyDeleteAnd I’m all for being nice. Imagine what it would be like if everyone decided to be nice, just because they could . . . .
Yes, just imagine...
DeleteLike you, I am trying to be kind and emphasize empathy rather than going about my day with a snarl and a shrug. Letting people in on the road is one good way, for sure. I also make a point of complimenting strangers--mostly women--on how nice they look: Great hair! Great shoes! You are beautiful. I only do that one when I won't come off as creepy.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite, though, is to catch someone's eye in a boring crowd situation--big meetings, dreadful last-minute holiday shopping or such--and smile. They always smile back, and we share a quiet moment when we both know we have been seen and understood. It's fun.
That connection with a stranger is special. And I'm a big chatter -- waiting at the fish counter, online to pay at Marshalls. It used to make my kids SOOOO embarrassed. I feel bad for people who are so buried in their smartphone that they don't interact with the real people around them. And THAT is a convo for another day.
DeleteThis morning I had to run down to Dallas to put a credit card on file for our conductor and guest artist, who are in town for the weekend. When I spoke to the hotel clerk about it on Friday, I'd been grumpy that a new hotel policy said I couldn't do this in advance, but would have to get up early on my half-day-off, drive 30 miles each way from home, to let them swipe my card on the day my guests checked in. But I was also aware that Tabbie, the clerk, did not make the stupid hotel policy. So I told her, if I got up early, I'd bring her a bagel. It was a blueberry bagel and she was delighted that I remembered my promise. It was a gesture of goodwill in light of the fact that one skewed policy neither of us set had forced both of us to do things twice. Her smile and laughter almost made the trip worth the trouble.
DeleteI love this! Thank you, Gigi, on behalf of the universe!!!!
DeleteOh, yes, smile! Smiling is one of the things that warms my Florida days — walking along, exchanging “good mornings,” “bon jours”, “como vies”, with the smile translating. From that grab bag of my memory these words of wisdom: “It takes 1 second to be kind, but 2 seconds to be mean.” Thank you, Hallie, for this morning’s kindness.
ReplyDeleteHave you noticed how different parts of the country have different ... I guess 'customs' is the word for it ... for how people do or don't greet strangers?
DeleteOh, yes. On my return to Connecticut, the “good morning” with smile is often returned with “weirdo old lady” looks or silence, eyes averted. Surely makes walking more “work” than fun. Also there are fewer walkers in Connecticut than here and a less diverse group making a difference in responses.
DeleteI think in really crowded places (like NYC) NOT making eye contact is a survival mechanism. There's just too many people.
DeleteThanks for the photo, Hallie. That is pure, exuberant joy! I too hate to be told to 'smile.' Now, if someone gives me a smile, without such a comment, they will get a genuine smile back and we will share a pleasant moment. Where I live was once mostly farming communities and there are still farms around. It's always nice when a farmer moves their equipment off the road enough for you to get by in your car--waves are exchanged by both parties involved. Then I'll do a good driving deed--and the 'niceness' gets paid forward.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to be nice - it can brighten up your day as well. I also like the wave and/or the nod that acknowledges in kind. And I love the smile on your grand-daughter.
ReplyDeleteDru Ann
You're reminding me... When we were traveling in Trinidad, our driver in a rural area knew virtually EVERY person we passed on the road (farmers, walkers, people waiting for a bus) and he'd toot-toot his horn in greeting. Here I don't think car horns CAN make that toot-toot/friendly sound. I've tried. It's always Fraaaammp.
DeleteWhat an adorable photo of your grandbaby Hallie!
ReplyDeleteI have a smiley resting face and I find that people are often nice to me, smiling when I pass them in the parking lot or whatever. At first I wonder why, then I realize it's probably because I was smiling. It makes me happy that someone smiled at me!
I try to sincerely compliment one person each day, even if it's a random stranger. You can see the person's eyes light up as they smile. It's a kind thing to do and it make both you feel good!
Oh Hallie did you hit on a pet peeve. In response I've asked men who said that how many men they ever said that to just to make them think. But I said it in a pleasant voice and smiled afterward . . . And kept on walking. Love the picture of your granddaughter, can't help but smile at that face.
ReplyDeleteAs, like, Cathy, I have a smiling resting face, so I don’t often get the “smile” comment from strangers. But, I have been known to respond to it: “Why? Am I on Candid Camera?” and keep walking. ;-) By the way, when I do get that comment, it seems to comes equally from men and women.
DeleteGreat photo! When we lived in Atlanta, we would smile and say hello to everyone we encountered. When my daughter attended college in DC, she noticed that no one said hello on the street. Cincinnati dog-walkers always say hello or try to wave as they haul their snarling beasts off the street.
ReplyDeleteDog walkers are a special breed. And my husband who's just a WALKER, says regular walkers greet each other, too.
