Lucy’s Tom Sawyer Garden by John Brady

LUCY BURDETTE: Read on, you'll see that today's blog needs no introduction!

JOHN BRADY AKA MR. TOP RETIREMENTS: When Lucy and I moved into our first house together 30 some years ago, it didn’t take long before she announced that we were going to have to have a garden, just like she used to have in her natural woman days in Tennessee. The new back yard was sunny, so we dug up a spot and got busy. She was insistent that it was going to be organic - manure and compost, but no chemicals of any kind. She chose plants like chard, radishes and tomato plants. We had a pretty good garden in no time, and even started an asparagus patch. That was one of our biggest successes because it not only tasted unlike anything you can buy, but it comes back up year after year. The chard was a big hit with our two guinea pigs, Tommy Moe and Chubby Checkers. The zucchini was so prolific that the kids drew the limit: no more zucchini boats! No more zucchini anything!

Then twenty five years ago we moved down the street to our current home. By that time Lucy had me hooked like Tom Sawyer, so we went through the same garden process again, including a new asparagus patch. One development I started noticing was that the master organic gardener’s enthusiasm seemed to be flagging a bit. Yes, each spring she was the driving force behind selection of plants from the nursery and seeds in vast quantities. But Lucy‘s appearances in the garden, particularly for digging and weeding, grew more and more into cameos. 

If I couldn’t count on Lucy for weeding, I was enjoying what she did with what was coming out of our plot.  One of the best successes was our bountiful cucumbers. Using skills from her days in Tennessee, we turned countless cucumbers into delicious bread and butter pickles. Another skill from her old southern days was okra. She found a variety that could thrive in Connecticut,  and we enjoyed those rounds dipped in batter and fried. Tomatoes, green beans, and beets were mainstays as well. The butternut squash not only thrived, but it actually climbed over the fence into the driveway. For some reason having to do with our soil, eggplant and lettuce pretty much refused to grow.

All is Not Well - Huns and Pestilence

But all is not well in our little garden of Eden. You might have a vision of coastal Connecticut as a fairly benign place. In fact, it is a dangerous, hostile environment, one where vegetative predators roam like the desperadoes of the old west.  Anxious to protect our hard earned crops, even the calmest person could turn into an obsessive-compulsive mess.   

Rabbits were the first destructive force we found. To counteract them we paid for a beautiful fence around the entire plot. Unfortunately, the devastation to our plants continued. Finally, we noticed a series of holes in the fence - it was made out of plastic, and our little bunnies just just chewed through it to enjoy the all you can eat buffet. A new, more expensive, wire fence ensued, 

After a season of feeling safe behind our new fort walls, more devastation returned. When you go to the garden in the morning and see that the crop that you were so proud of the night before is now a row of of plants clear cut about 2 inches above the ground, you are hosting a new friend, the woodchuck.  Otherwise known as a groundhog, Phil might be popular in Punxsutawney, but his cousin Woody is certainly not welcome in our garden.

Then there is the problem of raccoons, At age 25, our wonderful asparagus plants are starting to peter out. So last spring I researched the perfect replacement variety for our Connecticut plot. I followed the instructions carefully, digging deep, preparing the soil with topsoil, compost, and of course, organic fertilizer. Over the summer I weeded and gradually covered the young asparagus shoots with soil to get them back to ground level. About that time I noticed the asparagus was getting nipped off, but some managed to survive. I had high hopes that what would emerge in the spring would justify my many hours of backtracking labor. 

Returning from Florida last month I saw asparagus spears emerging from the ground in a few spots - hurrah! That joy didn’t last long, however,  as each day another spear was gnawed off about an inch off the ground. Desolation and desperation followed.

Lucy has been following what ensued with wry amusement. Since she refuses to sit in the garden all night with a shotgun, all of my compulsive urges have kicked in. I constructed cages around all the remaining plants from stakes and netting. I sprinkled cayenne pepper and coffee grinds around the plants. 

Then I bought a battery operated video camera with motion detector, hoping to find the perpetrator. After about a week, I discovered via a grainy video who the culprit is - a young raccoon. Somehow Rocky has figured out how to climb over 4 foot tall fence (topped with additional bird netting) to enjoy the feast. 

Hope springs eternal.  I ordered 25 more asparagus roots and planted them this week, hoping that my latest protections can keep Rocky a bay. Along with them, I ordered wire panels that I intend to circle around each plant. 

At this point Lucy has confirmed that I fit at least one description in her old psychiatric reference tome. But she only draws the line at violence. Since trapping or shooting are out, this sheriff welcomes any suggestions on how we can maintain the peace in the wild West of this Connecticut garden.

John Brady is Lucy's adorable and funny husband and the creator of Top Retirements, his website crammed with advice for baby boomers thinking about the how and where of retirement. Here's an article about his retirement with a Q and A about yours.