The Reds Admit to Bad Hair Days!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: SUCH a serious topic today. What’s the worst hair decision you ever made? What’s the best? Our darling Maddee James, who handles the intricacies of the Jungle Red website as well as mine, emailed me the other day with a burning question.

“Should I get  bangs?”  she asked.

You should know that she has beautiful hair, shoulder length all the same length. So her question was tectonic: should she cut six inches from the front of her hair, thereby ensuring that if she didn’t like it, it would take YEARS  to grow it back to how it was before. 

To cut bangs is a commitment. A massive irrevocable commitment. Should I do it? She asked me. 

I thought: How do I know? I There’s no way to know how you’re going to look with bangs until you have them, even if you do the “make a ponytail and flip it over your forehead to see how you will look with bangs’“ trick.

My husband is hearing me dictate this, and is asking me right now: “Don’t they have websites where you can put up your photo and see how you look with bangs?” Hang on. I’m going to check that out right now. 

 

Okay, I just checked The Google, and turns out there are about ten million simulators and demonstrations to predict whether you’ll  look good with bangs.

Still. You never know really, until you do it,  right? And that’s the terrifying question.

A million years ago, I had cascading brown hair, all one length, much longer than my shoulders, wavy and pretty gorgeous. (I realize that  now, fifty years later.) Here's a photo of me, circa 1971? Having a deep political conversation with a pal in Washington DC. (I love this photo. We are SO serious.)

And here, my first radio reporting publicity shot. Back in the day.

But of course, I wasn’t satisfied with that, and when I was on assignment for Rolling Stone in Atlanta, I went to a hairdresser and said, can you do something with this? 

He said, have you ever heard of Farrah Fawcett?

I will admit that I said no. Which should tell you how long ago it was.

She has great hair, he said, I’ll cut your hair just like hers. Dumb 21-year-old me  said Sure. It took 15 years, at least,  for it to get back to being okay. Happily, there are no photos of it. 

Oh, wait there is one. Taken by Richard Avedon and that's him standing next to me with the camera bulb in his hand. I spent SO long fixing my hair before that shot. Sigh. I still look like some sort of assassin, who'd been murdered by humidity. (And fun fact, it was taken in front of the CIA building.)

ANYWAY. So I warned Maddee away from bangs.  I said, if you don’t like it, it will be terrible, you’re beautiful, you’re fabulous, only do it if you cannot stand not to.

Here's the "before."

She did it, and she looks gorgeous. And she gave me permission to tell you so. Keep reading for the results.

Reds and Readers, what major hair decisions have you made? And what do you think about that now? 

LUCY BURDETTE: In 7th grade, I wanted to have hair that curved from a little long in back to longer, below chin-length in front. We had just moved and I was not settled in and I desperately  wanted to look like this cool girl named Brooke. But my mother talked me out of that and into a “pixie.” I’m sure it was cute but it didn’t feel cute, it felt awkward and awful. Once I grew it out, I didn’t cut it for a long long time. Until I wanted to look like Dorothy Hamill (remember her?) and later, Jessica Lange:). 

HANK: Oh, dear, Lucy. Yikes. (I hardly see you in this photo!)

LUCY: Oh of course the going gray was a terribly hard decision but Covid made it possible, and now I would never go back. It’s a serious question Hank, and next time I think about bangs, I will know to come to you and Jonathan!

JENN MCKINLAY: Oh, let’s see, the 80’s spiral perm? Yeah, that was something. Aquanet is your friend! The purple faux hawk in college (like a mohawk but mellower)? The cranberry red phase? The spiky blonde era? I’ve had bangs since I was fourteen and realized while looking at my school photo that I had a HUGE forehead. I wouldn’t even recognize my face without a fringe as the Brits say. On the upside, at my age, bangs save me from the pesky bangs or botox question. Bangs, please!

JULIA SPENCER FLEMING: My worst hair decision was back in high school, when the ‘80s perm craze was starting (see Jenn’s sad tale, above.) Tired of my Dorothy Hamill cut -

yes, I was extremely suggestible as a youth -

I got The Perm.

And turned into Rosanne Rosanadana. It seems my hair shaft takes a perm really, really well, and I had to live with triangular hair for months and months until it grew out. That’s right, it never softened and fell out. That was the end of permanents for me.

No bangs. I’ve always had a round face with full cheeks; bangs made me look like a half-moon cookie. Or now, since I’ve gone silver, a full moon cookie.

HALLIE EPHRON: Whoever invented hairspray should be charged with malpractice. In the 60s Sandra Dee (remember her?) got her hair done in a “bubble.” Which required back-combing and then smoothing it into a helmet and then spraying it until it was stiff. I can’t remember how I even combed it out but it must have been painful. Years of my life were squandered in pursuit of the bubble.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I’ve had bangs most of my life, except for a late teens shag–ironing-board straight, not Fawcett-ed!--and a few years of a classic all-one-length bob. I loved that cut, but when I started to go a little gray at the temples, not so much. Back to bangs after that. I have a long, thin face that really needs the balance, anyway.

But the horror hairstyle was the late 80s curly perm. I cannot now imagine why I thought it was a good idea. I looked like a muppet and it took YEARS to grow out. Never, ever again.

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh yes, how could I possibly forget the PERM! My mother and her sisters always got them when I was a kid–they were awful back then! My sister Sue and I were each give ½ of a Toni perm, but I got the whole thing in the late 80’s. 

RHYS BOWEN: Easily the worst decision. I have the world’s straightest hair. We were on vacation in Italy. I made a sudden decision to get a perm at an unknown hairdressing salon. Result was horrendous: frizzed and fried hair that took an eternity to grow out

The other occasion was lost in translation. I went to a male stylist and said “I want it fairly short “. He heard VERY short. There was a snip and the hair on top of my head was one inch long. By then it was too late to stop. I watched it all in horrified silence. Now I have a stylist I like and trust!

HANK:  Why do we make these kinds of decisions on vacation? And would that there had been a way to stop our moms from interfering.  Like here. I definitely needed an intervention here.

How about you, Reds and readers?

And oh, PS. Doesn't our Maddee look GREAT?

She "did a Lucy" during the pandemic, too!