JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Phone etiquette. Remember what it was when we were kids? You answer, “Hello, Fleming residence,” and if the caller didn’t identify themselves, “May I ask who’s calling?” That was pretty much it for rules, because you just didn’t have many options. (When my dad added the brand new call-waiting service in 1978 because he was tired of the line being eternally tied up by two teenage daughters, we added another rule: when someone ‘beeped’ through, you had to get off your call and answer the next one. I think in modern terms we’d say it was a push notification service.
Now? Don’t get me started. The Washington Post and the Cut (part of The New Yorker) both recently published articles on modern phone rules. I thought I’d share some to see what you all thought.
At Home
Don’t leave a voicemail (except for bffs and fam who are always happy to hear your voice.) J: This is the one that exploded all over social media, particularly among those of us of a certain age.
Text before calling, but no cryptic messages, ie, “We have to talk,” or “Call me now.” If there’s a specific issue you need to discuss, lay it out in the text. J: Not gonna lie, I love this. I love text because I can get back to you when it’s convenient; nowadays, an unexpected phone call feels like an intrusion. (If you’re a friend reading this, I don’t mean you.)
You don’t need to answer the phone when it rings! J: Which kind of brings up back to the answering machine days?
It’s ok to email, text or dm anyone at any hour. It’s on the recipient to manage their notifications. J: I turn my phone off when I go to sleep, and set it on DND when I’m working.
In Public
Shine your phone flashlight discreetly in restaurants. J: I 100% agree with this. But also, restaurants, how about giving us enough light to read the damn menu? And can you turn down the music? And get off my lawn?
If you have to talk (or check something) excuse yourself from the table. Don’t start scrolling while at the table. J: Also agree 100%.
No speakerphone convos in public. And for those of us who can only make it for about three months before losing airpod-like headphones, rejoice: plug in earbuds are back in style! J: I would also add, keep your voice down on your end while in public - unlike me. I was traveling recently, and at the airport, Youngest pointed out I used the same volume talking on my phone as I did when I was alone in my house. Ooops.
Face up and away from your phone while crossing the street. J: I’d add “And while walking in the city.” If you need entertainment from 5th Avenue to east 50th, play a podcast. With those attached earbuds!
Friends and Family
Juicy gossip? Spilling the tea about a work incident? Always call, never text. J: This advice is approved by lawyers as well as etiquette experts.
Don’t share texts without permission. J: No screenshots, either!
Don’t text-bomb your friends! Group chats are the place for rapid-fire texting.
Emergency? Let them know right away, don’t keep calling and texting hoping to break through. J: This feels like the one most likely to come from those of us who grew up even before answering machines, when the only way to connect was to ring and ring and ring. I remember being halfway across New York state, coming home from an audition to get into SUNY Purchase (no, I didn’t get an offer) and discovering I had lost my bus ticket. Trying to call and call from the bus station pay phone… shivers just remembering! I’ll take the modern mobile network anyday…
How about you, Reds? Anything here ring a bell?
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I saw that article! SO fascinating. I can tell you, working at Channel 7, the “youngsters” absolutely would not make phone calls. Communication was via text, and email if absolutely necessary.
I’d say–just CALL the person! Call them!
That rant over, let me say I adore texting, it’s fast and semi-efficient.
Phone calls are SO efficient, especially when you make a plan via text to talk.
But I will admit I don’t wanna answer the phone if I don’t want to. So don’t call, and then if I don’t answer, text and email to FORCE me to respond.
Hmm..”it’s on the recipient to manage their notifications.” Hmm. Sometimes I write the email on Saturday, and set it to send on Monday during working hours.
Do we ALWAYS have to be available? NO. Do we have to assume that everyone else is always available? No.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that the new methods of communication have retrained people to expect an immediate response. It’s sender-centered, not receiver-centered. That’s why good ol’ answering machines were so convenient.
RHYS BOWEN: The new phone etiquette or lack thereof drives me crazy. If I’m talking to you I don’t expect you to pull out your phone, stare at the message and decide whether it’s more important than me at this moment . I do text a lot and like the convenience of texts but I agree with Hank that the younger generation never actually speaks. They text in abbreviated slivers, never a whole grammatical sentence. They must completely lack social skills. When I was growing up we were educated in the art of conversation!
Texts any time of the day or night? Not if I have a notification that pings! I get so many texts from political candidates it makes me decide never to donate again!
As for those who answer their phones on public transport and talk loudly, I call that justifiable homicide.
DEBORAH CROMBIE: When I was a kid our phone was a business line (my parents ran their business from home,) so you bet you had to answer properly, even in off hours. After many teenage-year fights, my parents gave in and got me a separate line. Remember those??
I put my phone on DND at night. Spam calls come in at all hours!, but even so, I don’t think people should text you in the middle of night. Email is fine, though. I have voice to text on my phone so almost never actually listen to voicemail, oops.
And can I just say that smart watches are now just as bad as smart phones for distracting people’s attention from real live conversations?
JULIA: How about you, dear readers? What do you think about the new rules for telephoning?
The convenience of cellphones is indisputable, but they mostly make me crazy. I love the convenience of texting, but . . .
ReplyDeleteOkay to text at any hour? Go ahead, but I’m not likely to know about it if I’ve gone to bed because my phone is not in the bedroom.
