How Can You Be Late for Your Own Funeral?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: YAAYY!! Elaine Viets! What an icon, and what an inspiration, and what an incredibly ground-breaking author.

Plus, she's undeniably one the most hilarious, most droll, and most entertaining authors you could ever meet.

And whoa, talented, too! When you finish this essay--which as you will see could have been written by nobody but Elaine!--check out her bio, below. And stand in awe. 

 

Untimely Ripped: Ripped from the Headlines Stories

By Elaine Viets

Many writers use “ripped from the headlines” stories as inspiration for their mysteries. But which news stories should you use? How do you know there won’t be twenty novels the next year or two with similar plots?

In my case, I chose a news story based on its longevity. Not how long it stayed in the papers – how long it stayed in my mind.

This is the story behind the story for “Late for His Own Funeral,” my latest Angela Richman, Death Investigator, mystery.

The idea came from a Los Angeles Times story that stuck in my mind for almost twenty-five years. Back in 1998, an LA County coroner’s official told a woman that her husband was dead. I’ve changed the couple’s names to Betty and Richard Walton.

The news of her husband’s death dropped poor Betty into a nightmare. Richard was Princeton-educated and a high-ranking political advisor. Yet the coroner said Richard had died in police custody from an abscess caused by dirty needles. Betty demanded to see her husband’s body. The official said no – the body was being autopsied. The wife refused to believe that Richard was shooting heroin. The police confirmed the dead man’s fingerprints as her husband’s. The dead man was also carrying Richard’s driver’s license.

Betty said her husband’s license had been reported lost. The coroner’s investigator fed her a fat hunk of baloney. He “suggested that she was feeling anger and denial,” and that was normal.

Besides, the Waltons had been going through a tough time, and Betty knew her husband was depressed. Richard had moved out of the family home, and was staying with a relative. She also knew Richard had walked out of the relative’s home, crying, and the family hadn’t seen him for a few days. Betty caved and planned Richard’s funeral.

The morning of the funeral, the widow wanted “one last touch.” While the body was being prepared at the cemetery, she went to look at her husband. The dead man didn’t resemble her husband in any way: he was a large, hairy man. Richard was slender. The hair was wrong.

The funeral was canceled. Turns out the actual dead man was a transient drug addict who’d been carrying Richard’s missing driver’s license.

The police had used Richard’s missing driver’s license as a basis to identify the dead man. There were many other snafus, but the first rule of body identification is: never, ever identify a body by a driver’s license.

Why did that story appeal to me? I liked the macabre touches. Also, some years ago, I had a life-threatening illness, a series of strokes and brain surgery. When I recovered, I read my obituary. The idea of showing up for my own funeral intrigued me. Besides, when I was poky as a kid, my dad would say, “Hurry up, Sis. You’re going to be late for your own funeral.”

For whatever reason, I spun that story of the LA couple into my new death investigator mystery, “Late for His Own Funeral.”

In “Late,” Sterling Chaney is a rich and respected resident of Chouteau Forest, Missouri, home of the one percent. When his flashy sports car crashes at high speed, there isn’t enough of the driver left “to spread on a cracker,” in the inelegant words of the medical examiner.

Angela Richman is at the funeral with the new widow, Camilla. The casket Camilla’s late husband wanted causes quite a shock.

 Angela said:

Camilla, his widow, had given her husband what’s called the “Golden Send-Off” – she’d buried him like a rock star in a stunning Promethan casket.  The remains rested on plush velvet. The casket’s exterior was actually solid bronze, hand-polished to a mirror finish. It shone like gold.

Michael Jackson, James Brown, and Aretha Franklin all went to their reward in a Promethan casket. And now, Sterling Chaney. His casket, covered in roses like a Derby winner, looked incredibly gaudy in the austere Episcopalian church in Chouteau Forest, the largest town in Chouteau County.

I could hear the shocked murmurs and appalled whispers as the funeral home attendants rolled the garish casket up the aisle. The churchgoers would be even more shocked if they knew it cost thirty thousand dollars. In the pew behind us, a sturdy black-clad matron gasped, “Good heavens!”

But the service would soon have a bigger shock.

The funeral was interrupted by an unexpected guest – Sterling Chaney. Yep, he’s back, alive and well and drunk as a skunk, trying to take selfies with his golden coffin in the church.

Death investigator Angela Richman works for the Chouteau County medical examiner’s office. She’s in charge of the body at the scene of murders, suicides, and unexplained deaths. Sloppy work by the medical examiner and the police created this mix-up with Sterling. Angela is relieved the mess wasn’t her case.

After his dramatic entrance, Sterling Chaney, the man who was late for his own funeral, is all over the news. Sterling loves the spotlight, until a smart reporter reveals he earned his fortune by exploiting women who worked for him in a shady business. Sterling is disgraced and shunned by Chouteau society.

Then there’s another fatal crash.

This time, death investigator Angela Richman has to confirm that Sterling is really dead, then find out who killed him and why. Did the man who was late for his own funeral die twice?

I hope this story sticks in your mind.

HANK: That is amazing! Amazing. And just head-shaking enough to be true.

We don't want to tell funeral stories, okay? 

So let's talk about ripped from the headlines. Let me ask you, Reds and readers:  DO you still read actual paper newspapers? Do you ever snip clippings from them?

(I do! I'm a three actual paper a day person...and I always rip out clippings.)

How about YOU?

Elaine Viets has written 31 bestselling mysteries in four series: hard-boiled Francesca Vierling, traditional Dead-End Job, and the cozy Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper novels. With her Angela Richman, Death Investigator forensic mysteries, Elaine returned to her hard-boiled roots. Late for His Own Funeral is her newest Angela Richman mystery. Kings River Life said Late for His own Funeral was “a fascinating exploration of sex workers, high society, and the ways in which they feed off of one another.”  

  Elaine’s Deal with the Devil and 13 Short Stories was published by Crippen & Landru. She's been toastmaster and guest of honor at the Malice Domestic Mystery Conference. Elaine’s won the Agatha, Anthony and Lefty Awards and was shortlisted for the International Thriller Writers Award for best short story.