HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: A sneak peek at my new book below! But first, breaking news. First, I have been named Guest of Honor at next year’s Malice Domestic convention. SO AMAZING! (Julia and Rhys were this year’s and the year before, and can you imagine that powerhouse duo at the podium this year? So now, they will be able to tell me the secret handshake.) I am still floating.
Second: My new book THE HOUSE GUEST has a cover! YAY! And it will be revealed on Wednesday. So watch for it! All the Reds shepherded me through the decision, of course, and I am incredibly thrilled. If you want to help me reveal it, just email me at Hank@HankPhillippiRyan.com and I will give you all the deets.
Also: Do NOT buy HER PERFECT LIFE. Seriously. I mean–not yet. It’s going on sale for a pittance on May 10. And you will hear about it, you can be sure. So get ready to click the buy button.
And! THE HOUSE GUEST advance review copies are being printed right now. Yay. (Gilly Macmillan, who read a bound manuscript, just called it “propulsive, smart, twisty, and impossible to predict”” and “A thriller-lover’s treat!” So, again, yay.)
So the whole thing has been a process, and the other day I looked back at several versions of the manuscript for THE HOUSE GUEST. I keep every day's version, maybe that’s silly, but it’s truly instructive. If you compare the versions, you can really see the thought process, the emergence of character, the appearance of theme and motivation.
So here's an experiment. First, here's the version of page one that existed in May, 2021. Essentially a year ago.
Then, after that, the current version. Which probably won’t change.
What can you tell about the differences? What do you think?
Version from May 2021
Chapter 1
Ailsa swirled the icy olives in her martini, thinking about division. She stared through the chilled glass at the lighted bottles lined up on the shiny aluminum bar shelves in front of her. Division, as in divorce. Not only the obvious division, hers from Bill, but the division of their property. On her side of the ledger, she was supposed get the mortgage-free Weston house (but not the Osterville cottage), the jewelry, two of the important paintings, gym membership for life, and some other stuff. Money, certainly. The lawyers were discussing it, she’d been told. She jiggled the fragments of disappearing ice. Discussing.
What did Bill get? Besides everything else, he got the friends.
All the friends. Ailsa felt her shoulders sag, calculating the parts of her life now grouped on his side of the ledger. She understood, she did, it was difficult when a couple split. Allegiances were tested. Loyalties strained. She jabbed at the closest green olive with the little plastic stick. She’d have thought some of them, some of the friends at least, would’ve stuck with her.
The music from the speakers in each corner of the Vermillion Hotel’s earnestly chic dark-paneled bar floated down over her, some unrecognizable jazz, all piano and promises, muffling conversations and filling the silences. A couple sat at one end of the bar, knee to knee. On vacation, on business, clandestine. Impossible to tell. At the other end, a sport-coated man, tie loosened, used one finger to fish the maraschino cherry out of his brown drink, popped it into his mouth, and licked his fingers before he went back to scrolling the phone in front of him.
Written January 2022
Chapter 1
Alyssa swirled the icy olives in her martini, thinking about division. She stared through her chilled glass to the mirrored shelves of multi-colored bottles in front of her at the hotel bar. Division, as in divorce. Not only the physical division, hers from Bill, but thinking about what would happen after the lawyers finished. They’d already created a ledger of their lives together, then started the financial division. Which would be followed by the devastating subtraction.
Bill had subtracted her from his life, that was easy math. With a lift of his chin and a slam of the front door and a squeal of Mercedes brakes. She’d asked him why he was leaving her, begged to know, yearned to understand. But Bill always got what he wanted, no explanation offered or obligatory. She had done nothing wrong. Zero. That’s what baffled her. Terrified her.
She jiggled the fragments of disappearing ice. Division. The Weston house. The Osterville cottage. The jewelry. Her jewelry. The first editions. The important paintings. Club membership. The silver. Money. The lawyers, human calculators who cared nothing about her, would discuss and divide and then, Bill Macallen would win. Bill always won.
All she’d done for the past eight years was addition. She’d added to their lives, added to their social sphere, organizing and planning as “Bill’s wife,” fulfilling her job to make him comfortable and enviable and the image of benevolent success. She’d more than accepted it, she’d embraced it, and all that came with it. And then, this.
I need a break, he’d told her that day. She pictured that moment, a month ago now, could almost smell him, a seductive mixture of leathery orange-green aftershave and personal power. Bill talking down to her, literally and figuratively, wearing one of his pale blue shirts, elegant yellow tie all loose and careless, khaki pants and loafers. A break! As if his life with her was a video he could casually put on pause while he did other things. What things?
