LUCY BURDETTE: I've known and admired fellow psychologist Andrea Bonior since she was a Yale undergraduate peer counselor. It's been so gratifying to see her career blossom. She has a new book out, Detox Your Thoughts, that was launched in the midst of pandemic lockdown. That's terrible timing, but her subject matter definitely is good timing for us. Welcome Andrea!
ANDREA BONIOR: So many of us are so, so stressed. The past few months of life during the COVID-19 pandemic have seen disruptions we would have never imagined. Even if we have been spared the loss of a loved one, a lot of us are struggling with health fears, loneliness, economic worries, and just the surreal frustration of wondering if even the smallest, most mundane of activities are too dangerous—or if they’re even possible.
Now, we find ourselves in the midst of a new kind of disruption. This disruption, though, feels really different. The heartbreaking death of George Floyd at the hands of the police feels like a new kind of pain, a different kind of enemy. But it also brings a new energy. I have so much hope that the voices that are emerging now will be heard in ways we've never seen before. Unlike just trying to get past a global virus, I feel like the unrest right now has the power to collectively open our eyes to systemic injustices that have lasted far too long. It feels very much like a time to ask hard questions and truly listen to even more difficult answers. It’s a time to commit to using our discomfort for change. When I was first falling in love with psychology as an undergrad, I got to work on the development of the Implicit Association Task, the earliest formal study of implicit bias. It was a distressing but enlightening experience for me that really shook me out of my comfort zone, and I am still learning. And two decades later, I can’t tell you how inspired I am to hear even people I might never have guessed finally starting to think and talk about these issues—and to listen.
Having a book launch during all this, of course, is strange in its own right. “Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self-Talk For Good and Discover The Life You’ve Always Wanted” was released on May 5th—with bookstores not open for browsing, shipments delayed, libraries closed, and gatherings prohibited (there goes the book tour—or at least the events that involved real pants!) But it also was a unique opportunity to get people talking about mental health. Now, that opportunity continues, with a twist—to think about the times when we shouldn’t avoid discomfort. When we shouldn’t aim for calm. When our very distress actually teaches us something, and motivates us toward positive action. It’s a strange message from an author promising to help you find your calm, for sure. But it’s all part of the same lessons of the book: learning which thoughts to let become part of us, which thoughts to let pass, and how to begin doing that in order to live the lives that we want to.
That’s the heart of detoxing your thoughts: training yourself to observe your thoughts differently than you ever have before, gently and nonjudgmentally. Because it’s not negative thoughts alone that cause depression and anxiety. It’s when negative thoughts become sticky that we see depression and anxiety. It’s a fundamentally different way of looking at your thoughts than the typical self-help fare (which is usually more “Look on the bright side! Think positive! Build yourself up!”). But these newer techniques can finally help the worriers and the ruminators, the pessimists and the overthinkers disempower those voices enough to let go of them. Most exciting, it’s got quite a lot of research to back it all up, and I was also able to share real stories of how to use the techniques.
So, Detox Your Thoughts tackles all of it—the way we trap ourselves in our own heads, the reasons we get “mindfulness” wrong, the times we let our bodies work against us, and the lies we tell ourselves that harm our psyches on a daily basis. I was incredibly grateful that Lori Gottlieb, NY Times best-selling author of “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” called it a must-read that brought therapy to life on the page, and it got a high endorsement from the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dr. Steven C. Hayes.
If you’ve been feeling weighed down in some of the darkness of the past few months, I hope you’ll give it a look. And I hope we can all lean on each other.
My question for the community: what negative thoughts do you find hardest to get rid of?
Lucy here: And if you have specific questions about techniques that could help during these chaotic days, I'm sure Andrea will address them!
Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist on the faculty of Georgetown University, where she was recently awarded the national Excellence in Teaching Award (adjunct category), given by the teaching division of the American Psychological Association. For fifteen years, she was the voice behind “Baggage Check,” the mental health advice column and live chat for The Washington Post, and she’s a mental health contributor to various media outlets. A frequent speaker about emotional well-being and relationships, she lives outside of Washington DC with her husband, three children, and constantly jumping Black Lab(ish) dog, Buster.
Congratulations on your new book, Andrea. I’m giving some thought to the idea that discomfort can bring about something positive . . . .
ReplyDeleteI don’t have particularly negative thoughts about the past few months as much as I feel frustrated. It’s quite strange not to go to work [or anywhere else] and the decisions about which things can open and which cannot are simply exasperating.
