Thursday, January 2, 2020

Reflections before Resolutions: a guest post by Celia Wakefield


JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: New Year's mean resolutions. Since I've had great help with my goal-setting from Friend of the Reds Celia Wakefield, I asked her to share some techniques for discerning resolutions. "Not so fast!" she said (more or less.) Before setting goals, first you need to sit and think for a while...


New Years Resolutions



First, a happy, healthy and peaceful 2020. I am most grateful to Julia for inviting me to talk with this truly wonderful community and the talented authors whose imagination adds so much to our literary lives. No recipes today. as I am wearing a different hat;the one which won a copy of Hallie’s latest book ‘Careful What You Wish For”, all about the trials of Emily Harlow, Professional Organizer. Yes I was / am a P.O. So it is in the spirit of getting organized around new years resolutions that Julia invited me to offer some thoughts. You might say, “well why not a recipe?” Celia has good food ideas, but that is not what Julia wanted.



In the spirit of true confession I need to add that I no longer make New Years Resolutions. For several years Victor and I would meet with friends in Brooklyn, enjoy a NY Resolution brunch with great food, (there I go again) and lots of bubbles. Then we would settle to the important work of deciding what we had achieved since the last brunch and what we wanted for our futures. There were some high flying thoughts and many unacheived goals despite our efforts to live up to our picture of the perfect us.



I could offer tips and strategies such as SMART goal setting (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely). It’s really more suited for sales forces. But the conversation over brunch today with my daughter (ham, veggie and cheese frittata) gave me some thoughts to share. Olivia, with her consulting and corporate background, suggested she did not like the term ‘resolution’; it's too hard, with not much maneuverability. My daughter would prefer me to reflect.



REFLECTION: A quieter, calmer process with less of the naughty or nice attached to it. This, I believe, is achievable. Consider what did I do that was really successful, fun, different? What pitfalls would I like to avoid in the future including the ones that I accidentally fell into? Did I learn from these experiences? Then there’s space to cast forward. What must be done because - write reasons -. Once the ‘must’ has been cut down to size, there is room for dreams, new experiences and projects to try. Now this may sound a lot like the old resolution thing, but I invite you to consider the how. How can also be seen as time lost or wasted. This digital age has crept into our lives, stealing attention with memes, selling stuff at bargain prices; stating that we are no longer the boss of us. As my younger grandson stated at an early verbal age, “You are not the boss of me, granny”. I can think of several things that are bossing my time, and which I probably would never miss if I was honest with myself.



Now it may be that this seems harder that just tossing out a few ‘good’ resolutions, when asked by a friend but I believe that the end result may be far more satisfactory and hopefully add joy to our lives. However I must do my due diligence first. I went to Google and found just under 200.000.000 hits. How to choose? I couldn’t even use a pin, but I was intrigued by this, written last year in The McGill Tribune: “New Month, new me: Keeping New Years resolution's for February and beyond”. First, I love the cartoon and that is what caught my attention; secondly, Jason is a student and I find it helpful to read what people a lot younger than me are thinking; usually in a new and interesting way. Then I found this fascinating header in my email: “Where Are You Still Using Single-Ply?” “Oh”, I thought, “someone sent me some knitting help”, It turned out to be more interesting than knitting, which I am unlikely to be voted most expert, evah! So I am passing it on too.



But for an easy start, here’s my reflection recipe:



INGREDIENTS: Quiet time - alone. For us New Englanders that means no trying to write while watching the Pats edge their way to their XXXX Super Bowl.

Pen and paper; a tablet is allowed for dates or searches within reason. Don’t get distracted.




METHOD: Block out quiet time, sit comfortably with space to write. While the PC is the best invention to come into my left handed life, I find that lists and thoughts are best done by hand which engages a different area of the brain.


Don’t try to organize thoughts, jot them down as they flow. Reflection allows that changes are part of the process.


Don’t take too long unless you are really getting somewhere. If the muse won’t play the first time around, try later, but do give yourself a deadline to at least achieve some thoughts.



Let us know how it goes and along with that I would be happy to be in touch with anyone who wants to explore this further with me. Please email me at wakefieldpro at gmail dot com.


JULIA: Pen and paper out? Good. Tomorrow we have the marvelous J.P. Smith as our guest with his psychological thriller IF SHE WERE DEAD, and the day after that, Saturday, we're going to share our resolutions for 2020! In the meantime - do you like reflecting on yourself? Do you find it stimulating, thought-provoking, or scary? Do you have suggestions you can add to Celia's? Let us know in the comments.

51 comments:

  1. This is lovely and quite thought-provoking, Celia. I like the idea of reflecting on all of this, perhaps because I am woefully horrible at the whole New Year’s resolution thing . . . don’t like making them and find it just about impossible to keep them. So a gentle reflection feels more comfortable and a bit more doable.