HANK: So again, Reds and readers, what can you tell about the differences? What do you think?
Don’t forget to email me for the cover reveal! And stand by for the wonderful sale on Her Perfect Life.
Then, after that, the current version. Which probably won’t change.
What can you tell about the differences? What do you think?
Version from May 2021
Chapter 1
Ailsa swirled the icy olives in her martini, thinking about division. She stared through the chilled glass at the lighted bottles lined up on the shiny aluminum bar shelves in front of her. Division, as in divorce. Not only the obvious division, hers from Bill, but the division of their property. On her side of the ledger, she was supposed get the mortgage-free Weston house (but not the Osterville cottage), the jewelry, two of the important paintings, gym membership for life, and some other stuff. Money, certainly. The lawyers were discussing it, she’d been told. She jiggled the fragments of disappearing ice. Discussing.
What did Bill get? Besides everything else, he got the friends.
All the friends. Ailsa felt her shoulders sag, calculating the parts of her life now grouped on his side of the ledger. She understood, she did, it was difficult when a couple split. Allegiances were tested. Loyalties strained. She jabbed at the closest green olive with the little plastic stick. She’d have thought some of them, some of the friends at least, would’ve stuck with her.
The music from the speakers in each corner of the Vermillion Hotel’s earnestly chic dark-paneled bar floated down over her, some unrecognizable jazz, all piano and promises, muffling conversations and filling the silences. A couple sat at one end of the bar, knee to knee. On vacation, on business, clandestine. Impossible to tell. At the other end, a sport-coated man, tie loosened, used one finger to fish the maraschino cherry out of his brown drink, popped it into his mouth, and licked his fingers before he went back to scrolling the phone in front of him.
Written January 2022
Chapter 1
Alyssa swirled the icy olives in her martini, thinking about division. She stared through her chilled glass to the mirrored shelves of multi-colored bottles in front of her at the hotel bar. Division, as in divorce. Not only the physical division, hers from Bill, but thinking about what would happen after the lawyers finished. They’d already created a ledger of their lives together, then started the financial division. Which would be followed by the devastating subtraction.
Bill had subtracted her from his life, that was easy math. With a lift of his chin and a slam of the front door and a squeal of Mercedes brakes. She’d asked him why he was leaving her, begged to know, yearned to understand. But Bill always got what he wanted, no explanation offered or obligatory. She had done nothing wrong. Zero. That’s what baffled her. Terrified her.
She jiggled the fragments of disappearing ice. Division. The Weston house. The Osterville cottage. The jewelry. Her jewelry. The first editions. The important paintings. Club membership. The silver. Money. The lawyers, human calculators who cared nothing about her, would discuss and divide and then, Bill Macallen would win. Bill always won.
All she’d done for the past eight years was addition. She’d added to their lives, added to their social sphere, organizing and planning as “Bill’s wife,” fulfilling her job to make him comfortable and enviable and the image of benevolent success. She’d more than accepted it, she’d embraced it, and all that came with it. And then, this.
I need a break, he’d told her that day. She pictured that moment, a month ago now, could almost smell him, a seductive mixture of leathery orange-green aftershave and personal power. Bill talking down to her, literally and figuratively, wearing one of his pale blue shirts, elegant yellow tie all loose and careless, khaki pants and loafers. A break! As if his life with her was a video he could casually put on pause while he did other things. What things?
HANK: So again, Reds and readers, what can you tell about the differences? What do you think?
Congratulations, Hank, on your selection as Guest of Honor for next year's Malice Domestic!
ReplyDeleteI did like both versions of the chapter as they intrigued me enough to want to read more, to know more about the unhappy, sad woman; in either version, my heart hurts for Ailsa/Alyssa. I liked the name change; the introspection as Alyssa tries to figure out the “why” in a divorce I’m not at all certain she wants draws me closer to her. I liked eliminating the other folks at the bar and keeping the focus on Alyssa.
But now I can’t wait to read the rest!
Great! What I did was open it up a bit...the people stay, but they come after after we hear about Alyssa's impending problem. Thank you!
DeleteFirst, thank you for changing the character's name from Ailsa to Alyssa. I would have tripped over Ailsa every time. It's interesting to compare the two versions because you notice the little things, like eliminating "the shiny aluminum bar shelves." I didn't realize I didn't like that phrase with aluminum in it until it was gone. And, I agree with Joan about the focus staying on Alyssa and not mentioning the other people at the bar. I did like the part in the first version about her losing the friends, although I like the paragraph in the second version about her taking care of their social sphere. I might have leaned toward including the departure of the friends at the end of that paragraph, but that's just a personal peeve about wives getting the short end of the stick in divorce where friendships are concerned. I definitely like the ending paragraph in the second version better than the first, although I did like the first sentence of that last paragraph in the first version where the jazz and ambience and name of the hotel were mentioned. It was a good sentence. The second version is tighter, more organized, and overall the better version, but there are still those few items I wish could have carried over from the first version.
