JENN MCKINLAY: At the end of last year, I found that I was in a bit of a funk. If you know me, this is not normal. My family, bless them, noticed and mentioned that I was not as obnoxiously cheerful or enthusiastic as I usually am. They did not seem so much alarmed as relieved but I'll let that slide for now.
I did some thinking about it and realized that I was spiraling into a negative head space and I wasn't enjoying the ride. Usually, I try to be like a duck and let things roll off my back but for some reason I was more like a porcupine and everything was sticking to my quills.
Frankly, being a woman of a certain age, I thought I was just metamorphosing into the classic crabby old lady like my idol Maxine.
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But I think it's more that life has felt heavy on the negative and light on the positive for a reaaaaaaally long time and negativity is highly contagious. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a great mood and then listened to the news, opened social media, or found myself in conversation with a person who was angry, depressed, etc and walked away unable to find my former great mood. Major bummer.
In an effort to reframe these experiences and not get sucked into the negative, I started trying different techniques to stop the negative vibe before it started or divert it in a different direction. Obviously, it's impossible to be happy all the time but that doesn't mean it can't be contained. So here are some of the things I did to break the bummer pattern.
Cognitive Restructuring: Identify and challenge the negative thought. Replace it with a more balanced or positive thought.
Thought Stopping: Consciously say "stop" when a negative thought arises, then shift your focus to something positive.
Mindfulness Meditation: Practice staying present and observing your thoughts without judgment.
Deep Breathing: Use deep, slow breaths to calm your mind and body, reducing the impact of negative thoughts.
Gratitude Journaling: Write down things you're grateful for each day to shift your focus to positive aspects of your life.
Affirmations: Repeat positive affirmations to counter negative self-talk.
Exercise: Engage in physical activities like walking, running, or yoga to boost mood and reduce stress.
Art and Music: Use creative activities to express and transform negative emotions.
Writing: Journal about your thoughts and feelings to gain perspective and clarity.
Limit Negative Media: Reduce exposure to negative news and social media that can contribute to negative thinking.
Did they all work? No. But I found that a combination of the above for any given situation really did help me retain my normally optimistic outlook.
Your turn, Reds and Readers, what do you do to turn off the negative and protect your peace?
I'm not always good at keeping the negative at bay, but skipping the evening news often helps as does remembering to be grateful for all the good things that surround me. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down with a good book for a while . . . .
ReplyDeleteI no longer watch the evening news. I get my dose of craziness with the morning news and that's it most days.
DeleteFrom Diana: Agreed that reading a good book gives some respite from the crazy world at times, Joan. These days, the news are mostly sad, Annette.
DeleteThank goodness for books to get lost in.
DeleteI highly recommend several days with a delightful baby. I have to go home today, but not getting my morning news and having lots of play time and walks and getting her to smile has been a complete mood lifter
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm glad you found what works for you! I use several of those tricks myself.
DeleteFrom Diana: Wonderful recommendation, Edith! The only Morning News this morning that I watched was the Trooping of the Colours in London, England. Such a joy for me to watch the Royal Family. Catherine, the Princess of Wales, looks well. We all need happy news. I am sure that perhaps some people are not fans of Royalty, though I kind of am.
DeleteBabies! and puppies and kittens and baby goats -- all mood lifters :)
DeleteI am usually a positive, upbeat person, so others do notice if my mood is glum.
ReplyDeleteLike you, exercise and listening to my go-to music helps.
Cooking/baking and then eating my fave foods usually makes my tummy and mood feel better!
From Diana: Baking makes me feel better too, Grace.
DeleteI need to do more baking. It's hard to be glum when dessert awaits!
Deletereading a book that have me laughing out loud, listening to music of my youth that have me getting up and dancing like a fool, watching a good comedy or a Godzilla or shark movie, seeing what my friends are up to on Facebook and not watching the news
ReplyDeleteGodzilla as mood lifter! I love you, Dru.
