RHYS BOWEN: We have all been following Hank’s progress on what seems like the longest book tour ever. Smiling faces in every city, lots of copies of the book held up with the bookface, and already into a second printing. All good. All lovely.
Those of you who are aspiring or new authors long for the first real book tour. It seems so glamorous to fly to distant cities, to be met by a town car, driven to a very fancy hotel where you can order anything you like on room service, then to the event where adoring crowds are waiting for you then repeat the process the next day.
In some ways it is glamorous and lovely. I’m always overwhelmed when fans tell me they’ve come long distances to see me. I had one fan fly to Houston from New Orleans. Last year I met two ladies from Portland OR when I was signing in Scottsdale. “Are you here for spring training?” I asked. “No, just to see you,” they replied. Gob smacking.
But let me tell you that book tours quickly lose their glamor and appeal. For one thing the car comes around five am to make that flight to the next city. That lovely hotel room? You only see it after nine at night. And as for food… there is never a good time to eat. Five am too early for breakfast at the hotel. Five pm too early for dinner but after the event nine thirty is too late. So it’s a case of Starbucks at the airport then nuts and cheese in the carry on.
And sometimes absolute horror stories, like the time I was driven out of Houston, in August, to a radio station somewhere in the piney woods. Car dropped me off and left. The door is locked. I phoned their number. Nobody answered. I’m melting in the middle of nowhere. Temperature 101 degrees. I bang on door, call number again. After about fifteen minutes they pick up and I am admitted. She was alone there and on air and didn't hear me. Scary.
I’ve had plenty of others. Blizzard in Chicago. Room over event with band at hotel with music thumping until 2 am. Hair dryer doesn’t work and they haven’t sent up a replacement with ten minutes to go. Photo with store pig etc etc. I was trying to think of the worst and this one comes to mind. I fly into Denver after a snowstorm. Snow everywhere. Because I’m flying out really early next morning they have put me at a hotel near the airport. In the middle of snow covered fields. I was met by my escort who drives me to a zillion bookstores to sign then drops me off at hotel at 2:30 promising to pick me up again at 5;30. I go to the front desk.
“Where’s the coffee shop?” I asked.
“They closed at 2.”
“So you do room service?”
“No ma’am.”
“And is there anywhere to eat around here?” I look out onto snowy fields. Not a building in sight.
“Not really.”
“Then could you call me a cab, maybe?”
“Maybe..” she looks as if a cab isn’t likely to want to take one woman to a nearby food place. Then she adds, “We do have a hotel bus. I could drive you if you wait a minute.”
And so we set off in quite a large bus. At last I spot a miracle. The Golden Arches. We drive through the drive-through at McDonalds. I order a meal for myself and one for my driver. Saved.
So Reds, share your worst book tour experience!
HALLIE EPHRON: The true nightmare is arriving at a bookstore and finding they have none of your books. And … oops… they didn’t put you in their newsletter so it’s just you, the bookseller, a few empty chairs, and a pot-bellied pig the size of an overstuffed ottoman. THEN you go to your motel and the room smells funky. You walk across the street to a restaurant, sit at the bar, order a burger, and get to talking with a guy and his friend. When you’re walking home, the guy pulls up in front of you. He’s driving a Ford pickup and blocking you so you can’t cross the street.
“Need a ride?,” he asks.
Cue scary music.
RHYS: You've encountered the pig too, Hallie! I was with Lyn Hamilton and when we left she grabbed my arm and said, "We're going to get a large order of spare ribs!"
JENN McKINLAY: OMG, Hallie!!! I think you have a wonderful opener for a horror novel there. EEK!
For me, book tours are only fun if I’m going with a group of fellow authors. I’ve been very lucky that my publisher has sent me on a few of these multi author excursions (ALA’s annual conference and surrounding area bookstores of wherever we are being my absolute favorites). It’s a blast because not only do you get to meet readers and librarians but you get to have a gal pal trip added to the mix. Shenanigans!
Some of my absolute best memories are of being in the middle of a Texas book tour and finding the best Czech pastries - kolaches!!! - or having a writer buddy drag me out of our hotel to hop in a cab and drive to a look off where I could see the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time IRL. Amazing!
RHYS: Jenn, I've had such fun touring with other authors. I really miss that.
LUCY BURDETTE: OMG Hallie, I’m never going on book tour again! Agree with Jenn, write this! I’ve never had a publisher setting up a book tour for me, so I’ve gotten very picky about what I put my energy in. Built-in crowds like my recent Friends of the Bonita Springs Library lunch are my very favorite. Although Jenn, I will go anywhere with you!
