LUCY BURDETTE: you’ve heard me say that one of my favorite writers is Barbara O’Neal. I’m reading her latest, Memories of the Lost, and trying to make it last longer so I don’t feel the sadness of it ending. I follow her sub stack and really loved a recent post, which she agreed to share with us. Welcome Barbara!
BARBARA O'NEAL: My sister, a lifelong nurse, visited me last week. We were talking about aging in general, and our mother in particular. I made an off-hand comment that I supposed everyone gets frail in their 90s.
My sister said, most emphatically, that that wasn’t true at all. She sees lots of very aged people in her work, and sees a lot of 90-somethings who are quite vigorous, who live their lives the same way they always have, doing things, traveling, having adventures.
I blinked. A huge sense of…potential bloomed in my body. Expansion.
In that instant, I realized that the idea of looming frailty has weighing on me in the weirdest ways. My mother is in her early 80s, but she’s suddenly facing frailty from a dozen directions. I guess my mind was casting me into that 80-year-old frail role, too. My cats are getting older and I think about what it would be like to get new kittens, and then my brain says, but you’re getting up there, and who will take care of the cats if something happens to you?
I worry about how long we’ll get to stay in this beautiful home by the beach, and if the medical care will chase us back to a city. I wonder how long I’ll be able to do the vigorous travel I love so much.
All of this has very much in the back of my mind, not anywhere in view, but until we had this conversation, I had not realized how much I’ve been imagining myself frail at 80. While it’s fine to be practical and make arrangements for alternative outcomes (and I think it’s smart to do that), I don’t want to live in that space of vague dread.
None of us know when something might befall us—an accident or a random disease or whatever—but in our 30s and 40s, we don’t keep looking up at the scythe hanging over our heads. We just go about our lives, make plans, looking forward to things we anticipate doing.
I want to return to that sense of spaciousness, claim it, as my sister-in-law used to say. I claim a vigorous old age. I am visualizing lots more time to raise kittens, travel, explore long walks on my beach and around the world.
My sister said that people who stay active stay strong. Which we already know, but it was a great reminder. I can focus on more exercise, less extra weight, more activity, tons of great nutrition. I’m going to start looking for examples of vigorous older people and focus on them. There are many in my community. My neighbor is almost 78 and she’s planning a hike on the Coast to Coast walk in England.
I’m just going to live without looking up at that scythe and imagine a great future. What if I’m still writing a book every (other) year, traveling with my husband, enjoying my many grandchildren on active vacations in my 90s? What if, like Esther Hicks says, I thrive, thrive, thrive, croak?
Does aging weigh on you? If you allowed yourself a sense of wonder, what might you see?
Barbara O’Neal is the author of many titles of women’s fiction, including When We Believed in Mermaids and the forthcoming The Last Letter of Rachel Ellsworth. She writes regularly on Substack and lurks heavily on TikTok.
This is so insightful, Barbara . . . I can't say that aging particularly weighs on me; I think keeping up with my grandchildren helps allay that worry!
ReplyDeleteNot worrying is the best place to be!
DeleteI think you are wise to consider positive aging. We were 81 when we moved to Portugal, and life is good. We've had health issues, as you know (my husband's heart surgery), but we're still going strong, traveling around, enjoying life. I'm sure you will, too, because your personality is young. :-)
ReplyDeleteThat's bold, to move at 81. My husband and I moved to the Oregon coast two years ago (in our 60s) and we both feel that it enlivened us. Thanks for the compliment!
DeleteBTW, I lovee the title of Barbara O'Neal's new book. It's so . . . inviting, intriguing. One that leaps off a bookshelf. I'll look for it.
ReplyDeleteThat was me, Elizabeth
DeleteRoberta, Barabara's essay hit a deep spot today. When we said a sad farewell to our German Shepherd last year, Irwin decreed no more dogs. I think I could have handled and trained another puppy, but he was concerned about who would take him if we couldn't be there anymore. We both know that we must stay active, but it is getting harder to do. That is something that makes me nostalgic because we did so much. I'm going to try not to dwell on it. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteJudy, the animal angle causes me more second thoughts than anything else. I have friends who write their animals into their wills, including money to care for them, and instructions on who will be their godparents. My husband says we'll go with rescuing old cats when the time comes, and I find joy in imagining that, but I'm not done with kittens yet.