DeleteThese are all great suggestions, and I've practiced most of them. Two additions (or rephrasing, perhaps): One, when a negative thought arises and sends me spiraling, I ask, "is this thought beneficial?" When the answer is no, which it usually is, focus on redirecting to something that is. Two, (and this is a new one for me) when I catch myself grumbling "I have to ____," change it to "I GET to ___." Example... "I have to mow the yard." Change it to "I get to mow the yard." Because I'm fortunate enough to own a beautiful piece of property with lush grass and trees.
ReplyDeleteAnnette, I love your ‘’I have to vs I get to’’ idea.
DeleteDanielle
From Diana: Great ideas, Annette!
DeleteExactly! Perfect example of reframing!
DeleteThanks for sharing. I think many of us have been in this place. I walk, do yoga, practice deep breathing and positive thinking. And like Edith, I spend time with the grandkids. Try to see the world through their eyes.
ReplyDeleteI love the world through children's eyes. They always see the magic.
DeleteYesterday after beating my head against the wall, I took two hours I "should have been" writing and read Winspear's latest (and last) Maisie Dobbs book. It was tender and moving and brought in characters from all her books, which started when Maisie was twelve or thirteen. And made me so happy! And then I watched the evening news...
ReplyDeleteI highly approve your choice, Margaret.
DeleteCount me as another who is usually optimistic and cheerful. So the summer before my 40th birthday I was stumped why I couldn't shake a deep melancholy. When it dawned on me that I was then the same age as my dad had been when he died, I told myself that was a reason for hope, not angst, and it made me feel better. Wish it was that easy to chase the blues away around events out of our control.
ReplyDeleteBeing in nature is a big lift for me, whether that means puttering in the garden, taking a walk or hike, or just watching the birdfeeders from inside the house. My mom has been in and out of the hospital and rehab lately, and her mood was appreciably better when she could at least see out the window to glimpse a bit of sky, or a green treeline. Health facilities with access to nature in some way seem to have more success at healing, and to bolster mental health.
Karen, I really relate to that last comment. We once came into our father's hospital room to find him tied in his bed. "Well, he kept trying to get up," was the day nurse's rationale. What did he want? To sit in the chair near the window, where he could watch the squirrels playing in the trees--just a little glimpse of nature. Such a little thing, but it made him happy.
DeleteThere is a small garden just outside the door to the cancer therapy day unit. I sit there now that it is warm, and wait for whatever is happening on the inside (cell phones can call you back as needed). I look at it and wonder if any patients are ever brought outside to have their drip there - wouldn't that change your outlook that day?
DeleteOh, Flora, that is so sad. Your poor pop.
DeleteMargo, we have a hospital in Cincinnati with a large, patient-accessible green roof. It's wildly popular, and not just with patients, but worried family members, and harried medical staff, too.
I think nature is key. I always feel better when I'm outside.
Delete“ Cognitive Restructuring: Identify and challenge the negative thought.” Maybe I’m a pessimist but I have trouble with this. I know ideas and moods definitely affect each other but it’s hard to slow down and analyze my assumptions.
ReplyDeleteI do agree about not watching the news! I gave up during Hurricane Katrina when that little boy was evacuated from NOLA and was forcibly separated from his dog. I don’t need to see that kind of depressing crap. That poor boy!
Some days Facebook is full of people’s aging/dying pets, parents, and spouses. That’s when I turn off FB and play with my dog and cat.
The best solution I’ve found is reading something I love. I can get lost visiting imaginary places and people I love and that’s better than the news any day!
Ugh, I'm glad i didn't see that. It would have broken my heart. I like to believe they were reunited - that's my cognitive restructuring.
DeleteJenn, it saddens me to hear that you have struggled this year. I do want you to know that your books have brought lots of happy moments into the lives of your readers and, although that doesn't necessarily keep your own thoughts from straying into negative territory, it has helped hundreds, perhaps thousands of others.
ReplyDeleteI was not a pleasant child. I didn't have a sunny disposition. I was a constant complainer. I was a kid who never enjoyed anything without worrying. There was no "carefree" for me.
