JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: We've been talking about what happens in June and what it means to us, and I need to add the month has a very special place in our family. No, it's not a marriage or a birthday (I'm spending mine getting physical therapy! Woo hoo!) It's because this month my two oldest children celebrate their soberversaries.
A soberversary, is, if you haven't run across the term, the annual commemoration of embracing sobriety. (The T in sobriety is probably why I keep saying soberversity, which, Victoria points out, sounds like a college where no one drinks. Or maybe I'm too fond of the letter T; after reading the chilling One Second After, I told my husband we were in danger from EMTs, instead of EMPs. I still get ribbed about that one.)
This June 1st, Victoria celebrated her sixth year of being sober, complete with a cake from her girlfriend and an appointment with a tattoo artist - she got her first tattoo after one year and has been keeping the tradition ever since. (No, I don't worry about it. By the time she looks like The Illustrated Man, I'll be toes-up.)
And on June 13th, the whole family is excited to see the Sailor get his bronze chip from AA, marking one year of sobriety. I think one of the reasons he responded so well to AA is the chip thing - he's very competitive. AA figured out how to gamify abstinence decades before the rest of the culture.
I never expected to be the mother of two alcoholics, and I'm more grateful than I can say they both stopped drinking in their twenties. I have a family member who didn't, and the toll decades of alcohol take on the body appalling. I'm also grateful neither left any unrecoverable mistakes behind when they quit drinking - no broken marriages, messed up kids or, God forbid, fatal car accidents.
It's a truism you can't make an alcoholic stop drinking, not even if you are a mother with a really stern look and a withering way of saying, "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed." I know I'm lucky that both my kids had the same road-to-Damascus moment, waking up and saying, "This is it. No more." Victoria says her plan each morning is, "Don't drink today." The Sailor goes with the more traditional "One day at a time." So far, it's working well for both of them.
Both of them found substitutes for drinking, which, if you're getting drunk more or less daily, does take up quite a bit of your life. Like a noxious hobby, I suppose.
Victoria walks her dogs up to two hours a day, collects scented candles (her house is like a Yankee Candle store) and treats herself to expensive coffee and fruity seltzer. The Sailor started working out daily, to the point where he now resembles a short version of Chris Evans playing Captain America. (If he gets any bigger, he's going to look like a very pale version of The Hulk.) He drinks cheap coffee and sugar-free Gatorade.
Oh, and for those of you wondering about Youngest? She plans to avoid any problems by never starting. Being a teetotaler hasn't harmed her social or dating life, which does make me wonder why we all seem to think it's so fundamental for both of those pursuits.
So, dear readers, lift a (fizzy, fruity, nonalcoholic) glass to June, to sobriety, and to the power of each one of us to wake up and change our lives for the better.
Worried about your drinking? Wondering where to get information? NIAAA is a good first step.
Congratulations on their soberversary to Victoria and to the Sailor . . . .
ReplyDeleteThank you, Joan!
DeleteJulia, congratulations to your amazing children, and to you. Those are huge hurdles and you must be so proud of how they've handled very very difficult paths.
ReplyDeleteI am, Lucy, I am.
DeleteJulia, congratulations to all three of your wonderful children. Our society puts a lot of social pressure on us to hold a glass of something. I don't know why alcohol can become a problem for some and not for others, nor why some can truly give it up and others never can. Soberversary. It's a good time to count your blessings.
ReplyDeleteIt is. It's a gift for the whole family, not just the sober person.
DeleteHappy soberversary to Victoria and the Sailor and a big cheer to the Youngest for avoiding the need for one. Julia, you've got three great kids.
ReplyDeleteI know I do, Annette, and I'm grateful for them.
DeleteCongratulations to both of them! Getting sober isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteRight? I couldn't even keep my resolution not to eat any chocolates during Lent!
DeleteCongrats to the kids and their proud mom!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Margaret!
DeleteCongratulations, to Julia and your kids! Very good to hear.
ReplyDeleteThank, Anon!
DeleteCongratulations to all in your family. To the children who are choosing healthy living choices (walking, gym work -not drinking) to the youngest who learned by example. To you Julia, who voluntarily kept a sober house during the early days. Newly sober during a pandemic, how challenging that must have been.
ReplyDeleteI was drawn to your series because you have used addiction, in particular alcoholism as a running theme. When working with clients, I used your books to serve as a spring board to their recovery. The series belongs in every Episcopal church library.
My friends in JRW's know my recovery journey ~~ a long path of growth one day at a time. Society's views on addiction have gotten better; it still takes guts and grit to make it to the next 5 minutes some days. Very well done. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Coralee. I agree we've come a long way, but there's still a long road to go. It's hard for people to see addiction as another form of mental illness, rather than a failure of willpower or morality.