DeletePositive aging sounds good to me. One reason I retired early at 50 was because my mom & her side of the family all died in their 60s (or younger). They barely got to enjoy reaching their senior years. Fortunately, I am able to do & go where I want with few health issues. Staying physically & mentally active is the key.
ReplyDeleteWise choice, Grace.
DeleteOne of the reasons we moved from Minnesota to Florida and chose a 55+ Active Adult Community is to be more active as we age. One of the women I regularly play pickleball with is turning 75 on Monday and another one is 70. I would never have guessed it. One of the certified water exercise instructors is well into her 80’s. No frailty there.
ReplyDeleteI have Ankylosing Spondilitis and some days I feel much older than I am. I tell myself to move it or lose it.
That's the cornerstone, isn't it? Move. Move. Move.
DeleteThanks for sharing that essay, Lucy. I love Barbara's positive attitude and her claiming of a hopeful, active life, and it's good to hear her sister's experience of vigorous old people. As Joan said, keeping up with grandchildren is a great way to stay active and keep the sense of wonder alive.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm not feeling frail, exactly, I am less nimble and flexible. For all kinds of reasons, I'm not traveling to bucket lists sites as I expected I might. But hey, I can still walk briskly for at least an hour, and I'm hanging onto that!
An hour of brisk walking is a pretty powerful way to take care of your body.
DeleteLucy, thank you for putting Barbara O’Neal’s thoughts right here, right now. To be in-elegant they are the kick in the butt I need…as I have been feeling fragile, frail, and way older than my 92 year old neighbor as birthday 79 looms. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteAge is just a number and the body doesn’t much care about it. What we can do with our body as we get older relates at least partly to what we have put it through over our lifetime — and what it decides to challenge us with, including illness and accidents. While the mind is important, the body has its own thoughts, so having a sense of wonder is vital, but, man, some days it’s hard.
ReplyDeleteAgree!
DeleteBeautifully worded, Amanda. Thank you. Elisabeth
DeleteThis is very timely for me and I really needed to hear this message, Barbara, although they are words I've heard before. Maybe I just need a constant reminder. At almost 80, I live alone with my 2 cats that aren't as much help as you might expect. I do miss having a dog but the idea of a puppy and all that entails overwhelms me. I might consider an older dog but then I think of the cats and they would not be happy. They are almost 12 now and it took them almost 10 years to warm up to me. They still run if they hear a car come up the driveway.
ReplyDeleteI really loved The Last Letter of Rachel Ellsworth! I've enjoyed all of your books even if I can't remember what book had what title.
I just read Barbara's Lady Luck's Map of Vegas a couple weeks ago, and have been following her career since I "met" her on The Lipstick Chronicles when she wrote How to Bake a Perfect Life. Her books are always reliably good reads.
ReplyDeleteMy mom and I were talking about this last night. Until she was 90 she "wiped up" her kitchen and bathroom floors EVERY DAY on her hands and knees. When Covid hit and almost did her in she could no longer do that, but because she lives with my much younger brother she is part of his always busy family. He and my sister-in-law now have eight grandkids from age ten down, and they all live within a 20-minute drive. They retired early, at age 60, so they babysit each group of kids once a week, and often have the whole gang together. My sister's family, with her two baby great granddaughters, also live close by. Mother loves it, and I'm sure it reminds her of being the middle child of nine, with relatives always around. I'm convinced it's not just physical activity, but social engagement that also keeps our minds sharp and healthy.
Thank you for the post, Barbara! I have a dear friend who is 86 (soon 87) for whom I dog sit. While she does need to rest a bit more as the years go by, she still leads a very active life, and certainly travels way more than I do. I (at 68) always tell her that I want to be like her!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the post, Barbara. This is a perfect reminder to stay active. I was trying to remember if there was someone I met who was still active. I remember a family friend who was still very active into her 90s. I was surprised that she was still driving and she was 94 at that time. She lived in the hills and I am sure she walked and exercised often.
