JENN McKINLAY: Hub and I are playing league volleyball again - it’s been a few years. We play with three other couples, who are all dear friends, but the one thing we learned from prior years was that marrieds need to be separated on the court – as in Hub and I can’t play side by side nor can the other marrieds.
Why? Because one spouse is usually more competitive than the other and things can get tetchy when a ball lands between us and we either collide to hit it or it dies in the dirt between us because no one called it (that’d be me, I’m commitmentphobic on my best day so calling the ball is a struggle for me).
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| Geriatric Volleyball Team - LOL |
In our partnership, Hub is the more competitive one but he’s nowhere near what I would call aggressive. I’m not competitive at all and tend to laugh when things go awry as they invariably do on a team of people all in their fifties. Unsurprisingly, I spend a lot of time picking myself up out of the sand.
Now I am competitive when it comes to my profession. I know the competition is me against myself and whatever book I wrote last, but still I feel it all the way to my bones. Each book has to be better than the last in a given series and I try really hard to make it so. That’s about the only time I feel that locked in, single-minded, aggressive, I-must-crush-this-book feeling all the way to my core, which feels appropriate since it’s my job. But in all other aspects of my life…meh.
How about you, Reds? Are you competitive?
HALLIE EPHRON: What a loaded question!!
I married the one man who was able to beat me at jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, and ping pong. I refused to play Scrabble with him because he SO good he left me in the dust after the first move. Though I was better at bridge.
And I love playing on a team. Volleyball here, too! I’m best at receiving a serve and setting it up so another player can spike it over the net (I cannot jump worth a damn)... and I play to win and get pissy when I don’t.
And in writing, like Jenn, I’m competitive with myself. Very.
JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I think I need to be more competitive when it comes to my writing. Maybe that would get me producing more regularly!
I’m not competitive in games and sports, I enjoy them for the time spent with friends and family. I do confess to getting a little, uh, aggressive when driving. It’s a bad habit I’m trying to break… but don’t cut me off and then start driving slower than I was before!!!
I wonder if birth order has something to do with competitiveness? My sister Barb, the middle child, is VERY competitive - a great thing for her clients (she’s a Realtor.) On the other hand, I am the oldest, and perhaps was a little too comfortable with being first in everything.
LUCY BURDETTE: Darn it! I can’t believe I didn’t answer this first! Just to say, yes I’m competitive. Definitely with myself and my work. I am deep into a long mystery series and I try very hard not to coast, ever, and so it thrills me to read a review line like this one: “Each book is better than the previous one which really seems impossible but is true.” Kathy A, Netgalley reviewer
I’m competitive about games and sports too. I love to win but I also really hate losing. When I used to play USTA tennis, this would tie my poor brain in knots. “We’re ahead, but can we hold onto the lead” and so on. I’m #2 of 4 in my family and I think Jula’s comment about birth order might hold some merit.
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I’m more competitive than any of you. Ha. I tried to get ALL of the Girl Scout badges, even trying to see if I could get “beekeeper” without dealing with bees. I am a terrible athlete, so stay on the sidelines, where you can’t lose. No volleyball for me. Yikes, I cannot even imagine. I am a complete and total klutz.
But early on with Jonathan, he asked if I wanted to play Scrabble,
Oh, sure, I guess, I said, all innocent. Thinking: ha, buster, wait til you see what’s gonna happen now.
He KILLED me. So badly that in the middle of the game, I took hold of the board, shook it ,and said “oh, It must be an earthquake.” End of Scrabble in this family.
But I will play any word game, any time.
In other parts of my life, I am probably unhealthily devoted to winning. It works, though, in writing where I am constantly constantly trying to get better. I love that, I relish it, I look forward to it–can I be better? I raise the bar every day.
(And oh, I’m the oldest.)