ReplyDeleteSO great--you are amazing. All of those things you mentioned are still in the chapter--they just come on page two instead of page one.
DeleteThat's good to hear that those items are still there. And, I really meant to congratulate you on the Guest of Honor honor at next year's Malice. I also meant to mention that the title The House Guest is of major appeal to me, and I think it will be widely well received.
DeleteCongrats on being named Guest of Honor!
ReplyDeleteThank you! SO exciting!
DeleteHANK: Yay, congratulations on being named GOH at next year's Malice! And I'm looking forward to the cover reveal of THE HOUSE GUEST tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, like others, I prefer the name Alyssa over Ailsa. And I like the use of more of the arithmatic analogies in the second draft: subtraction, division and addition. Also Bill's full name is used and a hint about his motivation for the divorce is given.
BRAVO!!
Thank you! yes, I reluctantly gave up Ailsa after I kept misspelling it. Seems like a sign...xx
DeleteCongratulations on your new book! From both versions I’m excited to read it but I think the second version gave me more background and context. I can’t wait to read your book!
ReplyDeleteYes, I was trying to let you know what happened. I the first version, we don't know Bill left.
DeleteI was there Saturday night when your name was announced and I whooped! You're going to rock that job.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a pro, Hank. I am under the weather and can't offer an analysis of the differences, although I think Joan, Kathy, and Grace point out interesting stuff. I just know I like the second version better.
Thank you! Aw, thank you. Yes, in he second version, what happened with Bill is clearly stated, so we know she's emotionally baffled and hurt and frightened, and her sorrow is not just financial. FEEL BETTER!! Keep us posted.
DeleteWow, such a difference Hank! And I would have said the earlier version was amazing before reading the newer... Huge congrats on Guest of Honor! Jungle Reds, unite to celebrate!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Yes, crossing fingers for that. xx
DeleteDeep point of view to the rescue! Love the second version.
ReplyDeleteThank you--I realized that in the first version, she just seemed to care about the "things" and I wanted us to know she was upset about Bill's baffling actions, and was now emotionally devastated and confused.
DeleteHank, congratulations on being selected as Guest of Honor for next year's Malice. It may become my first convention as a "fan." If I put it on my calendar now...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Joan, Kathy and Grace about the name change and I understand why some of the interesting details in version #1 had to be abandoned when creating version #2.
Meanwhile, I'm pretty upset with Bill so if you need any help hiding the body, just saying;-)
ALL those details are next! I love them, too, they just come on page 2 now. oxoo
DeleteAnd YAY! That would be amazing! We will all have to plan! xxx
DeleteBoth versions are so compelling, Hank. The second is crisper. And I am so thrilled you are going to be GOH next year!!!!! Reds celebration!
ReplyDeleteYes, another Reds celebration! And thank you--version 2 is more specific about what happened, right?
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteHank, a question about: "She stared through her chilled glass to the mirrored shelves of multi-colored bottles in front of her at the Bill..." What is "the Bill" in that sentence? What am I missing?
ReplyDeleteOH! Typo. You are a good reader! It's fixed now, sigh, look one more time. xxx
DeleteBetter now!
DeleteCongratulations! Yay or being GoH next year. I like both versions! I would continue reading either book. The second version definitely gives more information about her situation and we see her soon-to-be-ex as the jerk he is. I also liked the addition of more math functions. From the first version, I liked the details of the hotel bar, but perhaps they needed to go to move the story along?Like Judy I was a bit confused about the first use of "Bill" in the second version. I thought you meant the bill for her drink, but on re-reading, I'm thinking Bill of Fare?
ReplyDeleteIt was a typo! Sheesh. And now it's fixed. The computer dropped a line. Now it's back. And the bar details are on the next page!
DeleteAnd aw, thank you! xoxo
DeleteCongratulations of being named GOH! As for your newest work, there is a definite difference between the two versions and like everyone above, I prefer the second version, not just for the name change. Not sure about "squeal of brakes." What little we know of Bill he isn't the kind of guy who drives around with squealing brakes. Maybe the tires squealed?
ReplyDeleteWhoa. Hmm. Tires. What think, everyone, should I fix that in the copyedits? Good eye!
DeleteAnd thank you! xxx SO exciting.