No scrolling at the table, no speakerphone conversations in public seem like common courtesy, so both are good ideas.
The crossing the street rule made me laugh . . . if I’m walking down the street, I most certainly [unlike the rest of the world] do not have my eyes glued to my phone. Common sense says you ought to be watching where you’re going.
It’s kind of sad that there need to be rules for using your phone; most of these are common sense and/or courtesy, so you’d think everyone could figure them out for themselves. The convenience is great, but for many phones seem to have short-circuited good judgment and consideration . . . .
Joan, the older I get, the more I see common sense isn't all that common...
DeleteI'm older than you, Julia. What blows me away is that businesses and health professionals no longer want to leave VMs on landlines. I only have a landline! I found a significant message in my patient portal yesterday that had been sent a month ago. The sender complained she couldn't reach me by phone, had called several times. But she had left no VMs! I also received no email notification of the portal message. What is so hard about opening one's mouth and speaking into the phone? I just don't get it.
DeleteWe got rid of our landline about a year ago as we were getting about 30-40 spam calls a day. Now with our cell phones we might get just a few and I have a program that tells me that it's suspected spam. I leave my phone on 24/7 as I have family members that are sick and I need to be on call. My sister will text me to see if it's a good time to call. Our calls usually last a few hours. If we are out I put it on vibrate so I can look to see if it's important or not. I never use speakerphone but my husband does and it drives me nuts. I don't need or want to hear his conversations unless it's one of his family then I will join in. So, I guess, I have my own rules but they work for me.
ReplyDeleteThose sound great, Queen. I love speakerphone at home (since I lost my bluetooth earpiece and haven't replaced it yet) but no, never in company. Too annoying!
DeleteI've been trying to get my husband to let me get rid of our landline for years. So many spam calls. I let the machine screen calls, but anyone who knows me has my cell number. I can't put the landline on DND at night as I do with my cell, so the darned thing rings at all hours. And we all know what a late night phone call does to our heart rates. Argh.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the cell should stay in your pocket or purse while walking down the street or through a parking lot. The bad guys watch for potential victims who are distracted, making them easy targets. Pay attention, folks.
Why not unplug the landline or at least turn off the ring tone, especially at night?
DeleteThe "marking you as an inattentive target" is an aspect of the eyes-on-the-phone-at-all-times culture I never considered before, Annette!
DeleteAgreed, Annette! A colleague standing on the sidewalk waiting for a ride got his phone taken out of his hands by someone on a bike. And living in a downtown area, I need to keep my head on a swivel, so my phone stays in my pocket.
DeleteAnnette, in the olden days, when I had a home office, I always shut the ringer off at five and turned it back on at eight. And in the even older days…mid 1970s my home phone had a ringer off switch. Are you certain that your land line does not have a ringer off switch? Good luck.
DeleteThat’s Elisabeth with the olden days switch.
DeleteRules? Are there really rules? Every family makes its own rules for cell phone use. Texting is convenient. Answer when you can. Back in the stone age, some friends' families wouldn't even answer their phones during family meals. Rules.
ReplyDeleteWe have, on occasion, pulled out our phones even in restaurants in order to check to see who dinged a message or to Google some little factoid being debated, or to read something hilarious to our friends. Hey. Rules?
But, our cell phones are on mute or off at night and muted in theaters and movie houses, at lectures or in services. I may quickly check a text, but not in a theater where my phone's light will bother others, and I don't scroll Facebook while with friends.
We have kept our land-line. I don't worry too much about rules. Cell phones are the Wild West of technology.
You've reminded me of my family's rule for getting a call when we were all at dinner - usually my mother answered (she sat closest to the kitchen) and unless it was urgent - grownup urgent, not teenager urgent - she would let the caller know someone would get back to them after the meal was over.
DeleteI like almost all of those rules.
ReplyDeleteI'm in my 40s and I tend to go either way. Phone calls to close friends (b/c we'll actually enjoy talking to each other) and older family members (b/c they like it), text for almost anyone else not close or someone younger than me. If I call anyone else at all, it's generally b/c something has to be hashed out and the back and forth texting is too complicated.
I confess, I have my phone set on do not disturb pretty much 24/7. I set mine up so if my husband or a few other important people call it will ring, everyone else goes straight to voicemail. And they know if it's an emergency, call! The only time I take it off do not disturb is if I'm expecting someone to call back. Lots of times, if I don't need it or am not using it, it is in another room, far away from me. I think of that as my everyday luxury.
I still sometimes prefer to do some business over the phone rather than through portals or chatbots or websites, b/c I find they don't often answer complicated questions or requests well. We still need real humans for that, even if being on hold is awful.
I also agree with Hank, write the email when you need to get it out of your head, then set it to send off during business hours/daytime hours. Particularly if it's someone you don't know well or a business only relationship. Yes, it's on the other person to decide when to respond but I know how irritating it is to open your email to "check something real quick" and have a bunch of nagging new messages. Even if you ignore them, they'll stick in your mind.
My mother had a children's book, JOAN ON THE TELEPHONE , which I inherited. It was about the etiquette of using a party line. Talk about a blast from the past.