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: On, my gosh. Where to start. A mixture of absolutely glorious joy and real glamor and truly grueling exhausting travel. As Rhys says,I’ve just come back from essentially six weeks on the road, sometimes with four events a day.
I learned to order one of those little bottles of wine on the plane, but NOT DRINK IT and stash it in my bag. Then buy a big sandwich as I leave each airport, have half the sandwich for lunch in my hotel (where the only option is a fridge in the lobby of buyable frozen chicken potpies and bad tortillas,), and the other half for dinner along with the hoarded wine. SO glam! Once I had to Uber to a Panera. Once I got dinner at Wegmans.
One place I stayed was a B&B which was gorgeous but where the television changed channels without me touching the remote. They just—changed.
Or when I dragged myself back to the room, happy but exhausted after a wonderful event, looking forward to the leftover sandwich and hoarded wine. SO TIRED! But the key card would not work.
I dragged myself back downstairs to the desk.
“Help,” I said, as I handed over the dead card. “My key card is demagnetized, can you fix it?”
The desk clerk looked at it. Did not pick it up. “Ma’am, this is a Hyatt key.”
Me, SO tired. “I KNOW, and it doesn't work in my door.”
Clerk: “Understandable. This hotel is a Hilton.”
And I am now losing my voice entirely. And I would not trace it for anything. I adored every minute, even the bleak and lonely ones. Because I am so lucky.
JULA SPENCER-FLEMING: Wait, wait - can we rewind? Rhys… a photo with the store PIG? I want to hear more about that! (RHYS: Hallie met it too. Giant hairy pig that drooled over my shoes).
I agree with Jenn - the most fun I’ve had on book tour has been with other authors, but my WORST experience was also a joint endeavor. Back in the early aughts, the amazing Denise Hamilton and I combined forces and budgets for our “Murdering Mommies” tour - which stretched a total of 9 weeks.
We were in Portland, OR (or as I call it, the second Portland) and were super excited to have been booked into a Powell’s store - the second biggest one, in the Cedar Crossing mall. Huge, right? We picked up our rental car and hit the road; we had a mid-day talk and signing at a small store that went smashingly, then we drove around signing stock, and then time for our big event!
These were the days BEFORE smart phones, and Denise was navigating via the elaborate directions my publicist had printed out and mailed us. I’m following her instructions, but instead of leading out to suburbia, I’m weaving my way through densely populated area. At one point, the speed dropped to 25, and the road had tiny roundabouts to make sure we couldn’t accelerate to hit the children Big Wheeling in the street.
We finally arrived at a tiny store. We are utterly confused. We go in to see a handful of early-twenties kids, all bent over books or laptops. The manager, who is also about 20, was happy to see us. “We’re the university store,” he says, “we just opened! I wondered why they wanted you to sign here.”
There are three hardcover and five paperbacks for Denise. There are five hardcover and three paperbacks for me. The signing takes less that four minutes. None of the students even looks up at us. The manager offers us each a complimentary pumpkin muffin.
As we walk to the rental, Denise veers off toward the trunk. “What are you doing?” I said.
"Seeing if someone left a weapon. I’m about to go on a rampage.”
RHYS: Julia, I think we've all had that store where nobody came. It's humiliating, humbling and probably good for us.
DEBORAH CROMBIE: Oh, wow, Hank, just gobsmacked!! So not funny at all! Other than that, I have to agree on the pal tours. Many of my favorite book tour memories are of tours and events with Charles and Caroline Todd. We were not only friends but big fans of the other's books and that made it really easy for the joint talks.
But the hotel rooms, early flights, no food–it all can be pretty grueling. I think Hank is Wonder Woman!
HANK: Oh, well, touring with a pal. Huh. Once I did that, she wasn't a pal, but assigned by a publicist. We had a fine time, all good, three days together on the road with three events a day. So you can imagine how often we heard what the other would say.
On the last event of the last day, she got up to give her stump biography–”where did you grow up and how did it inspire your writing”--and SHE GAVE MINE INSTEAD. Word for word, MINE.Later, I heard she thought it was a completely hilarious thing to do.
I did not agree.
RHYS: So now you know the secrets of our not-so-glamorous life. Just when we feel pretty good about ourselves we have one of these humbling experiences. Like when I was in a huge limo and the driver asked if I'd like to stop for a coffee. He went to get me one. So many people saw the limo. Came up to it. Who is it? Excited. Looked at me. Oh.
Any more stories to share about book signings?