What You WISH You Had Known...

HANK: When you were in college, who was the person who told you anything about anything? About how to behave on your own, and what to do on a “date,” and what was expected and what was cool and what was not cool and how to say no and what that even meant? Back in the day (cough cough) nobody told me anything. I have to say. And I remember at some point–when was it?-- when we all immersed ourselves in Our Bodies, Our Selves, the absolute saving grace book that is probably in its millionth printing right now.

But times have changed, and so have a lot of things, and if you have a friend or a child or grandchild or an acquaintance or anyone in college, isn’t it amazing to think how much they all need to navigate?

So. Tiny bit of backstory. A million years ago, and I mean maybe… 15? When my first book came out.A brilliant savvy powerful public relations person here in Boston asked if I wanted to do a signing at Macy’s. Well yes, absolutely unquestionably yes, I did! And we became pals.

And time went by. And now her daughter has written a terrific, timely, contemporary (and also useful) guide to college – nothing to do with classes, but a lot to do with life. Here's the official (and exciting!) announcement.

 So of course, it was my turn! So I invited her here to meet you all.

Do you know anyone who might need this? And after you read it, I have a question for you.

DO AS I SAY, NOT WHO I DID
By Ali Drucker

When my proposal for my first book, DO AS I SAY, NOT WHO I DID, was finally sold and the real writing could begin, I knew I wanted to include as many funny moments from my own dating history as possible. The book is part memoir, part expert interviews, and features tons of sex and relationship advice for young women in college. So I knew the more funny and embarrassing anecdotes I shared from my past, the more relatable I could make myself to readers.

No one wants advice from someone who’s never made a mistake before, right? If you’re too much of a perfect paragon, you risk coming off as preachy rather than personable. But I was surprised to learn along the way that the stories I thought were the most outlandish, most guaranteed to get a laugh, were among the ones I didn’t see fit to include when all was said and done.

Here’s one of those stories. Toward the end of my college years at the start of the semester, I met both an upperclassman I was interested in and a new peer in one of my seminars within a day or two of each other. I put their numbers in my phone.

The following Saturday night, after a drink or two, I began to text the cute guy and invited him over. I flirted via text, getting more and more excited as he alerted me he was on his way over. I heard a knock at the door and when it slowly creaked open, the cute guy with the floppy brown hair and dark eyes who I thought I was texting wasn’t the person staring back at me. 

Instead I saw a poor, confused Freshman who was in one of my classes. I was mini dress-clad and gobsmacked as I gushed profuse apologies, explaining I hadn’t meant to invite him over after all. When I added both gentlemen’s numbers to my phone, I hadn’t properly assigned a contact name, and you can easily put together the rest. This story never failed to get a giggle with my friends, but you won’t see it in the book.

Nor will you read about the time I accidentally mixed up a bottle of personal lubricant with hand sanitizer, to near disastrous ends. Fear not, the mistake was noticed before any sensitive skin was dragged into the unfortunate mix up. Let’s just say I never thought I’d be grateful for the pungent, antiseptic smell of sanitizer. I told an old coworker about it one day and she laughed so hard she nearly cried.

You would think stories like those which elicit a big reaction would be no-brainers for a book, but ultimately I had to face the fact that they didn’t serve a tangible purpose. What’s the real takeaway there? Be more diligent about assigning names in your address book? Read labels more closely, no matter the circumstances? In the end, I found that the antics that taught a real lesson were a lot more worthwhile, even if they were a bit less over-the-top and funny. Still, I love getting to share the “rejects” whenever I get a chance. There’s always a home for them somewhere.

Are you ever surprised by what you cut from your stories? What’s your strategy for finding new homes for your favorite, funny rejected moments?


HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: So as I asked in the beginning--do you know anyone who might need to read this? Seems like a perfect graduation gift...

Now I'm trying to remember something that happened to me in college that I wish hadn’t happened–happily, nothing springs to mind. I do remember the time I tripped on something, and slid all the way across the highly polished wooden floor of the Sigma Chi dining room. Luckily it was not revealingly indecorous, just ridiculously awkward. 

The rules of who can be where were much stricter back then than they are now, that’s for sure. I also wish I had realized that the fact that I had no dates whatsoever, (well, very rarely,) did not matter in the long run. Or probably even in the short run. 

 Treading carefully here, of course, because it’s Jungle Red, anything you wish you had known in college?


PS: AND THIS WEEK'S WINNERS are:
Of Maggie Smith’s TRUTH AND OTHER LIES: Vicki
Of Jess Montgomery’s THE ECHOES:  Deana Dale
Of Charles Salzburg’s CANARY IN A COAL MINE: Sheri
Message me your addresses at hank@hankpryan.com

Ali Drucker is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles who covers sexual health and pop culture. She lives with her husband, temperamental cat, and moderately well-behaved dog. You can find her work in The New York Times, New York magazine, HuffPost, Refinery29, and more. She previously served as the sex and relationships senior editor at Maxim and Cosmo. When she’s not interviewing people about their sex lives, Ali enjoys loading up on SPF and going to the beach, taking easy hikes, and snuggling with her pets while watching old episodes of shows she’s seen a million times on Netflix.

DO AS I SAY, NOT WHO I DID
It’s hard to overstate how much we put pressure on early sexual encounters— and how little real advice is out there. How do I deal when I keep running into my one-night stand? How can I tell if I’m too drunk to have sex? How do I say stop when I’m not really into it? In this unflinchingly honest guide to hookups and relationships in the twenty-first century, Ali Drucker answers these questions and more—with “been there, done that” confessional advice, plus input from experts on sexuality and from students in college today.

Buy it here!