RHYS BOWEN: I too am the oldest, and super competitive. Like Hank I tried for every Girl Guide badge I could think of, including some I knew nothing about. I still recall swinging that enormous flag to try to pass my semaphore badge and nearly knocking over the judge! I have always played tennis, for my school, then college and then some league although i didn’t enjoy that (too serious). I had to give up when I got a collapsed disc between my shoulder blades, but I still play a mean game of ping pong.
And I’ve created an ultra competitive family: you should see card and board games at our house, and everyone plays all kinds of sports. All competitive swimmers. Two of my kids were division one athletes (Jane a two time All-American!) and now two granddaughters are division 1 athletes. And my other grandkids are black belt in karate.
And in my work.. I keep pushing myself every moment. I could obviously retire gracefully and live a good life, but I can’t stop working. It’s just how I am. And checking to see who is above me in the Amazon bestseller lists! And worrying in case the next book doesn’t do as well as the last. Oh, and I play a mean game of Scrabble. I’ll take on Jonathan one day.
DEBORAH CROMBIE: Oh, am I last??? I guess that answers that, and I think the birth order nailed it as well. I am the baby. My brother was ten years older and an absolute genius at everything. Brilliant at math and engineering, great at the sports he liked, really, you name it, he could do it. There was no way I could ever compete. That said, I HATE losing at Scrabble, and I might have to kill over Trivial Pursuit or a pub quiz….
JENN: Like Debs, I'm the youngest. I wonder if that's why I'm not as competitive - everyone was always older than me and got to do everything first! Wah!!!
How about you, Readers? How competitive are you?
I love this glimpse into your lives, competition-wise! I'm 3rd out of 4 in my family. Yes, I earned a sashful of girl scout badges. I wanted more club memberships next to my name than anyone in the high school yearbook and came close. I make sure to get my 10-14k steps in every day. And I work super hard at my writing. Of course I feel the sting when this book doesn't get nominated for an award or that one doesn't sell as well as hoped. At the same time, I celebrate my friends' books that do!
ReplyDeleteHugh and I play cribbage every afternoon and are competitive, except sometimes ya just lose. Like others, I have a Scrabble champion in the family - my older son - but he's fun to play with. I never played much team sports. I did run and finish the Boston Marathon (on a charity number, finishing in a sizzling 5 hours, 16 minutes) - 26 years ago today! But that was competing with myself.
I do enjoy competing with myself the most - I don't enjoy beating other people. I think it's the pleaser in me.
DeleteNope . . . I strive to do my best at whatever I'm doing [and I do like to win at Scrabble] but I wouldn't describe myself as being the least bit competitive . . . .
ReplyDeleteYou're my people, Joan!
DeleteI'm the oldest and not at all competitive, although I did try to get all the Girl Scout badges.
ReplyDeleteI suspect you like to finish what you start, Dru.
DeleteI don't like to compete, at all. I like many games and enjoy the athleticism of sports, but don't make it competitive.
ReplyDeleteIt may very well have to do with childhood, although birth order can be part of it, being bullied as a child might also be a part of it. I even have trouble watching sports if I care about who wins. Not healthy. Next topic.
Yes! I have to leave the room if the score is close and my team is in peril. LOL.
DeleteInteresting question. Other than trying to continually improve my writing, I don't think I'm competitive. As for birth order, I'm the youngest, but since my only sibling is 16 years older than I am, I grew up as an only child. I have no idea what that means about competition though.
ReplyDeleteThat's interesting, Annette. An only child but not really...hmm.
DeleteI coached youth basketball for 25 years. So yes I'm competitive.
ReplyDeleteI can see that, Jay. LOL.
DeleteI am the 4th of 5 and not very competitive. I've always been reasonably athletic but I've never cared about it for myself, despite being married to one athlete and parent of another. Nor am I a big games person. Once on vacation about twenty years ago I asked my brother-in-law to teach me how to play Scrabble. He declined, saying casually, "You wouldn't give me a game." I was shocked and despite being in my forties at the time, wanted to snap, "I got a near perfect score on the verbal SAT!" (I didn't say anything -- and yes, I understand that having a large vocabulary and being able to spell does not mean you will play well.) I suspect I bow out of most competition as a self-protective maneuver, as I have a very harsh internal critic. However, it's also true that I worked in a middle boarding school for forty years and when you care about all the children, it becomes painfully clear that in competitions, whenever one wins, another loses. I preferred the activities where we were all working together. Luckily, at our school, there were many. (Selden)
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Selden. I hate that someone has to lose. Why? Phooey.