Wow! Jill, you and I have the same mindset apparently! Even though I am much older than you are. That DND setting is a godsend, I say, and without it I wouldn't even want a cell phone. But it seems most people can just ignore all those pings and other noises. I'd rather not hear them at all!
DeleteI was saying to another friend the DND setting really gets us al the way back to the original "calls" - certain hours when you'd drive around to friends' houses and leave your card to see if they were 'at home' or not. Except now we leave our digital messages instead of cards, and the recipient decides when and if if she's at home.
DeleteMost unknown phone calls on my cell phone are telemarketers so I don't answer. The exception is when I am expecting a delivery at home. There is no way to enter our building lobby without calling first.
ReplyDeleteI have heard of this new rule to text before calling, but none of my friends do that. We just text or use FB messenger.
But I totally agree about not using speakerphone mode in public. And using proper headphones / earbuds. If I can hear your music while sitting next to you on a bus or subway, then you're damaging your hearing with that high volume! And never text and walk across an intersection...don't assume the driver will stop for you.
Grace, I always thought people who blithely risk their lives trusting in the keen abilities of drivers must not, themselves, drive. Those of us who do, know how easy it is to be distracted for just one second.
DeleteWhile texting might be convenient for short messages, if it is something too long to text, I'm just going to call. I don't call with anything resembling a verbal cute puppy pic spam type of message so that leads to:
ReplyDeleteJay's Phone Call Rule #1 - If I'm calling you, it's important. Assuming you aren't being held hostage or stuck in a ridiculous meeting that should've been a text, ANSWER THE FN PHONE!
Rule #2 - Remember Rule #1.
This message was brought to you by Cranky Old Grumpy Curmudgeon Enterprises.
Jay, are you franchising Cranky Old Curmudgeon Enterprises? Because (raising hand) I know someone interested :-) This happens a lot with all of my nephews--just answer the phone! Why write a 3-paragraph text when we can have a two-minute convo and deal with whatever!
DeleteTotally on board with no speakerphone convos in public spaces, ringer OFF for services/entertainment venues. Phone on at night and nearby--because of family. As has been pointed out--these are mostly common sense/courtesy issues!
Jay, I think you could have a LOT of interest from franchisees of Cranky Old Grumpy Curmudgeon Enterprises!
DeleteThe novel-length text messages are one of my pet peeves, Jay. If you can't get it across in a line or two (or word or two!) call or send an email! Especially if it's something the recipient might need to access again.
DeleteFlora, I'll send you the paperwork and you can send the highly over-priced deposit check to my law firm of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.
DeleteJulia, if only it was possible, I'd be rich from franchise fees.
Deborah, yes novel length stuff is ridiculous. And like I said, if I'm calling, it's important not a call to say, "Hey" and then five minutes of silence.
Wonderful post, Julia! I just got back from my first mystery weekend in Ashland and met with my writing group for the first time!
ReplyDeleteNot a fan of the old phone. Ironically, the phone was invented to "help Deaf people hear" according to Alexander Graham Bell. Before the phone, it was easier for Deaf people to get jobs. After the phone, potential employers have used the phone as an Excuse Not to Hire Deaf people because they cannot talk on the phone.
LOVE the texting because I can communicate with family and friends on the phone Finally!
Hank, I love that the "youngsters" at your Channel 7 use text messaging instead of the phone because when my Deaf TV team visited the local NBC station in Washington, DC, the big boss (I'm sure he is dead by now - that was 29 years ago and he was on the brink of retiring) kept on saying "We would never hire a Deaf person here at the TV station because how can they communicate with their colleagues?" That was before texting existed! He really thought Deaf people could not do the work. And there was a brilliant Deaf cameraman who was excellent at his job. If he asked that question ten years ago, we would have said "We can communicate via Interpreters (always a standby) or by texting"
Diana
As a fellow hearing loss person, I agree 100% on the love of texting. It opened up a world of communication as my hearing disappeared~Emily Dame
DeleteEmily, thank you!
DeleteAnd texting is a godsend for people without hearing loss as well, Diana, when trying to communicate in noisy surroundings such as airports, train stations, busy city streets, etc.
DeleteLast week we took the London to Cincinnati non-stop, which means we went through immigration and customs in Cincinnati. In immigration: no phone calls of any kind for any reason. The entire plane load gabbed non-stop while simultaneously texting. Baggage claim: no phone calls. We waited forty minutes for our bags. Continuous calls and texts. A final TSA line: no phone calls, take off your belts and shoes and empty your pockets. Of course, everyone was still gabbing on their phones as they went through the circa 2001 metal detector. At the destination baggage claim in the main airport: log jam as everyone attempted to order an uber simultaneously. Mayhem.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid the always-on entertainment is turning us (and by us, I mean me as well) into a nation with a three second attention span. Can ADD be imposed by one's environment? We're in a massive real life experiment to find out.
DeleteI mostly approve of the stated rules, but the first one gave me pause. Like many of you, I don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. My theory is "If it's important, they'll leave a message." And after that it will be a recognized number. That all falls apart if they won't leave a message on that first call!
ReplyDeleteSusan, that's my logic too (for rarely answering the phone), but I've noticed some people that call and don't leave a voice mail will send a text right afterwards something like "hey, we need to plan Mom's surprise party, call me back." It seems counter-intuitive to me, but then again I know several people who admit they never, never listen to their voicemail b/c it's usually a telemarketer or something unimportant (shrug) I guess it's good to cover all your bases!