And another frustration--people are so tired of being shut down that they are bursting out as though the virus has been eradicated. That worries me...
DeleteThank you, Joan! Ah, the frustration. I definitely see that (and feel it.) It can feel so strange and aggravating to be cooped up-- for our minds and our bodies! Sometimes physical movement in nature seems to help some, but of course it's not the same with the limitations. And Roberta, I agree-- and I do wonder what is to come.
DeleteCongratulations on this timely book, Andrea. I agree with your statement that "It's when negative thoughts become sticky that we see depression and anxiety".
ReplyDeleteBeing sick with COVID-19 for almost 2 months, the most negative thought I had was "I will never get better". The symptoms persisted well beyond the typical 2 weeks, waned and then came back in another form the following week. But after I got clearance in mid-May to go out, my anxiety level went down. Getting fresh air through daily exercise and interacting with people (in this new restricted way) was still a positive gain.
According to the government briefings, Ontario and Quebec still has over 90% of the new COVID-19 cases in Canada. So while, the rest of the country is lifting pandemic restrictions, we seem stuck in time. This is frustrating to many here in Ottawa since across the river in Quebec, more businesses and activities (schools) have reopened while we are in lockdown mode until June 30. But we grumble pretty quietly here, despite the fact we feel constrained.
Yesterday's peacefully Black Lives Matter rally in downtown Ottawa brought thousands of people together (although we are not supposed to have gatherings greater than 5 people socially distanced). It was a positive, uplifting event, so there is hope we can do better in Canada, too.
You've had a very tough spring Grace. I didn't know that the cases were clustered in Ontario...
DeleteBoth Ontario and Quebec are averaging 300-400 new cases per day while the rest of Canada has few new cases lately. The number of new cases in Ontario is gradually declining but not enough to lift the State of Emergency or go beyond Phase 1 of reopening. But we are not protesting the shutdown that much. They tried to organize a shutdown protest in Ottawa a few weeks ago...and 10 people showed up...TEN!
DeleteI am so sorry, Grace, that you went through COVID-19 itself-- but so glad that you are finally cleared and have beaten this thing. I know of so many people who had "mild" cases and yet they didn't fully heal for far longer than the timeline that always seemed to be publicized. Or people who had a much more roller coaster experience with healing and then relapsing. It really makes me feel like the "typical" case was misrepresented-- and it makes it far more likely for people in the throes of it to feel hopeless, like you describe, since their cases don't match up with what they were expecting and it can be so worrisome. But that's great that you were eventually able to get out again and were helped by physical movement and nature-- and social support. Three things that are HUGE in the research in terms of how they can help the brain cope with stress. (I hear you on the hot spot aspect, though. I live in a Maryland suburb of DC and while the governor makes proclamations to lift restrictions for the state as a whole, we are in a little excluded time warp since we look very different in terms of numbers of cases.)
DeleteThanks, Andrea. The doctors did their best in terms of advice but the atypical, prolonged mild COVID-19 cases were pretty rare at the time, so their recommendation to continue to self-isolate until the symptoms abated was problematic. Since I live alone, the isolation felt more absolute and my mental health was definitely affected. But once I was able to get outside and interact with others, I perked up pretty quickly. And keeping in touch with others like those here on JRW and Facebook helped. I found others who were going through the same prolonged COVID-19 diagnosis, so I felt not so alone in my journey to wellness.
DeleteGrace ... just reading what you wrote makes me feel there’s hope. I worry about the things over which I have no control - like will kids be able to go to school in September.
ReplyDeleteNegative thoughts? Where would you like me to begin? It's been a horrible winter with my neighbor dying, a ghastly spring with my dog dying, and over it all the pandemic with more than a hundred thousand people dying. Then we had yet another murder of a black man, killed for being black, no other reason, and I watched the video. Our police are filled with officers like this, many ex-military who were trained to kill. They need to be identified and culled from the herd, zero tolerance.
ReplyDeleteHow's that for a dose of negativity! What I am doing for myself is staying home and staying safe, walking my other little dog each morning, and stopping when I see a black man. A black woman or child would do, but so far I've only seen black men. I apologize for 400 years and ask what I can do, ask if they are safe and well, and offer to do anything they suggest save drag these old bones to a protest. They talk to me, through masks and at a safe distance. I think I am well received so far. When we part I again ask them to stay safe, and they tell me to avoid the protests, too dangerous for me.
Its all I can do, personally. I've sent my donations to appropriate places for years, not getting a very good return on investment. Now it is time for me to open communications, do a better job than I've done in the past.