DeleteI feel much the same way about the impact your books have had as Coralee. Lots of alcoholics in my family, some of whom are in recovery. You write so sensitively and movingly about what brings people to the bottom of the bottle (liquid or pills) and how they fight back. Bravo. And to your kids, I congratulate them and hope that for the rest of their lives they keep celebrating these important anniversaries.
DeleteI'm going to make my first cuppa Yorkshire Gold and I will raise it to sobriety and to your kids! Well done, mama! Like Coralee, I love the way you wrote about addiction in your books --Clare's struggles really demonstrate the excuses we make to continue destructive behavior.
ReplyDeleteGillian, I think it was Victoria who told me, "There are any number of reasons to drink, and only one reason to stop."
DeleteCongratulations to Victoria and Sailor, Julia, it's a hard road to walk--my family has alcoholism on both sides. I desperately wanted a crutch in my younger days, but I knew that if I started, it would be an easy slide to dependency. So, I drank sparingly or not at all and even with a glass of plain old ice water, managed to have good times with family and friends. And I know how hard it is to be on the sidelines--because two young people I love are struggling right now. So congratulations, Mama Julia, for being a supportive, loving parent, and to Youngest, she's a smart cookie to abstain.
ReplyDeleteFlora, alcoholism definitely runs in the family - their dad and his brother both had to deal with drinking to excess.
DeleteHear, hear! Congratulations to the family, for all the reasons above. It's a tough row to hoe, but really worth the effort. It's wonderful to see younger people, in particular, stopping what can be a lifelong trajectory.
ReplyDeleteMy family has been torn apart by generational alcoholism, it informed my childhood, and later was instrumental in my brother's suicide 20 years ago. I worry about several family members and younger friends today, too, and know exactly what you mean by the stern looks, etc., Julia. Far too many social occasions revolve around alcohol, and societal pressures to imbibe are hard to resist. Which makes it even more of a reason to celebrate soberversaries. Soberly.
Karen in Ohio, thank you for sharing. A relative was orphaned as a child because the parents died in their 30s. The parents were alcoholics. That child grew up never drinking.
DeleteThank you, Anon. Alcohol can cause such tragedy.
DeleteJulia, suggestion for a future blog post: Mocktails.
I love mocktails! Great idea, Karen.
DeleteFrom Celia: Julia I think you know Olivia moved to cocktails over a year ago. She may have recipes.
DeleteCongratulations to Victoria and the Sailor on their soberversaries. I raise my cup of tea to them this morning -- and every day.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, how you write about Clare's addictions (booze + pills) has been eye opening for me. (I cannot wait for the next book in the series...)
Thank you, Amanda.
DeleteFrom Diana: Ciongratulations to your amazing children and to you. Raising an apple juice to sobriety. These days we are so much more aware about healthy choices. Happy Soberversaries!
ReplyDeleteWe are, aren't we? That's a good development.
DeleteBravo, Victoria and Sailor! I think they're both brilliant to put their health and well-being first and Youngest, too, for knowing this already. Well, done!
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of them, Jenn!
DeleteWhat an eloquent post Julia. Congrats to all three of your children. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anon.
DeleteYears ago, as a fairly new college graduate, I was attending a conference, joining a group of supervisor types, I was told, by one of them, that one drink wouldn't hurt me. I tried to laugh it off, but still held my "thank you but no thank you" stance. When a job opening came available in that city, I didn't apply. I didn't want to deal with that kind of attitude.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to your children for recognizing the illness and changing their lives. And congratulations to Youngest for seeing a possible family problem and making a good choice.
Deanna, I think the message not to pressure has gotten through. None of my kids report any issues about saying, "No, thanks" to the offer of a drink. My experience when I was young was quite different, as was yours.
DeleteBig congratulations and much love to both Victoria and Spencer!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anon!
DeleteWhat an uplifting post. Congratulations to Victoria and Spencer.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kait. Always looking for the good news to balance the bad all around us.
DeleteDrinking a toast to: SOBRIETY! (Raising my glass of cranberry juice and sparkling water) It's so not easy. I gave up alcohol last year for health reasons, and at first even though I wasn't a big drinker, can count on one hand the number of times I've actually been "drunk," it was hard. I still crave a nice glass of white wine late in the afternoon. Congratulations to Victoria and Spencer!
ReplyDeleteThank, Hallie! They've inspired me to cut way back as well.
DeleteCongratulations to all of your children!
ReplyDeleteI don’t drink. Alcoholism ruined lives on my dad’s side of the family. He was a teetotaler because of what he witnessed in his family. When each of us (I have four siblings) reached an age when we could understand about alcohol and alcoholism he explained about how his family had been affected by drinking, and encouraged us to drink responsibly if we chose to drink, and told us that abstaining from alcohol would be even better. (My grandfather was violent when he was drunk, and he was often drunk.) Two of my uncles, Dad’s older brothers, died because of their drinking. I believe alcohol contributed to the death of another uncle.
