Dangerous in the kitchen: Debra H. Goldstein

 HALLIE EPHRON: She's a judge who's hilariously funny. She writes cozy culinary mysteries but she's dangerous in the kitchen. She's the smart, award-winning author of the Sarah Blair mysteries ("Sarah, like me, is a cook of convenience who might be scorched if she gets too close to a kitchen.")

Today we are happily welcoming Debra H. Goldstein, sharing her love-hate relationship with the kitchen.

And by the way, her newest -- FOUR CUTS TOO MANY -- has just been published and she's giving away a copy to one lucky commenter.

DEBRA H. GOLDSTEIN: Before I was married almost thirty-eight years ago, my friends gave me a kitchen shower during which, because I hated the kitchen and cooking, they challenged me to identify what was in each of the gift boxes. Everyone got a good laugh when I pulled out a beautifully matched set of paper plates and napkins and someone quipped, “Oh look, she got her good china.” They were equally amused when I recognized the plastic box with the funny lid that could be rested on the counter upside down was a recipe box. It wasn’t that I’d known what the top of the box was for, but because there was a recipe card stuck in it reading: “Make Reservations.”

For thirty-six years, I adhered to that modus operandi. I even created a fictional character, Sarah Blair, who finds being in the kitchen more frightening than murder. Her specialty, like mine, is take-out or dishes made with prepared ingredients. Some of our best recipes are for Spinach Pie made with Stouffer’s spinach souffle, Jell-O in a Can, and stewed tomatoes that are simply heated canned peeled tomatoes.

Then, the pandemic hit. Although Sarah has continued making amusing recipes, I was forced to find my way to the kitchen at least three times a day. Pity my poor husband. In the past year, I have cooked us more meals than I prepared during the prior thirty-six years combined. There is no question that Joel eats at his own risk.

Rather than sharing another recipe with you today, I thought I would impart three important things I have learned this year:

1) If when you are trying to automatically clean your oven, you hear a pop and the digital timer on your stove changes from the time to reading F8, you have blown the computer brain. This can take up to two weeks for the replacement part to arrive and be installed.

2) F2 is the message your stove will send you when the oven catches fire. The flames will be bright enough that you won’t have to put the oven light on to see them. It is important that you are careful when putting out the fire. After the fact, when you’ve opened all the doors, turned on the fans, and the fire alarms in your house stop ringing, be aware that there may be soot not only in the stove, but because you turned on the fan to clear the air a bit, soot may migrate to the windowsill on the far side of the room from where the stove is located.

3) If the recipe calls for using a non-stick frying pan and a tsp of olive oil, make sure you use a tsp instead of a tbsp to measure the oil. More importantly, as you heat the oil, don’t add a drop more because you are afraid the pan doesn’t look sufficiently coated to prevent the protein you put in from sticking. Failing to follow the recipe as dictated will result in hot oil spattering on the stove top, counters, floor, and exhaust fan. The resultant mess takes longer to clean than sautéing the protein.

HALLIE: For a chance to win a copy of Four Cuts Too Many, do you have any similar kitchen tips or horror stories to share with Sarah and me? (I could write a treatise on the difference between a pint and a half-pint of cream: it's the difference between cheese pie and cheese soup.)

FOUR CUTS TOO MANY: Sarah Blair gets an education in slicing and dicing when someone in her friend’s culinary school serves up a main corpse in Wheaton, Alabama . . .

Between working as a law firm receptionist, reluctantly pitching in as co-owner of her twin sister’s restaurant, and caretaking for her regal Siamese RahRah and rescue dog Fluffy, Sarah has no time to enjoy life’s finer things. Divorced and sort-of dating, she’s considering going back to school. But as a somewhat competent sleuth, Sarah’s more suited for criminal justice than learning how many ways she can burn a meal.

Although she wouldn’t mind learning some knife skills from her sous chef, Grace Winston. An adjunct instructor who teaches cutlery expertise in cooking college, Grace is considering accepting an executive chef’s position offered by Jane Clark, Sarah’s business rival—and her late ex-husband’s lover. But Grace’s future lands in hot water when the school’s director is found dead with one of her knives in his back. To clear her friend’s name, there’s no time to mince words. Sarah must sharpen her own skills at uncovering an elusive killer . . .

Judge Debra H. Goldstein writes Kensington’s Sarah Blair mystery series (Four Cuts Too Many, Three Treats Too Many, Two Bites Too Many, One Taste Too Many). She also authored Should Have Played Poker and IPPY Award winning Maze in Blue. Her short stories and novels have been named as Agatha, Anthony, Derringer, and Silver Falchion finalists. Debra serves on the national board of Mystery Writers of America and is president of SEMWA. She previously was on Sisters in Crime’s national board and president of SinC’s Guppy Chapter.