It could have been my family situation. My mother had a debilitating illness and although she pushed herself to bring us places and do things with us, she spent lots of time in excruciating pain. On top of that, I was the target of constant criticism from adult family members and bullying from my brother and at school.
One day I realized that I had control over my own life and my decisions. I was 30. I had an excellent therapist. I still have moments of intense backsliding, but mostly, I am presentable and worthy of friendship.
I like all of the suggestions that have been offered for altering the direction of thoughts and adjusting our attitudes towards the positive. I think I'll use some myself.
Big hugs, Judy.
DeleteJudy, you are absolutely more than worthy of friendship. You are ours and we are yours. Always.
DeleteXXOO
DeleteJudy, just from your posts and our few interactions here and on the Reds & Readers page, I think you are way more than "worthy" of friendship. I am sorry you had a rough childhood, but it sounds like you've made a great "adulthood" for yourself. Have a good day, friend!
Delete-- Pat S (aka Sellers on R&R)
Judy, you have brought so much to this group, and we are so blessed to count you as a friend!!
DeleteJudy, big hugs! We all are blessed to count you as a friend.
DeleteWow Judy. When I read your posts, I wish (truly) that I could be as articulate a writer as you are. Sometimes weathering the storm of a difficult childhood gives us inner strengths later in life.
DeleteJenn, getting out in nature works wonders for me--and combining that with a walking meditation when I'm really on that hamster wheel of negative thoughts. I realize that Arizona temps right now might not lend themselves to long walks outside, but the other thing that always worked wonders for me was getting in the pool when I didn't have access to a beach. Just lying on a float or better, hanging on the float with most of myself just drifting in the water. The water seemed to take away the weight of my worries as it held the weight of my body. Wishing you the best and echoing Judy's comment above--your books have provided countless readers with a positive experience!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Flora. I will be floating in my pool today as Ellie our lab mix jumps in to swim after her ball (which she throws herself) and I will laugh at her antics and take a moment to note that all is well in my world.
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ReplyDeleteenn thanks for the topic! I am glad you are finding ways to get through it. Midlife can be really hard and watching the news (especially the climate crisis) is objectively depressing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in a bad funk years ago, I knew I needed to make some changes to get out of it.Meditation was a big one--it taught me that I am not what I think. Thoughts and feelings come and go and we can let them go. Volunteer work was another--it really showed me that my life wasn't so horrible. Church, for me, was a big part of healing. I walked through the red doors of St. Michael's on Easter in 2003 and knew I had found a spiritual home. There is love and healing available that is bigger than our human minds can grasp. Exercise--I've been an exerciser since college, but I went through a couple of years where I often cried while i was jogging.. so messy. Now exercise is a delight. Connection with others--family, friends, church community, co-workers. It's so important.
I'd like to mention a book that really helped as well. It's called Forgive For Good by Dr. Frederic Luskin. In it he describes our repetitive negative thoughts as an airplane circling the airport but unable to land and outlines some pretty simple techniques for getting out of those negative spirals of thinking, One of them is "Breath of Thanks" which you can do anywhere. You take a couple of deep belly breaths, and on the next few breaths say "thank you" to yourself as you focus on the breath. A couple of more breaths and you are done. 5 minutes.
Gillian, thank you for the that. I love the breath and thanks advie and also the volunteering. I've been wanting to pick up a hammer and work with habitat for humanity - I think it's time to do it.
DeleteJenn, that's a wonderful thought! I can imagine you cracking everyone on the jobsite up with your wry sense of humor! -- Pat S
DeleteAffirmations, exercice and limiting negative medias help me but reading something light when feeling not so good is a big plus.
ReplyDeleteYesterday, I finished Love at First Book and I felt so well. I decided not to watch the news and not to begin a new book just to keep the feeling all the rest of the day.
Danielle
Oh, Danielle, thank you. That's lovely.
