Rhys Bowen: Only two more days until the end of the year–a year I won’t be sorry to see disappear. So I’m thinking what I might have learned, or accepted this year.
Things that have been hard to accept:
1: That the world does not come to an end if I forget to do Wordle for one day and thus spoil my winning streak of 89.
2: That I do not have control over my universe, that plans will be altered or canceled and I just have to make the best of it.
And what do I have to work on next year?
1. That my writing is not how I define myself. That in the long run bestseller lists, numbers sold, fan bases are not what I should be obsessing about. I should be able to slow down, not check numbers so often and walk away if I want to.
2. That I should enjoy every moment for what it is, even if it’s cooking in my kitchen with my husband who is currently being annoying at the way I’ve sliced the onions. It might be a precious memory one day.
Now it’s your turn, Reds. What have you learned this year? Come to accept? Been able to walk away from?
LUCY BURDETTE: Ha ha, for me it would be that the world doesn’t come to an end if I don’t keep up with every twist and turn of the news. It only freezes me. I will know when I need to reconnect and reactivate.
I need to work on spending less time on Facebook and more on reading!
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: HA! I love you so much, Rhys–I was crushed at the end of my 44 day streak on Wordle. SO unhappy! But then I thought, great, the pressure is off. I do have a good streak on Connections, though.
Hard to accept: That the harder I work does not necessarily result in a better outcome. But sometimes it does, and you never know.
2. That it’s not my responsibility to try to make everyone totally happy all the time. But sometimes it is, and you never know.
Working on: Realizing that everything WILL get accomplished, at least the things that really need to be, so stop fretting about it. And yes, Rhys, the precious memories. SO wise.
HALLIE EPHRON:
LEARNED. That I’m mortal… and the best thing about staying in my house is having enough beds for visitors.
COME TO ACCEPT: That I still have no idea how to cook for more than 4 people. And that finding the (often) elusive main character arc is crucial to writing a good story.
BEEN ABLE TO WALK AWAY FROM: Deadlines. The ones I set for myself and that others set for me.
(RHYS: HALLIE, I've just been hosting 15 people for a week. I was found staring at stalks of Brussels Sprouts murmuring how many sprouts per person? I just can't visualize food for that many people. However it did work out brilliantly and nobody starved.)
DEBORAH CROMBIE: I’ve been reminded that I do not have control over so many things! Not in the wider world, and not in my own little universe. Life can smack you upside the head when you least expect it!
But along with that I’ve been reminded that you should enjoy all the little moments, and that people can be so kind! I’ve also been reminded of how much I LOVE writing, what an amazing, rapturous thing it can be (except for those days when it feels like trudging through a bog, of course, but that is okay, too…)
And I’m thrilled to learn that Hallie has never learned to cook for more than four people, because I thought I was the only one. So maybe that is one ambition I can walk away from.
JENN McKINLAY: LEARNED: That happiness is a choice–no matter the circumstance–and that joy is an act of resistance.
COME TO ACCEPT: That my mom was right and I quote “This, too, shall pass” no matter what “this” is. Everything has a season and all seasons end.
BEEN ABLE TO WALK AWAY FROM: Unreasonable expectations of myself. The world will not end if I write one less book per year.
RHYS: You're looking at a list from over-achievers! All stressed about meeting our deadlines, living up to expectations. We all need to learn to chill, obviously! Another thing that haunts me is letting fans down. How silly. I do my best and if it's not enough, it's not enough.
Having watched Love Actually again I've now decided that my mantra will be "ENOUGH." It need not be more!
And we should have added what we're grateful for. Here is my family Christmas pic.
So REDDIES: your turn:
Grateful for: family and friends and all the little, seemingly insignificant things that make my heart smile . . . .
ReplyDeleteLearned to stop expecting too much of myself . . . it's okay if I don't finish all the tasks or if I just take a day to do nothing at all . . . .
I can cook for more than four people, but I've come to accept that it's okay to have a day where I just don't want to cook at all . . . .
I need to learn this, Joan
DeleteI'm pretty much going to echo what's already been said. I've learned to accept that I have no control over most of life, and I need to just let go.