DeleteSusan, I do the same thing - if you don't leave me a message, it must have been a spam call. But I also figure most real calls I get with numbers I don't recognize are from tradesmen, medical offices, or other businesses - and those folks are much less likely to be texting me anyway.
DeleteThere's so much that's great about smart phones--not having to answer the phone being top of the list! I had a job that involved being on the phone and/or radio all day (or night) long and am so happy to NOT have to be on the phone. I only answered my home phone with "9=1=1, police, fire, or medical" or "Dispatch, Butler" (supervisor line) a few times over the years.
ReplyDeleteWe had a party line when I was very young, so part of our etiquette involved making sure the line was open before dialing. Luckily, we got our own line well before the teenage years. Our family had a built in way of keeping phone calls short. One phone, yellow in color, with a rotary dial, attached to the wall in the kitchen. Very much not a cozy place for long or intimate phone calls.
One of my pet peeves about smart phones: Sending a text to tell me to read an email. Please don't do that--if it's that important and time sensitive, just send it as a text.
Our family phone in the last house we had before I left for college was very much like that, Gillian, although over the years the cord got longer and longer and longer. I'm not sure if dad periodically replaced it, or if it just stretched with everyone trying to sit in a dining room chair during a call!
DeleteWe too had the yellow phone in the kitchen, but with push buttons. And a long cord that stretched to my parents’ bathroom where I spent many teenage hours on the phone with my now-husband.
DeleteSince I only have a cell phone for emergency, I have a lot of peeves for others.
ReplyDelete1) Put the darn phone away when walking. I would rather not get blamed for killing you when you just stepped off the curb without looking up.
2) You don’t need to take a call to have a coffee clatch with Esmerelda when you are in Walmart -and – you don’t need to talk on loud. I don’t care whether Auntie got a new boyfriend at 83.
3) Why do you always have to have the phone in one hand ‘expecting’ something to happen. Stop and enjoy your day. You will be long time dead, and there is no phone service in the afterlife (I think, because I keep trying to talk to my grandmother and ask her a question and there is no reply). Besides, I think Darwin and evolution may soon make babies born with only 1 arm as the other one is only a holder for the phone.
4) If we have to have phones, why don’t clothes come with the proper sized pockets. Oh, and why are they so heavy that my pants are always falling down? It is a good thing I usually wear a sweatshirt, and can put it in the pouch, even if it is giving me a hunch back.
5) Don’t text/call me on my phone. I realize it is the only way that you can operate, but I have already explained that I don’t use it except for emergency, so I have no idea where the phone is. The landline is on the wall, has a long cord, and I can actually hear you on it. I can’t hear you on my phone, and you keep going into dead spots (you should not be on the phone and driving) where the audio is fussy and your lips are not close enough to the speaker.
6) Why oh why does the carrier company always have to text me to tell me it is about to top me up, when I am in public? Seriously, is it following me around (like I swear Alexa is, even though we don’t have her either) just to spy on me and irritate me and bomb me with ads?
7) Please don’t ask me to look at your photos on the phone. There are three reasons for this. First you probably have not scrolled through your photos since you got the phone and you can’t find it, then there is the fact that I can’t see anything on that little screen, and mostly because I really don’t care especially if it is badly set up and the heads are cut off.
8) Who decided menus needed to be on phone screens? If I am all-dressed up with somewhere to go, you can please me and use a piece of paper for the menu. It doesn’t use that many trees.
I think someone who writes murders, should take Rhys up on her idea of justifiable homicide to the person talking on the phone on the bus. Maybe if anyone knows Jesse Q. Sutanto, they could suggest it – I think Vera Wong would enjoy this case.
Yep! Me too, Margo!
DeleteThere's a special circle of hell for people having LOUD talks on their phones on public transport, Margo. Our local Portland to Boston coach has a strict no calls policy, and I love it! And of course, I always race to the Quiet Car when I travel by train.
DeleteLove the Quiet cars on UK trains. And, Margo, great point on the pockets. I must have pockets in the clothes I wear at home, but the phone drags everything down.
DeletePreaching to the choir, Margo!
DeleteHow about someone talking (not quietly) on their phone in a public restroom stall? I am tempted to say "speak up, I can't hear you".
DeleteGood rules, especially with Julia's exceptions for family and friends. As someone else said, if I call and they don't pick up, I send a text. Many who are close to me don't listen to voicemail.
ReplyDeleteOccasionally annoying is when I get a call from a doctor's office, one I haven't yet saved in my Contacts, and I don't answer because I don't recognize the number. Only to learn I missed an important call. Sigh. I do love that my Android phone screens out spam texts. Thank you, Google.
Also, I set it to DND when I go to bed - with exceptions set for my sons, Hugh (who is next to me except when I travel), and my sisters. I was very glad for that exception the other night. News to follow.
Delete(Um, good news, not bad.)
DeleteAh, there's that rule about no cryptic messages in action! Good job, Edith!