DeleteOther than enjoying the garden, looking at flowers and being really boring and just doing a puzzle, oh and quite possibly reading recipes, collecting them and never making them…
ReplyDeleteHowever, more and more as things get more and more catastrophic-ic (I made that word up), I realize how much I like book club. What with my sister’s cancer therapy and her not playing the game as it should be – yes, she thinks she is God, and none of the rules apply to her – and that our life goes from minute to minute – last week when we thought we were safe and she was in hospital for another week, she called at 3:30 and said she needed to be picked up at 6 at a place 2 hours away. Then she looked like death warmed over and could not do anything the next day – perhaps she should not have been nagging for a release? It is wearing on all of us!
Meanwhile back to Book Club – there are 10 of us. Four of us are old (over 60), and foolish – yup, and not ever likely to get into the Kingdom of heaven – 2 Catholics, and 2 atheists, where each respects the other and their beliefs, but each often watches the sky waiting for the thunderbolt to fall. We four can make a day and a laugh, from anything. It is always a pleasure to attend and I know my endorphins rise significantly by the end of the afternoon.
I also know, that should things become bad for any of us, that they can be counted on to be there, be square, and more than likely ask Darlene to load us all in her car (it is take-an-old-person-out-afternoon) drive 30 minutes to the nearest Tastee Treat, and we will all have an ice cream, and feel so much better. (We try not to drool on the upholstery). Ahhhhhh…
Cucumbers might go in today – it was sunny for 1 day yesterday, but I do hope it rains softly today, and waters in some of the transplants. The weather of surplus rain in Florida and heat in Arizona, would be a challenge.
Family health challenges are a trial to everyone. Hope you can hang in there with your sister, Margo.
DeleteMy book club provides an oasis of sanity, too. Readers are the best!
Ah Margo and others who have commented similarly--the pleasure of a tasty treat should not be overlooked as a mood-lifter! Last night I had vanilla ice cream with the first of the black raspberries! So good!
DeleteDon't you think that Book Clubs are just the entrance to books - be they literature or drivel, friends - new or old and old or young, different points of view and the ticket to present and debate them, and of course tea and egg salad sandwiches (made with Miracle Whip and cut to feed a lumberjack) just when you need it!
DeleteBook clubs are awesome. I used to be in one, maybe it's time to re-up.
DeletePaula Here ~ I don’t know any woman who hasn’t been there and there lies lays sits (ugh - tough language) the camaraderie. Nixed the news a long time ago. I have a couple news nuts who keep me informed of major whatever’s I need to know about. My bridges include traveling outside my day and mood via a book. I watch disaster movies showing the shear tenacity of the human spirit to survive. When it’s not so hot, I walk outside. When it’s hot, I venture into dangerous territory - the air conditioned mall. Seeing colors and sparkly things help. I listen to all sorts of music that trips my happy button. And I eat ice cream. I call friends for a nice chat and laughter. All of this appears to be a way to move out/away from the thoughts that depress. To trip that switch that’s stuck. Usually they work. And sometimes it takes pretty much all of them to work it out.
ReplyDeleteI love all of that Paula, and I really love that several people have mentioned ice cream. :)
DeleteI regularly do four things to fight back against negativity, and three of them are on your list, Jenn.
ReplyDelete1. Gratitude. I don't journal, but I use it as a kind of mindfulness, being aware and in the now and appreciating whatever - flowers, beautiful music, a funny text from one of my kids.
2. Exercise. A little stifled since my knee went wonky, but I normally walk the dogs, which also gets me out and about in fresh air.
3. Turn off the news. I'm a news junkie, but I regularly take "news fasts." It's amazing how much it does to lower your blood pressure.
4. 10 mg of Lexapro daily. :-)
I was thinking about my response and wondering if I should mention 5mg of Valium. Thanks for item #4, Julia!
DeleteHopefully, your knee will unwonk soon, Julia. You're in the glory weather of Maine right now!