ReplyDeleteI need to work on being fully present in the moment instead of constantly thinking of what I need to do next.
As for cooking for more than four people, I have a hard time cooking for more than two!
Learned: speaking kindly or cheerfully to strangers can lead to interesting, fun conversations.
ReplyDeleteWork on: make more time to read
Come to Cape Breton. I find that my monthly grocery shop involves chatting with strangers over such exciting things like “those parsnips look good today” to “thanks for the cart” that they have paid the quarter for and won’t accept mine. Taking just a moment to chat raises my endorphins and makes everyone smile.
DeleteMy daughter once told me that I talked with more people in the elevator, than she had in her entire time in Ottawa.
We’ve always found people so friendly in Canada!
DeleteI love all of these.
ReplyDeleteLearned: that I can cut back on work a bit and the earth doesn't stop turning.
Hard to accept: that others are getting contracts for a particular kind of book I want to write but nobody seems to want to buy. Sigh. Move on.
Work on: drinking more water. Seriously, you'd think I would know this, but not drinking enough water is contributing to a health condition that's plaguing me. Gah! And, as with others, focusing on reading more.
Nobody seems to want to buy MINE, I mean...
DeleteI’m the same with water, Edith! I know I should drink more. My grandson gave me a 40 oz Stanley and I plan to carry it with me all day
DeleteI learned that I may already have more books waiting in my Kindle than I will ever read.
ReplyDeleteI learned a lesson that I learned once before, it is best to speak up when you see injustice, and to keep speaking up. You never know who they'll turn on next!
Amen, Judy
DeleteThe Reds words of wisdom from this year resonate with me today. Especially, I am touched by Jenn's statement about joy. Many years ago, I saw a quote about traveling the world over to find happiness, that you must bring it with you or " you will find it not." That quote changed my life. On some days I have to dig deeper than on others to find joy. Happy, healthy new year, everyone!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteDear Judy, Your quote above reminds me of a comment I made (many years ago),to a friend as my husband and I were about to embark on a new chapter of our lives; leaving Southern California for the beautiful Pacific NW. She was stressed out, questioning the wisdom of us making such a great change (at our age), leaving friends and family after living in San Diego for so many years. She: “But, you’ve been so happy here”!
DeleteMe:..”Not a problem, I’m taking ‘my happy’ with me! ( and as it turned out, those years in the beautiful Pacific NW became among the happiest of the 45 years My Bill and I were blessed to share!)
I firmly believe that you can (in most cases) take your "happy" with you.
DeleteIt is definitely a life skill to choose happiness even when it seems impossible!
DeleteLearned:
ReplyDeleteThat we can pivot on a dime, and that should something untoward come up, we can deal with it.
I like my silence, sloppiness, change-of-mind-ness (drives my sister crazy! Her - “you said you were having turnips with the ham..” Me – “I changed my mind, now it is cauliflower. Found it on the way to the turnips…” )
Silence is so much better than people, and rules and people. Oh, and talking! And noise…
I don’t care what I look like.
Kittens make me happy.
Yet to learn – Patience. Probably not a hope.
Debs, you are right. People CAN be so kind. You just have to learn to accept it, and be grateful and in some situations – ask. They can only tell you no.
I’m working on patience too
DeleteLove all your comments, Red friends. I hope our deepest dreams come true this year. xox
ReplyDeleteThis is so inspirational! Thank you, darling Reddies. Yes, it has been a complicated year… But it sounds like we are all getting a little wiser.
ReplyDeleteI've been overthinking this, so here's the stripped down version:
ReplyDelete- I have LEARNED that decisions can be wrenching and also right
- I have GIVEN UP believing that I am young; I am my age even though I may not always act like it
Onwards into 2025!
What a beautiful post and so much wisdom from a group of very wise women! Thanks to the JRW group for all the joy you've brought me. 2024 was a difficult year, but I don't have many hopes for 2025, at least on the national/world level. So I hope to continue finding joy in the little things, including my morning read of JRW.