DeleteMost of them I agree with. I loved the Apple feature that sent numbers I didn't have in my Contacts directly to voicemail. But I had to turn it off when I was getting numerous phone calls from doctor's offices. Oddly, I did it to combat junk callers, which have really dropped off. My phone is on DND during work hours and after 10pm.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time I prefer texts. But if what you are texting turns into a book-length missive, maybe call me. Just saying.
And if it's an emergency, call. I don't always answer texts right away, especially if I'm doing something (watching TV, eating dinner). Members of my immediate family have individualized tones so I respond faster, but if you want my attention immediately, call.
Your practices are very like mine, Liz, although I'm new to the DND during working hours. It's made a HUGE difference, especially recently since I've been handling lots of medical stuff for my brother-in-law. The DND goes off at 3, giving me plenty of time to get back to offices before COB.
DeleteI also set it so my kids can break through if they call twice in a row, so I don't have to worry about unheard emergencies - although now the closest one is a good hour away, my role in emergencies is usually now 1) advice and 2) money via Venmo.
Oh, I forgot the most important DND - while driving! I do not answer texts if I'm in the car, not even at stoplights. If you text me, get the "I'm driving" auto-response, and have to talk to me, call!
DeleteI like the rules, but most don't apply to my life. I'm a throwback. I still use the landline (with caller ID and answering machine) and email. I have a cell phone, but it lives, powered off, in my purse 99% of the time. I turn it on to kill time in doctors' waiting rooms and so my husband can track me when I'm off doing errands (safetly precaution, not stalking!), but that's about it. I've never tried texting, for one thing because it would be difficult for my arthritic fingers to type on that teeny tiny keyboard. It's hard enough using the full sized one on my PC. Technology is great, but I don't feel at all pressured to embrace all of it. Kathy Lynn Emerson
ReplyDeleteKathy, a little tip that might help with texting: turn on the auto-rotate feature, and turn your phone sideways. It makes the typepad much larger and easier to use.
DeleteI use voice-to-text, Kathy. I type SO slowly on the little keyboard I might as well be doing it with my nose.
DeleteI have noticed in recent months that I never get emails from my publisher or my agent over the weekend - new boundaries have clearly been set. I am delighted by this because now I don't feel like I have to check my email until Monday morning, which is glorious but also why I miss some emails (sorry, Reds)!
ReplyDeleteI love texting. Hate calling. But I will call if it is something that needs IRL problem solving and not the pickle ball equivalent of an endless back and forth.
Jenn, I've noticed the same - I wonder if so many people working from home helped set more rigid time boundaries? It did for me - it was during the pandemic when I finally started enforcing my own "work day", which now ends at six PM. If you email me after then, chances are I won't get it until the next morning - and that's okay!
DeleteFamily members recently went an entire night blissfully unaware that a major crisis had occurred. They'd gone to bed with their phones off and in another room, waking up to dozens of unanswered calls and increasingly frantic texts. That makes me shudder. That did not happen when the landline was our primary communication.
ReplyDeleteMy Android phone has a feature that allows DND when the phone is placed facedown. I've identified certain numbers are able to get through, though, since my mom is nearly 94, and there have been crises that required my help in the middle of the night. We also have a daughter who lives in a time zone seven hours ahead, and I'd prefer not to be awakened for her dog pictures when she wakes up and I'm trying to zzzz.
Verizon's spam filter is pretty good. So good that I forward our landline calls to my cell phone. And it allows for blocking text spams and emails, too.
Margo, you made me laugh!
A friend gets very upset if she is included in group texts, so we try not to do that to her. She works from home, using her cell phone, and it is too distracting for her. But she's the absolute worst when we are out. If her phone rings or buzzes she picks the darn thing up, not even an apology.
No, no, no, Karen! No phones at the table! Or at least abide by the "check it and excuse yourself" rule, above - although unless you're a physician or working on a multi-million deal why do you even need to have your phone on when out with friends?
DeleteWallet app on the phone to pay. I do not carry anything but my phone with the credit card pouch on the back of the phone case. Keyless entry for my car.
DeleteMost of the rules look okay to me. My husband and I both sometimes look up some info we both want to know when we are out and about. But not for anything else, and we usually don't interrupt a meal for a call unless it's really important. Because our families are so scattered, we communicate a lot via WhatsApp. What really annoys me is when someone is talking on their phone while walking, oblivious that they are about to run into me if I don't step aside. And my other gripe is people speaking loudly in what should be a private conversation. Other than those two "mosquitoes" I'm hooked on the convenience of mobile phones.
ReplyDeleteI think those two situations were covered in previous eras as well, Elizabeth - it's never been polite to talk loudly (especially on private matters!) in public or to be so absorbed you can't step out of the way of other pedestrians.
DeleteI turned on “silence unknown callers” on my iPhone. It sends those calls to voice mail so if it is someone who really wants/needs to talk to me they had better leave a message. It is a great way to take care of spam calls. The number still shows up in “recents” and you can block them from there. It does seem easier and somehow less intrusive to text someone rather than call them. It is annoying to text your grown children and receive no response! I would prefer Roger or Over and Out.
ReplyDeleteI think that last is the difference between our generation, raised on "Grab the phone, because otherwise you'll miss it!" and the Millennials and Zoomers, who have always been able to receive and then respond at their leisure.