ReplyDeleteYes, I needed to hear this! Flora here, and I think I feel time getting away from me at 71 because my mom died at 69 and my dad at 76. Way too soon for both! I know I'm healthier, try to stay physically and mentally active--just need to adjust my attitude! Love the cover of this book, Barbara, it really captures the feeling of the title--will be searching it out!
ReplyDeleteThis hits me as much as several other commentors, Barbara. I've also seen the gamut of old age - people who are struggling with health and mobility in their 70s and those who are active and living independently in their 90s. Discussing it with a friend, I said the hard part about anticipating what will happen at this stage of life is that there are SO many possibilities. Plan for the worst, but yes, absolutely, work for the best and life your life as if you're going to be an amazing nonagenarian!
ReplyDeleteThere are some things we can control— and some things we can’t. Optimism is something we can control, positivity, being present. Thank you for this lovely and thought-provoking lesson! Xxxx
ReplyDeleteAnd I have seen people in their 40s who are already very fragile due to alcoholism, drug use, and/or harsh lives.
ReplyDeleteI love this. Special hugs to your mom.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely agree with your sister. I always said I'd rather wear out than rust out. Since I'm soon to be 73, the attitude has served me well. I saw the differences in my own family. Mom was old and very frail in her 60s. I'm sure partly as a result of her alcoholism, while dad was on the move until the very last days of his life when he was 91. He walked everywhere, did his shopping daily and carried it back, cooked - he was a hoot. When he moved to Northern Maine, he kept walking. I received a call from one of my friends that I better come get him. He was stuck in a snow drift and refusing any help. When I arrived, he said, "You best stay away. This getting out of this drift is like doing the hokey pokey. I pull one leg out and the other digs in." He'd taken a shortcut through a plowed parking lot and got stuck in the plow drift. It all turned out fine, but I still chuckle at his hokey pokey description. Needless to say, he's my role model.
What a wonderful story about your dad!
DeleteThanks for sharing this, Roberta. I have a good woman friend who is 80 and very fit, mentally and physically, and I know her secret is walking and/or taking public transportation everywhere. And doing lots of volunteering in her small town. I think her work helping others is very good for her, too--she is loved and needed. Just a theory, but...
ReplyDeleteWhoops, that was Kim on my phone in Romania ( three weeks of vacation)
DeleteI got back an hour ago from getting an injection in my problematic foot. After a few minutes of PAIN and pressure, it feels better already! More walking is in my future, thank goodness.
ReplyDeleteI loved “When We Believed in Mermaids” and will check out the new one. My husband has been decluttering. Friends ask me why I am buying stuff. Yet, I have a friend in her mid 80s who plays golf three times a week and hits the YMCA three more times. We play Mah Jong weekly and it just hit me how much better I felt after that session yesterday. Finding purpose, having fun and laughing sure make the heart grow stronger. Thanks for the reminder, Lucy!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for posting this, Roberta, so inspiring! Having been plagued by unexpected health issues the last year or so, and by needing a knee replacement that I haven't been able to schedule for one reason or another, I'm determined to be positive about these hiccups. The pet issue is something I'm facing, too. We lost our older dog last August, and the younger one just turned 11 but is in good health. I'm not sure I'm up for a puppy, but definitely want another dog. And I don't think you're ever too old for kittens--just don't tell our three cats I said that...
ReplyDeleteBarbara, I've had Memories of the Lost on my Kindle since last summer! Moving to the top of my to-read list!
The Oregon Humane Society has a Friends Forever program that guarantees care and placement of your pets if you die or are unable, due to health concerns, to care for your pets. I signed up for the program as soon as it was offered. I am 82 and love my kitty. I want her protected absolutely. This type of program may be available elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fabulous post! I am very active and plan to stay that way but every now and then I have a bit of doubt, having started losing friends and family that were entirely too young to go. I tell myself I'm doing all the things for them, too, and that keeps me moving forward.
ReplyDelete