Thirty Five Ways to Insult an Author

RHYS BOWEN:

I got an email this week from someone who began: Congratulations, we understand you’re a published author! I wanted to connect with you to find out if you are interested in increasing your book sales by producing an audiobook edition.

Okay, Mister who shall be nameless…. If you checked me out on my website or on Amazon or even on Audible, you would find that not only are ALL my books available in audio version, but they sit atop the bestseller list.  I wrote a civil letter back telling him he should do his homework before he contacts an author.

But really!!!!

I regularly get letters like this. Or ones that say “We can increase your visibility by putting your book cover on our social media.” Right. Let me think. You have ten thousand followers and I have 138,000 on Bookbub. And how can you help me again?

 I don’t ever reply “I wouldn’t give my book to you if you were the last human being on Earth” but it’s one more small annoyance that authors have to deal with. Why don’t people just do their homework first. I’m reminded of a Steven King tweet about the pandemic, mentioning his book The Stand, and someone replied “And what would you know about it?” Duh.

Here are some others:  I get blurb requests almost every day. Authors I don’t know, have never heard of, most self-published. Do they not realize that authors have work? That we get blurb request from our publishers, friends and agents and have no more time, even if we wanted to take the risk of being sued, which has happened to me before. Now I never blurb a self-published. Too risky.

Bad reviews on Amazon. I try not to read reviews any more and of course not every reader will enjoy my book. But getting a review for In Farleigh Field once that said I knew nothing about the British aristocracy or how they speak (when I am married to one and spent a good portion of my life with his family in large country houses) did get my dander up. John was so incensed he wanted to hunt the person down and give them a piece of his mind!

And reviews that complain my books take place in WW2 but have no battle scenes and explosions.

Hank mentioned this a few weeks ago and it also happens to me (and I expect the rest of us too!) Patronizing people: you meet at an event or party and they say “Oh, you’re a writer. Should I have heard of you?”  or “I’ve been meaning to write a book someday, when I get the time.”  Or “You write mysteries. Do you ever intend to write a real novel?” Or…”Mysteries? I only read literary novels.”

I do have an answer to the first of these. “Should I have heard of you?”  ME: Only if you read books.

Equally patronizing reviews:  The prolific Bowen. Yes. I write a lot of books but prolific seems to imply that I churn them out, production line style, doesn’t it? Again I’d like the right to rebuttal.

ME: At least one of those books I churn out is nominated for an award every year. This year it’s the Edgar. Does that tell you something?

I don’t know of other professions where people seem to think they have the right to put-down, make comments. Can you imagine me at a cocktail party. “Oh, you’re a brain surgeon. I’ve always thought I might like to try a bit of brain surgery one day, if I get the time.”

So Reds it’s your turn. What are the things that have annoyed you the most?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I am laughing so hard! The reviewer who said “Ryan clearly has no idea what a reporter does.” Um, yes, I kind of do, after being one for 43 years. But really? It’s the people who say: “Wow, you’re really churning/banging/pumping them out.”    Ah. That is NOT what is happening, not in ANY way. I could only wish.

I just read a quote from Francine Prose who said, when asked “what’s your process?” says she feels like saying “My process is allowing my soul to leave my body and enter into the body of another human being. So try that!”’

HALLIE EPHRON: I’m still annoyed at the reviewer who complained that my book had chickadees in New England in the fall… which we do. And cardinals and robins and blue jays and all too many Canada geese. That’s when I decided to stop reading reviews. Because seriously, you can poison your mood and output by perseverating on that kind of idiocy.

I have had the great good fortune of working with *so many* aspiring writers, people who’ve reached retirement, giving that book they’ve always want to write a shot, and quickly realizing what a steep climb it is from adequate to excellent. I know all too well how good I have it with my own modest success. 

JENN McKINLAY: When my first mystery came out and someone said they gave it to their seven-year-old to read (a murder mystery, mind you) because it was “so cute with cupcakes and all”, I decided never to read any reviews again since it felt like my own IQ got lower after that. My agent sends me the professional trade ones of note and that’s enough. 

I can’t really think of any slights I’ve suffered as a writer in person, but I’m also fairly obtuse with a hide like a rhinoceros, so it’s rather difficult to hurt my feelings. I’m always just grateful to be in the game - for the good, the bad, and the weird. LOL.

LUCY BURDETTE: Rhys, those social media/review site requests for $$ I completely ignore. I can’t believe they’ve taken the time to research who they are contacting, so why give them one minute of thought?

But my more recent beef on Net Galley and other advance review sites goes something like this: I don’t read cozy mysteries, but I liked the cover so I requested the book. And then detail all the things the person doesn’t like that are landmarks of cozies. Or, I didn’t realize this was #12 in a series and I don’t like series or I don’t understand the character or, or, or… Please please do a little bit of research before you ask for a book you know in advance you won’t like!

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Oh, Rhys, you're too diligent. I give those emails about as much attention as I give to the phone callers trying to sell me a warranty for my fourteen-year-old car. 

As for the insults, I know there are people who are not going to like my books. I have had some readers tell me, in very personal terms, just how much they didn't like my books or my characters! Ouch. As if I'd rewrite an already published book, or–well, I'm never quite sure what the point is of the nasty letters and the mean social media reviews. So, like, Jenn, I read the trade reviews my agent and my editor send me, and try to avoid the rest of them. 

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Because I write about an Episcopal priest in a small town, I'll occasionally get readers who think my books are cozies, and then are shocked and upset because they do, in fact, have graphic violence, swearing, and sex. One lady sent me a hand-typed letter that began, "I thought you were a Christian!" Ma'am, I am, but lots of my characters aren't. (Also, I'm probably not what she thinks of as Christian...)

When I was starting out, I used to feel stung at the sometimes obvious condescension from LITERARY writers. At the Brattleboro Literary Festival one year, I mentioned what I write at the pre-festival author reception, and you would have thought I smelled like a wet dog with gas by the way people edged away from me. Then I went to my panel with the marvelous Archer Mayor, and realized 1) we were in the largest venue and 2) we had the biggest audience by far of any other presenter that year. That cured me of literary inferiority complex.

RHYS: Oh, and don't you just love the letters that say "I noticed a typo on page 147. Can you have them go back and reprint?"

I think it’s not just writers any more who have to put up with insults and criticism. Social media has made people feel powerful and anonymous. Look at Yelp reviews. Some are so stupid:  one star because the restaurant had run out of a particular item. One star because I haven’t tried this yet but I don’t think I’d like it. 

So who reads reviews? And fellow writers, have you had to deal with any of the above?