DeleteI thought I was not very competitive (with the exception of games) until I was part of a Portland-to-Coast relay team for a number of years. That desire to catch up and pass other walkers (aka count many road kills) was really strong! I'm sort of the middle child and sort of first born--one minute younger than my twin,
ReplyDeleteSometimes it just bubbles up. I feel that.
DeleteI don't think I am very competitive - but I hate to lose. I enjoy playing dominoes, but not if we are keeping score. The winner is the one who goes out first. But my former husband and I obsessively loved to play the board game Aggravation. We were pretty well matched but I had to keep an eagle eye on him or he would cheat. We were both first-born.
ReplyDeleteFor years my friends and I played cut throat Aggravation. So fun
DeleteI've never played Aggravation - must look for it.
DeleteHa ha, yes I am super competitive in many things
ReplyDeleteNot being a gifted athlete, I pushed myself to win a rare all-round athletic badge in junior high school. That meant doing sports I wasn't good at but needed to join in.
And I am compete with myself when playing the daily NYTimes Spelling Bee & Connections. I won't stop until I reach "genius" level in the first game. As for Murdle, I usually solve both daily online puzzles but I need to get a fast solve time. I usually solve the mini Murdle in under 2 minutes. The full version grid varies in complexity but I aim to solve it within 4-8 minutes.
Murdle.com
Thank you for the URL. I think. I was reading your post and thinkin Murdle ? Murdle?, I don’t know about this. And then I thought… do I want to?
DeleteSorry, not sorry, if I get you (and others) hooked on playing another daily online game!
DeleteMurdle? Had to look it up. I can't quite figure out how to play it, but it looks like fun so I will keep reading up on how the game is played and how you use the clues to solve the crime.
DeleteGrace - any tips you can pass on?
I discovered that trying to play Murdle on my phone is an exercise in frustration. The screen is just too small. And I rarely use my computer so I don’t think to play there. Doing my taxes this time of year was enough for me not want to use the computer for some time.
DeletePAT: i agree it's too hard to play Murdle on a phone. You would have to toggle between the clues, grid and your notebook. I play it on my Samsung tablet while traveling & my laptop when I'm home.
DeleteANON: Use the provided clues to ID the location of the murder. Today, it was the moat. Marl that in the notebook. Use the other clues to figure out where each suspect is located and which weapon he/she has & mark those in the notebook. You can ask for hints if you are stumped.
DeleteAlso, best to play the mini murdle (tutorial) mode first.
Ooh, now I have to look for Murdle.
DeleteI'm the oldest of three, but only competitive about very special things: how does she grow dahlias when mine die every year? She writes from nine different points of view. How can she be a pantzer? My husband and I played mixed doubles tennis in Atlanta...with different partners on different teams. It was just easier that way.
ReplyDeleteYour tennis rotation sounds very wise.
DeleteI don’t think I am competitive, but I might be. Sports don’t interest me, but my last son was a great runner. 1500M. Often he lapped his competitors and then sat down for tea! Spragged his legs and so ended that. Other kids – boring to the point that they could watch paint dry and not get up.
ReplyDeleteI do like to up my last effort, especially in cooking, but that might be just because I get bored, or maybe I didn’t have the right ingredients the first time, or who knows why. I do try to out-do last year’s garden, but that may be a gluttony thing more than competitive. My sister has to be the first, biggest, most, get-it-before-anyone-else-can person (the sick one – she can be first in that should she want!) She claims it was hard being the 2nd in birth order to me, as I never wanted to do anything first, and so she had to plow a deeper furrow.