And try to walk the walk every single day.
Ann, what a kind and thoughtful response to such a horrible situation.
DeleteI woke up this morning thinking of an old, old song, "Let There be Peace on Earth" (and Let it Begin With Me). You embody those lyrics, my dear. The longest journey begins with a single step.
Our hearts are with you Ann. And you've found such an amazing way to try to personally connect.
DeleteOh, Ann, you've had a lot of loss this year. My heart goes out to you. But I am also so inspired by how you are walking the walk, even literally! It seems like one of the best paths forward through our own pain is to realize how it connects us to everyone else's as well-- and it makes us care for them and want to do better.
DeleteCongratulations on Detox your Thoughts. Many years ago, I followed a self-development course including a lot of positivism and I'm curious to discover your newer techniques. I'm not a worrier or a ruminators but as everyone, I have fears and negative thoughts. Along the years, I discovered that take action is a way for me to go through difficulties.
ReplyDeleteFor exemple, living alone, when I retired, I feared that if I fell or became ill without being able to ask help, I would waste away because no one would know. So , I arranged with my daughter ( who lives a 40 minutes drive from home) that I would text every morning . This way she would know I was OK and if I didn't text, she could verify why. As a bonus, she text me back and it gives me a daily contact with her.
Great solution Danielle. I would find living alone quite trying...
DeleteIt sounds like you found a good solution, Danielle. And yes, it's that added bonus of daily contact and what it does for you emotionally (even beyond the logistics of the check-in!) that seems so important!
DeleteAs for the positivism versus the new techniques, I'll try not to blather for hours here but it really is quite something. Old-school self-help, and even some old-school types of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, focus on challenging your negative thoughts with whatever cheerleading or evidence you can find, inserting a positive thought instead (or just trying to banish the negative thought altogether.) But what we have learned over the years in the data is that although this can be helpful on a surface level for some folks, for most folks it doesn't work, for a couple of reasons. One is that when we fight a thought, we are still expending mental energy, so it is still taking up space. And also, we are empowering that thought-- because by getting into a fight with it, we're telling ourselves that it deserves to be paid attention to, and so then it gets scarier. And also, what if the thought DOES have some truth to it? Then we've made ourselves even more hopeless about feeling better, because we've told ourselves that the only way to feel better is to pretend like it's not true. (There's also this quirk in our brains-- again, I could talk about this for days-- that says when we try NOT to think something, we think it. There are a lot of cognitive reasons for this, but suffice it to say-- if I tell you not to think of an elephant in a pink bikini, no matter what, absolutely DO NOT think of that-- well, you are pretty likely to picture it!) So the new techniques involve accepting the PRESENCE of the thoughts without actually accepting them as part of you, or as automatic truth. You distance yourself from them that way. One simple technique you can try right away is to label your thoughts as you would if you were a narrator, or just a gentle observer. "I'm having the thought that today won't get better" rather than "Today won't get better." Some people even narrate in the third person ("Andrea is having the thought that she screwed up that speech and now won't ever get hired again.") It's the most preliminary step toward starting to view your thoughts in a different way-- which in turn leads to being able to learn to help them pass more quickly when they're not serving you. It's exciting stuff going on in the field that really seems to be helping with ruminators in particular! Hope you'll look more into it, And thanks for the comment!
Community means so much right now, including this one.
ReplyDeleteAndrea, it seems to me there's a sort of switch in our brains, and once we flip it to stop tearing ourselves down it takes a lot to switch it back. I hope your book helps millions to do that. If everyone could, what a different world we would have.
Karen, I used the same "switch" analogy. It's true though. It's like a haiku, a moment of "Ah-ness."
DeleteSo true, Karen-- our brains really do respond to habit. Once a pathway is set, it is so easy to keep going on it, and much harder to step out of it. But the flip side is the good news-- due to neuroplasticity, we can grow new pathways as well. And the inertia of the negative patterns can give way instead to momentum for positive new patterns. The trick is getting over the hump of making that change in the first place, of course!
DeleteAndrea, welcome to JRW. The topic of your book is fascinating to me. I do believe that most people can help themselves to healthier thoughts if given the right "formula." My own experience with an excellent "shrink" changed my life forever for better and I am always grateful that he was the one I went to see.
ReplyDeleteYears later, I met him by chance in an elevator. Are you Dr B. R." I asked? "Yes." He didn't remember me, possibly at all.