ReplyDeleteWe are so glad we make a small difference, Gillian
DeleteThank you Rhys and Reds for your thoughts. It is so nice to hear from everyone and to learn so much from your wisdom.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for sharing your thoughts this morning! What I learned this year--Chicken Little was right--the sky is falling, but I will survive and hang onto hope that we can all muster the strength to endure, push forward, and minimize the damage as much as we can. To let go of the things I can't change in my life and the lives of those I love, but to stay present to my needs and to the needs of those I love. To cherish every small moment of joy I encounter--last night I shared a glimpse into a book in progress with my 9-year-old nephew. He spent a half hour at the computer, writing the first chapter of his own story. Before that, he showed me what he's learning on the piano and had a duet with our orange boy, Jimmy Crackhead. And when he couldn't sleep, he asked if he could read for awhile. Little moments I weave into a blanket of memory that I can wrap myself in like a hug.
ReplyDeleteI love these, Flora ! I too treasure moment with family
DeleteYou are all so wise, and I cherish you all.
ReplyDeleteSeems I keep having to relearn that I am not my grandmother whose hair was still black at 80, or my mother who didn't begin having health issues until 90. I did have other relatives who started aging a lot earlier, darn them. Trying to reset my expectations and figure out how to adjust to dumb things like arthritis and compressed disks. Also trying to understand how to navigate a new national reality that goes against my every grain, especially in light of loved ones whose beliefs are 180 degrees different. May we all find a path forward in 2025.
It’s not going to be easy, Karen. We must huddle together!
DeleteSolidarity is so important at the moment!
DeleteI agree, Karen! Even with my arthritis :-) I'm hoping to gain strength in numbers as we navigate the year(s) ahead, including navigating relationships with those loved ones.
DeleteI’ve learned that I can adjust to changes, but feel confident I will eventually settle into new routines because that brings me comfort.
ReplyDeleteI need to work on drinking more water and buckle down to find new health care providers in my new city.
Good luck. We are finding it harder to get health appointments where we live
DeleteMuhammad Ali had a great response to planning: "Everybody has a plan until I punch them in the face." Sorry, but it's the first thing that came to mind as I read this post! So now when your plans don't work, remember; at least you didn't get punched by the great Ali! Happy New Year to all, and thanks to all the Reds for the years of enjoyment your writing has given me.
ReplyDeleteI’m glad for the lighter comment!
DeleteMary, this made me snort! Thanks for the chuckle!
DeleteLearned: to accept the measure of my success in this second career and stop measuring my success against others. Hopes looking ahead: that I will find useful ways to stand with and help people being targeted for cruelty by the incoming administration.
ReplyDeleteOh yes. We must all stay vigilant
DeleteThank you for your words of wisdom, Rhys and fellow Reds! And I love the comments!
ReplyDeleteGreat questions though my brain is tired and I cannot think of answers. Wishing that I knew what to write in response to the questions....
I'm slowly learning to accept that traditions do not have the same values even within the same family, and that change for change sake will happen because I am only one voice and that clinging to a tradition or value of the past is not important if I am standing alone. I've also learned that my goals are, thankfully, adjustable.
ReplyDeleteI'm not good at cooking small. I watched and learned to cook from a mother who always had the second meal in mind while cooking the first. Cooking for one, for me, right now, means that that second meal can last for a week or I toss it our out because I'm tired of whatever made that meal.
Dear Rhys, As a Great Grandmother who seemed to make “learning the hard way a career choice”, @‘81, I’ve FINALLY learned the answer to ALL my demons…ENOUGH!! Wishing you and yours, “All Things Bright and Beautiful” through out the coming year! Lynne Branson
ReplyDeleteI have to work on believing as well as embracing my favorite quote by Robert Frost ~ "The best way out is always through". That personal achievement does not just fall out of the sky but rather through hard work, perseverance, courage and faith in oneself. To replace the word "hopelessness" with "hopefulness" more often in my dialogue. To let go of "the luggage" that can make the journey in life too heavy. And, finally, to give thanks to those who give back and provide unwavering support, whether in large or small circumstances, to others who are in need of warriors and champions in their lives. P.S. Being a part of this blog has been so rewarding...no matter what all of us have learned this past year or have had to accept it has been wonderful taking the journey with all of you. :-)
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, I have been homeless most of this year. I finally found a room to rent in a house earlier this month. After three weeks, the landlord has decided "this isn't going to work" but would not define the problem. So, today I packed up my car again and I am waiting for a refund of my unpaid rent.