    I’ve no particular suggestions to add to Celia’s; if I’m honest, I’d say reflecting on myself is both thought-provoking and a bit scary . . . .

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    1. Thank you Joan, I love finding you in 'first' place each morning on JRW. I agree self reflection can feel scary, but being past my three score and ten, I try to look at reflection as a way to feed my days.

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  2. Wonderful post and a refreshing way to look at the resolution dilemma. I set goals every year at New Year. Nothing massive, but small steps I can take each day and measure each month - ah, the SMART goal theory. Sometimes the most valuable information comes from looking at what didn't work, and why. Often it's because the unmet goal relates to something I think I should do, not something intrinsic to me.

    As for reflection, it's a very comfortable place for me, although sometimes scary. And when I am done, I feel as if I have spring-cleaned my brain! Refreshed, ready, and focused.

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    1. Thank you Kait, you have the right approach, small steps pay off. I love the spring clean concept. I shall try it. I certainly could use refresh, ready and focus.

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  3. This sounds like a peaceful approach to looking into change. Also - it's so true that using pen and paper produces quite different results than typing. Thanks for the reminder, Celia!

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    1. I'm glad you like it Edith, I always enjoy your comments. I really do live by typing; my handwriting has been my bane due to being left handed. However I've learned that I think better when writing.

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  4. "Stimulating, thought-provoking, or scary?" Yes, yes, and hell yes.

    I've been plotting out my plans and goals for 2020 for several months now, as the year ahead (for me) looks a lot different than the year we've just completed.

    I like the notepad and pen approach. You're so right. It uses a totally different part of the brain. The only thing I'd add to the list is the "sub-list." Breaking down the bigger items into smaller bits that need to be accomplished to reach the larger goal. Those smaller bits seem easier to tackle and less terrifying than the bigger ones.

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    1. Annette I am so impressed with your proactive approach. Congratulations. Finding the way that works for you is the key.

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    2. Annette, I didn't realize the pen and paper approach fires a different part of your brain than typing out the words, but having heard it, I now understand why all my noodling - preparation for writing a book - has to be done by pen on paper.

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  5. I don't know that I do all that much self-reflection. I'm too busy trying to make sure the stuff in front of me is taken care of, which is never easy.

    Would I benefit from self-reflection? Probably, particularly in the area of why it seems impossible for me to have an interest in someone that will actually return said interest. But honestly, who has the time?

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    1. Each to their own Jay. Maybe they would return said interest. Yes, so much does resolve around time. I've had to work hard to recognize my own procrastination around time.

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  6. Who has the time indeed, Jay. You'd think I would. Retired, no serious worries about money or health or much more than what to cook for dinner. Yet when I read that there's a Saturday deadline, I clenched. How can I find that time for reflection and get resolutions all written down by then? Today is shot as I need to go to the hospital where my neighbor is confined, sort things out and find out exactly what's going on. His wife has serious memory issues so is not a good reporter. And I think she may be coming down with a cold, so that means convincing her to stay home in bed. And give up what little control she has.

    Maybe my first resolution will be to lock myself in my room until spring!

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    1. Oh Ann, I do feel for you, but what a good neighbor you are. Sending healing thoughts for both your neighbors. Ah yes, a Saturday deadline looms. I think that's for the JRW contributors, and I'm sure they want us to join in so let's resolve to reflect.

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    2. Ann - there are NO expectation here! Well, except for the Reds, who will, in fact, have their resolutions up Saturday. Maybe your goal should be to simply read what others are resolving and let that stimulate your imagination. If there was a deadline on resolutions, gym membership offices and smoking cessation clinics wouldn't be open all year long. :-)

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  7. I set my writing goals and made a list of deadlines in December, before chaos descended (new puppy, partially house-broken and five kids for Christmas). January, February, and March are my most productive writing months (no yard work). Yesterday I added a new goal: Killer Nashville with critique sessions. The question of what to wear in Nashville in August will be at the back of my mind until TJMaxx receives its summer stock in March.

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    1. Margaret, I am very impressed by your discipline. I think you should contribute the New Years Resolutions post for 2021. Yes, TJX is my go to clothes place. Sending good shopping karma for Nashville.

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    2. That's an aspect of planning ahead I confess I haven't thought of yet - what clothing might I need for a special event or for a different season? Thanks, Margaret - that's a very interesting piece to add into the mix.

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    3. Last year, I assembled clothes for my daughter's "beach chic" Cape Cod wedding, including leather flipflops and a tight dress that wouldn't blow in the wind. Professional yet comfortable dresses and cardigans should be a breeze by comparison.