DeleteMargaret, when I lived in DC, I remember my housemates talking about how no one smiled. We lived across the street from one of the Senate buildings, The next day I was walking to the Metro and I smiled at everyone. Several people who looked at me smiled after seeing me smile at them. And they were the worker bees in suits.
DeleteDiana
I do think having a man tell me to "smile" is up there with anyone telling me to "relax" in terms of wanting to brain them. Still, I'm with you, Hallie, in terms of having a real desire at the moment to find and create some civility and connection. I've been trying to smile at people on the street like I used to in my younger, less cynical days, and when someone smiles back, it's quite an extraordinary feeling.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful smile!
ReplyDeleteMy baby nephew reached the "true smile" phase a month or so ago. His smiles always make me smile.
Images of the meditating Buddha show him with a partial smile. Smiling releases endorphins and serotonin --our bio happy chemicals that trigger joy and relaxation. Intuitive known knowledge that could be reinforced today <smiling as I write while looking at your grand.
ReplyDeleteA man dictating that I 'smile' might result in the bared teeth maniacal grin; or the Elvis sneer.
Having worked retail for a long time prior to getting the non-retail job that I've had for 23 years, I despised people telling me to smile.
ReplyDeleteI'm a "get the transaction done as quickly and efficiently as possible and move on to the next one" kind of worker. I don't want to waste time by actively pretending as if a person is my greatest friend that I haven't seen in forever. And honestly, smiling does nothing to make sure that a transaction goes correctly.
Don't get me wrong, I smile when it is genuinely called for. I'm not an ogre. But forced smiling is just fake in my book and I'm not going to be that. I'd rather be naturally nice or naturally cranky.
Of course, Hallie's pic of her granddaughter is definitely a million dollar example of smiling.
In other news, thanks to Hank for the nice compliment on your Twitter feed. It caused a big (and genunine) smile.
Genuine, not genunine. ARGH.
DeleteWhat a great smile! I have many of my granddaughter smiling like they know the world is their oyster! For some reason there are no pictures of me as a little kid smiling. Did I not smile! I was very shy and didn't even want my picture taken but still, I must have smiled some times. I, too, try to smile at everyone I see - not a big grin - don't want them to think I am demented (best keep that to myself) just a nice pleasant smile. When I am taking my walk on the road (we don't have sidewalks) very often people will wave at me. I always wave back even if I don't know who it as. As my grandfather used to say "a friendly how do never hurt anybody!"
ReplyDeleteSo funny! My mother used to talk to everyone! Everyone! I would be dying.. I would say mom. MoMmmmmmmm. No one cares what you think! No one cares what you say! They just want to check the groceries, please stop talking. Now I do exactly the same thing. And I laugh every time. Flight attendants, bank tellers, anyone. It’s not like I have big conversations with them, just brief pleasantries. And it is pleasant!
ReplyDeleteAnd smiling at a stranger is so full of meaning these days. It’s more than smiling, because it’s… Not not smiling.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes and yes! I'm not by nature a "smiler" and I actively work at connecting when I'm out and about. You have described two of my favorite, the quiet connection in a crowd and the compliment a random stranger. (That one is the best!)
ReplyDeleteThe pic of granddaughter triggered a memory - just one word- "giggle juice". What a cutie.
But if someone says hey, smile young lady to me. I just punch them in the nose.
ReplyDeleteI'll bet you have a fast, hard jab, too, Hallie. ;-)
DeleteHank, I cannot believe that! I always see you smiling. Were they hitting on you?
DeleteDiana
I endeavor to be kind, polite and amusing with strangers. Thanking them if they hold the door. Or I hold the door. We've all been feeling bruised lately. But if a man tells me to smile, I tell him bluntly I wasn't brought into this world to decorate his.
ReplyDeleteThat is the most perfect reply "I wasn't brought into this world to decorate his"! May I steal this line? Smiling at such a wonderful response!
Delete-Melanie
A joyful smile! I was a little bit of a star in my hometown's annual parade yesterday and smiled and waved from the back of a convertible for an hour. SO many people smiled and waved at us - it felt so Californian (and not so much New Englandy...). I agree about smiling at those among us who might be getting nasty looks of late instead of a friendly greeting.
ReplyDeleteYour granddaughter's picture made me smile, so cute.
ReplyDeleteThere is a TV show here called Marina and her last words each day are: don't forget to smile to someone today. She knows that a smile given is often shared and can give joy and happiness . This comment I can accept.
In fact I try to smile to as many people as I can and to say hello and to be kind. You never know when it could make a difference to someone.
In November I stayed one week on Norfolk Island ( Australia) and when you rent a car there, they explain to you that every time you cross a vehicle, the driver will wave to you and will expect you to wave back. I waved a lot during this week.
Two things:
ReplyDeleteThing 1. Smile when answering the phone, particularly the business phone. It works to get things off on the right foot.
Thing 2. Years of sitting in report before starting a shift made me realize the importance of the "resting smile" per Cathy. All those sour old nurses sitting around with the corners turned down showed me how necessary it was to smile. I never wanted my face to freeze the way their's had.