DeleteI'll also share a communications snafu between me and my mother, who used to send emails or Facebook comments that were just sharing a joke or a news item. SHE expected me to respond, but I thought they were strictly informational. Once she shared her expectations with me, things went much more smoothly, and I was sure to give a "Like" or send back a laughing emoji or some such.
Chiming in late... just back from the Surry International Writers Conference in Vanouver BC. SO MUCH FUN and I got in super late last night (silver lining: no traffic).
ReplyDeleteI'm onboard with all of these! And something I always do... when I need to talk to one of my kids I start the request with the reassurance that everything is FINE on my end. Otherwise they get worried. Needlessly. And they'll take me seriously when there IS a problem. But... there isn't.
I do that, and the rest of the family does as well, Hallie. We've experienced enough genuine emergencies (or been in situations where things could go badly, as when Spencer was deployed to the Arabian Gulf) that we're all a bit on High Alert.
DeleteThank you, Hallie! Back in answering machine days, my mom would leave these miserable -sounding messages and I would call back in a panic to find nothing was wrong. When I called her out about it, she said she just hated talking to a machine and that’s why she sounded upset. She did start changing her messages to, “Hi, it’s Mom, everything’s alright.”
DeleteMy doctor's office must use personal phones when they call about appointments or test results, because the calling number is different (unknown) every time. I now tell people that because of spam I don't answer if my phone doesn't recognize the number. Leave a message and I'll call right back. My grandchildren never answer a ring and their voicemail hasn't been emptied in years. So I've gotten used to texting everyone. I have one group of friends, however, who get into endless group conversations, and since they're mostly much younger, this goes on into the night. I don't turn the phone off in case there's a family emergency, but after too many sleepless nights I finally figured out how to "mute conversation". Then in the morning I check to see what I've missed 🤣
ReplyDeleteSorry, didn't mean to be anonymous!
DeleteThat's a really good tip, Eugenia!
DeleteEugenia, that's my family chat - I'll be sinking into slumberland and my three kids are still texting madly away at one another. Thank heavens for the ability to silence notifications!
DeleteI've noticed the medical phone numbers as well, although the ones I get all at least have the same initial three digits. Maybe a modern version of a trunk line?
If a party has told me that they will get back to me I tell them that unless it shows up on caller ID who is calling, I ignore it. They can leave a message.
ReplyDeleteThat's why the first rule was so controversial, Judi - the "message proves you're not a spammer" just seems to be so universal! I'll have to ask my kids how they handle sorting the wheat from the chaff.
DeleteRules nowadays seem more like guidelines. Thanks to Robo calls, I dread answering the phone. I wish more people would make time to talk and visit as opposed to text and assign an abbreviation laden reply.
ReplyDeleteI feel as if the shut down in '20 and '21 made me so much more appreciative of personal time with friends, Anon. Just getting together and chatting while walking/dining/after church continues to be such a treat.
DeleteLove texting, avoid calling unless necessary. However there are times when nothing beats FaceTime. I’ve got over thinking I have to comb my hair and put on makeup first
ReplyDeleteWe still have a landline because once about twenty years ago we lost power for a couple days. Now if only we knew where we put that old “real” phone.
I think there's still a couple up in my attic if you need one, Ann - when we got rid of our landline (out in the country, it was less reliable than the cell phones) Ross had to save the old phones "just in case." By now they're probably collectable antiques! :-D
DeleteWe have an old, analog princess-type phone that I keep in a drawer. If the power goes off, digital phones also don't work, but those ancient ones still do. So far, we have not lost power that long that it was necessary to have, but you never know, especially these days.
DeleteI don’t answer calls if I don’t know the sender. If it’s important, they’ll leave a message. If they don’t leave a message, it’s not important. I avoid loads of robocalls, surveys and sales pitches that way!
ReplyDeleteDND comes on automatically every night around bedtime and ends at a reasonable hour of the morning (it only took a few incoming dings/rings/trills in the middle of the night for me to figure that one out!), but family and other important numbers are set as exceptions to the DND so they ring through regardless.
The upshot of all this? Nuisance calls are far less intrusive for us on mobile than on our landline. Hooray!
Now you've got me trying to remember when spam calls got so bad, Sandra - I looked up the history of robocalling, and it seemed to take off in the early eighties. And of course, getting VoI and other internet-enabled calling made long distance as cheap as local, leading to the rise of phone banks badgering us... technology created the monster, but also gave us a way to avoid it!
DeleteText & Messenger are perfect for introverts like me. I hate phone calls but sometimes they are necessary for my business. I don’t answer unknown numbers so if you’re calling from out of town about a cake you’d better leave a voicemail.
ReplyDeleteI use DND at night and only my immediate family can get through.
My oldest is both introverted AND has to be on the phone all day for work, Jennifer, so she almost exclusively texts when she's on her own time. It's wonderful to have ways to allow everyone to communicate comfortably!
DeleteI'm finding it really interesting that so many people don't want to talk on the phone. So many times it's so much easier to just make a phone call.
ReplyDeleteDebs, if I'm sending a friend a THIRD text in an ongoing discussion, I just click on the phone and call instead. One of the articles had a great line - texts are for information, talking is for emotion. Although I'd add calling is also for complicated information, as well!