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  8. I'm not really a fan of resolutions, so reflection appeals to me. I haven't sat down and looked at 2020 yet, not really. I have some things that must be done in the writing sphere of my life, but I'm sure there is much more. Finding quiet time is always what trips me up - my house is too full of people right now.

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    1. Yes, I understand the 'too full of people' situation, much as they are loved. Do you have a quiet retreat ( local library?), to escape to.

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    2. Sympathies, Liz. Sometimes I feel as if I didn't have the time and space to think until a few of the kids cleared out for college.

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  9. I’m with you, Celia: reflecting is my thing, and I articulate the results in my annual vision board — images and words/letters cut out of magazines. In years past, the boards have been quite prescriptive, but in the past couple of years they’ve been more philosophical. For example, this year “seek pathways to doors that stand open for me”. (Enough with bashing down those locked firmly against my entry!)

    I’d add to the general discussion about resolutions that the simple term ‘goal’ or ‘plan’ might be more suitable than the heavy-hitting “resolution”, which carries such weighty import within it.

    Regardless of how we might approach the contemplation of this new year, enjoy the process of looking ahead and putting yourself clearly into the picture!!

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    1. Thank you Amanda. I'm fascinated now. I haven't worked with vision boards though I have done Mind Maps (Tony Buzan's invention). Yes to enjoying the process; positive is always best.

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    2. Amanda, this sounds like a prettier, more artistic way to discern a theme for the year to come, which I'm going to talk about Saturday!

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  10. I think this is great advice. Thanks, Celia.

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    1. Thank you Hallie, I love being an adjunct to JRW. Will you write another PO story with Emily?

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  11. Resolving to change on January 1st via resolution is a "should", and I have decided I really don't need any more shoulds in my life.

    I do reflect, but not necessarily at the end/beginning of a year. A long time ago I made a (handwritten) list of goals. They are kept in a drawer and periodically reviewed and updated. Some goals are achieved, some are let go as impractical, and new ones are added.

    Amanda, vision boards are amazingly powerful, aren't they? A friend encouraged me to make one about 25 years ago, and nearly every single vision represented on the board was realized, even the ones that seemed so "pie in the sky" at the time.

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    1. Karen: It’s true for me that some of the specific hard things I’ve incorporated into past vision boards have been realized. I keep the board hung by my desk, so it’s a consistent reminder for me. But I love your handwritten list kept in a drawer; that’s a powerful commitment to your evolving self over the years.

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    2. I agree with Amanda, that is a powerful commitment to yourself, Karen. Also recognizing that something which seemed important but is no longer helps to clear away our clutter. I learned that the sometime/maybe's on the list are just that; maybe's.

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    3. Amanda, my vision board was out of sight, which makes it even more miraculous, I think. It was as if the mere act of putting the idea into the universe made it happen.

      Celia, the clutter is important to trim. Are you familiar, as I suspect you are, with the tenet of feng shui about it? The idea that clearing the leaves out of the corners makes way for other, better things. I always feel better and more clearminded, when my life is better organized.

      And of course, writing things by hand, even with cramped writing, make them more real!

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  12. Thank you, Celia, for the perspective. I'm still trying to wrap myself around the new year. I also find that goal-setting works much better than resolutions, and that writing things down on paper activates the brain in a different way.

    And Amanda, thanks for the vision board suggestion--I haven't done one of those in years. Maybe it's time to resurrect the technique!

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  13. Karen I haven't thought about Feng Sui principles seriously for a while. Thank you for reminding me. I agree whole heartedly, Clearing clutter = Clear mind. Our town 'dump' has, what we call, the Limerick Mall. So if I'm just clear out small stuff which no longer has a place with us, it's an easy move.

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  14. Thanks to all here this morning both for the welcome and kind, useful comments. Answering has been a valued lesson on reflection. I do like a goal I can handle. The NYT challenge this morning was a lose the sugar 7 day program. Well I have started it and I'll update on Saturday. Oh dear, back to reading labels.

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    1. I saw the headline, but I haven't read the article yet. I'm afraid they'd disapprove of my three-teaspoons-of-sugar-per-cup-of-tea habit.

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  15. Celia, thank you for this great advice when the pressure of resolutions is high. I much prefer your method of reflection. However, I also am at a place that the Nike slogan, "Just do it," is my mantra for 2020. I won't dwell on what a soul sucking year 2019 was, but I survived it, and that deserves some reflection in itself. How did I survive it and what did I learn from it? That reflection has brought me to the "Just do it" mantra. Putting one foot in front of the other and living life by ordering your steps. Small steps, like cooking and spending time with family and friends and reading and reviewing. That has gotten me to 2020, where I am hoping to be ready for some of the bigger steps now, not them off any longer. Trips I want to take, healthy habits I want to establish, and family and friend visits I want to keep up (those that are out-of-town visits). I've learned through experience and reflection that putting things you want to do off until the time is right too often results in never getting to do them. So, I am taking a deep breath and hoping that my one foot after the other steps turn into a march this year. But, I still am a fan of your reflection before action, Celia.

