HALLIE EPHRON: Today we’re thrilled
to welcome Tara Sidhoo Fraser.
I heard her read from her then work-in-progress, and had to seek her out after to tell her how moved I'd been by what she'd written. Now her book is out!
When My Ghost Sings: A Memoir of Stroke, Recovery and Transformation, is one part memoir. every bit a mystery.
Tara describes it as “an apology letter, a song of mourning.” It’s a moving and enthralling story, unlike anything that we’ve featured here on Jungle Red.
It's my pleasure to introduce you to Tara and her “ghost self”…
TARA SIDHOO FRASER: Seven years have passed since my stroke, which I had at the age of 32, however, it is her reckoning with I was still haunted by the murky memories of my previous life. Since I have published my story, others have referred to this form of memory haze as amnesia and I suppose that is the correct term. Though I was able to understand what some things were and most people’s names, many things were fuzzy. And, strangely, as memories did begin to surface, they were seen through someone else’s eyes-the person whose body I stole. I call this person Ghost.
The stroke, itself, was caused by a rare mutation in my brain. After surgery, my memory of self and my world were incredibly murky. I felt as though I was a different soul in another’s body.
To verbally express this was impossible for me but to write about it, felt safe. Through writing, I was given the opportunity to invite Ghost to speak. Together, we created a memoir of lucid exploration of amnesia, selfhood, and who is left behind when the past is obliterated.
When I began writing my memoir, it was merely the task to write out my feelings following the stroke. To experience my memories and to create an almost timeline of events.
However, once I began writing, my heart and Ghost had much more to express! Each morning, while it was still dark, I brewed coffee, set my musical playlist, and invited my Ghost to sing.
I fell into the madness of writing, many times carrying on from the wee hours of the morning to late afternoon. It felt as though, my ghost and I had formed a pact, to share her story. It was now my responsibility to complete this promise.
When My Ghost Sings: A Memoir of Stroke, Recovery and Transformation, is one part memoir. every bit a mystery.
Tara describes it as “an apology letter, a song of mourning.” It’s a moving and enthralling story, unlike anything that we’ve featured here on Jungle Red.
It's my pleasure to introduce you to Tara and her “ghost self”…
TARA SIDHOO FRASER: Seven years have passed since my stroke, which I had at the age of 32, however, it is her reckoning with I was still haunted by the murky memories of my previous life. Since I have published my story, others have referred to this form of memory haze as amnesia and I suppose that is the correct term. Though I was able to understand what some things were and most people’s names, many things were fuzzy. And, strangely, as memories did begin to surface, they were seen through someone else’s eyes-the person whose body I stole. I call this person Ghost.
The stroke, itself, was caused by a rare mutation in my brain. After surgery, my memory of self and my world were incredibly murky. I felt as though I was a different soul in another’s body.
To verbally express this was impossible for me but to write about it, felt safe. Through writing, I was given the opportunity to invite Ghost to speak. Together, we created a memoir of lucid exploration of amnesia, selfhood, and who is left behind when the past is obliterated.
When I began writing my memoir, it was merely the task to write out my feelings following the stroke. To experience my memories and to create an almost timeline of events.
However, once I began writing, my heart and Ghost had much more to express! Each morning, while it was still dark, I brewed coffee, set my musical playlist, and invited my Ghost to sing.
I fell into the madness of writing, many times carrying on from the wee hours of the morning to late afternoon. It felt as though, my ghost and I had formed a pact, to share her story. It was now my responsibility to complete this promise.
Photo by Kristine Cofsky
As mentioned, this novel is also an apology letter to Ghost. It is a memoir of her lived experiences as well as her own. It is also an apology letter to each lover during this time period.
Truly, writing this memoir was a way for Ghost to reach each person and bid farewell.
And while, this story is deeply personal, I know that for other people reading her memoir, it can ring truth and bring forth connection. Since publishing my memoir, I’ve been fortunate enough to share conversations with other people who have had similar experiences, either with someone they know or personally.
When My Ghost Sings: A Memoir of Stroke, Recovery and Transformation, is a mystery set in the liminal space of amnesia. It is a lyrical memoir of healing, a farewell letter, and an embracing/reclamation of selfhood. Publishing this book is such a gift because now, Ghost’s story will always exist and can never be forgotten.
HALLIE: Utterly fascinating. Wondering if any of our readers have had close encounters with amnesia, or sensed that you had a ghost self? As I read Tara's description, it made me think of that sense so many people have that they've had past lives. Food for thought.
This is so insightful, Tara, and, at the same time, both beautiful and frightening. It's difficult to imagine what it must be like to lose all memory of self, but there is no doubt that what followed is a journey filled with courage . . . .
ReplyDeleteIt really gives an extra dimension of meaning to the question:Who am I?
DeleteThank you, Joan. I am so grateful that I am able to write my story and share it with everyone.
