The Saints We Need For Now

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Happy Monday, Happy beginning of November, Happy “can no longer deny we’re staring down the barrel of the onrushing, uncertain holiday season.”

Don’t worry, we’re not going to go down that road. I love November 1st for another reason - it’s the Feast of All Saint’s, historically one of the most important days in the church calendar. It’s the day All Hallow’s Eve is named after, the day set aside to commemorate all saints; those known and unknown. In the Catholic and Anglican tradition, we pray to saints not, as is sometimes misconstrued, so they can grant wishes, but so they will turn around and talk to the Big Guy on our behalf - in the same way you might ask your friend, “Pray for me,” when you’re heading off to the first appointment with a new and untested hairstylist.

Saints, of course, are specialists. Writers can pray to St. Teresa of Avila, waiters to St. Zita. (St. Teresa of Avila is also good for headache sufferers, which may say something about our profession.) Grandmothers can pray to St. Anne, and unmarried women hoping to eventually provide grandchildren can appeal to St. Nicholas (yes, that St. Nicholas. He apparently can help bring husbands along with presents. Also sailors. And prostitutes. St. Nick, as we already know, gets around.)

In fact, special needs change, and some poor saints are harassed as patrons of ten or fifteen or twenty professions, problems, cities and countries. And let’s face it, how much time are the saints spending these days on candle makers, chimney sweeps and cobblers? What we need are some new saints, to spread the work around and to help us with the issues of 21st century life. Here are some I propose:

Worried about being stuck for the whole weekend at the cabin with something that tastes like grape juice laced with sterno? Apply to  St. Vinumarca, the patron saint of picking out a decent boxed wine.

Stuck on hold for fifteen minutes, waiting to deal with an issue in your cable bill? Afraid you’re going to be handed off to two additional agents and then a “specialist?” Pray to St. #$%&*, patron saint of good and helpful customer representatives. (You can never quite hear St. #$%%*’s name. Is it Kiara? Laura? Carla?)

Want to complain about bad service, but you’re too shy and introverted to speak up? St. Karen of Scarsdale will have you demanding to Talk To The Manager in no time.

 

 

Nervous about the trials of flying today, what with crazies punching out flight attendants, couples bringing complete seafood dinners aboard, and travelers deciding to take off their shoes and socks and prop their grungy feet right next to your attache? Invoke St. Nancy of Walnut Creek.  In 1984 Nancy was returning from a vacation in France when her flight was rerouted to Midway, where she was stuck for 18 hours while the gate staff promised every two hours that the flight would leave momentarily. She had nothing to read and that terminal’s Waldenbooks was closed for renovation. When she finally got on her flight to San Francisco, she was seated between two very large men, and served the only meal available: a highly spiced curry made with an unidentifiable meat. Upon arriving at Oakland International, she found her suitcases had been sent to Houston Intercontinental. Yet throughout it all, Nancy remained pleasant, cheerful and polite to airport personnel, cabin crew and passengers alike. For this, she was quickly beatified, and early adherents praying for her help reported getting extra snacks, aisle seats, and the miraculous removal of crying babies to the very back of the plane. 

Reds, who are the modern patron saints we need today?

HALLIE EPHRON: During this week’s nor’easter storm, half of a giant maple tree came down on my garage. I propose St. Arbores, patron saint of the brave, indefatigable guys who march into chaos with their buzz saws and massive wood shredder and, thanks to St. A, depart an hour later with their body parts intact and splinter-free. Moving on to the next frantic homeowner. And then on to the next

 

RHYS BOWEN: I’m praying to St Sensibilita, patron of normal, moderate, sensible people who would like their country to be run smoothly by other normal sensible people. Her emblem is a fire breathing dragon, destroyer of crazy extremes!

 

JENN McKINLAY: Since Hallie and Rhys have the big stuff covered, I’ll go for the more personal to me prayer request because while it’s nice to have a patron saint for writers, I really just need one to provide a constant stream of deadline support through decadently frosted baked goods, specifically cake. Instead of casting my bread upon the water, I’d happily cast some cupcakes and, yes, of course, I’ll share. So, it’s Saint Ganache or Saint Buttercreamula to the rescue.

 

LUCY BURDETTE: I love this post! I was going to propose St. Patience, since we’ve all called on her the last two years. We are on the road this week and could definitely use St. Sensibilita, who might also if she has extra time, zap those crazies who are weaving in and out of all the cars and trucks at 80+ miles an hour?

 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I would propose St. Motivatianna,to whom, on the days when it just seems a little bit difficult to get started, we murmur a silent invocation, and poof, we are ready to go and get back to work! We could also use Saint Imageienne, to whom we pray for good ideas.

 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: From the depths of deadline hell, I propose St. Morpagia, because who doesn't need a little help turning out those ten (or is it twenty?) pages a day?

JULIA: How about you, dear readers? Who would you elect for the modern book of saints?