DeleteWhat I have learned from this journey is to always remember "I'm already through this and on the other side." It is very freeing, and I am filled with joy wondering where this new path will take me. Was this an overnight "aha"? Nope, it has taken years, and this year just has reinforced and made it second nature to not panic, but embrace and say, "Thank you that I am already through this." Took me 70 years, but I got it. You can, too. -- Victoria
Victoria, may you be blessed with a home soon!
DeleteVictoria ~ I am fine but so appreciate your kind thoughts despite your own challenges right now. No one deserves to be in such circumstances and I pray you will have a permanent address as soon as possible.
DeleteVictoria, I so hope that you find a home very soon and that it leads you to wonderful new people in your life and peace about your future.
DeleteJenn, my mother also would say ‘this too shall pass’ and it always did. Remembering what I told her about her grandmother, my niece recently gave me a bracelet with those words inscribed on it.
ReplyDeleteLast year, I heard a rabbi give a sermon on angels who walk among us. They don’t have wings or halos and they look like everyone else.
This past year has brought some physical challenges and I found my angels. These were people I barely knew who provided me with all sorts of assistance. They never said let me know…they just did.
Sometimes even just a phone call to find out how I was doing raised my spirits.
My niece and nephew flew across the country to help out. There again, I never asked, they just did.
Even walking along the street I have had people come over to me offering help or a seat on the bus.
I have learned that angels do exist when you least expect them.
I don’t know who originally came up with the word reddies, but I like the word and consider myself one of the group. I don’t contribute very often but appreciate the words of wisdom and advice and just general life experiences of those who do. I look forward to reading them every day.
This post, and all the comments, could not have come at a better time. I guess one of the most important things I've learned is that I'm still learning -- every single day -- and I'm finding comfort and inspiration in that. At 70, I'm finding my voice, both verbally and in my writing, and that's become interesting (no, not always easy), too. This year, more than ever, I'm focusing on gratitude, joy, living in the moment, and appreciating the loving, kind, funny, respectful and insightful people in my life while distancing myself from those who are not.
ReplyDeleteWhat have I learned, here in my second year of grief over my son's murder. I've learned that you need to be your own advocate in matters and learn as much as you can about the situation you find yourself in. I learned that it's true what Anonymous above said about her rabbi's words that there are angels who walk among us and look like everyone else. I still feel lost without Kevin in this world and I am still asking God why. I don't think my heart will ever be whole again. But, I have learned to be in the moment when with my daughter and her family to genuinely enjoy the time, even with laughter included. It's interesting that I was reading something last night, and it reminded me that I am still here for a reason, and it doesn't have to be some big mysterious action you will do. Your showing kindness and compassion to others is enough of a reason. It's what my Kevin did, and I'm honored to carry on his work. What I was reading also pointed out something that I don't always recognize, that all our experiences and all the people we meet can produce a positivity, even the negative ones. I had a horrible experience with someone recently, and went to the cemetery to talk to Kevin about it. While I was there, a group of people (family) came over to me and told me how sorry they were for my loss. I, of course, said that I knew they must have had a loss, too, and was sorry for it. The person who seemed to speak for the group (about 5 or 6 people) said it was his father. But, they held my hands and were much more concerned with me. It was almost dusk, and I'm usually the only person there then, but they were there, appearing to be looking at cemetery plots. I am as sure as I am about anything that they were angels on earth. Now, the bad experience I'd had, well I finally decided that it taught me more patience and compassion with someone who is upset. At least I hope it did. Time will tell. Grateful. I am so grateful for all the friends, close friends and more casual acquaintances, too, who have acknowledged my deep grief and said such loving words of comfort. I'm grateful that I knew a person named Kevin Reel for almost 36 years, and that we were so close. No, it wasn't enough time, and I still cry almost every day, but his existence was certainly meant to be and so special, and God let me be his mother. I'm grateful for this community here, where I feel free to be myself and learn so much from others.