"You changed my life," I said. "How?" He wanted to know what the formula was. So, I told him what he'd said that turned the lightbulb on in my brain. I know that it is not always easy to flip that switch. But if one person finds his or her formula to 'flip it' because of the book you wrote, then you have performed a miracle, because my life is totally different now.
Such an interesting story Judy. Of course I wasn't a fly on the wall, but I suspect you'd done a lot of work with Dr. B to make it possible for the switch to flip
DeleteYes Roberta, I sat on his couch for months crying and kvetching before he offered me that kernel of wisdom. Subtlety did not work. Honestly, if he'd never come right out with it, I think I'd still be a lonely basket case.
DeleteWow, Judy! It is always so meaningful for us psychologists to hear stories like that. But I couldn't agree more with Roberta-- you paved the way for that change to happen. I am so hopeful that my book will reach people who are truly ready for change as well.
DeleteOn Tuesday afternoon, woozy and brain-fogged, my husband drove me down the interstate to the COVID testing tent at UCincinnati. It was a drive we'd taken many times, to the UC campus and zoo. I focused on my memories of wonderful performances and exciting FCC games instead of the what-ifs. I was sicker than I'd ever been. My doctor was baffled--the only social interaction I'd had since March 11th was an emergency dental appointment. We'd eaten no restaurant meals, either in-house or take-out. How had the virus slipped into our home?
ReplyDeleteI was negative for all tests, my fever subsided, and I'm thankful to be alive. As long as it takes, I will wait at home for the world to be safe again.
that is very scary. We're glad you're feeling better!
DeleteSo, so scary. Ironically, a family member of mine recently went through almost that exact same scenario. So relieved for you-- and it's lovely that you're able to turn it into an increased dose of gratitude!
DeleteOh, Margaret, I am so sorry you were so afraid and had to go through that--although of course it was the right thing to do.. Look up on google "symptoms of stress." I did that, and I laughed and laughed. I had ALL of them. it doesn't make it less scary...but it is a bit of equilibrium.
DeleteSo scary Margaret - and so glad it has a happy ending
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ReplyDeleteThis is SUCH a timely book, Andrea. I love the idea of looking at your thoughts without shame or judgment or instantly springing into action. I've been watching videos by Dominic Quin-Harkin (Rhys's son) who is a life coach, and one of the things he talks about it being aware of what you're thinking and how you're phrasing things to yourself. I've been finding it really helps lower my anxiety professionally ("Oh my God, I have to get this novel written" vs. "I have to write 1,000 words today") and personally ("The world is on fire!!!" vs. "My family and friends are okay. What can I do to help others?")
ReplyDeleteEven though I'm just dabbling in identifying my thoughts, it's been amazing to notice how often I return to the same old ruts time and again.
Julia, well said! I agree that it's a timely book.
DeleteDiana
Yes. Those rituals can be well-worn! But you're so right-- the more that we observe our thoughts and actually listen to the way that we frame things to ourselves, the more we can recognize the blind spots we have or the traps we're falling into. Thanks for the kind words!
DeleteHi Andrea, welcome to Jungle Reds and this post was timely! I have been thinking about #blacklivesmatter all week. Thank you for sharing your words.
ReplyDeleteWhat do we do with our negative thoughts? I remember when I was a teenager, whenever I had negative thoughts, I had this image in my mind of putting all of the negative thoughts in a garbage bin and throw away these negative thoughts. I work very hard to focus on positive thoughts. Now when I do have negative thoughts, I ask myself if it is a warning (if it's a bad dream) or are the negative thoughts coming from somewhere? I try to see where the negative thoughts are coming from. Is it coming from things that bother me or is it coming from my moral compass? code?
Diana
The visuals can be so helpful! Garbage bins, down the drain, flying away.... I've seen a wide variety that can be effective. So glad that that helps you!
DeleteOh, I am SO behind! And there you have it..
ReplyDeletebut I read your post with much delight. Perfect timing. My way of handling it: I think--okay, is whatever I am worrying about going to happen RIGHT NOW? No. Okay, then, let me check in next Tuesday and see if I am still worried. SO I make an appointment to worry, later, and then I tuck it away. And then...I just take everything one step at a time.
I love this approach. A client of mine uses it with the idea of making sure she takes the correct "portion size" for her worry. If something deserves just one day of worry, then, she blocks that off on her mental schedule and then she uses that to help keep herself in check a week before she "needs" to actually worry about it. She reminds herself that if she starts worrying a week before, she's taken too large a portion size. It sounds silly but it really does help her. (And a lot of our grandmothers summed this up with the idea of "don't borrow trouble!")
ReplyDelete