I’m lifting my mug of Peet’s Major Dickason coffee blend to Victoria and the Sailor!
DebRo
Thanks, DebRo! Apparently, science has yet to conclude alcoholism runs in families - but you can't tell that to me. If not alcoholism, then bad decisions to self-medicate for mental health reasons must run in families...
DeleteCongratulations to both your children for making such good decisions. My brother did the same and it made all the difference for the last twenty years of his life.
ReplyDeleteSobriety is a whole new life, Elizabeth.
DeleteCongratulations to all! ❤️
ReplyDeleteThanks, Suzette!
DeleteCongrats to them both!!
ReplyDeleteI'm like your youngest. I never started because I was afraid of turning into an alcoholic. I have so much respect for those who have recovered from it.
Good on you for recognizing the potential problem and side-stepping it, Mark.
DeleteThank you for this, Julia. And standing ovation to your EXTREMELY BRILLIANT children!
ReplyDeleteI only wish I could take more credit for them, Hank! :-)
DeleteI, of course, love your three. So happy they are celebrating these milestones this month.
ReplyDeleteIt's calling me anonymous, but it's Shari.
DeleteHugs, Shari! You know what I've been through with this...
DeleteWhat an accomplishment. And thank you for sharing your journey. Addiction is a family disease, and everyone's, journey is different. By telling your story, you show that addicts can be smart, wonderful people loved by their families. People that make a choice, do the work and are living wonderful l lives..
ReplyDeleteVictoria really led the way, Mary. She announced she was an alcoholic in the Portland Press Herald - the largest newspaper in our state!
DeleteGood on you, Victoria, Sailor, and Youngest. Your chosen path isn't easy but it's certainly rewarding in so many ways! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThey're both doing a great job, Pat.
DeleteThank you, Julia. May your children continue in sobriety and in living well. Blessings. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elisabeth.
DeleteCongratulations to your children! I'm so glad they got help when they did. I have spent several years watching my husband go into a downward spiral from his alcoholism, and dealing with all the things that come with it. It's been very hard on our teenage children as well.
ReplyDeleteIt's a disease that affects everyone around the alcoholic, that's for sure.
DeleteYou should also give yourself credit for giving them the support they have had to help them. Having someone else believe in you is always important, especially when it’s your mother.
ReplyDeleteMy mother always encouraged me to do things I didn’t think I had the ability to do.
Her birthday was also in June and I send a donation in her name to a charity every year in her honor.
Fortunately, alcohol has never been an issue for me since I never really cared for it, but I know how easy it is to develop an attraction to something and overdo it.
Good luck with the pt, I am also having it for a broken arm. I have used it in the past for other conditions.
I found the key to having it work is discipline to do it faithfully and don’t get discouraged if it takes longer than you anticipated.
Good points, Anon - and now I'm reminded I haven't done my at-home exercises yet today!
DeleteCongratulations to all…I read Victoria’s column each week.
ReplyDeleteI love to hear that, Anon!
DeleteCongratulations and happy soberversaries to Victoria and the Sailor!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jo!
DeleteHappy Soberversaries to Victoria and the Sailor! My friend went through her son being an alcoholic, and I must mention here how very important Al-Anon meetings are for those who have been impacted or are worried about a loved one's alcoholism.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, Anon.
DeleteOf course, if you need to have an AA anniversary, what better weekend could be than this? Dr. Bob Smith celebrated his sober birthday on June 10; so, since then, AA founding has been set to this date. For many years now, a weekend party is held on the whole campus of the University of Akron, OH, on the weekend nearest to that day in June. I was blessed not quite 20 years ago, to spend that weekend in Akron, for 2 years in a row. There were sober alcoholics all over the place. They were men and women, young and old, black and white, English speaking and Spanish speaking, etc. At the “Big Meeting” on Saturday night, which was ticketed, there were about 14,000. Many alcoholics, on getting sober, take up motorcycle riding with the money they save from not drinking. There were at least 500 bikers who led a pilgrimage parade to the cemetery where Dr. Bob is buried on Sunday morning. What I most remember is, on Friday, standing in a line in a quiet suburban neighborhood to enter a house like any other on the block. It had been Dr. Bob’ s house which has been turned into a museum. I was met by a tour guide with a handshake and a hug, with a big “Welcome Home, Brother.” Before going out to the fenced in backyard for hot dogs and soft drinks, our pictures were taken pouring virtual coffee from a very real coffee percolator. Sadly, at least two of us, in those photos, are dead today from the disease. However, at least 5 of us are alive and still sober 20 years later.
ReplyDeleteI love this, David!
Delete