I did get the most of the Girl Guide badges – still have them!
Upping the last effort is an excellent way to look at it, Margo.
DeleteI'm the oldest of four and I like to think I'm not that competitive - writing aside - but I won't play a game where I have zero chance of winning, so maybe I am? It's not that I hate losing so much, but to have NO CHANCE is galling. That is simply not fun.
ReplyDeleteI get that. I don't need to be the sacrifice. LOL.
DeleteWe played games growing up, Scrabble, Clue, Monopoly (ugh!) and some card games, mostly fun with an edge of competition. Mom told me, late in her life, that she didn't LIKE cards, but thought it was good for us kids, learning numbers and such. Sports weren't for me, and after a volleyball broke my glasses, my game changed to run from the ball (I was conscious of the cost of glasses and felt bad about it). I once said that I thought each side should have its own football so they wouldn't fight, to the horror and amusement of my students. I was very motivated by grades, determined to get a scholarship to become a teacher.
ReplyDeleteI love that, Mary. It would be more interesting if there were two balls. LOL.
DeleteI'm competitive against myself. Always tried to do better--and was honestly shocked that I was valedictorian in high school. It never occurred to me that there was a competition for that honor. No sports--too klutzy and a horror of a gym teacher. Later I took up running. I play word games but not against other people. Play board games and my 8-year-old grandnephew regularly beats the pants off me at Parcheesi--he's very competitive and great at strategy.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a nice balance, Flora.
DeleteOkay, Jenn and Debs, I'm here to blow your theory out of the water - or be the exception that proves the rule. I am the second only child in my family - my brother was nine years older than I. I am uber competitive. Always have been. And I beat myself up when I lose! It started young. I learned to read at 2, and I never used double runner ice skates or training wheels on my bike. Flat our refused them. Good thing I was tough!
ReplyDeleteBlowing the only child theory out of water (wink)…super uncompetitive here… easier to loose than hear “just because you’re a spoiled only child, you can’t expect to win.” Scars from playground taunts are long and deep. Elisabeth
DeleteYes, indeed, Kait. You were tough. I love it.
DeleteI think being competitive must be wired into us, i.e. the desire to be productive and do well and to be noticed and rewarded.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just started playing online Scrabble. I did fantastically well against either the computer or someone else online. I can't tell. Searching around online I noticed that various Scrabble games vary so it is confusing.
Every morning I play Wordle, Connections, Jumble. I am slightly competitive if my husband is playing Jumble to get the puzzle completed first. I also enjoy doing Will Shortz' NPR Puzzler.
I love the Crosswords but I am so terrible. I think part of doing something well is practice so I push on...
Practice is certainly key.
DeleteI don’t think I am competitive. Maybe while playing games or doing jigsaw puzzles with a friend I am, but I don’t think I am usually competitive. As many before me have already said, I compete against myself. I just tried to complete today’s Connections game and got only one category right. I kind of said to myself, “Oh well” and moved on. — Pat S
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I'm very good at shrugging off game losses. I'm just not that tied to the outcome.
DeleteOldest child here, and not at all competitive. In fact, if there is a competition of any kind I slide silently away. Too much conflict in my childhood, I suspect. My husband is the youngest in his family, and he is the same way. He played football in high school, and he says he mainly played for the physicality of the sport. We have a friend who tries to make everything a competition, and I finally told him, after hearing an endless story about his latest special, whooptydo Rolex, that I'm happy for him, but after knowing me for 45 years, how is it possible he doesn't know I am unimpressed?
ReplyDeleteMy three daughters, though, are SUPER competitive. With each other, and with themselves, and in all their endeavors. How did that happen?
Interesting, Karen. I wonder why your daughters are when you and your hub aren't. Fascinating.
DeleteI was very competitive as a child, mainly with my big brother. But it stayed with me all through school until one day I decided life would be easier if I wasn't always competing. So I turned off that switch and sure enough, life is easier.