ReplyDeleteFrom Celia: I will walk with you Kathy.
DeleteCelia, it, of course, isn't an easy walk, but having others walking with you does help. Thank you for letting me know you are with me, and I in turn am with you.
DeleteSharing your tears, here, Kathy, and thank you for the reminder that angels do walk among us and a small kindness can make a huge difference in a person's life. Maybe one day I will be that angel to someone without even knowing.
ReplyDeleteFlora, it wouldn't surprise me at all for you to be an angel to someone in need.
DeleteI have been reading the comments off and on all day and thinking how comforted and inspired I am be this wonderful group. My we continue to support one another in the coming year!
ReplyDeleteThat's what I was going to say, only you said it better, Debs. And Kathy, I never got what the deal was about cemeteries until I lost my Jerry. Having somewhere to "go" is now a comfort.
ReplyDeleteHallie, I always explain to people that to me, Kevin's final resting place is a sacred place to me. It's where he was last whole and how I remember him. I always had an interest in old cemeteries, but I never thought that I would find comfort and peace in a cemetery where my child was. I can quiet my mind there like no other place.
DeleteThank you for your perspectives and words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteThis year I've learned to put gratitude first, even when I'm disappointed, frustrated, or even angry. I'm only able to feel these emotions because I lived through my emergency surgery two years ago. I was lucky even to find a surgeon, so I try to keep sales that are lower than I'd hoped they would be in perspective.
I've come to accept that changing sub-genres from cozy mysteries with attitude to a hard-boiled detective novel didn't guarantee that my audience would follow. Yes, Hard Exit is the best of my novels, and yes, a handful of my readers jumped to the new series, but the depression I felt upon its less-than-stellar launch wasn't warranted because none of us can control the outcomes, only the content.
I've been able to walk away from toxic relationships. Sure, my wife and I could use more friends, but wading through the unexamined and dysfunctional lives of others up close no longer fits into my life. Examining them from afar, however, can inform my fiction.
What I need to improve upon: My wife just teased me about how hard I am on myself. She said, "You can only watch the last two episodes with me if you don't mutter 'I'm such a loser' afterwards because you weren't working."
Happy New Year to all of you, and may 2025 be productive, happy, and healthy for all of us.
From Celia: Thank you for this Rhys it's pertinent for me right now
ReplyDeleteWhat have I learned to accept? I have come to the end of Victor's dementia. What a long time it has taken me to accept his condition. t first with my facilitator hat on I was sure that a daily list, a better organizing toy, a continuous spoken hint, " darling, please switch off the light when you leave the room." My impatience mounted until I was forced to acknowledge that he was sick and no one could fix it but gratitude and love for 55 plus years closed on December 17 with Olivia and I in attendance. Victor was finally at peace and I am sad but glad that this devastating condition was finally at an end. We held his green burial at a local environmental cemetery. Julia was ne of our readers. The Sun shone, it was biter cold and Victor was carried by his grandsons, his son in law and his beloved daughter.
Looking forward I see a changed life to learn about and I am so thankful for our JRW community.
Blessings for you, Celia. Elisabeth
DeleteSending love and light, Celia.
DeleteThankful for your presence here, too, Celia--for the wonderful recipes (and videos!) and the delightful stories that accompany each recipe. XXOO
DeleteCelia, sending love.
DeleteJoining others and sending love to you Celia.
DeleteCelia, my mind is quite fuzzy at times, but I don't think I knew that Victor had passed. You are such a joy to this community of Reds here. I wish you peace in this coming new year and the knowledge that life has more for you.
DeleteFrom Celia: thank you my friends, your support helps through the day. Olivia and I have chosen not to announce Victors death on social media. I'm old enough to still prefer some privacy. However JRW is different. And hopefully I will be at Crime Bake this year And can finally meet you in person.
Delete