However, I'm not a stand in the line talker like Hallie. About the only thing I do is tell someone how gorgeous her baby is. That elicits a smile ;)
Your granddaughter's picture made ME smile, Hallie!
ReplyDeleteOne of the first things we do with babies is to try to make them smile. Smiling, and a sense of humor, are signs of intelligence, after all. It's a good thing, and being pleasant to one another is, too. However, once we are old enough to choose our own amusements, we surely do not need to be ordered to smile.
My mother talks to everyone, and I always have, too. My kids used to writhe with embarrassment, but they now understand, I think. Human connections help grease all the wheels, and to make everyday life more bearable. We were in NYC, and talking to our lunch waiter scored us a specially made, off the menu treat for the table (a large egg cream to share, for those of you in the know), plus an extremely hard to get table that night for dinner at Carmen's. My daughters were impressed, at last! One of them married a guy who does the same thing. Jason is a schmoozer, and he talks to EVERYONE, and makes every single person he meets feel important.
I just got home last night from a long, long solo car trip. (I drove from Cincinnati to Charleston and back, Tuesday to Saturday). Observing other drivers, and how kind or rude they are to others, is one of my ways to stay engaged on the road. It never fails to amuse me to see tailgaters zoom around me (or other drivers), and then get stuck at lights ahead, over and over again.
Ann, I was taught to smile for sales calls, as well. I've actually seen salespeople with small mirrors in their cubicles, to remind them to do so.
So interesting, Ann... to smile when you talk to someone even if they can't see you. The smile gets INTO your voice. Smart.
ReplyDeleteI learned that trick as a radio announcer. Even if you're reading very boring copy, smiling in to the mic makes you sound better.
DeleteYes, my family business was sales, and one of the first things my dad taught me was to smile when you talk to people on the phone. It makes a huge difference.
DeleteHallie, that is an adorable photo of your grandchild. I cannot believe anyone would tell you to smile. You always look like you are smiling.
ReplyDeleteCannot help but wonder if the fellow telling you to smile thought it was a pick up line? In a book about how to pick up women for men, did the book give pick up lines like "Smile"? Otherwise, my logical mind is wondering why anyone would be told to smile.
When I was a kid, I remember another kid telling me that someone was not smiling, in other words, that the person was grumpy like one of the Seven Dwarves in Snow White. Usually it was in reference to a man!
Does this happen in certain parts of the country?
Diana
Am I the only one who reads this header as "in support of mice"?
ReplyDelete:::smile:::
Hallie, your grandbaby is adorable!! Don't you love it when they giggle? Makes you just want to smooch them!
ReplyDeleteI must have a resting smiley face because I don't remember ever having a stranger tell me to smile. Like Hallie, I am a chatter, as was my mother. "Never met a stranger," as they say. However, the last couple of years I find myself making an extra special effort to smile, to say please and thank you, to ask people how their day is going. It's contagious, and we need all the social oil on the waters we can get. And it makes me feel better, too.
My "resting" face is neutral. I smile at strangers when I'm walking the dog and say hello. Most respond in kind. The ones who ignore me are either on their phones or have earbuds in place, ignoring the world. Being told to smile hasn't happened in a long time. I think the circumstances would dictate how I would react now. Smile or scowl. I suppose it would depend on what vibes I get from who it is. It is so easy to be kind and hope people pass it on, whether it is driving friendly or opening doors for people.
ReplyDeleteI've had complete strangers tell me to smile. Yes, it didn't go over well with me, either.
ReplyDeleteHowever, being nice to others is something that is missing in our society on the whole. And I realize there are plenty of times I'm part of the problem.
First of all, yes Hallie, that is absolutely a million dollar smile! Thanks for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteI have the good fortune to be married to a very sunny, smiley guy, and over the years I have realized how much his sunny nature tends to make mundane transactions better for all involved. So I try to emulate him in such situations.
I also want to say that I agree with you, Hallie, that in the current state of the world especially, extra simple acts of kindness in the world carry more weight than ever. It just feels like everyone is so quick to take offense, find fault, and criticize. A simple act like waving in a car trying to merge really can change the whole trajectory of both your day and the recipient's. It just feels better to be nice!
I'm a chronic smiler. I smile at everyone - kids, old people, hot guys, you name it! I don't think anyone has ever told me to smile because I usually already am. The one thing that gets me is people who tell me to calm down. As Hub has learned in our marriage, I go volcanic when told to calm down.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember anyone telling me to smile but when I was still working and would get upset over something, a male co-worker used to say "Happy, Happy". I felt like bopping him but sometimes would say that to myself to cheer myself up. Smiling and being happy should come from yourself and not others. I do try to smile and be nice to people when I can.
ReplyDeleteThat's definitely a million-dollar smile. So adorable.
ReplyDelete