DeleteTara, it is inspiring that you have been able to tell this story. It surely gives others hope.
ReplyDeleteI agree - the book is testimony to that.
DeleteI have since been meeting people who have shared a similar experience and it is incredibly connecting
DeleteCongratulations on getting this story written and share, Tara. What a thing you have been through.
ReplyDeleteI think the closest I've come to the past lives thing is that deja vu feeling of, "I've been here before" or "That [smell, sound, whatever] is familiar" when I can't come up with any logical reason for the feeling.
Maybe that's where all the "memories" I have that, upon closer inspection, appear to be fiction? Lol.
DeleteThough, it was strange. The memories that began to occur were seen from a different lens and I had no emotional attachment to them. It was as if they were not my own.
DeleteCongratulations for persevering on every level, Tara. You have quite the story to tell. I'm off to find it. Thank you for sharing your work here.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Amanda! I hope you enjoy.
DeleteWhat a blessing that writing gave you the chance to express something so difficult, Tara, and to come through it feeling healed. I'm moved by what you've described for us.
ReplyDeleteI know someone who was vacationing in Thailand when the 2009 tsunami hit, and she survived by climbing a tree and clinging to its branches for hours. The experience was transforming---she left her job and her home afterward and made a new life for herself. This is not what Tara is talking about, I know, just a case I'm familiar with of someone having a "before" and "after" self.
It's not precisely what Tara is talking about but it's definitely that transformative experience.
DeleteYes, Kim, what an experience!
DeleteYour story may well provide thoughts and answers to anyone who has suffered a mental or physical loss of past capabilities. That they are not alone in their experience.
ReplyDelete... Or simply aging.
DeleteThank you, Judy. I have had such a wonderful experience in meeting people and sharing similar stories. This book is very connecting in that sense.
DeleteTara, writing this book had to be healing and/or cathartic. I imagine it would make a world of difference in understanding, and accepting, how you had changed and been changed by such a traumatic experience. Writing can be such a gift in a circumstance like yours, a way to peel back the surface layers to find answers for yourself. I'm particularly intrigued by the apologies.
ReplyDeleteI do still feel a loss for the woman I was before the stroke. She died that day in November and as I (re)built myself I had to let her go. In a poetic sense and one that makes sense to me, I replaced the woman before the stroke. I told my story and hers from an emotional perspective. I am sorry, she lost her life very early and very suddenly.
DeleteWhat an interesting comment. How amazing that you have the ability to not just retell what happened but to tell it brilliantly in such a way that explores how our brain and body work.
DeleteThank you so much!
DeleteWhat a blessing for you and for us--your readers--that writing remained as an outlet for you after your stroke! I'll be searching for this book.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Flora! I do hope that you enjoy :)
DeleteThis is moving and inspiring, Tara, and I'm going to get a copy for my oldest brother, who suffered multiple strokes when he was in his mid-fifties. I know although he hasn't had that form of prior-self amnesia, he also experiences his life as if his pre-stroke self was one person, and his post-stroke self is another.
ReplyDeleteI truly hope that he connects. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteI felt like my dad was a living ghost after his stroke. It left him with aphasia and he was unable to write by hand or on emails. He was already very deaf so the stroke isolated him even more. My sweet husband's voice penetrated so Dad could hear him but in noisy places Frank would write him notes and comment on things or joke. Dad would react with a smile, a shake of the head, or a laugh. I started writing notes too so we could communicate as my voice was the wrong pitch for him to hear. Your use of "ghost" reminded me of my feelings about Dad after his stroke.
ReplyDeleteSuch a heartfelt story 💕 I’m sure he is so grateful for you and parts of him do connect
DeleteThanks for sharing that, Pat - your husband sounds like a sweetheart.
DeleteThis is absolutely fascinating. I have two very dear friends who've had strokes and one frequently asks when we're recounting memories if the event happened before or after her stroke. There is defintiely a ghost and a mourning after a stroke. I can't wait to read this book and share it with my friends. Thank you for writing When My Ghost Sings, Tara.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story, Jenn, I do hope that you and your friends enjoy the read.
DeleteTara, your book will help so many people feel validated in their ghosts they have. I'm so glad you wrote it all down and now it's a book. I got a bit weepy when you said the novel was an apology letter to Ghost and a chance for her to say farewell. With your situation, with the amnesia added in, you truly do have a before and after person. When my son was murdered six months ago, I also have a before and after person, but amnesia is not involved. I will never be the person I was before the deputy came to our door early one Sunday morning and told us our son had been shot and killed. I do hope your person you have become, Tara, has now found the peace that you so deserve. Your book is an important one, and sharing your pain will help so many others.
ReplyDeleteDear Kathy, I am so sorry for this awful loss. I agree with you. I think all traumatic, life changing instances have a before and after person. I am sending you love and gentle healing.
Delete