DeleteI'm glad you mentioned #4 too, Julia. There should be nothing shameful or embarrassing or secretive that people take medication to help. I've always said that a diabetic takes his/her medicine because it's necessary. And, sometimes our brain has imbalances where medication is necessary. Sometimes, it's situational, but for most of us it's a permanent condition. Of course, add Kevin's death to my regular imbalance, and I'm on extra medication. now. I'm working on the situational problems.
DeleteWonderful topic, Jenna, thank you. And we are on exactly the same wave length this week, I have to say!
ReplyDeleteAll your ideas are fabulous, but something that often works for me results from something a person told me a while ago:
“Worrying is worshipping the problem. “
That seems so profoundly revealing to me.
From Diana: Thank you, Hank! I agree with that quote.
DeleteOh, that's a good one, Hank! Brilliant, in fact.
DeleteAlso, I have learned to schedule my worry. Truly. If I have something that I am worried about doing, and it is due sometime in the future. I just make an appointment for the date to worry about it. For instance: “OK, good, noted, I will worry about that next Tuesday.”
ReplyDeleteThen, the next time I think of it, I simply think: no, I am worrying about that on Tuesday.
And I have to say it really works.
From Diana: Great ideas, Hank! Scheduling worry. I will have to try that.
DeleteThat's hilarious!
DeleteAnd, if all else fails, I quote Jerry Garcia: “Nothing matters, and so what if it does?”
ReplyDeleteFabulous!!!
DeleteFrom Diana: Such a great post, Jenn! Thank you. Like you, a combination of the things you listed above works for me whenever I spiral into negative thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wanted to add that reading books and watching funny movies also helps me. I do not know about other people, though these works for me.
Yes, thank you! It was definitely an oversight to leave reading off the list!
DeleteJENN: No worries. Your list was wonderful! Diana
DeleteAwesome list! Lots of great ideas there and in the comments above. Reading something fun (like one of your books!) helps, cooking, getting outside, near trees and water, being with close friends all help, but doing something for someone else is near the top of my list. I almost always find that if I submerge myself in doing or helping others lifts me up. Just keep doing whatever works for you!
ReplyDeleteI think being busy with positive things is a huge help.
DeleteEverything you mentioned, Jenn, is helpful. I’ve tried similar things at one home or another. One thing I do every single day: when I wake up I immediately give thanks to God for all my blessings, and especially for the things that are easy to take for granted, such as heating and air conditioning, clean running water, health insurance, and so on and so on.
ReplyDeleteMOST of my friends think of me as cheerful and always positive. When something upsetting happens, I tell myself to find the humor in it. If that seems impossible, I tell myself that I might not find the humor today, and to not let things get to me. It took a very long time for me to learn this, but I did it. Therapy and my faith helped a lot, too.
When I sense myself getting a little blue, I pull out the humor books and start rereading them. I have most of Dave Barry’s books of humorous essays. The pages are falling out of some of them, to give you an idea of how helpful they have been to me! I also reread humorous fiction. (Where would I be without reading?!)
DebRo
Yes! Finding the humor in life through books is such a mood lifter.
DeleteI love your list, Jenn! One thing that never fails to cheer me up is a bike ride. I bought a pedal-assist E-bike three years ago and LOVE it. No worries about the central Pennsylvania rolling hills or keeping pace with my husband’s quads. I literally feel the endorphins kick in.
ReplyDeleteOh, that sounds fun! I have a friend in Gilbert who has one and she swears by it!
DeleteThere are situations in which the negative thoughts win, at least for a while. It's been a year now since my son Kevin was murdered, and it's been a horribly negative time, and I'm a bit stuck (as they call complicated grief). I have medication and a therapist, and I may soon be going to a psychiatrist. I'm not embarrassed to admit these things because in this time of negative spiral, the first step is admitting that you need help. I was unable to listen to music or read fiction for a year, and that's not an uncommon effect of deep grief, as I've read about other mothers who have lost children and this happens. I am grateful for the baby steps I achieve. I'm glad to report that I've read two fiction books this month, and just in the last week, I've listened to music in the car. So, while your suggestions, Jenn, are spot-on even for me, and they really are, I am in a slower recovery program for negative thoughts. And, let me add that others here had some great suggestions, too.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Kathy. I can't even imagine the loss you've endured. Baby steps are a huge achievement.