DeleteCongratulations on being next year’s guest of honor at malice, and on the new book acquiring a cover. I, however, may be the only person in the world who likes the name Ailsa!
ReplyDeleteNever mind
Now, tell us about the Bar Mitzvah. I understand that these outshine weddings these days! We need details.
That was me in drag … Ann Mason
DeleteOh, he was adorable..so happy and proud of himself. It was not elaborately elaborate :-) , just fun with a big luncheon and a photo booth and a DJ and speeches and dancing. And he gave a truly marvelous speech about justice in a time of uncertainty--and was so eloquent. This from a kid I have known since the day he was born, who taught me how to play Magic and left Legos all over the floor and would only eat mac and cheese. Awww.
DeleteMazel tov! So sweet!
DeleteUh-oh. Blogger's comment area looks different today. Fingers crossed this posts.
ReplyDeleteYay, for GOH at next year's Malice, Hank! Is it my imagination, or were you not Toastmaster one year? Seems to me you wore a magnificent taffeta ball skirt that you had shipped ahead for the occasion.
Count me as a fan of the name change, too. My daughter's housemate is Alisa, and I'd have read it as a typo every time!
Good choice to move some details off the first page. It was a tiny bit laundry list-y in the first version; the second is tighter, and furthermore, foreshadows some jeopardy to Bill's worthless self. If he gets murdered in this book there could be justification! Bwhaha.
Okay, it worked, but it still looks very odd.
DeleteI had the very same concerns, Karen. But it worked so all is well.
DeleteYes, new blogger--weird. And yes, thank you, I was Toastmaster! And LOVED that gown. I am so touched that you remember it! Thank you! And whoo hoo, that was exactly the point of those changes. xoo
DeleteHank, you were memorable!
DeleteFor me the big thing is it's more interconnected, tighter, each sentence and phrase reaching back to the one before it and the one coming after. A wholeness. Bravo! But how hard this is! I hate to see those people at the bar destined for the dustbin.
ReplyDeleteWhoo. Thank you. And HA!--the bar people are only destined for page two, not the dustbin.I am fond of them, and ooh, maybe they matter. xxx
DeleteCongratulations on GOH at Malice!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed seeing the process of revision that you presented. The second version is more emotional, gives us a good idea of the kind of person Bill is, and lets us feel Alyssa's confusion and pain. But I like the last paragraph of the first version and I'm glad you included it later in the scene - "all piano and promises" - wonderful.
Thank you! Aww. Yes, it's still there, but later. oxxooo
DeleteAnd this is yet another example, Hank, of why each book you write knocks it out of the ballpark over and over. Craft and effort and butt in the chair, fingers on those keys as you work and rework to make every line, every word count. Talent helps, of course, but you work so hard on every single book. And congratulations on the new cover and your selection as GOH at Malice and I really hate the Bills of this world.
ReplyDeleteYES! We hate the Bills. I kept trying to give him another name, but he was, indeed, Bill. And aw, thank you. This is so sweet of you. xxx
DeleteCongratulations on being GOH at next year's Malice!
ReplyDeleteLike most others, I really appreciated the name change. Ailsa was so unusual that it stopped my flow. Beyond that, I think the changes made her a much more likable character. In the first version, I saw her as somewhat bitter and feeling the role of victim. In the second, I truly empathized with her. In those few short paragraphs I really understood how her world had just blown up. She seemed less bitter and more decimated.
YAAY! My very goal. Thank you SO much! xx
DeleteSusan, at least now we can assume that Bill didn't leave because he couldn't pronounce her name. LOL How does one pronounce Ailsa?
ReplyDeleteHA HA!! xoxo AYL-sa. Like a weird Elsa. I think I saw the name in the credits of Outlander. :-)
DeleteHank, Congratulations on GOH at Malice and the new book.
ReplyDeleteThe writing in version 2 is much tighter. Continuing the math metaphor gives it more flow and makes it feel like a train of thought rather than a jumble of thoughts. We know more about her life and her problem and Bill as a jerk is well established. We know that she has been wronged.
Also, the emphasis on the loss of friends in version 1 suggested she was going to be very alone and while that may still be true (as we may discover on Page 2) it isn't a part of this train of thought.
THANK YOU! Yes, the friends are on page two. xxoo
DeleteCongratulations on being named Guest of Honor for next year!
ReplyDeleteI’m glad you changed the name to Alyssa. I just don’t like the name Ailsa, and I have a beloved relative named Alyssa. I can sympathize with an Alyssa. Silly, but true.
Both versions would entice me to read the book, but I prefer the second. It shows Alyssa’s anguish, and my heart breaks for her.