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    1. Kathy, I love this! "Just Do It" - one step at a time. An excellent motto for us all.

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    2. The Just, Do It by Faith. Habakkuk 2:4

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    3. Kathy, thank you so much for your kind words. I agree with Julia, "Just Do It", is good to hang on to when all around is going crazy. I'm sorry you had a really sucky year, and hope that this one will be so much better all around so that you can march through your list successfully. Hang on to a sliver of time for your reflections and hopefully things will work for you.

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  16. Yes! On reflection first. I'm working on goal-setting, with a new notebook for a new year. I think and retain better with pen and paper. Also, I remember something I read several years ago: ask yourself "What's not working?" (Sorry, I don't remember the author.) I need to sort out some health issues, and how to finish unpacking our moving boxes once the house addition is finished, finally.

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    1. Cathy, "What's not working" is a great thing to remember and reflect on. It was asking myself what's not working that led me to ask Celia for organizational help in the first place!

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    2. Cathy, you're making a good start with writing stuff down. Stephan Covey, a time management guru from 30+ years back, wrote that the most important part was identifying the Important from the Urgent. While he was writing for corporate workers, sorting I from U works as well in daily life. If it's any comfort we still have one or two boxes awaiting decisions from our move here, 20 years ago. They are neither I nor U so there they sit. I plan to tackle them this year.

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  17. Rushing in...my mantra is going to be no more rushing. Thank you Celia. Trying to do with my brain what I just did to all oy old draft manuscripts--move out and make space. xx

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    1. We might need to dart you with tranquilizers a la Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom to stop you from rushing, Hank!

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    2. Hank, do I dare mention yoga or a little meditation as a way of slowing yourself or shall I just supply Julia with darts? I think you could use a data dump perhaps.

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  18. Shalom Reds and readers. I never had much success either in making resolutions or keeping them. I also had difficulties, not for lack of trying, to keeping a journal or a diary. I think focusing on the present was enough, that I didn’t have the energy for the future or the past.

    Although my parents cared for us deeply, they weren’t “helicopter parents” by any stretch of the imagination. If we weren’t in school or had unfinished homework, we generally were outside in good weather, running the streets with friends who all lived relatively close-by in “the projects”. If there were something that we wanted to do that required money, like taking music lessons or going to Hebrew school after school, all we had to do was ask them and most of the time it would happen. My parents weren’t affluent but most of our requests were moderate.

    One year, at Christmas, both my brother and I received chalkboards and cork bulletin boards to put on the walls of our hall outside the bedrooms. This was before we considered that perhaps inhaling all that chalk dust was probably not good for anyone. I don’t remember my folks spending much time monitoring what we posted, at least in our ear shot.

    What reminded me of this, was watching the TV series Brokenwood and Vera, and how the detectives, at least in England and New Zealand, use dry erase boards with magnets to post stuff, to keep a running log of the investigations.

    Now, mind you, I do keep a calendar for appointments which I keep on my computer which syncs with my phone. I also keep a calendar book into which I copy everything that is on the computer, just in case the “cloud” should be down. However, maybe, I could use a chalk or bulletin board or both, to reflect, ponder and resolve.

    My father, was wont to say, for reasons that were only plain to him, “The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on." I think he had memorized the entire Rubaiyat. Happy New Year all!

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    1. Shalom David, I love the glimpses into everyone's life. Personally, I think the most important tool is a calendar. Like you, mine is on my phone syncing to the Cloud with all my other toys and with Victor's phone too. Yes we do miss some things but it works really well and I am 'forced' to enter everything so that our life can run fairly smoothly. I encourage people to consider whether keeping daily information; calendar, shopping list, to does, reminders, in fact memory stuff is best on the phone or on paper. For me it's a mix. Calendar and reminders are on the phone. Lists are handwritten. Identifying what works for you is the first step.

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  19. Celia, thank you! I loved reading your thoughts and I am going to reflect back on what I read today during the year. Since I always break resolutions, I decided to stop making new year's resolutions. However, I say to myself that I would like to write more in 2020. I want to update my blog about books more frequently.

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    1. Dear Bibliophile, thank you. May I suggest that you put aside some small amount of time X times a week for your writing. Block this on your calendar and see f that helps.

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  21. Thanks for reminding me, Celia. Usually I do a visioning time to SEE what results I want during the year. "Results" is too corporate a term, though. How about "experiences?" I've been so wrapped up in my health situation,finishing my will, etc., that I haven't envisioned another year of life. Tonight! I'll be happy to take one year at a time!

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