ReplyDeleteVery wise, Pat D. I did that with my worry switch. Turned it off and now I rarely worry about things.
DeleteHANK: "It works, though, in writing where I am constantly constantly trying to get better."
ReplyDeleteYEP! I love your statement Hank. Winning doesn't just happen as there is always someone who is better. But IMHO it is the one who is constantly trying who ends up better off in the long run.
So true!
DeleteI'm not super competitive much of the time. If I'm playing in a league, I will try harder, but if it is a pick up game of something or just for fun, I'm more about having fun than I am about beating anyone or even myself from last time.
ReplyDeleteI'm more about the fun, too!
DeleteI was competitive when I was younger. Getting into the best college pretty much defined my high school goals. I like to win board games, but can handle losing. I think winning is more a matter of knowing I was the best at that moment in time.
ReplyDeleteNow that I’m old and retired, I’ve become much more easygoing. I no longer feel the need to correct people when they’re wrong, as long as no harm is being done. But I still am thrilled when I know the answer to Final Jeopardy and all the contestants missed it.
LOL - I like that you know yourself so well, Pat.
DeleteSo interesting reading about everyone's family placement! Who knows what all goes into people's make up? I think my daughter, an only, somehow inherited all of my brother's super competive/driven genes...
ReplyDeleteLOL. You just never know.
DeleteI'm not competitive these days, but back in my younger days of high school and college, I was definitely on the high end of academic competitiveness. If I received only a 99 out of 100 on a test, I wanted to know if anyone got 100. Anything other than an A in a class was unacceptable, and, fortunately, I was a straight A student. I was determined to be valedictorian in high school and was. I made two Bs in college, which were rather upsetting, but I made them when I took three college classes the summer between my junior and senior years in high school. I had an English/writing teacher in my senior year of high school who I should have had before I took any college courses. Oh, and when I earned my Masters in my late 40s, early 50s, I had to have straight As and did. So, I guess my competitive nature kicks in when it's anything academic. Games I mostly play for the fun, but I particularly like games where luck or roll of the dice determines a winner and not strategy. The most competitive game player I've ever known was my mother-in-law, especially with the game Aggravation. She and my father-in--law had a friend couple with whom they played Aggravation and cards, usually Spades, for years, and MIL was at the top of her game always. They played in teams, the wives against the husbands, so after my FIL died and we children and grandchildren played, we also played in pairs. My MIL was the best but also the worst, because if you were her partner, she would want to guide you on your moves, and did I mention she really didn't like losing. My sister-in-law's husband finally refused to play the game anymore after one particularly severe lashing from my MIL about his moves as her partner. My husband inherited a lot of the game competitiveness, so we rarely play games. I play when we go to my daughter's house, but we have more fun than competition. Oh, during Covid, I thought my husband and I could do puzzles together, as hearing about you, Hallie, and Jerry having fun doing them. I found out rather quickly that my husband had an internal clock that was ticking away and urging him to win at that, too. So, the puzzle idea fizzled. I do wish I had someone who enjoyed playing games just for fun more often
ReplyDeleteOh, I was the youngest in my family.
DeleteMy Hub is more competitive than me, and when I smoked him in pool (I'm pretty good), it took him a beat to be a gracious loser. LOL.
DeleteDiana here: Speaking of sports, I am more about fun. I am not a fan of “winners losers” type of sports.
ReplyDeleteSame!!!
DeleteOldest child and only girl in my neighborhood growing up. I love to win but was socialized to hide my glee and also hate to see those who try hard never win win. As a Libra maybe it is some fairness thing or just that I am a Cubs fan and learned that losing is not worth being miserable over if you love the game. I'm old enough to have learned to play basketball when there was that stupid 3 dribble limit (I think they believed to much exertion would ruin your ovaries)--but that changed when I was in college and I LOVED being able to play volley ball and basketball on a team and win, especially when the odds were against you and you still won! And I've loved seeing women's basketball rise to global interest now. Healthy competition and playing on a team can be a joy!
ReplyDelete