DebRo
The names do make a big difference, definitely. Yes, I wanted Alyssa to be sympathetic and lost, not money-grubbing. HURRAY. And thank you! xx
DeleteAckkkkk! It sounds wonderful!! I can't wait to read it. I liked the first version and would have gladly continued if I were reading the book. But reading the final version REALLY made me want to keep reading and gave me much deeper sympathy for Alyssa. Congratulations!!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Cannot wait for you to see the cover tomorrow!
DeleteCongratulations, Hank on the Guest of Honor for next year's Malice Domestic. I liked the first draft with the note about friends and "mortgage free house" unless the mortgage free house is supposed to be part of the mystery, which would explain leaving that out in the current version. I liked the "more to the point" and we get a hint of who Bill is. This raises more questions. Was Alyssa the first or second or third or ? wife ?? I wondered if Alyssa was the starter wife or the mistress before she married Bill. I am surprised there were No hints that the marriage was over. I think we will have to read the book to find out, right?
ReplyDeleteDiana
What a wise reader you are--yes, the house and the friends, each very important, are all on page 2. And aw, thank you!
DeleteFirst difference I noticed were the shelves in the bar. They are mirrored in the second version and now the bar is in a specific location instead of being an anonymous bar.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on being the next Guest of Honor at Malice.
Thank you! See, all the little details, so important! What do you need to know, and when?
DeleteBig cheer on next year's Malice! That's wonderful news, Hank - you've got a great year ahead of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, thank you! It is an incredible incredible honor. xxx
DeleteCongratulations on being named GoH next year at Malice. Yay!
ReplyDeleteAs to Judi's point about the squealing brakes on Bill's Mercedes: yes, to changing that in the copyedits. If he's swooshing out the driveway, it would be the tires squealing not the brakes -- but do Mercedes' tires squeal? If the driveway is gravel, the stones could shoot up behind the car. If driveway is paved (as it likely is), the car could leave a mark on it, maybe?
Regardless, the second version (in which I did not even notice the name change to Alyssa!) is crisper and more interesting for its depth of content. I like it!
Yay, thank you! And LOVE the gravel, but she's inside and could not have seen that. Plus, it's so interesting, what if she THOUGHT they were the brakes, like I did? :-) Hmm. Lemme think, xxxx
DeleteCongratulations on the GOH award. And I can't wait until I can see the cover.
ReplyDeleteI think the second version is more powerful. It puts the emotional impact right there, in your face. And I love all the mathematical references. Brava.
Oh, yay, thank you! About everything! (If you want to help me reveal, email me at hank@hankphillippiryan.com !) xx
DeleteCongrats on being GOH next year, Hank!! Maybe we will all get there!! And so interesting to see your two versions. The second is smoother, tighter, and Alyssa is definitely more sympathetic. I'm rooting for her after reading that.
ReplyDeleteBut I am so intrigued that you save every version--how on earth do you keep up with that?
Let me say this, dear Debs. It is not necessarily a good idea. :-) But it helped with this experiment. xxxx (and thank you! YES!)
DeleteCongratulations, Hank - I can't think of anyone more deserving for the GOH spot! I love both versions of the opening, but there's a level of detail in the later edition that just makes it for me. It paints such a recognizable picture of Alyssa, her husband, and their privileged life, and it's so vivid I can practically keel the khakis.
ReplyDeleteAwww...thank you! I wish I could have heard your GOH speech--maybe in your next week you could tell us all about it???
DeleteAbout her name. "Ailsa" is very Scottish. If she isn't Scottish, I would wonder why throughout the entire book. "Alyssa" brings with it fewer expectations though it feels fancier.
ReplyDeleteOh, good point! xxxxx in every way.
DeleteOoh, excited for The House Guest!! Congrats.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I am, too! xxo
DeleteFantastic, Hank!!! Congrats on the GOH! And I love both versions. I really enjoy watching your process as you suss out exactly how you want it to be. Fabulous!
ReplyDeleteAwww..thank you! It's fun for me to see, too...and instructive.
DeleteAnonymous is me - Jenn. Apparently, I’m having an identity crisis.
ReplyDeleteWEIRD! There's new interface, it seems. Or for you, a missing face. xxx :-)
DeleteCongratulations on being named Guest of Honor for next year’s Malice Domestic! Both versions are great, but the latest version has more intense feelings and says ‘watch out, thriller ahead!’
ReplyDeleteThe emotion is there in the 2nd version. You pulled her feelings out onto the page, making her sympathetic. I SO love the cover!! Congrats again on being GOH next year! Well deserved and you'll brighten the stage at Malice!
ReplyDelete