DeleteDeborah, I avoid talking on the phone … probably from my work history: early when there was ONLY phone and fax and later when having to deal with complex issues and lots of jargon. Now, when neither is an issue, I find I forget to say things in oral conversation that I don’t forget when texting. So for me a call is not quicker as it is seldom just one call. (Gray-haired brain syndrome ? ) Elisabeth
DeleteDND - it goes on at 7 and off at 7 - I don't understand the no voice mail prohibition, but then I go back to the days of Code-A-Phone answering machines so what do I know :). I will post to FB or Insta regardless of the hour. I know some people might have notifications set up for those platforms, but given both cater to multiple time-zones, it seems futile not to set them to your time zone preferences if you feel the need for notifications. I try to be mindful of my email sending, but often I'm responding to people I don't know in real life, and don't know their time zone.
ReplyDeleteAs a kid, we had phone etiquette. Answer with the family name, ask who is calling politely, never ask why - that demand was reserved for parents. Phone calls were limited and never before 10AM or after 9PM, and NO CALLS between 5 and 6:30. Common dinner hours where I grew up. Remember when a call after midnight struck fear in your heart? Nowadays, it's a computer concerned about your extended warranty! Oy.
Kait, the "after 9PM prohibition" was so firmly engraved into my heart that I still apologize profusely if I have to break it. And why not? Disturbing someone while they're at their evening leisure is just as annoying now as it was in 1973.
DeleteI’m with you, Julia. Elisabeth
DeleteWe still have a dedicated landline because years ago, there was a weird blackout (some communication worker cut a line that blacked out San Diego County for several hours) that made me realize that cell phones don’t work for long without power. Living in the Golden State that much of the time is “golden” because of the light from wildfires made me realize I want a phone line that will work when I need it. (And yet we keep it connected to an answering machine which filters out 98% of the Spam calls so rarely talk on it.)
ReplyDeleteI abide by most of the rules stated above, I think. I text before calling because I think it’s polite and like when people (friends/family) do that for me. My phone is in the bedroom - across the room - overnight with DND set until 8:00 am except for family. My husband’s is in another room because we know that kids call Mom first.
Kids not knowing that cell phones can be used for speaking into came to a head one 4th of July when I was trying to give my son and his friends a ride to the beach. Son was texting his friend who kept telling him to pick him up at “the Starbucks” - like there’s not one every three blocks! This went on for over a hour because it turned out the friend was at a parade and put his phone in his pocket so he couldn’t be disturbed! I finally insisted he call the friend and yes, he was three miles away! (I was already annoyed at having to drive to the beach on a holiday. Jay, I will also be applying for a franchise!)
Cell phones are a wonderful invention and also the reason for the decline of literacy among the under 30 set. If it can’t be expressed in a 3-4 letter acronym, it isn’t worth saying, I guess. — Pat S
Pat, I'm laughing at "The Starbucks." Here in New England, it would be like saying, "At the Dunkin' Donuts" - there's one on every corner!
DeleteYes, Pat, I’ve tried to help some younger folks out - Long Beach has a music festival venue near our condo, and the kids will be trying to coordinate with their rides after. Their phones are dead, so I’ve helped by texting or calling the rides, and no one ever answers. Of course, most of the time, they also don’t know the right number!
DeleteSurely our brains began to atrophy when we no longer had to memorize phone numbers...
DeleteI prefer phone calls to long text conversations, although texting does have benefits. You can have a text conversation over several hours while doing other things.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest pet peeve is people who have loud phone conversations ON SPEAKER in public places. Sorry, I don't want to hear your entire phone conversation. I got into it a little at a Barnes and Nobel with someone who was wandering around while the person they were with was shopping. They were pacing and having a full conversation at top volume on speaker. I kept glaring at her until she finally got the hint and hung up. I swear, I was about two seconds away from walking up to her and joining the planning they were doing for a party. I mean, clearly, she wanted us to join in the conversation, right? And she acted like I was out of line.
I think the other thing people need to remember is we don't always have to answer the phone when you call. People seem to think that, because it is a cell phone, we are at their beck and call 24/7. It's not always convenient.
And in a bookstore?!? Good grief.
DeleteMark, I see one of the biggest advantages of cell phones as the ability to receive info and then decide when I want to respond/act on it. SO much more convenient than answering every call and text as they come in. (Same with email.)
I am so old that we only had two phones growing up, one in the kitchen and one in my parents' room. There was definitely a rule about never before 9 and never after 9 so my oldest sister and her girl friend used to call each other after 9 because they knew they were not stopping their parents' friends calls or any from a boy.. They had just started at different high schools and couldn't stand not to be in contact.
ReplyDeleteAnon, whenever I'm tempted to get into a "kids and their phones these days" mood, I remember how I would race home from the bus and immediately get on the phone to go over everything that had happened at high school with friends I had just seen there and would see again the next morning - or later that evening, on the occasions when we had rehearsals! The amount of time I spent hanging on the phone and hashing over everything "he" said or did with Tracy and Tricia and Lisa and Karen... it probably adds up to the same total hours my daughter spent on Snapchat when she was in high school, honestly.