DeleteJenn, losing a child is truly like losing part of yourself, but you've known deep grief, too, and I admire how you have come through (we're never over it) to the amazing life you're living.
DeleteThank you for this great post, Jenn. I have used most of these suggestions but tend to get out of the habit--I think I need to print your list and stick up where I will be reminded every day.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debs!
DeleteTake Care - Gratitude wins!
ReplyDeleteAlways!
DeleteSo many great suggestions... I tend to go negative in the middle of the night, I wake up because thinking about something I need to decide or finish or talk my way out of... unfinished business. A notepad by the bed where I can write down what I need to do usually helps. Otherwise I'm pretty much a glass-halfful person. Though for the last couple of years, reality has made that a challenge.
ReplyDeleteHallie, for me the notepad has to be further away than the night stand. I put just one sheet of paper on the table in the next room when I go to bed — for “midnight musings”. Having these thoughts at a physical distance seems to get me back to rest and to sleep quicker. Elisabeth
DeleteI need to do that. The boogieman is relentless in the middle of the night.
DeleteI come at this from a slightly different perspective. I am an empath and when I find my usual cheerful self being very crabby, I literally have to stop and analyze the feelings to see if it is genuinely my issue or if I am picking up someone else's angst. Usually I can shield myself, but there are those moments when it seems like everywhere I turn there is an emotionally needy person who can literally suck the joy right out of me. Folks laugh when I tell them I don't like people, but I'm serious. I am an introvert who can function as an extrovert for a short amount of time, but then I need space to refuel. I do that by reading and letting myself get lost in the issues facing the characters.
ReplyDeleteWhen I cannot rid myself of negativity, I love to wander through a park and absorb the peace and beauty of creation. I leave the issues there and come out freer. I also find that weeding can be very therapeutic. For me it turns into a meditation where each weed pulled is a negative thought or feeling. The flowers and veggies look better, and I have released a lot of unproductive thoughts. When all else fails, I give myself permission to have a pity party for up to three days and then move on with life. It is surprising how acknowledging the fact that I had something that qualified as pity-party caliber helps me let it go and move on. Since I started that I rarely have pity parties longer than half a day. -- Victoria
I think that I am an empath too.
DeleteThat's genius. Sometimes just giving yourself permission to be in a funk cures it.
DeleteAll this terrific advice, and I've already used some of these suggestions in the past and will use more in the future. All I'd like to add is that I find audiobooks especially useful for distraction from worries and escape from negative thoughts. Even more than reading--which I do a lot of--I find that a good audiobook can pull me away into another, happier world. I know this is the opposite of being in the moment, which is also a helpful way of fighting negativity, but sometimes we just need a break!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. And now I'm listening to graphic/dramatic audio books which are more like radio shows with sound effects and it's delightfully distracting.
DeleteYou have a compassionate group of readers here who care about the people here who are having a difficult time. Please let us know how you are doing and if any of the ideas mentioned here today have been particularly helpful.
ReplyDeleteWIll do and thanks so much!
DeleteThe best medicine is to stop watching and listening to the news. After the watching the news, I either want to throw something at the TV screen or I start yelling at the TV as if that will put the "bad guys" in their place.
ReplyDeleteI get furious when I check in on X (formally Twitter) and a certain Congresswoman (from GA who will remain anonymous) drives me crazy.
Anyway, if you believe everything on the news the world is two minutes short of exploding into a fireball and whirling out of the solar system into the depths of hell. Then I look out my window and see a sunny day, feel mild ocean breezes, and hear birds chirping. Go figure!!
Very true. Perspective is outside the window not in the TV.
DeleteFrom me from ^ again. I have to say how much I enjoy your humor Jenn. So often it brings a smile or a laugh or a snort (which is a sudden uncontained laugh).
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for saying so. I really appreciate hearing that!
Delete