DeleteI’ve always hated talking on the phone (older relatives aside), so texting is great for me! I am amazed at how differently my husband’s and my “rules” are about it, though, considering we are roughly the same age and background and have been together 40 years. I think the differences may come from my having had a very busy job (no free time) while his had a more relaxed pace.
ReplyDeleteIf we have plans to go hiking with friends, I assume the plans are good unless otherwise alerted. He texts that morning or the day before to confirm.
If we say we are meeting at 9, I only text if we are going to be more than 5 minutes late. He wants me to text with an ETA when we leave, even if there is no change.
I can live with those, now that we have identified them and discussed, and no longer sigh heavily, understanding that we are on different places on the communication spectrum. But the one that makes me bonkers is that he always has to respond, and normally be the last one, so text conversations go on longer than they have to - thank yous, see you soon, blah, blah. It reminds me of the old, “No, you hang up first,” from the landline days. Somebody needs to end the conversation! Uh-oh, better get myself one of those curmudgeon franchises!
Lisa, it was the difficulty in finding the right way to wrap up a text convo that made me become an emoji advocate. At the dawn of the internet age, I spurned them, but there's nothing like a smiley face, a cry-laugh or a thumbs up to put a period on the discussion without feeling rude.
DeleteAnd now I'm fondly recalling the "No, you hang up first" conversation when Ross was clerking in California and I was in DC. Is it me, or was there really more romance and drama inherit in those old Ma Bell calls?
And to Julia’s restaurant comment, we went to a new local restaurant a few months ago. It was probably about 6pm. It was so dark, we needed to use our phone lights, which isn’t that unusual anymore. But it was also too dark to see the food when it came out! I speculated that they didn’t want us to see that the guacamole had turned brown. The waiter had a flashlight that he used to help the women at the next table see the menu. That should definitely be a sign that it’s too dark. And the music was blaring with music videos on a wall-sized screen. Obviously we weren’t the demographic they were hoping to pull in. Wait until 9pm to turn your restaurant a club.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, I'm not sure it's my kids' demographic, either. I know when they go out to eat, they want to talk to friends (or to the date) rather than listen to overly intrusive music.
DeleteI could do a whole rant on restaurants where you can't hear your companions. I add those to my list--don't go back.
DeleteI used to hate texting, but I've gotten used to it now. I am guilty of sending long texts. Really, the person should have just called me. If I know I'll be saying a lot, I call. And, I have suggested we quit texting and call if the texting seems to be a lot. It seems more and more before I call someone, I text to see if they can talk. If I don't do that, I usually ask if they are busy when I call. I don't think you should just assume someone has nothing to do but wait for you to call them. I've noticed more of my friends are texting me first to see if I can talk, too. Maybe because I do it, or maybe it's getting to be a new consideration. A couple of other peeves about texting (although I said I've gotten used to it) is that I'm a slow text typist. I can fly on a laptop or other computer keyboard, but the tiny board is awful. Now, I did get one of those lovely larger keyboards you can plug into your phone, and it is wonderful, but am I really going to take that with me places. And, I'm not sure where I've put that keyboard right now. Also, with texting, I have a hard time knowing when to end the conversation, if it has turned into that. Isn't texting supposed to be short and sweet? I know I'm a large part of the problem, always thinking I need to respond to what someone has said. Julia, why didn't I know about the voice to text? Thank you.
ReplyDeleteOn phones we had growing up, we had a little telephone table (that was what it was made as) with a chair besides it. On top of the table was the quintessential 50s, 60s black table phone. On a shelf under the top is where you kept the phone book (remember those?). I now have that telephone table as my nightstand, as my father used it after the wall phones took over. And, you know I can't remember people calling at night at all. I rarely call anyone at night now, unless they've told me to.
Oh, spam calls. This last month must be when all the police, fire, and veteran groups make their donation calls. There are so many different ones, I can't possible keep count. I try not to answer numbers where no identifiable name is, but every once in a while there's an area code that gets my attention and I answer. I won't go into why, but it has never been anything but a donation or spam call.
I don't put my phone on DND. There have been too many important calls I've needed to know about when they call. At night, probably at least four nights a week, I put my phone on the Calm app on one of their sleep stories. The ones about train trips are my favorite, and Eric Braa is my favorite narrator.
I think I could live without a phone and its interruptions. My husband is the opposite. We had a land line at our Houston house and it drove me nuts. So many spam calls. No land line here and it is so peaceful! If my cell phone rings and I don't feel like talking or don't recognize the number I don't answer. Easy peasy. Leave a message.
ReplyDeleteIf I don't answer your call, please don't call again in 30 seconds to leave a voicemail telling me you called, then text me to tell me you left me a voicemail telling me you were trying to call me, then email me to tell me you texted me to tell me you left me a voicemail telling me you were trying to call me. I wish I was kidding. aprilbluetx at yahoo dot com
ReplyDeleteoh, my, Can't stop laughing...thanks, April! Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the etiquette, Julia. I've always been a phon-a-phobe. Mostly because my parents' line was really for business so the calls were not for us kids, and like you have to respond to someone as they speak to you! Texts are great for introverts and procrastinators.
ReplyDeleteI am very late to the conversation today and merely want chime in with 'hear hear' -- text first before calling; I want to hear my dinner companions at a restaurant; and text me anytime you like, but I may not respond.
ReplyDelete